I knew what I did was wrong but I thought they would brush off the prank like they always did and everyone would come out laughing. That didn’t happen. James screamed in my face before running to the shack and I was left there helpless because I messed up. Big time. I want to rush to help but James' words echo in my head ‘Go back to the dorm, you’ve messed up enough for one night’
I spend the rest of the night pacing the dorm. From the window to the door. Looking up at the full moon and staring at the door where my Moony would return. I planned my apology. ‘I am so sorry Moony, I didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt’. It was weak but I don’t know what else to say. By the time the sun rises, my stomach is a knot of nerves and I stare at the door, willing my best friends to come walking in.
The door opens and I expect to see James but Moony is there before I can get my apology out, I feel the air crackle with angry magic. “HOW DARE YOU How dare you expose my secret like that. Snape could have been killed and I would have been to blame. Or worse, he could have told everyone in the school what I am! We obliviated him in time but EVERYONE could have known and it would have ruined everything. I’m not in love with you anymore. How could someone who loved me hurt me like this? I don’t want to ever talk to you again. I don’t want to ever see you again! You are DEAD to me.” Remus screams. I look at him with tears in my eyes, speechless. I glance behind him to see James and Peter looking at me with the same hatred that is lighting up Remus’s eyes. I knew I messed up but I didn’t expect them to react like this. I am speechless. My apology isn’t worth saying after that. I bowed my head and conceded “Ok, I’ll stay out of your way,” I say tiredly, everything finally catching up to me. The shame, guilt, and exhaustion are weighing me down as I slip past James and Peter glaring at me and out the door.
I don’t know where to go. My dorm isn’t an option. I don’t want to sit at the Gryffindor table to prevent them from eating when they come down. I can’t attend class because they will be there and surely don’t want me to sit next to them. I sigh and head for the library. I find a semi-cozy corner in the back where I have never gone before and sit against the wall. Before I realize it, I am shaking and tears are spilling out of my eyes. My stupidity just lost me everything. My boyfriend, my friends, my dorm, my table and so much more.
I don’t know how long I sat in that corner. Time works weirdly in the library and before I know it, everything seems darker and I figure it is probably evening. I have nowhere to sleep but I can’t sleep here. I make my way out of the library and glance into the Great Hall. Everyone is eating and laughing. I spot my dormmates toward the end of the table, quiet but together. It is taking me every bit of strength I have not to walk over and sit down because I am not welcome anymore. On cue, as if he could hear my thoughts, Remus looks right at me and I want to disappear into the wall. The energy radiating from him is gone but the intensity of the hatred in his eyes is still there. The other two look at me with disgust and I can barely handle another second of their disappointment. I make my way to Gryffindor Tower and into our dorm. Once a place I thought of as home, now feels hollow and tainted. I gather a few things to take with me. My schoolbag, a blanket, a pillow, and a few other trinkets. I deserve this, I remind myself as I collect my things. I deserve to be forced to leave. I deserve to be cast out. I deserve not to be allowed into the dorm but as I snatch my blanket, a few tears come to my eyes because where am I going to go?
I have finished packing everything into a little bag and am wandering the halls when I come across an empty classroom. It looks clean but unused. Better than sleeping in the hallway I suppose. I unpack my blanket and pillow and try to make my little sleeping area as comfortable as possible. I am exhausted but I know I won’t be able to sleep. I deserve to be uncomfortable, cold, abandoned, and exhausted for what I did. I am lost in my thoughts when I hear the door open. My eyes shoot open and I rush to pack up my stuff, creating an excuse on why I am here when I hear a familiar voice. “Sirius?” My brother says. My blood brother that is. James probably doesn’t even consider me a friend anymore much less family. “Yes, Reg?” I reply hesitantly, turning around and hiding my meager blanket behind me. “What are you doing in an empty classroom in the middle of the night?” He asks with the usual judgment in his voice. I would usually quip back something like ‘What are YOU doing in an empty classroom in the middle of the night?’ or ‘What’s it to you?’ but I’m too tired for that. “I messed up Reggie, I messed up really bad. Needed to find a place to sleep other than the dorm.” I say staring at the floor. My usual confidence is gone and I want to crawl into a hole and die. “You can’t sleep here. It’s dirty and has no actual bed.” Regulus says, appalled that I would even have considered it a choice. “I don’t have a lot of other options, I can’t stay in Gryffindor, the library is closed and I’m not close enough with anyone else to ask to stay in their dorm,” I say defeated. Even if I were close with anyone else, they probably would be mad at me as well and ban me from ever being seen with them again. Regulus stares at me before he mutters “Get up” I look up in shock before scrambling to get up because I have nowhere else to go.
