Espresso
The house is once again quiet when Sirius lets himself in. He is used to it by now although it has only been 3 days. It is a quiet and dark house. Paper, notes and books scattered everywhere on every surface. At this point the house sparks a homey and warm feeling in him.
Sirius doesn’t even bother lingering in the living room or dining area, everything looks exactly like yesterday. So instead, he maneuvers straight for the kitchen with the crate of groceries for the day.
As Sirius enters the kitchen, he is completely caught by surprise. He almost drops the wooden crate in shock.
The kitchen is the same as always. Except for one detail.
In the middle of the kitchen island is a glistening, new box. It is not hard to make out what is inside it, considering the box has a giant picture of a shiny espresso machine printed on the outside.
Sirius carefully puts the crate down next to it. Not once does he take his eyes of the new box. He wonders if it is a joke. Maybe it is an old box with something else inside? Maybe someone left it here to play a prank on him?
Gently, as if the box will break, Sirius tilts the box to study the front of it better. It is very heavy, and with some fancy Italian brand name written all over. The design of the machine is very nice. It looks sleek and modern, and almost like a piece of art from the picture. The design, logo, box and everything screams elite and wealth, and Sirius feels like this is something his parents would have if it wasn’t because they came from old money with a traditional mindset. Sirius cannot even begin to imagine what Remus paid for this.
His fingers fiddle with the top, and he really has to contain himself in order to not rip the box open. Sirius has to remind himself that this box, this espresso machine, is not his. It is not his package, and he does not have the right to open it and pretend it’s his.
So, he leaves the box on the kitchen island and instead turns to the kitchen to cook breakfast.
No matter how much he tries to focus on cooking, his eyes keep diverting to the box.
He really had to force himself to focus and not run upstairs, find Remus and question him about it. It is also the first thing Sirius says when Remus walks through the door. Not even a good morning.
“What is this?” Sirius says, although he already knows the answer to this. It is very clear from the box what is inside. His words also come out a lot more critical than he meant to.
“It is just a coffee machine,” Remus says casually, like this is not that big a deal. Sirius completely disagrees with this, it is a big deal.
“No, Remus,” Sirius says firmly and points to the box accusingly, “This is not just a coffee machine. This is- It is-” He continues, but he is not sure what to say. Is it a gift? A piece of art? A very expensive gesture to do to someone you barely know?
“Why?” Sirius finally says instead, when words aren’t working for him. “Why did you get this?” Sirius crosses his arms in front of him. Why is he so upset with Remus for doing this? It is such a nice gesture, but it feels too much. Sirius never asked for this, and Remus just did it. He doesn’t even drink coffee anymore, and yet he bought a machine because he knows that Sirius drinks coffee. And the machine looks so expensive.
“Because I wanted to,” Remus says and shrugs, “The other one was broken. I wanted a new one. It is not that deep, Sirius” He says and looks away. He acts like it is not that big a deal, like Sirius is being the unreasonable one, despite Remus being the one to buy the expensive thing.
It is not that deep, Sirius.
The words echo in his head, as he turns away from Remus desperate to do something in the kitchen. Anything to keep himself busy. Sirius knows he is being childish for acting like this. Remus did a nice gesture for him. He bought him a coffee machine because the old machine did not work. He is trying to be nice. But this is beyond nice. It is such an expensive piece of equipment. What if Sirius breaks it? This machine is probably worth as much as Sirius’ monthly paycheck.
Sirius is also not a charity case. He does not need Remus’ pity or sympathy. He doesn’t need Remus to get him nice things. He is his own person and doesn’t need someone to buy him nice things or take care of him.
"Sirius,” Remus says gently, like he can actually read his mind. His voice is so careful and kind, asking Sirius to look at him. And Sirius does look at him. “The old one broke. A new one is an improvement, right?” He says, a soft but hesitant smile on his lips. It is very clear that Remus did not expect this reaction from him. Sirius is being unfair. He knows it.
Sirius nods briefly. He can’t stay upset with Remus.
“Yeah.. Yeah, you’re right," he says. It is not exactly the apology that Remus deserves, but it is what Sirius can offer him right now. Sirius has a right to his feelings.
“So, should we take a look at it?” Remus suggests and nods towards the box, indicating that Sirius should open it while Remus eats his breakfast.
Sirius grabs the box and pulls it towards himself. He got the go ahead from Remus.
He carefully pulls the flap open and lifts the lid. There is not much to see inside the box except cardboard and a piece of paper on top reading ‘congratulations on your new machine’ and then a brief statement on the warranty. He pulls the cardboard piece out, and then lifts the machine out, almost dropping it to the ground. It is so heavy and big. However, before Sirius can actually drop the machine and ruin this thing that Remus paid a fortune for, Remus is there to help him.
