Silk Print
When Regulus wakes up to hundreds of messages, new followers, and missed calls, he realises something is up.
Fix these eyes
Maybe it’s time, but
Where is the good in goodbye?
The lyrics from his newly recorded song play on repeat in his head as he showers and finds a reason to start the day. When he emerges from the bathroom, he finds Evan and Barty huddled together, whispering furiously.
“What’s happening?” He asks quietly, still startling both boys. As the silence stretches, Regulus finds it in himself to make some tea. At least, until the silence lasts a bit too long. “Well?”
“Have you checked your phone this morning?” Evan asks slowly.
He thinks back to all the notifications he had on his phone when he woke up. He knows something’s happening, however, he doesn’t know if it’s anything to be bothered with this early in the morning. “No—“ He starts. He doesn’t get very far, thanks to Barty.
“You definitely should mate, it’s fucking brilliant what we’ve done!” Barty screeches excitedly, only grinning wider when Evan shakes his head and whacks him on the arm. “I don’t know, I’m not sure you’ll like it honestly.”
Well, now Regulus just has to know, doesn’t he? He should’ve finished his tea before he asked.
“Whatever”
It, shockingly, is not whatever. The realisation sinks in slowly, as he goes through his messages. His mum has somehow reached his new number and has certainly outdone herself with nothing short of her usual colourful insults. Surprisingly, that’s not what’s bothering him. No, he simply deletes her messages and moves on, completely unfazed at this point.
No, the problem is Sirius. Lovely, amazing Sirius who still sits on a pedestal in Regulus’ mind. Sirius is the problem, what with his texting and calling.
Where is the fair in farewell?
I’m stuck here in my own special hell
Or well, it’s not a problem, per se, it’s the mere fact that they have not properly spoken in almost a year. Regulus will tell you that he doesn’t mind it, in fact, he prefers it. He would tell himself the same, but he’s found it’s no use trying to convince himself of it. Rather useless, really.
Well, that being said, Regulus will indulge himself in a bit of hope.
He picks up the phone the next time it rings.
———
“I can’t believe it.” Sirius squawks once again, eyes blown wide and mouth hanging open. He’s all but clinging onto Remus’ hand and his chair, trying to come to terms with the thought of Regulus growing up.
“That’s my brother. That’s my Reggie. When did he grow up?” He voices his thoughts, awe-struck and anxious. He’s watching Regulus’ clip for the millionth time, trying to connect the person on screen with the person in his childhood memories.
Remus laughs a bit, he notes, but apart from that he can’t focus on anything else. He can’t think past the fact that he called him. That he answered. That he’s meeting him properly for the first time in a year.
“Do you reckon he’ll still want to be my brother? Maybe he’s only coming for the label.” Sirius anxiously begins tugging on his fingers, occasionally cracking his knuckles. Remus tolerates it for a bit, indulging Sirius in his nervous habits, before softly dragging his hands apart.
“You’ll figure it out, yeah? I’ll be here the entire time, love. If it helps, I believe he wouldn’t have let you call at all if he didn’t plan on trying to reconcile. You two aren’t made for being apart, I think.”
It does, surprisingly, help a bit. That might be because Sirius trusts Remus’ opinion more than anything else, but it also might be because he knows his brother. Or, well, he used to, at least.
I’m not accustomed to this absence
Asleep in the sadness
I know that’s what you think
It’s merely ten minutes before Regulus is supposed to arrive that Sirius finds himself in a proper panic.
Remus lets Sirius sit on his lap to calm down. He dims the lights and covers his ears, grounding him properly before letting him go with a saccharine kiss.
Sirius is fine again when Regulus knocks on the door.
———
Sirius looks nervous when Regulus enters his studio.
He’s clinging to Lupin with one hand, and twisting his hair with the other. He looks pretty, Regulus can allow himself to think. He’s let his hair grow long, and he’s finally grown properly into his style. It suits him. He looks happier than Regulus has ever seen before.
Regulus also feels happier than ever before.
“Hello Regulus, it’s nice to see you again. Do make yourself comfortable.” Remus greets warmly, simultaneously placing a steady hand on Sirius’ shoulder. He hears them whisper a bit while he takes off his jacket.
