Time Flies When Mastering Light
The next few weeks are spent learning all I can about what I can do. It turns out that there were light wielders, they all met an early death, that's why I couldn't find any records. Further research shows that none of them were called star makers. Nox says the reason for that is because they never had the power I do. He says that with training and time, I could create the same degree of power that fuels the sun, that I could create my own stars.
He says that the Empyrean believe Xaden and I to be a form of balance. That we will be stronger then any other before us, and perhaps any who come after. They attribute it to our connection, that who we are and we mean to each other, that our past, is determining our future. Command is already talking about stationing us at the same outpost after graduation. I'm hoping that will be the case, but for now its still on the table. General Melgren is pushing for us to be at separate outposts on the frontlines, he can go fuck off.
Magic works in ways even they don't understand. Balance is one of the few things we do know it needs. As it stands, it seems as though it chose us to carry that out. I can't help but believe that maybe that means we're supposed to be side by side. It clicks one day in training, why Nox doesn't like Xaden. It isn't because of Xaden himself, its because of what he is, my counterpart. Magic chose us to balance one another, if one of us was gone well Nox thinks there might be a price to pay, and he knows me. He knows that if Xaden ever died, I wouldn't care to live anymore.
So I focus and push myself through every class. I don't just control light, I create my own. It's what sets me apart from those before me. I let that be the mantra that pushes me forward. Late at night after I'm tired from training and spent after Xaden splits me apart until I'm seeing stars, do I stare at the sky. I wonder if I really could add to the endless collection above me. The power in my veins always seems to jump at the thought, like its begging for the chance to show what it can do.
I start small the first thing I learn to control is my ability to see in the dark. It takes me two weeks to be able to control it without issue. Which means I spent two weeks barely sleeping. What little sleep I did get was only because of Xaden, who enjoyed the challenge of fucking me until I couldn't keep my eyes open. I learned what worked best for me was using grounding to control my abilities. Its all too easy to envision his former room and the oil lamp on Xaden's desk, I choose that as the source for my night vision. When the lamp was burning I was using it, when it was off, my vision was normal.
It didn't work for everything though. Like my shields or physical light for attacks. That came from in the moment, a combination of my instinct, envisioning, and the power itself. Professor Carr says that a lot of what I can do overlaps with shadow and fire signets. Like a fire wielder, I can change the colour, brightness, and temperature of my light. I can use it to burn something to ash in a blink of an eye, or melt metal before anyone can react.
No matter how hot I make the light, it never burns me, and neither does fire either. Professor Carr thinks its because my light burns even brighter and doesn't harm me. I can also control how much it can affect someone else if at all. Carr pushes me every lesson we have, its during one of these where he pushes me too far. We're on a mountain top, far enough away from Basgaith that I won't accidentally burn anything down again.
"Focus your power, let it escape." Sweat is dripping off my skin, and Xaden is watching me with concern. "You are the star maker, show that you deserve the name." He sends a series of fireballs at me, I shoot down each one with my own light. "Better, but you can do more. Stop holding back."
He doesn't let up, and I miss deflecting one, it hits my shoulder, it doesn't burn my skin, but the force sends me back and I stumble to my knees. "Alright that's enough." Xaden interjects anger dripping with every word, his shadows swirling protectively around me.
"Then take her place." Professor Carr is fighting to kill and when he sends a wave of fire at Xaden, I don't think. I just feel. The urge to protect him overpowers my exhaustion, my doubt, it overwrites all else. I create a shield around Xaden and let go. My power shoots out of me in a blinding flash. All that exists as far as I can see is my light. Its bright, pure, and simply raw power.
Nox is growling in my head, but I can barely hear what he's saying, my only focus is on Professor Carr, who got knocked to the ground from my attack. His skin is burned, and his left eye looks off. He's staring at me like he's never seen me before. I move towards him intent on finishing what he's started. The ground shakes and I turn to face the incoming threat, then my vision isn't my own, it's Nox's.