I follow him down the corridors in a trance. There is no way that the brother I left behind is helping me. He guides me to the dungeons and my anxiety rises. He sees my hesitation and stops before we enter the common room. He speaks before I can even get any words out “We have a spare bed in our dorm, Evan and Barty have been sharing a bed for weeks. Let’s go” I am speechless at the admission but thankful for the clarification as we make our way to the dorm. His dormmates are sleeping when we enter and he gestures to the empty bed before digging around his trunk. “Shower stuff is in here if you want to shower before bed, otherwise see you in the morning,” Reg says closing his curtains. I stand there, in a Slytherin dorm, in my brothers' dorm, and don’t know what to think. I venture to the showers after grabbing the shampoo, conditioner, and soap that Reggie has hastily gestured to before going to sleep. I carefully check that there is no one there before allowing myself to get under the water.
The last shower I took was right before the full moon. Moony and I always took showers at the same time before the full moon to feel refreshed and to control something before the chaos of the night. As I stare at the tile in front of me, I try not to cry. I methodically wash my hair and soap up my body. There is no care in my touch. I don’t deserve gentleness. I climb out and dry off before heading to the strange bed. It is perfectly made and looks like it has never been slept in. I pull on a loose shirt and some boxers before burying myself in the covers. It is freezing in the dungeons but I don’t have the energy to cast a warming charm on myself. Moony always used to cast warming charms on me. I will live, I deserve to feel a little cold.
I fall asleep shivering.
The morning is blurry but I am up before everyone else. I unpack my small blanket and pillow to put on my new bed. I don’t usually make my bed but I am a guest here. I glance over and am surprised to see Reggie awake and digging through his trunk. He goes and digs through Barty’s as well. He emerges with a small trunk and sets it to the side of my bed. “You can put your stuff in there for now. We can go get more stuff later if you want” He says opening the trunk. I offer him a sad smile and a soft “thanks”. “We leave for breakfast in 5 minutes. Hey! Evan! Barty! Let’s go!” He calls over to the remaining bed. I hear shuffling from behind the curtains and a sleepy Barty and Evan emerge. They do a double take when they see me standing there but only give Reg a questioning look before shuffling to the bathroom.
I am looking at my Gryffindor tie when they get out. I’ve been going back and forth about whether I want to put it on. On the one hand, I am a Gryffindor and I should wear it. On the other, I was not brave, I was cowardly and stupid. I don’t deserve to represent Gryffindor. Also, I will stick out like a sore thumb walking out of a Slytherin dorm. I stuff it into my book bag and shuffle behind the three men as they head out the door. No one turns their head at me walking out of the dungeons which means they either don’t care or didn’t notice me. Everything is fine until I look up as we reach the Great Hall. I catch James's eyes as I walk in, right behind the Slytherins who took me in like an abandoned puppy. He is clearly shocked and confused. I see him whisper to Remus and he looks up. I don’t see his reaction because I am planning to head back to the library. Before I can turn around, Reg grabs my arm and almost drags me to the end of the Slytherin table. A few heads turn but most don’t mind as I am not in their way and not wearing a Gryffindor tie. I can feel my former friend's eyes on us and it feels like they are trying to set my robes on fire.