He gently, but quickly, wraps his hands around the machine and pushes the cardboard box off, making sure that Sirius isn’t carrying the entire weight himself. Together they place it back on the kitchen island only with a thin piece of matte plastic around it. The box is on the ground long forgotten. The only thing Sirius’ mind seems to think about, is how Remus’ warm hands gently touched his own. His fingers long and slender, perfect for playing the old grand piano in the living room, and Sirius’ own hands a bit more rough and calloused from years in the kitchen preparing and cooking. Remus probably didn’t mean anything by it. He was only helping, so Sirius wouldn’t drop the big machine, but it was enough to make Sirius’ stomach do a flip.
Remus sits down again like nothing has happened, and Sirius wants to smash his head against the marbled tabletop separating him from Remus. Why is he feeling this way?
Without further he rips the matte plastic off. The shiny espresso machine is staring back at him. It is silver and so glossy that Sirius can see his own reflection in it like a mirror. There is even a milk steamer on the side. His eyes scan over the machine, and in the polished surface he can also see Remus' reflection.
Remus is eating his food but also intently watching Sirius. Sirius doesn’t let himself think too much about it. Remus keeps an eye on him. That is not odd. It is his house after all, and Sirius is just working here.
“You should plug it in. I think there are some coffee beans in a cupboard somewhere,” Remus says behind him. From the reflection in the machine, Sirius sees him not even looking at the espresso machine, but instead at Sirius.
“Yeah, I will,” Sirius mumbles and looks up from the machine. He turns his head to look at Remus, but now Remus is intently watching his breakfast and finishing up.
When Remus is done, he leaves without a word and Sirius finally turns the machine on. He follows all the preparation steps, which the user manual tells him to complete before he can enjoy a cup of coffee. While Sirius has been cooking for a long time, using an espresso machine is a new skill to him. He watches a few YouTube videos on how to steam milk and prepare coffee. He does not want to mess up a cup of coffee from a machine so fancy.
And then, after grinding old coffee beans, pouring the espresso and steaming the milk to near perfection, Sirius enjoys the best cup of coffee he has had in a while. He feels so peaceful drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette in Remus' garden that he forgets he has to cook him lunch.
He bolts back inside and cooks up a quick tuna salad for Remus’ lunch. Which he brings upstairs to Remus’ study. He considers briefly making him a cup of coffee to go with the salad, but decides against it eventually. Remus did say he no longer drank coffee.
Sirius knocks on the study gently. He can hear faint music from inside, so he must be working again. Remus is always holed up in here, so where else would he be. After a brief second he opens the door and peaks inside. Remus is concentrated on his keyboard by the window. It is the same music that Sirius heard yesterday in the garden, but it is slightly different now. It has changed now, but Sirius can not tell how. Maybe it sounds a bit more coherent? Complete? Orderly?
At this moment, Sirius really wishes he had a better understanding of music.
He gently puts the plate down next to Remus, and immediately he looks up from the keyboard.
“Thank you. I forgot all about lunch..” He says and looks back down at the music sheets where he scribbles with an old pen.
“Ah, no worries,” Sirius says gently. He inhales sharply. He thought about this when he sat outside. He really treated Remus unfairly, when he did something so nice for Sirius. Sirius didn’t even thank him for buying the espresso machine. Remus really deserves a proper apology.
“I-uh. I wanted to say I am sorry. For this morning. It is very nice of you to get that espresso machine,” Sirius explains. He should really say more or at least explain his feelings, but Sirius was raised in a proud household. Admitting fault and apologising has never come easy to him.
“Oh, you’re welcome” Remus says gently. “And no worries,” He says, parroting what Sirius said a minute earlier with a smile.
Sirius’ feels a lot lighter now. Remus is joking with him, which means he does not hold a grudge against him. Sirius sends him a smile and backs away from him. Remus is busy and he might as well leave him to it.
He is almost out the door when he turns around in the doorway. Remus is hunched over his papers, which is no doubt an unhealthy position for his back, while he is writing intently. He is clearly in his own little bubble, barely registering the world around him. Sirius does not want to disturb him, but he can feel an aching in his chest. He needs to explain.
“I’m just not... I am not a charity case,” Sirius says finally. Putting his feelings into words - somewhat at least.
Remus looks up at him and turns around in his chair. He does not look angry although Sirius disturbed his workflow. He takes a second to consider before he speaks.
“I don’t see you as one,” Remus says very simply. He says it as a matter-of-factly, like he didn’t just calm the storm swirling inside Sirius’ mind.
“Good,” Sirius responds and nods. He could explain more. Tell Remus where this all comes from, but there is no need to do that. He made his point, and Remus has accepted it.
Sirius once again finds himself in the garden with his second cigarette and second coffee of the day. With this quality of coffee, Sirius will never get work done in this house. He closes his eyes and tilts his head back, soaking in the late winter sun. It is cold, but the sun still warms his bones and makes the skin on his face tickle. He can not hear Remus’ music like yesterday, which is a shame. Despite listening to the same tune over and over, it was still a pleasant melody. Maybe he should actually listen to some of the finished music Remus has made. Maybe it will give him a window into Remus and his life? Sirius is curious about him.