I can see myself through his eyes. My eyes are glowing pure white, my body is covered in a flame like light, it moves and mimics an actual fire. There's blood on my knees, and my clothes are burned through on my shoulder, none of those are what I notice first though. That privilege goes to my legs and feet, which aren't on the ground, but instead hovering above it.
My vision snaps back to my own, and my body drops towards the ground. Xaden catches me and I see the panic on his face as my vision starts to darken. I am unbelievably tired, I feel it down to my bones. He's saying something but I can't hear a word. There are tears on his face, and I don't understand why. Everything fades to black before I can reach up and wipe them away.
My eyes slowly open, and I look around me. A quick scan tells me where I am. The healers. Fuck why does everything hurt. Nox. I reach out in a panic and realize he's there already.
Sweet One. He says, there's relief in his voice.
"What happened? I don't remember anything after Professor Carr got me in the shoulder." He replays the memory for me, and that explains why everything hurts sort of.
I have spoken to his dragon, he will not risk your life in the pursue of questions.
"Risk my life?"
Yes Sweet One, you almost died.
Oh that explains everything. "Is Xaden alright?"
The distraction is fine. You made sure he was protected, he brought you back here. He was worried about you, if it weren't for Sgaeyl interfering I fear he would have killed your professor.
I grin. "Careful Nox," I say teasingly. "It almost sounds like you approve of him."
He ignores me and continues speaking. Him and the large one have been trading shifts with you when they can. Your distraction has left a shadow to watch over you.
I sit up, and notice the shadow on my arm. "You can go tell your dad that I'm fine." It squeezes me lightly. "What happened to Carr?"
You burned him and blinded his left eye.
"Shit. How much trouble am I in?"
None, it was his own fault for pushing you too far, and Nolon was able to repair the damage.
He sounds so tired. "Have you slept at all?"
I was waiting to know you were alright.
"I'm okay Nox, you can sleep, I'll leave the shields down so if something happens youll be the first to know." He thinks it over before agreeing.
After that I flag one of the nurses down. They perform a few tests, and finally tell me to use my signet. "Just do something small." I nod, and make a little pyramid in my hands.
"Is that alright?" She nods.
"Perfect dear, I'm going to go grab you something to eat, and you can leave later this evening." I barely pay her any mind, my focus is on my creation.
It's almost like its alive in my hand, it's not pulling just at me, like before. Whenever I'd use my signet, it always pulled at me, demanding more, asking me to not hold back. Now it pulls at me, and it's not just from my bond with Nox, but from the sky too. The light starts to turn white, Xaden is nearby, and the doors slam open. I hear two sets of footsteps, and I know it's Garrick with him. The curtain is thrown open, and they both stare at me.
"Shouldn't you be in class?" They both cross the room, and I'm pulled into the most awkwardly angled double hug of my life.
I still feel so weak, but I manage to hug them back. Once they let me go, Xaden is kissing me for all we're worth, and then he immediately jumps to berating me. "Fucking hell Avari you could've died." Xaden's voice isn't loud, but it feels like I'm being screamed at all the same. "What were you thinking?"
"I wasn't." I admit, and they both look at me uncertain.
"What do you mean sweetheart?" Garrick sits on the edge of my bed, taking my hand reassuringly.
"I wasn't thinking, I just felt, and all that mattered to me, to my power, was protecting Xaden." I'm not sure I'm explaining this right. It makes sense in my mind, but trying to verbalise it, that's another thing.
"I understand what you mean. My shadows are the same about you." I'm relieved he understands what I'm getting at. "But you could've burned out, you almost did."
I glance around and make sure no one's listening. Xaden picks up on what I'm doing and casts a sound shield around us. "I don't think so. It didn't feel like how they describe burning out, it was more like I was burning away."
"Meaning?" Garrick asks.
"This is going to sound crazy, but when the nurse had me use my signet something was different." I created the same triangle from before. "When I use my signet it usually pulls from within me, from my bond with Nox, its basic channelling."
