Satan? Please.
Meredith tried to focus but it seemed like Addison was everywhere all the time. Not only was she everywhere, but everyone was also talking about her. People referred to her as the She-Shepherd or Satan. Meredith found the nickname overly harsh. Sure, the woman was scary. But Satan?
As Meredith watched her give the divorce papers to Derek — who was acting like a dick by the way — she sure didn't look like Satan. In fact, she didn't even look like the doctor Meredith had worked with in the last few days. She looked... broken. It made Meredith strangely sad. She wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because she knew what it felt like to get your heart broken by Derek Shepherd. Meredith had the strange urge to comfort her. Jesus, what was wrong with her?
Meredith tries to stop thinking about the sad look on Addison's face and goes to meet Dr. Bailey who's dealing with a patient she's known since her intern years. The blond doesn't think she's ever seen Dr. Bailey show so much care. For her sake, she hopes the patient will be okay.
As they're discussing the proper procedure (an exploratory laparotomy), Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd comes in with a soft-spoken “doctors”.
Meredith nods politely and wonders what she's doing here as this isn't her specialty. Wondering why she is here is better than thinking why Meredith feels relieved at the fact the sad look from earlier is no longer on the surgeon’s face.
"I did two years of genetic research in cystic fibrosis. I've pretty much seen it all, Dr. Grey." Addison says in that teasing voice of hers. Her words are full of confidence and Meredith knows she is not just being cocky; it's simply the truth and Addison knows it. That combined with the redhead's confident smirk makes her all the more... attractive. Wait, what?
Why does she have to be taller than Meredith? Why does she have to be so confident? And Jesus, is there anything this woman can't do?
**
Meredith's day takes a turn when she learns that her mother keeps wandering around the hospital, pretending she is an attending. She even managed to find herself blue scrubs from what she’s heard.
Since Georges couldn't find her, he begged Meredith to go look for her. And really, what could she do? Tell him no? Ellis was her mother, her responsibility. So off she went, running around the hospital and following the whispers about the great Ellis Grey giving consults.
When Meredith finds her, she is looking at scans rambling about incompetent residents who miss-diagnosed this patient on multiple occasions. Typical.
Nonetheless, Meredith is relieved to find her. However, that relief quickly vanishes as she steps into the room and sees that the surgeon her mother is ranting to is none other than Addison Montgomery-Shepherd. Great. Just her luck. Meredith wasn't sure she could deal with both Ellis and Addison at the same time.
Sadly, before she has the chance to run away, her mother turns around and notices her.
"Meredith, darling!" Her mother says in a warm tone Meredith had never seen directed at her until now. Was this the Addison effect? Of course, if anyone could win over Ellis Grey, it would be Derek's painfully kind and smart wife.
"Dr. Grey." Addison says, an amused smile on her face as she notices Meredith’s shocked face. "Your mother and I were just talking about a patient; she had some insightful treatment ideas." Addison adds politely when she notices Meredith has not recovered her ability to talk yet.
"Dr. Shepherd is an impressive surgeon, Meredith, I'm glad she's your teacher. God knows you have a lot to learn." Her mother says coldly as she turns back to the scans.
Back to cold then. Meredith prefers cold. She is familiar with it. She is used to it. She can deal with cold.
"Mom-" Meredith starts, about to tell her she needs to go back to her room when Addison interrupts her.
"Dr. Grey is one of the best interns I've seen in a while." Addison says, her tone colder than it was minutes ago. Meredith cannot believe Addison is defending her. Again. Meredith looks at her in surprise and finds that Addison's eyes are already on her. Her gaze is much warmer than her tone and it feels like she's trying to tell Meredith not to listen to her mother but to listen to her words instead.
Great, now I'm reading into her eyes. Fucking great. Meredith thinks.
Ellis simply shrugs at Addison’s words and the latter seems to get more aggravated by the woman. Meredith is not surprised; Ellis Grey tends to have that effect on people.
"Dr. Grey, how about I take you to the patient now?" Addison asks, directing the question at her mother.
Her mother nods and rapidly walks out of the room, apparently knowing where she is going.
Addison follows her but stops next to Meredith just as she is about to leave the room.
"I got it." Addison says in a whisper.
There she goes, saving Meredith again.
Their shoulders brush as Dr. Shepherd leaves the room, Meredith gets a whiff of her perfume, and she feels... better? Huh.
**
Later, Meredith finds out Addison is funny. She is witty and sarcastic, and Meredith loves it. If she hadn't been so preoccupied with the situation she was in, she probably would have noticed before. Addison's humor was pretty similar to hers and people often didn't understand. Cristina did, of course. But Meredith was glad to have met someone with a sense of humor rivaling hers.
"Well, nothing like a domestic dispute to liven up a pre-op, huh?" Addison asks with an amused smile as she watches a couple argue.
