Evening Tea
Tuesday is a surprisingly normal day all things considered. Sirius isn’t sure what he expected. Remus and him shared an intimate moment Sunday at the graveyard, or at least it was intimate according to Sirius. Now, he is not so sure if Remus felt the same or if it was all just a fever dream. They have barely spoken or acknowledged the moment between them. Maybe it was not as special to Remus as Sirius would like to think.
Sirius did receive a simple text from him on Monday saying 'thank you for yesterday’ and ‘enjoy your day off, see you tomorrow’. Sirius had replied to it immediately but did not hear anything further. It has just been complete radio silence from Remus. Sirius only feels slightly pathetic for responding so fast to him.
He quickly entertained texting Marlene to let her know Remus had called him. Maybe also ask her if he was okay. Eventually he decided against it. Remus had seemed lively enough on their drive back to his house on Sunday from the cemetery.
So instead Sirius did nothing.
He enjoyed (or tried to enjoy) his Monday off, visiting the Potters and apologised for not visiting them on Sunday like planned. He did not tell Lily or James why. Usually, Sirius would tell them everything. Especially James. This thing with Remus however felt all too personal. It is not like he lied to them either. He did tell them he visited Regulus but left out the details about Remus. This revelation, as always, promptly made James fuss all over him asking him a million questions. Sirius barely had the heart to tell James that he was not the one spiralling this time.
So Sirius arrives on Tuesday, a very gloomy and rainy morning. As usual he is ready to cook. Remus quickly and quietly eats his breakfast at the kitchen island and takes his lunch in the studio. He doesn’t mention anything, and neither does Sirius. It is like an unspoken agreement between them that it never happened.
Everything is back to usual.
Except one thing. Sirius probably wouldn’t have noticed it at all, if it wasn’t so prominent to him thinking back to the past week.
It is Marlene.
She is there constantly. As in almost following Remus around the house like a puppy.
She eats breakfast with Remus. She sits in Remus’ study with him and reads or listens to music. She types out emails on her laptop while Remus eats lunch or plays his music. Sirius isn’t sure what to make of it. He has a nagging feeling that she knows what happened. Remus must have told her. Sirius does find her helicopter-like behaviour slightly concerning, ultimately it is nice that she cares about him beyond the money he brings in.
Sirius is contemplating this in the kitchen while peeling potatoes into the sink. It is late afternoon but the weather outside has only gotten worse. Perfect weather for a roasted and warm dinner with some hearty potatoes. Maybe he should swap the glaze he intended to make for a darker sauce which would pair well with the roasted carrots and potatoes?
Sirius is so caught up in this decision, that he does not notice Marlene as she enters.
“Hey Sirius, do you have a minute?” She asks and he looks up surprised that she acknowledges him. It is the first time today that she is not close to Remus.
He shrugs and raises both his hands to show off the potato and peeler in each hand, “Sure, if you don’t mind me working?” He says. Certainly Remus would not mind his dinner a little delayed but this is more for Sirius. He never seems to be able to sit still or slow down. He always has to work and move around. Cooking and thereby working with his hands provides an excellent distraction. Maybe that’s why his parents never seemed happy with him. He could never sit still at those fancy dinner parties.
Marlene interrupts Sirius’ thoughts by jumping straight to the point. Always with the business-straight-to-the-point-attitude.
“I just wanted to thank you. For responding to Remus. Bringing him out of the house,” Marlene says and sits down on the kitchen island in front of him. So, Remus did tell her and that is why she is running around after him. It makes sense.
“Oh, you’re welcome. I figured he needed someone to take his mind off things,” Sirius says, not sure what else he can really say.
“Yeah, but you are good for him,” Marlene says thoughtfully and quickly adds, “I think at least”
Sirius can instantly feel his cheeks heat up. Lily has said something similar, and Sirius has not dared to ask what they meant. He does not ask now either.
Marlene is either not aware of the flush across Sirius’ face or she just does not care. She continues, “I think he is doing better lately. Getting back into music is just a little hard for him because of his dramatic exit and, you know, with everything that happened”
Sirius isn’t sure if Marlene is talking to him or herself. He also has no idea what dramatic exit she is talking about.
“But it will be good for him. To get back into it. It is always healthy to get your feelings off your chest,” She says thoughtfully.
Sirius wants to ask what happened.
Before he can though, Marlene’s phone rings. She reads the display and makes a face, clearly not happy with whoever is calling. “I have to take this one, Sirius. Manager-duty,” She says apologetic and lifts the phone to her ear.
The second she speaks into the phone her voice is completely changed. She sounds cheerful and happy, but watching her from a distance Sirius can tell her smile is not quite reaching her eyes. She talks at a rapid speed as she slips out the room and probably upstairs to Remus, “Lockhart! So glad you could call me back. I was wondering if you had time for a meeting. Remus is…” Her voice fades as she ascends upstairs, leaving Sirius to peel his potatoes in peace.