"Right thats how it is for all of us." Xaden remarks, letting one of his shadows circle around my arm. "Is it not channelling correctly?"
"It is and isn't." They both give me confused looks. "Its not just pulling from my bond with Nox anymore, its pulling from the sky."
"What?" They shout in unison.
"Its letting me pull from the sky." I clarify, they both look like they have a thousand things to say each, but before they can, the nurse is coming back. Xaden drops the sound shield, and she places a tray on my lap. We wait for her to walk away before he raises it again.
"You're drawing power from the sky?" I nod, tearing off a piece of bread and dipping it into the beef stew. As I eat we discuss what this means, and if its true.
"Listen the only way to know for sure is for me to ask Nox. So as soon as he's up I will." They both nod and that ends that topic.
The bell sounds, and Garrick sighs getting up. "I'll come and get you when they release you." I nod glancing at Xaden.
"What about you?"
"Training with Carr." There's a bit of hate in his tone. Garrick gives me another tight hug, kissing me on my forehead before heading out. "I almost lost you." Xaden whispers, his finger brushing my cheek.
"I know, I'm not sorry. I would do anything for you." He sighs.
"I'm well the fuck aware, you don't consider the fact that I care more about you, my - then anything else." I don't quite get the word he says in the middle.
"Did you say my life or my light?" Or maybe he said my wife, my traitorous mind offers.
"Aren't they the same thing." He kisses me softly. "You, Avari Solaris, are my life and my light."
"I love you."
"I love you more Sunfire." I want to ask him to stay, but I know he'll get in trouble for it.
Its like he can read my mind, because he just takes a seat in the chair beside the bed. "How long did you spend here?"
"All night every night youve been in here." The nurse says taking my empty tray. She looks between us two and seemingly comes to a decision. "If he agrees to keep an eye on you for the rest of today, I'll let you leave now."
"Well babe?"
"I won't let her out of my sight." He promises and before I can object, he's picking me up like a new bride.
"I can walk you know. She said keep an eye on me, not carry me." I catch the amused look on the nurses face as he carries me out.
"I consider it the same thing."
"Asshole." I'll never admit it but he's right to carry me. I have no energy, and definitely would not be able to manage all the stairs.
He helps me undress, and washes my hair for me. It takes a little bit of time, considering the ash and blood dried on my skin. When I'm finally clean and in one of his shirts and a pair of his boxers do I get to crawl into his bed. He spoons me, careful not to hold me too tight.
It's exactly what I need to feel better and as I'm starting to drift off I remember something. "I'm not sure if I'm recalling this correctly, but was I flying?"
"You were, like a star come alive, a true goddess."
"Do you think I could do it again." He nods.
"If there is one thing I know without a doubt its that once you start something, you don't stop until you achieve it." I fall asleep in his arms, and sleep straight until the next morning. They send me right back to training that night. Xaden and Garrick both hate it.
I discover like Xaden's shadows I can make my light solid and firm, but his shadows are more fluid then my light. It's almost like they're sentient. The light I create is just that, light, until I make it otherwise. I can shape it into projectiles, whips, even just curved waves that I tend to favour against bigger targets. Its ironic, his shadows are better suited for defense but he's all about offense. Whereas my light is meant for offense, yet I utilize it as defense.
Maybe a week after my incident Xaden has a private lesson with professor Carr and Garrick is off with Annalise. They got their own signets in the weeks after us. Garrick is an air wielder and Annalise can summon objects.
I decide to seek out Blake, I was hoping to get his help. I was struggling with changing the sizes of my projectiles as well as separate control. Truthfully though, I missed him and the boys, that's the real reason I'm searching for them. He's in the gym as usual.
"Hello idiots." The past few months I've made my own little place in their group. Its nice to have something separate from Xaden and Garrick, I feel selfish for it.
It's not selfish to have something for yourself. Nox says gently. You are allowed to have people just for you.
"Hey sunshine, how's training going." I sigh, sitting down on the mat.
