Opiate
The next time Regulus comes over to the studio, he opens the door to find James sitting in the middle of the room.
«Regulus!» James blurts, getting up from his chair to greet him. He looks mature. Reliable in a new way, Regulus thinks to himself before swiftly stopping that train of thought from travelling any further.
Oh, this perfume must be something sacred
To linger after you, like it do
«James,» Regulus says, startled. «It’s nice to see you again. How are you?» He adds quickly, not willing to ruin his first impression. It’s ironic, isn’t it? Here he is, four years after what happened between them, worried about what the person who knew him best might know of him now.
Regulus feels a bit pathetic.
«Hi. I— It’s great to see you as well. Really. And I’m quite alright, thanks.» James mutters with a smile, some wondrous emotion in his eyes. He looks at Regulus like he always has, and isn’t that just something? «How are you?» He adds hastily, rubbing at his neck like he always does when he’s nervous. It’s like every little thing Regulus has shoved to the back of his mind to forget comes back at once. It’s like a flash flood attempting to drown away any upsetting thoughts of James he might’ve acquired throughout the years.
«I’m alright, thank you.» He doesn’t look at James anymore then, simply opting to escape their conversation. «I’ve another new song for you, Sirius,» He begins slowly, gathering his mind back where he wants it. «Do you reckon I could record some of it now?»
Sirius’ eyes sparkle with recognition, and he nods animatedly. «Studio’s all yours. Say, do you mind James taking some pictures while you sing? It’ll be good for the publicity and media and all. You don’t mind, right?» Sirius only looks at Remus for reassurance when he rambles, bless him.
Regulus might have to thank Remus personally for everything he’s done when he wasn’t able to. He thinks he’ll forever be grateful for the people who became Sirius’ authentic family.
«No, I don’t mind,» He starts, before turning to James with a practised, pretty smile. «Go ahead, Jamie.»
Nobody mentions the nickname, or his slight change in tone.
———
When Regulus sings, James is transported back to their college days. Suddenly, he’s standing in their kitchen, making dinner with Regulus. He supposes he does miss the days when they all laughed together in the kitchen, singing at the top of their lungs to some of his dad's old jazz records.
This scent’s been buried where I rest my head
I tend to forget but it still feels like you
Sometimes, when James is taking pictures, he forgets to pay attention to what he’s doing. It’s like he goes on autopilot, and only after he’s finished he gets to look at the result.
He doesn’t once drift away while photographing Regulus, too enraptured by the smooth slide of his voice and the electrifying move of his hips.
By the time they’re done, he’s breathless from all he’s done to capture every possible angle of Regulus. He thinks this might be his favourite shoot so far, and he’s not yet done looking through their pictures.
———
«Well, that was good, don’t you think?» Remus asks, while gently settling Sirius comfortably in the passenger seat of their car. «You did great,» He continues, urging Sirius to reply. «Mmm, yeah.» He mutters absentmindedly, tugging at Remus’ hands a bit.
It gets the message across, probably because Remus just gets him like that.
When their lips meet, Sirius thinks he might pass out from the tenderness shared between them. Deft hands make their way into Sirius’ hair, and he wonders if he’s been reincarnated as God's favourite angel. Surely he can’t be deserving of such care bestowed upon him. Surely Remus must be mistaking him for somebody else.
I must be losing my mind
I thought I left you behind
«I love you, Sirius.» There’s no time to catch his breath before Remus kisses him again with blazing passion, pouring his love all over Sirius. «Oh, you’re so lovely.»
The silky-smooth words make his heart jump and his skin tingle. Stubborn self-loathing slips easily through his fingers, he doesn’t want to hold on anymore. Surely if Remus thinks him lovely there must be at least an ounce of something pleasing inside him. Surely Remus wouldn’t cradle him like he was valuable unless he was something worth cherishing.
It’s at this moment, kissing carefully in Remus’ car, that Sirius realises he might have a chance of going back to his normal self again. After all, if he has any chance of being fixed, it will always be because of Remus.