I go everywhere with Reg and his friends. Classes, the library, the Great Hall, and back to his dorm. Classes are tough because all he can do is drop me off at the classrooms. I sit at the back, alone and not paying attention. I feel out of place and alienated. The feeling only goes away a little bit when I see Reggie waiting to pick me up after class. After a week into the routine, Reg doesn’t show up after one of my classes. I try not to panic because there is nothing to be afraid of. I walk out of the classroom with my head down to avoid any awkward glances. Instead of an awkward glance, I feel someone slam into my shoulder and I can’t stop myself from whipping my head up, a jinx on my tongue when I see it is Moony that hit me. Every bit of fire inside me is put out and I hang my head as I make my way past him. Before I know it, I am back in the dungeons in an empty bed.
I realize in the middle of the night that I don’t know what will happen this coming summer. I had escaped Grimmauld just the year before to go to the Potter’s but I don’t know if I am welcome anymore.
The next day, someone grabs my arms and pulls me into an alcove as I am walking to the Great Hall and before I can hit them, I see that it is James. It has been two whole weeks and none of them have said a word to me. They are hurting as well but it burns to know that they discarded me off to the side and haven’t even tried to check in. It’s not like I told them not to talk to me, they just told me not to talk to them.
James looks nervous and wrings his hands together before blurting out, “Remus needs a safe space to stay for the summer, somewhere he can transform safely and feel cared for. He is going to stay at my house and he doesn’t feel comfortable with you being there as well.” My heart sinks to my stomach. The Potter Manor was my safe haven. I had escaped my abusive house and run into their open arms and now their door was shut on me. I look up at him, trying to hold back my tears. I can’t control the hurt etched into my face. I take a deep breath to try to get some control over myself before offering a small smile. “He deserves to have a safe space,” I say choking back tears. I rush from the alcove as soon as I get the words out. I don’t want to hear anything else. Remus deserves a safe space but what about a safe space for me? I guess I took a safe space from him when I told Snape. I deserve to have a safe space taken from me for that.
“Reggie? Are you awake?” I whisper into the dead silent room, hoping that he is awake but also hoping that I don’t have to admit that I don’t have a place to go for the summer. “Yeah,” Reggie mutters back. “Can we talk?” I whisper back. I hear his curtains open and that is the only invitation I need before I slink over to his bed. I close the curtains and try to gather my courage. After a few deep breaths, I finally spew out, “Could you write to Mother and ask if I can come back for summer?” I have never seen my brother more shocked in his entire life. “What? I thought you were staying at the Potter’s. You left last year to stay at the Potters!” Reggie says. I can barely keep eye contact. “I can’t go back to the Potter’s this summer,” I say quietly. “What. Happened.” Regulus demands. He has controlled his curiosity until this point, never asking me the details of what brought me to this dorm. “I messed up really bad Reg, I took a prank too far,” I say defensively, not wanting to tell the whole story. “No, tell me what happened” I sigh before explaining what happened. I tell him about what Remus said and how he doesn’t love me anymore. He doesn’t seem shocked at the hidden news that Remus and I were together. I am finishing up the story, explaining how they haven’t spoken to me since and how I deserve it when Reggie tells me to stop. I immediately shut my mouth. I am already planning where I am going to go for the night. Maybe I can sleep in the library in the back corner? Maybe if I disillusioned myself and set up a small cot, I could spend a few nights there. Or, I could set up a small place to sleep in an abandoned classroom turn a desk into a small bed, and use one of the desks to study. I can always sneak some meals from the kitchen, I truly don’t eat that much anymore so I could only have to sneak a few meals a week…. I am broken out of my thoughts when