"I'll show you." With practiced ease a series of silvery blue balls circle me. No matter how many times people see it, they're always amazed by what I do. They're in perfect uniform, circling at a set speed, the same size, it's picture perfect. Bruce reaches over and touches one of them. I let it burn red, but so do the rest.
"No matter what I try, I can't get them to be different from each other." I say bringing them all together into one form.
"I can help." Bruce says sitting down across from me, Blake and Gray take to the mat beside us.
"Gods I hope so, Carr is driving me insane." He holds out both of his hands, palms up, twin flames appearing.
"Alright copy me." I do as he says, letting two balls of red light float above my palms. "Focus on the one in your left hand, ignore the other but don't let it disappear."
He shows me what he means, when one of his hands burns brighter then the other. I focus the power towards my left hand.
"Okay what next?" I ask once I'm sure I can hold it the way he wants me too.
"Now pick a colour and change it to that, while focusing only on that hand. If it fails, just pick a different colour and focus again." He demonstrates and the same hand burns an intense orange.
It takes me three tries, going from orange to green to purple before I get it. Finally the one in my left hand is a soft purple, while the one in my right is green.
"Okay, now this part you'll hate, but equalize the power your channelling to both, but keep them different."
He's right I do hate it. "Fuck this." I mutter getting up after an hour of failed attempts.
"Alright sunshine let's get some of that anger out." Blake takes me to the side, and slips on the punching pads. I don't say anything as I punch at his hands. A few of my hits sends him back a little, and it does help me feel better. Once I start hitting my stride he stops me. "Sit with me, do what you were before."
"Seriously Blake, I can't do it. I've been trying for the past week, and today was the most progress I've ever managed." Since starting to channel from the sky as well as Nox, its become harder to do more complex things like this.
"Just let me try this and if it doesn't work you can go back to kicking my ass." I sigh but sit down. It takes me a few minutes before I manage the two different coloured lights.
"Alright what's your idea?"
"Have I ever told you about how horses have it out for me?" Has this man gone crazy?
"What?" I ask not sure if I heard correctly. "Did you say horses have it out for you?" He nods.
"So my uncle, he has a lot of land and built this giant stable, and he rents out space to the neighbours so they can keep their horses there."
"Right? Still not getting how we get to the horses having it out for you part?"
"Patience sunshine." I stick my tongue out at him but let him continue. "So in the summers my uncle would pay me for helping out in the stables. Its there things took a turn."
"Are you telling her about the horse conspiracy." Gray asks coming over.
"Oh its a conspiracy now?" I say teasingly.
"Create eight more lights." Then he continues. "It is a conspiracy."
"Bruce come join us, I'm not sitting through this alone again." He jogs over joining our little group.
"As I was saying it started with the Mccarthy horse. That beast hated me, everytime I came to feed him he'd try and take a bite out of me."
"Are you sure?" He nods.
"Hear him out Avari." Gray says like he believes him about it being a conspiracy.
"Then slowly every time I interacted with any horse something would go wrong. I swear one of them tripped me and I fell face first into a dirty bucket." He goes on to tell us about several other instances that occurred over that summer.
"I mean its not necessarily a conspiracy, it could just be extremely bad luck." I argue.
His eyes darken as though relieving a horror. "Oh gods, you just had to say that." Mutters Bruce.
"It was August seventeenth, six-fourty two in the evening," I clearly triggered something. "I was on my way out, I had a date, I was careful not to say a word about it around the horses, but its like they knew." His voice trails off like its hard to talk about.
"Its okay bro, you can do this." Gray says reassuringly. What the actual fuck is going on?
"My uncle came in and said to just bring in one of the horses and I would be clear to leave. So I headed out to the pen, I followed the prints in the mud and found the horse with ease. I was leading her back when the Mccarthy horse showed up."
"What?" That was kind of suspicious.
"It stared me down and then nodded once, and before I could react the horse I was leading started running at full speed. I was being dragged beside her, and before I could let go of the rope she suddenly stopped."
"Then what?" I think I know where this is going.
