On the Fly
Sirius wakes up Sunday morning a little too early for his own taste. He glares at his clock next to the bed. Although he turned his alarm off last night when he got home, his body is used to waking up early from the days working at Remus’ and going to the market in the morning. He signs and rolls over to the other side of his bed.
It is his first day off since working for Remus.
And Sirius kind of misses it a bit, which is weird. With his old jobs, he would always look forward to days off, but after five days working for Remus, he does not feel the same way. He actually enjoys his job, and the time spent in the cosy house.
What is he even going to do today? He has no plans. Well, he is invited to dinner at James’ and Lily’s tonight. It reminds him that he needs to make sure he is not the one cooking. James is not good at cooking and Lily absolutely hates it which means, when they invite him, he typically ends up demanding them around the kitchen. He does not mind terribly. As long as they pay for the groceries and it is not an everyday thing.
Sirius shuts his eyes. Maybe if he keeps the light out he can get a few more hours of sleep. This is a luxury to Sirius. Just rolling over and continuing to sleep in.
And this is all made possible to the new job at Remus’.
Sirius can hardly believe it. He has been there for a week, and it turned out even better than he first assumed. Not only is the pay absolutely impeccable, but the creative freedom and how he decides everything for himself is a rare treat. And well, Remus is nice too. Sirius feels weird when he thinks about Remus. He is in a way his boss, but after only a week there, he feels more like a friend. Are they friends? Sirius knows a fair bit of personal stuff about him. Like how he gets so caught up in his work that he forgets the world around him, and how he has struggled for a long time with his creativity and desire to write music.
But there is still so much that he does not know about Remus.
As he is lying in bed, Sirius refuses to think more about Remus. It is his day off. Work is off limits.
Sirius spends an hour simply twisting and turning, falling in and out of sleep. Eventually he decides to get up and make the most of his day. He puts the kettle on to make himself a coffee. Simple, plain and black, and nowhere near as fancy as the one he had yesterday at Remus’ place. He turns the radio on while he prepares breakfast for himself. Just some toast, the bread home made of course, with a strawberry marmalade - also homemade.
The radio instantly starts playing a speech from inside the House of Commons. Sirius recognizes the voice in a matter of seconds. He has heard that voice a million times through his life and childhood, there is no way that he will willingly listen to it now when he has cut all ties with his past. He changes the radio station to one with classical music instead. He is not starting his day off with his own father spewing hatred through his speakers. Despite having no contact with his parents for years, Sirius still can seemingly not avoid them.
He sometimes wonders if his parents ever miss him. Deep down, he knows they probably don’t. He was never really their son, but instead more like a trophy to show off to their friends and associates. Until Sirius had enough of course.
And now they are here.
His parents live alone in their huge mansion with their political agenda, and Sirius in his shabby flat with absolutely nothing to his name. But it is for the better. He does not regret it one second.
Sirius drinks the warm coffee while he looks out the window. The view is not nearly as nice as from Remus’ garden. Everything Sirius can see is noisy cars and busy people. Now when he thinks about it, his flat is way more noisy compared to Remus’ cosy townhouse. It is not as peaceful at all, and Sirius finds himself missing it. It is frankly ridiculous. It is his day off yet he is missing his work.
He eats his toast by the counter while contemplating this. He has never felt this way about work before. Sirius always assumed he would become a chef and have his own restaurant, but this job for Remus has changed his mind. For the first time in forever, Sirius feels happy when he wakes up in the morning to go to the market. Marlene also seems to be happy with Sirius around. Sometimes she will join in for dinner, and she always compliments his cooking.
Remus on the other hand. It is different. He never really comments on Sirius and his cooking. Sure, he is nice and very kind, but Sirius has frankly no idea if he likes his cooking or not. He eats it at least. Remus does not talk a whole lot either. They exchange pleasantries when Remus eats in his kitchen or his studio, but during the day they do not talk much. But then on the other hand Remus sometimes sits with Sirius outside when he smokes, or Remus basically bought him a espresso machine. It makes Sirius’ head hurt just thinking about it. What exactly Remus wants from him is beyond Sirius’ understanding.
Sirius shakes his head. No matter how hard he tries, his thoughts always seem to circle back to Remus. In an attempt to think about anything else, Sirius decides to shower and get ready.