«Do you think we can talk about— everything? Tonight?» Remus gracefully doesn’t mention how his voice wavers. Doesn’t even blink when he stutters over some of his letters, mixing them up with his contrasting thoughts. «Of course, love, anything you want.» Remus’ gentle voice pieces something in his heart back together.
«I love you, Rem,» he murmurs sweetly, and they don’t talk for the entirety of the ride home. They don’t need to. Silence has never been a problem between them.
Remus carries Sirius up to their flat, murmuring silky endearments into his skin as they walk.
Delicate silence flows between them again, but it doesn’t occur to Sirius that he should mind. He merely sits down and waits for Remus to organise his thoughts, already acquainted with the chaotic state his mind may be in.
«Would you like for me to talk about it, or do you prefer asking questions?» Remus prompts eventually, slowly closing the space between them.
By the time Sirius makes up his mind, they’re quite tangled in one another, limbs moving easily. It’s muscle memory at this point, how to slot them together perfectly. How to assemble each other in a way that fits. «I think I’d like you to talk and I’ll just ask questions if I find it necessary.» The adoration between them is tangible for a few moments before Remus quietly sits up a bit. He’s not moving away, just finding his space to breathe.
«Well, I’m not sure I remember everything properly, but I’ll try,» He begins gently, and takes a shaky breath before continuing slowly. «Right after you left I was inconsolable, I’d say. I didn’t properly go out for almost two weeks. I mean, of course, I was out to get groceries and such, but nothing more than that.»
Sirius thinks back to his own first two weeks away. Remembers how he screamed his throat raw and clawed at his chest trying to tear his heart out. In his mind, that hurt less than knowing he had hurt the people he loved. Or, he hadn’t hurt them, but they thought he did, and that was gut-wrenching enough.
He still remembers when the sinking feeling of misery would set in. It’s freezing cold dripping down his spine and wrapping tight around his gut. He thinks of how it hurt just to be, how he’d tremble and beg everything and everyone to just let him rot.
Sometimes the feeling would settle in his chest and claw deep at his being. Sometimes he’d sit around and imagine a life where he was anyone but himself, a world entirely rid of him.
He’d sit around for hours and claw at his mind, only falling further and further down the spiralling depths of his own terrifying soul.
He doesn’t want to remember the feeling anymore.
Helpfully, Remus decides it is a good moment to continue. «After the first initial shock was over, I guess I kind of just rushed past it. I didn’t want to think about it at all, so I told myself it would be best to just move on as quickly as possible. Of course, now I know that was ridiculous, but, well, what can you do?» Remus softens at the edges when Sirius leans closer, curling himself in his lap, his movements almost jagged.
Sleep much longer than I did before
Though I wanted our dreams evermore
«Did you ever doubt that I actually did it?» Sirius finds it in himself to ask, knowing well the answer might hurt him even more. He wants to know nonetheless. He hoped Remus would have faith in him, that he’d just know somehow.
———
The question catches him off-guard, and Remus knows he stumbles over his words when he replies. «Yes, I know how hard you try to be— good. I’ve grown up with you, and I know better than anyone how you always try to act on the light inside you. I know that, but..,»
He sees the hurt momentarily flash across Sirius’ eyes.
«I thought— well, maybe that you missed the money. You had it all when you grew up, maybe you wanted it back?» Remus winces as he says it, knowing how horrible it sounds. «Now that I say it out loud I realise how wrong it was to think that. I know you. I know you’d never do anything like that.»
When he looks back up at Sirius, tears are forming in his eyes. Remus can only kiss his hands and caress his cheek, hoping Sirius finds reason enough to forgive him.
To his comfort, Sirius kisses him with the utmost care, infatuation tingling between them. «Tell me about Grant.» Sirius breathes lowly, long after they initially pull away from each other.
«Are you sure, love? Because I don’t think you’ll like it.» Remus ventures, carefully. Sirius is fragile when it comes to this, he knows, but he thinks he deserves to know everything regardless. He’ll be here to take care of him if something goes wrong. He always is; it’s his Sirius.