"I went flying through the fence and into the food waste trough I blacked out on impact. When I woke up I was covered in mud and moldy food, being dragged by an entirely different horse. I still don't know how they tied the rope to my foot."
"Damn that's-" Bruce cuts me off.
"He's not done."
"It gets worse?"
"It gets worse." They all confirm in unison.
"It turns out my date had come over early and saw the whole thing. She went and got my uncle, who rode over and got the horse to calm down long enough to untie me. He put me on his own horse and we rode back, once I got off, said horse kicked me right in the ribs. I doubled over in pain, and ripped my pants open in front of my date."
"That's..." I trail off.
"I had gone commando that day, and ended up with three broken ribs."
"Fuck it is a conspiracy."
He grins. "Glad you agree, and I told you my idea would work." I look down and sure enough each one of the lights were a different colour, and more importantly I was using the exact same amount of power for each one.
"You distracted me." I say realizing what he did. "I can't believe that worked."
"Of course it did, you get in you head about making things work. All I had to do was get you out of that state, and you did the rest." It was like something clicked, after that it was so easy to change between each attack and form.
It was fluid, I moved with ease, no hesitation in what I was doing. I decide to go to the range and I struck a row of targets perfectly. Each dagger of light pierces through the board in a bullseye. I spend a week practicing different attacks, both single and multiple to truly ensure I had the control I wanted.
Then I went back to Blake for the original problem, sizing. He's not in the gym where I first look, Gray says he's in his room. I head up flipping through my notebook.
"I need your help." I'm focused on the notes I'm reading over when I barge into his room.
"Kind of busy here." I look up and my breath catches. He's shirtless, water dripping off him, a towel dangerously low on his hips.
Fucking hell has he always been this ripped. "Sorry." I quickly retreat back out into the hallway. "I'm waiting for you in the gym." I call through the door, and turn right back the way I came. I should have knocked.
When he walks in he has a smug look on his face, and I know it's because of me. He's enjoying the fact that he had caught me off guard. I don't give him the satisfaction of looking his way. So he just crouches beside me grabbing my notes from my hand. "Now what did you need help with?"
I grab the notebook back. "I thought that since your signet involves changing the size of things, well, you could help me figure out how to do it with mine."
"I've seen you change the size though." He says confused, sitting across from me.
"Yeah but not fluidly, not like the multiple lights." He gives me a knowing look and I sigh. "You really helped me last time too."
"So basically I'm your only hope." I really want to hit him right now.
"Yes." I say softly.
"It must be bad if you're admitting it." He teases.
"Its frustrating okay. My signet is already so rare, couple it with the fact that the dragons call me star maker and." My words escape me.
"There's pressure to live up to that." He fills it in for me.
"Yeah there is." He gets up and walks over to Gray's pack, he takes out of the notebooks and tears out a few sheets of paper.
"Really?" Gray shouts from where he's working out on one of the machines.
'Its for a worthy cause." Blake yells back. He's silent as he folds one of the pieces several times before holding it out to me.
"Its a boat." I say dryly.
"You could be a detective with observations like those."
"Ass. I meant how's a boat going to help." He answers by making it grow in his hands. "Teach me." I demand. "And don't you dare say patience."
"Relax sunshine."
"Smart ass." But I do as he says, and relax.
"You okay if I touch you." I nod, I find it sweet that he asks even after all this time.
"You know you don't have to ask anymore right? We're friends and its been months since the hallway incident. I'm okay."
"I know that, but I respect your space."
"Just touch me already Blake." He grins and does as I say, he places the boat into my hands, and his own hold mine, locking at our thumbs. He guides my hands back and forth, and I swear it's almost like I'm controlling the stupid boat's size on my own.
He picks up on it because he lets go of my hands and removes the boat. I create a small ball of light, letting it hover between my hands. I breathe before moving my hands, it's stiff and choppy, but the more I do it the more fluid the movement becomes.