Sirius leaves his plate, coffee and phone on the counter. While the shower does not have a lot of hot water today, it still makes Sirius feel relaxed and refreshed. He should really get a hold of his landlord to fix the water issue, it is just an near impossible task. He washes his hair, which is really the only thing he is good at taking care of these days, and steps out of the shower with a towel around his waist. He should get dressed before the cold of his small room sets in. He grabs the coffee on the counter to take a sip. It is obviously cold now, and while he considers if he should make a new one. He notices the display on his phone.
2 missed calls from an unknown number.
It is not a number he has in his phone or one that he recognizes. Sirius feels a chill run down his spine.
What if something bad has happened? Could it be his parents? He did not pay attention to what his father said on the radio this morning but maybe something happened? But would they call him? They have not talked for years, and neither party has done anything to amend their relationship.
With a beating heart he presses the call button and lifts the phone to his ear. His heart slams against his ribcage and his skin feels sweaty and clam. Sirius is not used to anyone calling him. Let alone unfamiliar numbers.
The call is picked up after a few seconds.
“Sirius. Hi,” The voice says on the other end, and Sirius immediately recognizes it.
Remus.
Sirius feels himself instantly calm down. A phone call should really not get him this riled up.
“Hey,” Sirius says and leans against the counter.
“Sorry, did I disturb you? You didn’t pick up at first,” Remus says on the other end.
“No, no, it’s fine. I just got out of the shower”
“Oh,“ Remus says on the other end and goes very quiet. Sirius wonders if this was too intimate a detail.
“Rem-“ He begins to backtrack but Remus immediately cuts him off.
“Marlene, gave me your number!” Remus almost yells on the phone. He sounds flustered and caught off guard. Sirius wonders why.
“Yeah, I figured. It’s fine” Sirius quickly responds to calm Remus down, “why did you call me? Is everything okay?”
Remus takes a few seconds to respond, as if he needs to gather himself. Why Remus would need to do that after getting his number from Marlene is beyond Sirius? It is not a big deal that Marlene passed his number on.
“I just-” Remus hesitantly says on the phone. He seems apprehensive or almost embarrassed. “I don’t- It is very silly. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to disturb you when you are not at work,” Remus continues. Apparently regretting calling Sirius in the first place. There is clearly something Remus is holding back.
“Remus,” Sirius says calmly. He heads over to his bed and flops down despite the wet hair. “I called you back, right? I wouldn’t have done that if it wasn’t fine. I am not doing anything anyway, so just tell me what’s on your mind?” Sirius assures him. He does not like this stressed-out version of Remus.
“Okay, yeah,” Remus says and sighs, “I’m just… I’m stuck”
Sirius pauses for a second, “Stuck?”
“Yeah, stuck on this stupid song. I don’t know what to do” Remus explains, frustrated now.
Sirius can not help laughing out loud. “Christ, Remus. You need to get better at explaining yourself in full sentences. I thought you were physically stuck somewhere,” Sirius says and can not help laughing at the mental image of Remus stuck in a fence or door or something similar.
He really should not be laughing at Remus when he is so worried. Sirius just can't help it. Luckily, Remus is not mad about it. Instead he bursts out laughing too on the other end. His mood seems to have lightened a little bit.
“Sorry sorry, I am not good at expressing myself, didn’t I tell you? It always works out better in songs and such,” Remus explains between chuckles.
“Yeah, you did tell me that,” Sirius says softly. He does remember Remus saying he is not particularly good at articulating his feelings. Sirius can recall several instances of Remus stumbling his way through explanations when he gets caught off guard.
“So yeah,” Remus is quiet for a second, “do you have any wise words for me?”
“Hmm” Sirius says thoughtfully, “maybe you should just take a break? It sounds — to me at least — like you have worked pretty hard the past few days. It is okay to take a break sometimes and not do something that is not productive or work-related” Sirius says. He is not sure this will help Remus in any way, but what else can he say? Sirius is not a musician.
“Yeah, you are right. I should probably take a break,” Remus says after a quiet minute. “I just… I really want to do this. I really want this album to happen.”
“I get it,” Sirius says softly, “But I imagine you also want to do this really well. To do this your way. I don’t know if you can pour your heart into it if you pace yourself like that,” Sirius tells him gently. He feels a lot of sympathy for Remus and his music, and he gets it. He really does. The urge to finish something, an album or culinary school, to prove that he can do it. To prove it to his fans, friends and family. Sirius knows this feeling, but he also knows it is not possible if it is forced.