Reg mutters “I can’t believe they haven’t spoken to you” I counter almost immediately, jumping to defend my friends “I mean what I did was truly horrible so I don’t expect them to ever speak to me again. I would understand if they are trying to forget I ever existed” Reggie sighs before saying “Look Sirius, you messed up. That is true. But they should have calmed down by now. They should have checked on you. Do they even notice that you aren’t sleeping in the dorm? They are being shit people if they haven’t even asked you if you have a place to sleep.” Reg is clearly frustrated. “James talked to me today” I admit. Regulus looks at me questionly, urging me to continue. “It is the first time one of them has spoken to me in two weeks. All he said is that I am not allowed at Potter Manor this summer because Remus needs a place to feel safe. Remus told James he doesn’t feel safe around me so I can’t stay there anymore.” I say defeated. “So let me get this straight. He pulls you aside to talk to you for the first time in weeks and instead of asking how you are or if you have a place to sleep, he tells you that you can’t go to his house for the summer?” Reggie says in disbelief. I nod. “Unbelievable,” He says rubbing his face. “Your friends are being arseholes, I hope you know that. You did mess up but they should have come to their senses by now and at the very least, checked in on you. On another note, I will write to mother. I don’t think she will be thrilled that you want to come back but I have a hard time imagining her saying no. You know she’s going to torture you, right?” Reg says with sorrow in his eyes. I can’t figure out if he means mentally or physically but I assume both. “Yeah, but I have nowhere else to go. They barely let anyone stay at Hogwarts over the summer” I say with a heavy heart. “OK, if you want me to write, I will. I’ll let you know when she replies” Reggie says formally. “Thanks, Reg. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me” I say, making eye contact so he knows I mean it. He brushes the gratitude off. “Remember that your friends are being arseholes right now and you aren’t in the wrong currently, they are.” I nod before slipping out of his bed and trudging to mine. I fall asleep missing my friends, especially my Moony.
I am sitting by Reg at dinner when I hear a laugh. I would know that laugh anywhere and I look up to see the beautiful sight of Moony laughing. He has his head thrown back and he is shaking with how hard he is laughing. James and Peter are smiling at him as he laughs and I can’t help but smile too. His laugh is one of my favorite things about him and my love for him swells in my heart. All of a sudden James eyes shift and he makes direct eye contact with me. His glare is piercing. Any happiness or love I felt evaporated like a puddle on a hot day. My heart sinks to my stomach and I look down at my uneaten plate. I want to disappear. Moony is laughing. Moony is laughing and I am not there. Moony is probably only laughing because I am not there. He isn’t my Moony anymore. He doesn’t feel the love I do anymore.
I feel sick to my stomach and I can’t sit at the table any longer. I get up, avoid everyone’s gaze, and make the slow walk back to the dungeons. Every small bit of hope or happiness these days is immediately crushed.
I am constantly reminded of my mistake when I see my former friends together and when I see Remus, my heart yearns for my beloved to come back to me.
I am no closer to accepting that my friends don’t want me when a letter falls in Reggie’s lap at breakfast. The Black seal decorates the back and my mother’s handwriting is scrawled on the front. A lump forms in my throat. Thankfully it is just Reg and I at breakfast today since Evan and Barty decided to sleep in. He turns it over and breaks the seal. I hold my breath as he reads the letter, not knowing what I want it to say. I don’t want to go back to the Black estate but if I don’t go there, where will I go? My thoughts are interrupted when Reg looks up from the letter. He sighs. “She is letting you come home for the summer, you are still disowned for now but you are allowed to return for summer break,” He says blankly. I don’t know if I am sad or relieved. My body is frozen and when I look up, I catch James’s eyes and I almost break out in tears.