"Create more." He says softly. I make three more and look at him for instruction. He had made more boats and I watch how his hands move. He's making one grow and another shrink simultaneously. I mimic the movements and it takes some time before my light starts responding the same way. It's not fluid like his, and it's frustrating me.
"Why is this so hard?" I'm ready to call it quits for today.
"Hey look at me." He says softly, his voice gentle yet commanding, a balance I didn't think could happen. "Ignore everything else, focus on me."
That's easy to do, I focus on the way his chest rises and falls with each breath. The fact that his hair is still a little wet, and there are a few drops of water staining the ground. I focus on his eyes, and how I have never noticed the green flecks in them. I realize how much he means to me, how much they all do. I focus on the part of me that wants to protect the first friends I made simply because I wanted too.
The world slips away, and I'm not sure how long we're sitting here together. Eventually I'm doing it just like him, if not better.
"Alright final test." He gets up and stands in the middle of the room. "Cover the room in light." Like that day on the flight field the room is covered in my small balls of light, only this time I shape them like a prism. The form is easy, it's basically a cube, just angled.
He points at different ones non stop, either saying normal, large, or small. It's a good test, and it's tiring, but I manage it. Its also a good thing its only us, Gray, and Bruce in here right now, because this was definitely a distraction. They both stop their sets to watch and then Bruce comes over and starts saying colours. Gray not wanting to be left out, goes between size and colour too. I follow their instruction, growing more tired by the minute.
"Alright sunshine, I think its safe to say you know what youre doing now." I grin, slowly bringing all the light together, before letting it fade.
"Professor Carr is going to be so impressed. He might start demanding you help him with his class." I get up, and nearly collapse. He's beside me in a flash, catching me before I hit the floor.
"You okay?" He asks.
"Yeah, just overdid it a little." I say catching my breath. I look up and am aware of how close we are. Gray comes over and looks me over.
"There's nothing to mend, you just pushed too hard." He confirms.
"Worth it." I declare, we all lay down on the mats together.
We talk about our families, and I mention that I think Alastair might be coming down for the deployment gala. That's when different representatives come down to Basgaith for a few days, and inform the graduating class of different stations they can request to serve at. The first night is the gala, where everyone can meet in a more laid back situation. The next day you follow up different tables for information. The last day you sign up to whichever outposts you're interested in.
"I know youre all only second years, but have you considered where you want to be deployed after graduation?"
"Not really."
"No."
"Not yet."
That gets my attention and I sit up to look at them all. "What? Why?" They don't reply and I think it over as they avoid my eyes. "You guys don't want to be separated." I say hesitantly.
Blake is the one to speak. "Its stupid I know." I shake my head.
"Its not, the years I had to go through without Xaden and Garrick were some of the most difficult of my life. Its hard to be away from your people when you know it doesn't need to be that way."
"So how did you manage it?" Gray asks.
"I would replay old memories, repeat the things I knew about them. Commit every little bit of them I could to memory. Until it was like they were written in my very bones. I never knew if they were alive, and that was all I had."
"Our thing doesnt seem as bad anymore." Bruce mumbles.
I shake my head. "They aren't comparable things. Its still going to feel like a part of you is missing, somedays it still feels like that." I admit.
"How did you survive the uncertainty, the never knowing?" Gray inquires.
"I put my trust and faith into them. That they wouldn't let anything keep us apart, the same way I wouldn't. I held onto that through everything, that they're my family and that defies all else."
"Did it get easier?" Bruce asks.
"I don't know. I think I just got better at dealing with it. When the day comes, you guys will be able to handle things whether it be together or apart."
They all smile my way. "Thanks sunshine. You're pretty good at this reassurance thing." I shrug.
"I have had plenty of practice on myself." I decide to let them have a moment amongst themselves. "I should get going before I miss curfew."
They nod. "Hey Avari." I glance back. "Thank you."
"You guys never have to thank me for anything." And with that I leave with the intention of finding Garrick and Xaden. I just need to be near them right now. To remind myself that I am not going to lose them again.
Sweet One, you will never be alone again. That I promise you.
"I know Nox, I have you."