Meredith tries not to smile but she fails because Addison's hair and lipstick are perfect, and you wouldn't expect her to break the powerful doctor persona. But she does. And every time she does, Meredith is caught off guard and can't help but be amused by the woman's attitude. She justknows Addison would laugh at her dark jokes.
Later, however, Meredith does not feel like making jokes. They're in the OR and Bailey has been doing CPR on a DNR patient and it's breaking Meredith's heart. It makes Bailey look strangely human and Meredith is not ready for that.
Bailey gets tired but she's relentless, she doesn't want to give up.
Meredith looks at the only attending in the OR for answers and notices Addison's eyes lack their usual sparkle. Instead, all she sees is a defeated look.
After another 10 minutes, Bailey stops her compressions and calls time of death before storming out of the OR.
Meredith wants to follow her; wants to help her somehow. But she's never been through such a situation before and she's not the best when it comes to emotions, so she just stays rooted to her stop until Dr. Shepherd guides her out of the OR.
"Is there anything I can do to help her?" Meredith asks, her voice unusually quiet.
Addison gives her a sad but impossibly soft smile. A smile she has not seen before. It makes Meredith want to cry.
"You can't. In the life of a surgeon, there is that one case that stays with you forever. And like any scar, it needs time to heal." Addison says wisely, her eyes forlorn and her voice matching Meredith's.
"What was yours?" Meredith asks before she can stop herself. When she sees the shadows fall over Addison's eyes, she knows she's made a mistake. But before she can apologize, the look in her eyes is gone and she is back to her normal self. Impressive, Meredith thinks.
"That is a story for another day, Meredith Grey." Addison says, her voice back to its usual teasing tone. With a nod, the redhead is walking away, and all Meredith can do is stare.
Later, her mother tells her that being a grown-up is awful, and she can't help but agree. Meredith wonders if life is supposed to be this hard.
**
What does Meredith do when life gets hard? She gets drunk on tequila. Usually, she only regrets it when morning comes but tonight, the regret comes earlier.
As they get called back to the hospital because of a train crash, Meredith is too drunk to help and all she can do is watch the chaos unfold.
That is when she notices the country's top neonatal surgeon is already in action, commanding the room like she owns it. Once again, Meredith can't help but stare. It seems she’s been doing that a lot lately.
"I've got a third-trimester burn victim here. I'll need some help." Addison yells as she frantically works on the patient. Everything in this ER is chaos but the redhead movements are controlled. Addison works quickly but efficiently, and Meredith can't help but admire her.
Their eyes meet briefly, Meredith sees the focused determination in them, and she knows the woman and the baby will be okay.
As Addison orders the doctors and nurses around with her no-nonsense voice, she raises a questioning eyebrow at Meredith, presumably wondering why the blond is stupidly standing in a corner when it is all hands-on deck.
Addison's eyebrows look perfect, much like the woman herself. She must get them professionally done, Meredith thinks. It makes her face look stricter and somehow accentuates the blue of her eyes. Meredith can't help but think it's a good choice. Is it a weird thing to focus on? Most definitely.
But Meredith is too drunk to care. Addison looks like Addison and Meredith is drunk. The blond's drunk brain can't deal with the woman that is Dr. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd.
Thankfully, before she can embarrass herself and say something like 'Wow, your eyebrows are impeccable, it's impressive', her attention is redirected to the two people connected by a metal pole. Her intern brain — even if intoxicated — is screaming the word 'surgery' over and over again and the perfect eyebrows of Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd are momentarily forgotten.
**
Unfortunately, Meredith doesn't stay distracted for long. It appears that all anyone can talk about is Addison Montgomery-Shepherd. Meredith can't blame them really; she is in the same conundrum after all. But yeah… it's annoying… whatever.
"What kind of self-respecting surgeon wears salmon-colored scrubs?" Izzie tells her as she is helping set up her banana bag. Meredith knows she is trying to be supportive, trying to make her feel better about the presence of Derek's perfect wife.
Meredith can't tell them she doesn't need that because people expect her to be completely destroyed by the situation, to wallow in self-pity for a while. It is what she usually does after all.
She appreciates that her friends are trying to be supportive but all she can think about is that Addison doesn't deserve any of the bad words that are being spoken about her. It makes Meredith uncomfortable, but she can't say anything, it would raise questions she is not ready to answer; questions she is not sure she has the answer to.
Not to mention that Meredith's unhelpful drunk brain can't help but focus on the fact that Addison looks wonderful in the said salmon-colored scrubs. It makes her skin look richer and her eyes pop. And it goes perfectly with her red hair and crimson lipstick. Meredith approves of the salmon-colored scrubs. Her train of thought is the tequila's fault, she decides.