Sirius decides to swap the glaze for a sauce. It will fit the dish better and give Sirius something additional to do so he doesn’t have to think about Remus.
Sirius grabs his bag after cleaning the kitchen like he always does.
Remus and Marlene ate dinner together upstairs, which Sirius tried his best to not feel weird about. Remus was immersed in his work last week, still this seems different. Like he is avoiding Sirius altogether and not just working.
As he heads out, and tries not to think too much about this, he slips past the living room. Remus is reading in the comfortable armchair by the window. Sirius did not hear him come downstairs earlier. He can not tell what book it is, but Remus looks very invested in it.
It is dark outside but the warm lights from the living room cast shadows across his face. The dark shadows and warm light creates a captivating contrast to the silver scar across his face. His eyes are warm and kind, and suddenly said eyes are looking up at Sirius.
They are both quiet and staring at each other from across the room. Sirius realises this is probably the first time since Sunday that they have been alone together. Remus is quiet like he has been all day.
“I am done for the day. I am heading out,” Sirius blunts out before he can even think it through. The silence between them is too much for Sirius. Remus nods, and for a second Sirius thinks this is it. That they will continue on like this. Separate, but in the same house as if they did not share an intimate moment of vulnerability.
Remus surprises Sirius by speaking first. “Would you like to stay a bit?” He says softly and puts the book down.
Sirius looks away. Maybe he is being naïve about this thing. He likes Remus, sure. But a single conversation between them about someone deceased hardly means they are sharing a deep connection.
“I should really get home,” Sirius says softly to the ceiling. He would rather stay. Just a bit.
“Is someone waiting for you at home?” Remus asks. His voice is very quiet.
Sirius snaps his gaze down to Remus again. This was not what he expected Remus to think about. Sirius knows what he is asking; Do you have someone?
Sirius considers lying. Only because the truth is a little pathetic. No one is waiting for him at home. No one ever has. Sirius lived for a brief period at the Potter’s after his own parents disowned him. Do they count? Otherwise there has never been anyone.
And then there is the part about home. Sirius is not even sure where that is anymore. His own scabby flat does not even feel like a home. Only Alphard’s kitchen ever felt like that.
Sirius decides to be honest, ”No. No one is waiting for me”
Remus nods softly as if confirming what he just said. For a brief moment another emotion ghosts over his face. Sirius can’t tell what it is. Maybe relief?
“Would you like a cup?” He gestures to the teapot in front of him. Sirius had not even noticed it. He had been too focused on Remus. The book Remus was reading is neatly placed next to it but with no bookmark in sight. Sirius finds it odd. Either Remus did not care or he forgot about it entirely.
Sirius should really get home. It is the sensible, logical choice. To say his goodbyes and leave him alone. He should not get himself further tangled up with the musician that is Remus Lupin.
Sirius has never been sensible or logical.
“Sure. That would be nice,” Sirius says quietly and sits down on the couch in front of Remus.
Remus looks all too pleased with himself as he pours Sirius a cup of tea. “I enjoy some company at night,” Remus says off-handedly and Sirius raises an eyebrow at the comment. He probably does not mean anything by it, but Sirius can’t help but smirk at the double meaning.
Something in Sirius’ face must have given his thoughts away because Remus suddenly looks horrified.
“Not like that! I don’t hire sex workers!” He says defensively, “Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just- I don’t-”
Sirius can not help laughing. Remus is really digging his own grave and judging by the red tint across his cheeks, he is well aware of it himself.
“Relax, Remus. It’s alright,” Sirius laughs and grabs the cup Remus just poured for him, “I understand what you meant.”
“So smooth, Lupin,” Remus says to himself and buries his face in his hands.
Sirius decides to throw the poor man a life line by changing the subject. He leans back in his seat and asks him, “So, eh… how is it going with the music?”
“It’s okay,” Remus says almost shyly.
“Just okay?” Sirius asks and raises an eyebrow. He knows nothing about making music, but ‘okay’ seems a little underwhelming. Especially since it is Remus' bread and butter.
“I mean. It is going great. I have never done so much work, felt so inspired, and I think what I am making is really good”
“But?” Sirius says expectantly. He can hear in Remus’ voice that there is a but somewhere.
“But I also feel absolutely terrified,” Remus says and leans back in his chair. He looks surprisingly calm. “Of failure, of course. But also just… from how people see me I suppose”
Sirius considers it for a moment. Of course it must be scary to be judged so harshly on the music, but it seems a little odd to be terrified of how people will see him. He tells Remus as much, “What do you mean by ‘how people will see you’?”