He was my brother. He helped me escape my abusive house. He saved me. He helped me feel at home at Hogwarts. And now, he is sending me back to the place he saved me from. I don’t want to blame him because he doesn’t know that’s where I will be going for summer but where did he think I would go? I look down at the letter in Reggie's hands. The letter that is inviting me back into pain and suffering, the letter letting me in after I had to beg to come back because my closest friend told me I couldn’t come back to his house. A tear slips out as Regulus puts the letter back in the envelope and stores it in his book bag. “Come on, let's go to class and try to forget about this,” Regulus says, hoisting me off the bench. I know I have lost weight but it is a shock that he can lift me. I guess I’ve lost more weight than I thought.
I look at the skeleton in the mirror later that night, I stare at the shell of myself I have become. There is no light in my eyes. I am cold and my skin burns for human touch. My reflection stares back at me, with sad eyes and an exhausted expression. I can’t look at myself anymore. The hole in my soul feels like it is growing every day. My body protests as I go to lie down. I hate falling asleep alone and the touch starvation makes it even worse.
Summer is rapidly approaching and I am just trying to survive every day. Trying to get decent grades, stay out of Remus’s way, and mentally prepare for summer.
My shock is visible when I am summoned to Dumbledore’s office a week before summer break. I slowly make my way there, trying to come up with a reason the headmaster would want to see me. Did my friends finally tell the headmaster about what I did? Did I fail a class? I am drawing up the worst possible situations as I reach the top of the stairs.
The door opens and Dumbledore motions for me to sit in the seat across from him. The headmaster takes a deep breath, leans forward onto his desk, and wastes no time saying “It has come to my attention that you have been staying in the Slytherin dorms” I freeze. This was not one of the situations I have considered. I stutter out, “Yes I have been”. He sits back in his chair. “Mr. Black that is not allowed,” He says definitively. “I don’t feel welcome in my dorm anymore, my friends and I got in a horrible fight. I don’t feel safe or wanted there. I moved to Regulus’s dorm because of that,” I say with a bit of confidence, speaking only the bits that are important for this situation. He sighs deeply “That is not a reason to change dorms, Mr. Black. I will allow you to stay in the Slytherin dorms for the remainder of this school year but this coming fall you will move back into Gryffindor, understood?” He says leaving no room for argument. I know that nothing will change his mind. “Yes Sir” I say quietly before exiting the tower.
Regulus sighs as I tell him what will happen in the fall as we pack up our trunks. There is nothing he can do.
I see my friends board the train together. I board with Reg.
I watch my friends get off the train and go straight to James’s parents. I look longingly at them. I miss their kindness. I miss feeling wanted. I miss being loved. I catch Remus’s eyes while I am staring at their happy little family. His eyes are lacking emotion as he looks at me. His eyes shift to something behind me and I turn to see what it is. I watch as my mother approaches her sons. I glance back at Remus and see his shock. He gets James's attention and his eyes go wide when they see Walburga approaching Reg and me. I turn away from them as my mother calls our names, saving myself from seeing how they will react. I’m not sure where they thought I was going to go but clearly, they did not expect me to go back home. They must not have put much thought into it because I have nowhere else to go. Reg and I fall in line behind Mother as she marches off the platform.
Summer is brutal. The only positive is that I take most of the torture so Regulus doesn’t have to deal with it. He was kind enough to help me last year and he doesn’t deserve to be hurt. My hands shake from the constant torture and my body is littered with scabs and open wounds. She bans us from healing them or using any type of bandages or salves. I can’t sit, eat, or sleep without being in pain. My wounds can barely heal before they are reopened. There is no time to think about the fall because all of my energy is spent on staying alive and keeping her off Reg.
Regulus packs his trunk and mine. I have been passing out from the pain so whenever I am not with Mother, he has me lying in bed. On the night before school, Mother stops by our room to remind us to make sure we look proper for the train.
I wake up early to get dressed. It is a struggle these days. My back is covered in open slash wounds. Mother made sure to have fun this last week before we left. Even I couldn’t protect Reggie from a round of crucio and a few slashes. I slowly pull my shirt on, wincing in pain as my back flexes. Mother also treated us to very few meals this break so I can see my ribs as I button my shirt.