“I haven’t done anything in like three years. I have just written music for others, which is fine, I get song-writing credit and pay and all… but I think I need to start making it myself again,” Remus says frustrated before he continues, “And three years is a long time, I don’t know if I… You know. If I can still do it”
Sirius doesn’t know what to say. He has not even heard Remus’ music so he has absolutely no say in any of this. If Remus really was so successful in the past, it makes sense for him to feel a lot of pressure repeating the success. Music can not be easy. It changes constantly and it is hard to determine if something will be well-received prior to its release. It is also an industry with constant change and a pressure Sirius can not even imagine. People will probably say the meanest things if Remus can not get the same level of praise as prior.
“I don’t know, Remus” Sirius says honestly, “I don’t know anything about music. But it sounds like you are spiralling a bit,” Sirius is careful with his words. But it does sound like he is overthinking this and can not get out of his head.
Remus is quiet on the other end and Sirius takes this as a sign to continue.
“I think you need to get out of the house. When was the last time you left the house?” Sirius asks and sits up on the bed. His hair left a big wet spot on it, but he can honestly not be bothered to care for it.
“I don’t know..” Remus says in a small voice like he is about to cry.
“Okay, okay” Sirius says quickly, formulating a plan in his head. He is not sure he can handle Remus if he cries on the phone. “Do you want to go somewhere with me? I was probably gonna go to the market this afternoon..” Sirius suggests. He can not just leave Remus like this. The market is the usual place Sirius would go if he needed to think and be alone.
“Not the market. Too many people..” Remus says on the phone, which is a consideration Sirius did not think about. Remus is famous. People will recognize him and ask for pictures and autographs.
“Right, right. I will think of something. Quiet and few people. I’m picking you up, okay?” Sirius says and gets up. Abandoning the wet towel of the bed, he gets up to haul clothes out of his closet.
“Okay,” Remus simply says. He sounds a bit more collected now.
“I will think of something. Just- get dressed if you aren’t already and I will be there soon,” Sirius explains. He doesn’t hang up right away but instead waits for Remus to confirm it.
He rushes to get ready. Sirius is so worried about him. He doesn’t even know Remus that well, and the fact that he called Sirius, of all people, when in desperate need of a friend. Remus did not sound well over the phone, and Sirius has little idea of how to help him. He knows next to nothing about the music industry, let alone music in itself. How can he even help? Maybe he just needs to reassure Remus, and take his mind off music for a second.
That is Sirius’ strategy now. Pick up Remus ,and make sure he thinks about something else.
Sirius gets in his car, hair still wet from the shower, and starts his car. At first nothing happens. Sirius curses loudly, which must have helped because on the second try the car spurs to life. It would really be horrible timing if the car died on him now. Obviously, the car is old and worn down but now is not the time to break. He drives to Remus’ with urgency. He knows the way well by now, and since he doesn’t have to stop by the market like usual, he arrives a lot faster than usual.
He reaches Remus’ house and parks out front. Sirius lets himself in, not bothering to knock or ring the doorbell.
“Remus,” He calls out into the big house, “Remus!”
He emerges from upstairs the second time Sirius yells his name. Sirius feels instantly relieved. Remus looks okay at least. He is well dressed in a comfortable sweater and his hair is not the usual mess but rather looks brushed and styled. From the looks of it, Remus has been awake for some time.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Remus says and takes the last few steps down the stairs.
“It’s okay. You just sounded a bit…” Sirius is not sure what to say. How he should describe Remus.
“I know, I know,” Remus says and runs a hand through his hair. “I’m really sorry. It’s just a lot right now”
“Remus,” Sirius says sternly. “You need to stop apologising. I told you already. It’s fine,” Sirius says and he means it. Remus clearly needed Sirius and here he is. On his day off, picking up Remus to get him out of the house and out of whatever spiral Remus had going on.
Sirius cares about him.
“Where are we going?” Remus says and grabs his jacket. He follows Sirius out the door, tailing close behind him.
“Somewhere quiet and without a lot of people,” Sirius says simply. Sirius doesn’t know a lot of places in London where both these conditions are fulfilled. But he does have somewhere in mind. Somewhere he likes to go for peace and quiet.
Remus sends him a soft smile when he sits in the car next to Sirius.
“Can I say thank you then? Since I’m not allowed to say, I’m sorry,” Remus asks as Sirius starts the car.
The car, luckily, starts immediately.
“You can say thank you,” Sirius confirms with a small smile on his lips.
“In that case; thank you,” Remus replies and Sirius can not hold his smile back. It is nice. This thing they have between them. Sirius isn’t sure what to call it. Playful teasing? Banter? Regardless it is something he would only do with friends.