He pulls his phone out of his pocket. What name does Remus’ go by anyway? Sirius doesn’t even know that. Would it just be ‘Remus’ or ‘Remus Lupin’ or maybe something super artistic and unique? He opens Spotify and types in ‘Remus Lupin’ in the search bar. His profile comes up immediately. Though Sirius can’t see Remus’ face in the picture on his profile, it is for sure him. Remus is standing in some kind of lush, green forest, his back is to the camera, but the hair is unmistaken. He is wearing a simple black shirt and standing with a guitar in his hands. Sirius can not recall seeing Remus with a guitar in the study. He only heard him play the keyboard.
Sirius is about to press play on the first song when he hears the door to the kitchen open and close. He turns his head around and immediately puts his phone back in his pocket.
Remus steps outside.
“Hey,” he greets Sirius, “Is the coffee any good?” He says and nods towards the cup resting on the table next to Sirius.
“Oh, it’s nice,” Sirius says but cringes at his own answer. “It’s actually amazing,” He confesses and Remus lets out a laugh.
He sits down in the chair next to Sirius and stretches his long legs out in front of him. Sirius pulls his cigarettes out and holds the pack up to Remus, silently offering him one. Remus gazes at the package, he is quiet for a second, before he shakes his head.
“No, thank you. I don’t smoke anymore. Another bad habit I am trying to break…” Remus says thoughtfully. He looks back out at the grey garden in front of them.
“Oh,” Sirius says quietly. He didn’t know this about Remus. He feels bad for smoking right in front of him, when Remus is actively trying to break a bad habit.
“It’s fine really,” Remus says and gestures to Sirius’ hand with the cigarette. He can apparently read Sirius’ mind, and knows what he was thinking.
They sit like that in silence for some time. Sirius smoking and drinking his coffee, and Remus with his hands buried deep in his pockets – both staring straight into the cold garden.
It is nice, Sirius thinks. The quiet doesn’t feel frustrating or awkward, and Sirius does not have an itch to break it. They are just sitting next to each other in the cold sunlight and Sirius feels contempt.
“I was thinking-” Remus says in the end. Still not looking at Sirius, “-that I wanted to do something with the garden. It is rather empty, and I think I would like to see it flourish”
Sirius just nods. He agrees. The garden is rather empty and sad. The cold winter weather has probably not done it any favours either. It might look nicer in spring and summer - if Remus decides to actually take care of it that is.
“I don’t really know anything about gardening…” Remus continues.
“Can’t you just hire someone?” Sirius suggests. It is perhaps a bit naïve of him to say, but considering how rich Remus presumably is – hiring a cleaner, cook, living in a giant townhouse and buying a fancy espresso machine with overnight delivery – Sirius can’t imagine money is the hindrance for Remus to make his garden look nice.
“I could, I guess. But I am not sure what I want…” Remus says thoughtfully.
“Well, I see lots of opportunities here. There are clearly traces of an old herb garden. You can restore that,” Sirius says and points to where he looked yesterday, “Maybe add a few carrots or potatoes or whatever. I can use that for cooking as well.”
Sirius realises he is once again talking about food. It seems like all his suggestions and thoughts always lead back to that. He lets out an audible sigh. Why would Remus think this is a good idea? He was probably thinking more about some flowers or something that will look nice in photos. Not carrots and potatoes.
But Remus once again surprises him.
“That sounds lovely,” He says and Sirius just stares at him dumbfounded.
“Will you do it?” Remus asks and looks back at Sirius. If Remus can tell Sirius is confused and overwhelmed he is not letting on.
“What do you mean?” Sirius asks with warm cheeks.
“Will you plant the garden for me?” Remus utters and looks at him. He is sitting so close to him all of the sudden. Sirius could just reach out and touch him so easily. The fresh breeze is gently tugging at his sandy hair and his eyes are searching over Sirius’ face. Sirius feels exposed all of the sudden. Remus’ eyes advert to his lips, and Sirius swallows hard.
This is too much.
Remus is seeing right through him.
He can’t hold his gaze any longer and has to look away from Remus.
“I will pay you for the work of course,” Remus says quickly, stumbling over the words. He sounds just as flustered as Sirius feels.
“And you don’t have to do it. If you don’t want to,” Remus continues, backtracking on the offer he just made to Sirius.
“No,” Sirius says quickly, “I can do it. I want to do it”
“Okay,” Remus says, looking straight ahead.
“Okay,” Sirius confirms and does the same.
Now it is suddenly very awkward. The silence between them is not nearly as nice as it was earlier. Sirius can not stand it.
“So, do I get full creative control… or is there something specific you would like to have out here?” Sirius asks him, just to say something. He could also plant flowers for Remus, something Marlene and him can use for a photoshoot. That’s what celebrities do, right? Take pictures with flowers and nature and stuff.
Remus exhales, “you can do whatever you want, Sirius”
And then Remus gets up and heads back inside, without sending Sirius so much as a second glare. Sirius doesn’t go after him. He hears the door shut, and the garden goes quiet once again. This time Sirius is alone with the silence.