Just wanna say a few things and then I’ll go away
Or I could stay
When he turns back around, Sirius looks a bit calmer. He’s still hanging on to Remus’ hand as if it’s his lifeline, but at least he seems to be able to say something now.
“I’ve missed you.” Is the first thing Sirius says. It’s earnest and vulnerable, and it hangs heavy between them for a while.
Regulus is helpless when his lips tug up into a small smile. It’s his big brother. He should be excused.
“I’ve missed you too, Siri.”
It seems the nickname breaks the ice between them. It’s not long until they’re back to normal, laughing and insulting each other as if they never stopped.
“You still have that awful French accent. How have you still not grown out of that?” Sirius complains, exasperated. “You’d be surprised by how many people like it.” He teases lightly.
“James would surely go mental, he has this thing for accents.” Sirius comments, laughing with Remus about something Regulus wasn’t around for. He doesn’t mind, he’s the one who chose to move out of the Potters' house and into his own flat. He really can’t complain at this point.
“Speaking of, how is James? And Lily, I suppose.”
Remus and Sirius share eye contact, and Regulus can already tell something is wrong.
“Well..” Remus begins halfheartedly.
“They called off the engagement last year, after— well, it’s a rather long story, and we’d have to start at the beginning,” Sirius mutters, tugging at his hair, clearly upset.
“Go ahead, I have all day, actually,” Regulus replies encouragingly. He’s rather invested in the story already, and that has nothing to do with James. No, he’s over James and has been for years. It’s simply to do with wanting to know what his brother has been up to, really.
———
It feels weird, catching up with Regulus. Acknowledging that he wasn’t a proper part of Sirius’ life. In a way, he was always there, in his head.
To Sirius, it feels like Regulus never really left, because he always carries parts of him everywhere he goes. It’s a habit he can’t shake. He doesn’t want to leave his little brother behind in any way, even though he already almost has.
Why did nobody warn him about how difficult it is to be a big brother?
I’m the same
It’s you who’s changed
But I’d still take you as you are anyway
“Well, it started back in September, I think.” He begins, holding onto Remus for a bit of support. “We’ve been doing this for a while, so we’d made a bit of money by then. Peter— you know Peter. The money was too much of a temptation for him so, well.. he stole it.” When he’s done, Regulus looks sceptical.
“He stole from the company? I mean that’s terrible, but what does that have to do with James and Lily’s engagement?” Sirius blinks and looks over at Remus, hoping he might continue the talking.
“On the 31st of October, when we got the police involved, Peter blamed Sirius. He had somehow come up with this great explanation and planted evidence leading the attention away from him. Sirius was put in jail for twelve weeks before they realised they had the wrong guy.” Regulus is gaping by the time Remus is done. In every other situation, Sirius would find this hilarious.
“Twelve weeks? Why didn’t you get him out?”Thankfully, Regulus turns his attention over to Remus, Sirius doesn’t know if he could have answered right now.
Remus doesn’t talk right away. Sirius understands. It was hard on him as well.
“I believed Peter,” Remus admits eventually. Sirius tightens his grip on Remus’ hand and doesn’t look at any of them. “I— uh, well, I moved on. I mean, as best as you can.”
It’s quiet for a while after that. Remus doesn’t look at Regulus again, but he keeps his eyes trained on Sirius for a while. “Can we talk about something else now?” Sirius hears himself ask after a few tense seconds.
“Yeah. Of course.” Regulus replies hurriedly.
———
“You’re not doing anything tonight, right?” Sirius asks quietly after Regulus has left. “No, love, I’ll be at home with you all night. We don’t have to work tomorrow either, so I’m all yours.” Sirius holds Remus’ hand a bit tighter, just for that.
They’ve not fully recovered after the incident with Peter. Sometimes Sirius still thinks of himself as a monster, the lingering feelings from his fifth year mixing with the new ones. He knows he isn’t. Remus convinced him of it just the day after the truth came out. But, well, sometimes it’s all he can think about. Other times Sirius thinks about Grant, who isn’t a monster at all. Sirius has cried himself to sleep far too many times, hoping Remus doesn’t realise how much of a better person Grant is.