Sirius forgets for a second why he is here, and how out of it Remus seemed on the phone.
“You’re welcome,” Sirius says and a pleasant silence falls upon them.
Sirius knows the way by heart. It is a bit of a long drive but Remus doesn’t say anything. Instead he hums to himself next to Sirius. It is not a song that Sirius recognizes, and he wonders if it is one of the new songs which he struggled with. Remus tabs his fingers absentmindedly against his legs in a repetitive rhythm. His hands are long and slender, and Sirius really hopes he will at some point watch him play the grand piano Remus has in the living room.
It is just wishful thinking.
Sirius forces himself to look back to the road. He should not be staring at Remus while driving.
Or at any other time really.
He continues down the road and passes Fleur de Sel. He drives past it almost every day to and from Remus, and at this point it is just taunting him. A statement of exclusivity and impeccable cooking, and something Sirius most likely will never be a part of. Sirius has found his peace with it, but still can not help turn his gaze towards the restaurant as they drive past.
“Who was that?” Remus asks, breaking the silence. He is looking at Sirius with an unclear expression on his face.
“I’m sorry?” Sirius asks, confused.
“The person you were looking after? On the street?” Remus elaborates, and Sirius realises Remus saw him stare after the restaurant and assumed he was looking after a person.
“Oh, no. Not a person. A restaurant. Sorry,” Sirius says and feels embarrassed by this. Was he really looking after the restaurant like it was some long lost lover? He really needs to get himself together. It’s just a restaurant.
“A restaurant?” Remus says and raises an eyebrow. He does not look judgmental but Sirius still feels weird about it.
“Yeah,” Sirius chuckles softly. He feels his cheeks heat up, “My entire life is literally about food, Remus. You should know that by now,” Sirius says to brush it off as a joke. It is embarrassing to admit but true regardless.
Remus smiles too. His smile is soft and gentle, and a little crooked to the side. He is not mocking Sirius at all. “Is it a good restaurant? Have you worked there?” He asks, and Sirius feels warm all over. It is nice that Remus is pretending to care about this stupid restaurant which matters so much to Sirius.
“Fleur de Sel? Oh god no. I wish, but it is too exclusive and the waiting list is months long.. Besides, even if I got in, I don’t think I would be able to afford even an appetiser there,” Sirius admits and lets out a chuckle to himself. Fleur de Sel is nothing but a wish or rather a fantasy Sirius hopes to one day experience.
“Oh,” Remus seems surprised and leans back in his seat. He looks away from Sirius and back out the window. Sirius feels a little uneasy. Did he say something wrong? Should he not have said that?
“Am I not… Am I not paying you enough?” Remus asks carefully. He looks just as uncomfortable as Sirius feels. Sirius’ eyes widen slightly as he realises what Remus is saying. Remus does not care about how much this matters to Sirius or thinks less of him for his obsession. No, Remus makes a fuss about the fact that Sirius can’t afford it.
“That’s not it,” Sirius says a little too fast. He does not want Remus to think that he is not paying him enough. “I just.. I didn’t have good jobs prior. And don’t have much heritage or anything, so.. you know” Sirius says and shrugs. He is not sure whenever Remus actually understands it. Growing up rich and losing it all in the matter of days.
Sirius realises he does not know so much about Remus’ past whenever he grew up rich and nepotism helped jumpstart his career. That would probably have been Sirius if he never said no to his parents.
“Oh, that’s good. That’s good,” Remus says quietly.
“You pay me well,” Sirius clarifies, because really Remus does pay him well. And he does not want Remus to think otherwise. “Really, this is probably the best paying job I have ever had. And I have a lot of creative freedom. I can’t complain,” Sirius elaborates and smiles at Remus.
Remus smiles back.
“Good. I want you to be happy,” Remus says. His words are not only soft and kind, but also spoken as a matter of course.
Sirius forces himself to look ahead and focus on his driving. His cheeks are warm from Remus’ words. What can he even respond to that?
They drive the rest of the way in silence. Sirius wants to say something. Anything. Remus is too kind to him, and Sirius has no idea how to return the gesture. Eventually they reach their destination, and Sirius parks the car next to the big metal gate. The weather is nice and clear with a blue sky above. It is still cold though. As Sirius steps out of the car, he can feel the gentle breeze toying with his damp hair. Hopefully, this will not make him sick. The trees are still barren, but soon, spring will arrive and turn the graveyard into a beautiful, colourful landscape of trees and wildflowers. Maybe the next time Sirius visits, the trees will start to bloom.