Remus looks equally as confused.
“The scars?” He says and gestures to his face.
“Oh,” Is all Sirius can really reply. Sure, he has noticed and thought about it, but it seemed so insignificant to him. Remus is objectively handsome. With or without the scars. There are so many other things more mesmerising about Remus. “I wasn’t aware it was such a big deal to you”
“It is not. I just see other people making a big fuss about it. Some stare and look,” Remus says and looks down into the tea as if the dry leaves will provide him with an answer. He continues, “Sometimes, I feel like the scars are the first thing people see when they meet me” It feels very raw and honest.
It feels like Remus is making a confession to Sirius.
“The first thing I noticed about you were your eyes,” Sirius hears himself blurt out loud. He is surprised by his own words and looks up, meeting Remus’s eyes. Remus seems to be surprised too.
It feels odd to admit it out loud. And embarrassed. He should not have said that.
“They are- uh- very brown,” Sirius says awkwardly. He has never been this awkward. Sirius is not an awkward person. Sirius is a smooth-talker, keeps his cool and can flirt anyone’s pants off in a bar.
Somehow Remus makes him act all clumsy.
Sirius feels as if the air has been sucked out of the room. The tension is undeniable since Sirius told Remus the truth. Despite them sitting with a coffee table between them, Remus feels so close.
Sirius has felt like this before but only in this house and with Remus.
Remus seems to be aware of the tension, but he still looks at him.Clearly amused by Sirius’ embarrassment.
“Your eyes are very grey,” Remus replies. Short and simple.
He looks at Sirius in that specific way. Sirius has seen it before – in the kitchen by the new espresso machine and in the garden smoking in silence.
He still can not tell what it means.
“Uh,” Sirius says hesitantly. He wets his lips and instantly Remus’ eyes fall onto his mouth.
Sirius can do nothing but continue, “What about me?” He asks Remus. This conversation feels too personal like he is tiptoeing on an invisible line. Sirius does not want to come to his senses and stop it.
Remus’ gaze darts to his eyes instead. He lifts an eyebrow, “What do you mean?”
“What did you first notice about me?” Sirius says, surprising himself. He did not realise he thought so much about it, but it is out in the air now. He wants to know.
“Oh, I don’t know,” Remus says, and he is now the one to look embarrassed. His eyes scan around the room, trying to look anywhere but Sirius. It is a lie. Sirius can tell Remus is thinking of something specific. He just does not want to admit it. Sirius narrows his eyes, now he really needs to know. “I think…” Remus starts but trails off.
Sirius says nothing.
After a beat Remus continues. Seemingly admitting defeat to Sirius’ silence and deciding to be honest about it.
”I first saw you when you were making breakfast for me. You were humming to yourself while cutting some vegetables,” Remus says and looks at the cup of tea between his hands.
“An avocado,” Sirius says, suddenly out of breath.
It is just him and Remus. Here. And alone.
“What?” Remus says confused. He looks back up surprised like he was thinking about something else entirely.
“It was an avocado. The vegetable I was cutting. I remember that,” Sirius explains quickly. He remembers the first time they met so vividly.
“Right. An avocado,” Remus says. He looks lost in his own thoughts, but he is still staring at Sirius. Sirius can only wonder what Remus is thinking when he looks at him like that.
Remus continues, “I remember the look on your face. You were so focused. Didn’t even notice me. And humming something. Your hands were, eh, working. And your hair. I don’t know…” Remus speaks in short sentences like he is forcing the words to come out of his mouth. His mind is clearly on the memory but his mouth is clearly holding something back for Sirius. For a guy who writes and sings for a living, he sure seems to struggle with his words now.
Sirius is about to open his mouth and comment, but Remus is faster this time, “I remember thinking…”
He once again looks away from Sirius.
Sirius no longer wants to know what he was thinking. He needs to know it.
“What?” Sirius says and holds his eyes very pointedly at Remus. Remus is looking anywhere but at him.
“I remember thinking, that despite you wearing an apron and literally cooking in my kitchen… I didn’t think you were a chef. I thought-” Remus says and inhales, as if the air is floating with courage.
Maybe it is, because a heartbeat later he says, “I thought you were a model or something”
Sirius is quiet at first. He is not entirely sure what to say to that.
A model.
Sure, Sirius has received compliments before. Compliments either similar or even more flattering. Somehow - this coming from Remus - is even more precious to Sirius. Apparently Sirius must have been quiet for some time, because he realises Remus has lifted his gaze and is very pointedly looking at him.
“A model?” Sirius finally says in disbelief.
“Yeah,” Remus says and shrugs, “I don’t know”
This could be an awkward moment, but instead Sirius feels warm all over. He can not help but send Remus a small smile.
He gets one in return.