He hasn’t yet, and he tells him often that he never will either. He always reassures him that Sirius is the only one he has ever wanted. To Remus, Grant was just a distraction. Sirius doesn’t always believe him, but he’s working on that. Remus usually holds his hand through it all, and sometimes he even fucks the anxiety right out of him. He will admit, that helps more than almost anything else.
«Sirius?» Remus’ sweet tone breaks through to him. Stops him from spiralling further. «Yes?» There’s a clear pause and Sirius can only sit and stare, waiting patiently for whatever Remus wants to give him. He’ll take anything, he thinks. «Let me take you home, yeah? I’ll take us home and make us dinner, and you can sit on the counter and watch. Or, you could lie down on the sofa and put on one of your shows. Tonight, you can do whatever you want, is that alright love?»
Sirius feels warm inside when Remus calls him love. There’s something so odd about it. Something so entirely precious that Sirius doesn’t know what to do with himself. When he nods in confirmation, Remus carries him out to his car. It’s all Sirius can do to stay awake and alert.
I know you felt it too
Please just say it whilst you still do
When the car pulls up to Remus’ flat, the one they used to share, Sirius feels his heart twist a bit. To him, this will always be home. It’s only a recent development for Remus to call it Sirius’ home as well. The feeling leaves him unable to fill his lungs properly, doubling in intensity with every passing thought. When Remus leans over to kiss him quietly, before opening the car door, it all becomes far too much to handle. He feels his consciousness float away from him, and he falls into a trance where he can’t make out anything but Remus’ hands on him as he’s carried out of the car.
———
Remus has never felt anything like what he feels for Sirius. It’s like any normal feeling doubles in intensity and rips at his heart whenever Sirius is around. He feels his heart swell and his hands shake, but still he doesn’t feel like he deserves any of the love he carries around. It’s a bit of an evil circle, he thinks to himself. They’re both so thoroughly hurt by themselves that all they can do is grasp at each other and hope they don’t fall apart. Remus doesn't know what would be left of himself if they fell apart. He thinks Sirius might hold onto it so tightly he’d rip everything away as he left. Remus hopes he’ll cradle all the pieces he would’ve stolen.
Sirius doesn’t seem to wake up when Remus places him delicately on the sofa in their flat. He understands, so he only kisses his forehead and tucks him into his favourite blanket before leaving to make some of Sirius’ comfort food.
And I tried, I tried
To keep from this falling but
He thinks he’d spoil Sirius until the world shattered if he could.
When Remus is done making dinner, he brings two plates over to where Sirius is still lying. For a minute, he just stands there, staring hopelessly. Sirius looks like an angel, sprawled out on their sofa. His unruly hair and smudged mascara make him look divine. Edible. Delectable, even. Remus has never seen such glorious imperfection on anyone but Sirius, and it’s his alone to worship.
Remus suspects he was brought into this world simply to adore everything that is Sirius Orion Black.
He’s quite content with that, to be honest.
———
When Sirius finally comes to, he opens his eyes to find a plate of his favourite food sitting on the table in front of him. When he looks around a bit more, he realises Remus is sitting next to him, gently playing with a bit of his hair.
For the first time in a while, Sirius feels entirely at home.
It’s sweet, he thinks, how much memories can come to mean. How much one can value experiences. Sirius is even grateful for arguments they may have had, simply because he got to share it with Remus.
There’s no hope
I still find myself lost
«You should eat, my love. Let’s have an early night, yeah?» Remus whispers. The moment feels too perfect, and yet Sirius isn’t scared now. He doesn’t think he could break what they’ve made. Right now, Sirius doesn’t think of himself as a monster. At this moment, tangled up in all the love, pain and memories they’ve come to associate with each other, Sirius feels okay.
«Do you think we could dance like mum and dad? In the kitchen?» Sirius murmurs, hope lacing his voice. As Remus carefully pulls him to his feet, he feels some of his heart stitch itself back together.
They dance until the food goes cold, making sure the memory is tucked tenderly away, nestled nicely between everything else that is them.
You’ll probably be the last one to phase me