“Where are we?” Remus asks and looks around confused. Sirius realises how Remus has not asked once during their drive where they are going. He really puts a lot of trust on Sirius.
“The cemetery,” Sirius replies satisfied. He does not know if it is a good choice to take Remus here, but Sirius could not think of anywhere else. “If that’s okay? It is really nice and quiet. I come here sometimes and I rarely see anyone,” Sirius says. His mind is already spinning out of control and thinking of different places he should take Remus instead. This was a stupid idea.
As if Remus has read his mind he says, “It’s nice. Let’s go for a walk.” And heads up the small cobblestoned path to where the ole, rusty gate is open.
Sirius is convinced Remus can read his mind. He wonders if Remus can read all the other thoughts Sirius has had over the past few days.
Sirius follows Remus, and catches up to Remus after passing the gate. The place really is quiet except a bird chipping above and the gentle breeze making the trees whistle. It is nice, Sirius thinks. It is not at all scary and dark like cemeteries are sometimes portrayed. It is peaceful.
Remus stands still and takes it all in. He does not look displeased but instead content. Sirius takes his quietness as an opportunity to lead him around the place. The place that Sirius knows all too well.
“You said you come here sometimes?” Remus says, but asks it like a question. Sirius understands what he really means. Do you come here for quiet walks or to grief? A bit of both, Sirius supposes is the correct answer.
“My brother, Regulus, died years ago. He is buried here,” Sirius says. He does feel sad about it, but grief is an odd size. Sometimes he will go weeks, even months, without thinking a lot about Regulus. Then, in brief periods, Sirius will think about him daily. Wonder what he would be up to if he was still alive. Would he also have left Grimmauld place or would he function as a pawn for their dad’s agenda? Or would Regulus also have turned his back to his parents? Would Sirius have cooked for him and would he have liked it?
Sirius will never know. And although it took a long time, Sirius has made his peace with that.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Remus says next to him as they walk, “Were you close?”
Sirius lets out a sigh. He considers lying to Remus. It would be easier. But Remus has been nothing but kind, and not judgemental at all of Sirius’ thoughts and opinions.
“No, not really,” He says truthfully. Sirius loved Regulus. He still does. But they were never really close. Not as close as they could have been, or as close as Sirius would have liked.
“I mean, we lived together. He was my baby brother. But we just never saw eye to eye, you know. He was very different from me,” Sirius says softly.
It is painful to admit, but important to say regardless. They never were close and could never agree on anything. Sirius still cared for him. Where Regulus had been the obedient and good child, always doing as told, Sirius had been the complete opposite. Always lashing out, never listening to his parents and somehow always messing up. Even when Sirius had tried he just never did it right like Regulus. Sirius knows deep down that his parents probably wish that Sirius was the one who got sick and died instead of Regulus.
“Must have been tough regardless,” Remus tells him.
“Yeah, it was,” Sirius agrees. He stops dead in his tracks and realises his legs had automatically taken him to Regulus’ grave. Sirius has not paid attention to his steps, but somehow his legs still found their way to his grave. An old habit.
“But you learn to live with it, I guess,” Sirius shrugs like it does not matter.
But it does matter.
Sirius has just accepted it at this point.
“Yeah. I know,” Remus says beside him, “It’s just hard sometimes. Even after so much time has passed. You still have hard days,” Remus continues and Sirius looks up at him. His gaze is pointedly focused on the tombstone in front of him, a small wrinkle forming between his eyes from how hard Remus is thinking. Sirius wishes he could read Remus’ mind, like he can apparently read his.
Sirius nods in agreement. “I guess you can only take one day at the time. Until the days begin just passing by,” Sirius says which is really what worked for him. It was hard in the beginning for sure, but at some point he got better. Even just a little bit, day by day, until he was much better and had not even noticed.
“I know you are right. But sometimes there are still bad days... Even after so much time,” Remus says, still not looking at Sirius. Sirius knows they are no longer talking about Regulus. They are talking about someone else. Someone Remus is mourning. He wonders who Remus has lost, that has him struggling like this. Sirius does not ask.
Sirius stays quiet. He is not sure what he can say anyway. It does not seem like anything he can say will help Remus or make him feel better. Really, that is the thing with grief, Sirius thinks. People would tell him to get over his brother all the time, or offer condolences and say things like ‘ well at least he got peace now’ . Even though Sirius knew it to be true. Regulus was no longer sick.
It is just not that straight forward.
It is not that easy.