«I need to know.» Is all he says, before draping himself over Remus’ lap once again.
Remus has to steady himself a bit. He knows this is going to be a difficult conversation for Sirius, and he has tried endlessly to prepare himself for it. It’s just, well, when he’s put on the spot like this, it seems his mind turns into mush and he can’t remember the words he wants to know.
«Well, I met him in a bar when I was out with James and Lily, and we talked. I didn’t go home with him, or take his number, but we talked for the night. It was purely a coincidence that I met him again another night, honestly. That time around we exchanged numbers, and I guess that’s where it started.»
Sirius doesn’t interrupt, or ask anything, so Remus continues hastily. «We went on a few dates, and eventually I told him about you. He said he didn’t mind being there for me when it was difficult. I think he knew he was only a rebound, that it’d never be real to me. Anyway, I went over to his one night and, well, you can guess what happened. I couldn’t get you out of my head every time he touched me. I think I made it very obvious I was just imagining it was you.»
Remus has to stop and breathe for a bit. It’s unnatural to think about himself with someone other than Sirius. It feels wrong. It’s always just been him and Sirius, and now that he’s been with someone else he almost feels dirty for it. He regrets it now. Regrets not waiting. Not looking a little further into what happened. Nothing of it makes sense now that he knows the truth, it shouldn’t have made sense back then either. He wishes he could go back in time just to scream at himself.
Bless these angels hanging over my head
Still as a tomb though, I’m scared instead because
Remus finds he often wishes to go back in time nowadays. It’s a feeling he doesn’t want to be overly familiar with.
«I never let him sleep here. We never did anything intimate in this flat. I never cooked him any of your mum's food. I didn’t let him listen to your music. I never let him take your place. He was never there to fill in for you,» He has to clear his throat before speaking again, his voice unsteady and unreliable. «I don’t ever want you to think that he was your replacement. Nobody could ever compare to you, not in any way. I don’t want anyone but you, even if you’d really stolen the money. Even if you’d done much worse. I think I would’ve wanted you no matter what.»
Remus looks down in time to catch a glistening tear running slowly down Sirius’ cheek. «I’m sorry, love. I know I’ve hurt you badly. Believe me when I say you truly don’t deserve any of it.» Sirius doesn’t answer, which Remus thinks is fair. He settles for toying with his uncombed hair, a calming gesture he knows Sirius appreciates.
He’s aware of how Sirius views himself. He wishes he could let him look at himself through Remus’ eyes once, surely he’d see then how incredibly proud Remus is. Surely he’d stop tearing both their hearts out with his overthinking.
I must be losing my mind
I thought I left you behind
Sometimes, Remus envisions himself in Sirius’ place. He tries to imagine how he managed it all. Wonders how he got through it alone.
Most of the time, Remus wishes so hard to go back in time he feels his heart break open and his spine tear in two. He squeezes his eyes shut and imagines their life without the horrible chain hanging over them, reminding them of every possible false move, every possible mistake that might lead to their demise. Maybe, they will never break the chain. They’ll stay exactly where they are and always be in a state of in-between. Never entirely for the other. Never enclosing full trust.
Hopefully, this is just another challenge they can take on head first and crash right through. They’ll ruin and destroy everything that was built up to tear them down and they’ll emerge on the other side with just a scratch and a memory.
We’ve done this a hundred times before, Remus thinks. Why will we not mould our souls together once again, fill the cracks with gold paint and unfold with more grace than ever managed before? Who is here to stop us?
What if they don’t fall this time? What if they continue to fly and manage to land on the sun? What if they prove everything Icarus taught to be wrong? What if they write their own story?
Remus has never felt as invincible as he does when he’s with Sirius. He’s never felt weaker than when they’re together. Who can tell him they cannot use this to their advantage? Who will stop them from baring the essence of who they are to one other, and weave themselves together to be one?
Nothing compares to what they have for each other. Nothing can stop them this time.
I must be losing my mind
Oh, you left so much behind