Meredith can't blame Derek for staying with Addison, for wanting to make it work because she gets it. Who wouldn't want to date her?
The problem is, when her thoughts take her there again later, she can't blame the tequila because she isn't drunk anymore.
Alex calls Addison 'satan's whore' and it leaves a sore taste in her mouth. She feels the strange need to defend her. But she can't. Because Meredith is not supposed to feel anything but hatred towards Addison. So, she keeps her mouth shut.
It happens again later as she's working with the redhead. She hears an intern she's not familiar with call the surgeon satan and Addison is right there. Meredith knows she heard it. But the woman's smile doesn't flatter, and her voice stays warm as she speaks to the patient.
Meredith wonders if the woman is truly not bothered by it or if she is but is hiding it spectacularly well. Either way, she finds it impressive.
"What's on your mind, Dr. Grey?" Addison asks as they leave the room.
"Doesn't it make you mad?" Meredith questions before she can stop herself.
"What?" Dr. Shepherd asks, looking cutely confused. What?
"Satan."
"Ah. No." Addison says with a chuckle. "I heard worse."
"Well, it makes me mad." Meredith says with frustration. She's heard worse? What can be worse than being called satan? And who would dare refer to such an amazing woman that way?
"It makes you mad that people call me satan?" Addison asks tentatively.
"Yes."
Addison looks deeply into her eyes, seemingly trying to detect the hint of a lie. It makes Meredith feel unsettled like the woman can read her every thought. She doesn't like that.
"Well, aren't you full of surprises Dr. Grey." Addison says in an appreciative voice, making Meredith feel strangely proud.
"I don't like surprises." She answers in a deadpan manner, making the redhead chuckle. Again, Meredith feels proud. This time because she’s the woman to elicit such a pleasant sound. What is wrong with her? She briefly wonders if she's caught a strange disease while treating a patient. If not, maybe she has a brain tumor. Or maybe she's on the verge of a psychotic break? Given her family history, Meredith wouldn't be surprised if it were the case.
It has to be something.
**
They have to decide who lives and who dies, and Meredith hates it. To save one, they have to kill the other and it is cruel. The old man’s injuries are less extensive, so they decide they will focus their efforts on saving him. In theory, it makes sense, the doctor in Meredith knows that. But in practice, she's desperate for a way to save them both. The young woman is talking for god's sake, and she is alert. How can they just accept one of the two has to die? Why are they not looking for another solution? She hates it.
Meredith hates it even more once she is in the OR. They slide the girl off the pole so they can cut it and save the man, and Meredith is assigned to work on the rapidly dying young woman.
She is bleeding out too quickly and before they have time to repair any of the damage, her heart stops.
The nurses and the residents simply seem to accept it. They stop working on the woman and head to help with the other patient.
"Come on, Grey, there is too much damage." Bailey says and Meredith barely hears her.
How can they just give up like that? The woman has a fiancé, she's in love, she has a promising life ahead of her. How can they just give up? Meredith doesn't want to give up, she keeps doing CPR even as Bailey orders her to stop. She keeps doing CPR even when she can't feel her arms anymore. She keeps doing CPR even when tears are blurring her vision.
She keeps doing CPR until she feels someone physically stop her. She tries to keep going but the person tugs on her shoulder and catches her when she stumbles off the stool she was standing on.
"Come on, Meredith, let's get you out of here." She hears Addison say softly. When did the woman even get there? The redhead tugs on her arm, but Meredith doesn't move. "There is nothing you can do, Meredith." Addison adds more firmly, and she realizes it might be the first time the woman has ever used her name.
This time, when the woman tugs on her arm, she lets herself be led out of the OR, her heart breaking as she hears the insistent beeping of the machine, indicating the young woman is truly gone.
Addison helps her out of her surgical gear with a painfully understanding and compassionate look on her face. It makes Meredith's tears fall faster.
Dr. Shepherd gets her to sit on an empty bed before joining her silently. Meredith stares ahead in the empty space, unable to stop thinking about the young woman's fiancé who's probably in the waiting room right now, worried sick about the love of his life.
"I'd say it gets easier, but it doesn't. You learn how to deal with it, though." Addison whispers kindly.
Meredith doesn't know why she's still here, why she's even helping her in the first place but she's grateful. If not for her help, she thinks she might have fallen apart.
Addison squeezes Meredith's wrist in comfort. Her hand feels warm and comforting and Meredith breathes a little easier.
The women stay there in comfortable silence for the next 10 minutes. Meredith decides not to question it and to accept the comfort the redhead is selflessly offering.
What she questions though, is life. Life is unfair. Life is cruel.
Meredith decided to become a surgeon to help people and accepting you can't save everyone is one of the hardest things she's ever had to do. It's unfair. She hates it. She hates it.