We arrive at the train looking proper enough for Mother. Both of us are hiding our shaking hands and standing up tall. She wants us to be the picture of pureblood men and makes sure we don’t show a hint of weakness. I am so focused on pleasing her so she doesn’t dig her nails into my back that I don’t see the Potter’s off to the side. She finally releases Reg and me, says a curt goodbye and disappears from the stations. We don’t move a muscle. The summer has beaten our spirits and we are exhausted. I finally gather enough energy to begin the walk to the train and I can hear Reg trailing behind me. I look up and come face to face with a guilty-looking James Potter. “Excuse us,” I say before he can say anything. No half-assed pity apology can take back the pain of this summer. I maneuver around him and usher us into a compartment.
It is halfway through the ride when Reg speaks up. “How are you going to handle going back to the dorm?”. I truly don’t have an answer to his question. I shrug before saying, “ I don’t know. I don’t have a choice so I will have to deal with it. They have had the whole summer away from me and if they don’t like me being in the dorm they can take it up with Dumbledore. I plan to stay out of the way and pretend to be invisible.” His brother looks down before muttering “How are you going to hide what Mother did?” He looks meek as he says this and I am reminded of how young we truly are. I sigh. “I’m not sure. I will probably shower in the middle of the night when I know they are asleep or when I know they will be out of the dorm. I have some salves and bandages I am going to use to start the healing process and I can come over and help you use them. I can’t hide the shaking though.” He offers a solution I hadn’t thought of. “Maybe we just don’t use our wands unless necessary. No spells unless it’s for class. That will limit people seeing our shaking.” I nod along. “That will work. It should get better with time. I am just not sure how long it will take.”
We sadly separate once we get to Hogwarts. I sit alone at the end of the Gryffindor table. I look up to see Dumbledore staring at me as if checking I am in the place he commanded me to be in. After eating so little during the summer, there is not much I can stomach before I feel nauseous. I pick at my nails and stare at the table until we are dismissed from the feast. I gingerly stand up, trying not to show my pain. I slowly make my way up to the dorms, knowing that my dormmates will already be there. I drag my feet on the way up the stairs.
I want to bolt when I come to the door but it won’t get any better if I wait. I open the door and all voices halt. I look up to see three shocked faces and I move into the room to my old bed where my trunk is. I slowly begin to set up my space. Trying to move normally and not show how hurt I am. They don’t say a word as I unpack slowly. I finally finish setting everything up, my bandages still hidden in the bottom of my trunk and I crawl into my bed. I close the curtains and it feels even colder than the dungeons.
I fall asleep shaking.
I am up in the middle of the night and I peek my head out of the curtains to make sure everyone is asleep. Everyone's curtains are closed and I slide out of bed and kneel down at my trunk, pulling the salve and bandages out. I quickly walk to the bathroom. My hands are shaking as I cast Lumos. I set my wand down and lay out my supplies.
It takes a while for me to clean and bandage everything. By the end, I am exhausted and sore from bending my body in different ways to reach my back. I sneak back to my bed, looking around to make sure no one has woken up while I was in the bathroom. I sigh in relief when I realize everyone is soundly asleep. I fail to notice James watching me hobble back to my bed through the edge of his curtains.
I wake up and wait for everyone to leave. Breakfast on the first day is almost as important as the feast the night before so I know my dormmates will be leaving for breakfast as soon as possible. I sneak out of bed when I am sure they are all gone. I slip into the bathroom and slowly undo all the bandages from the night before. In the morning light, I take a good look at the damage my mother inflicted on me during the summer. Gashes span my entire back, small burn marks litter my chest, my ribs stick out and my hands shake as I run them over my body.
I sob as the water runs over my body. The water not only washing my physical wounds but also giving me an emotional release that wasn’t allowed during the break. I sob as the bits of dried blood I couldn’t clean up last night slide down the drain. All the pain from the summer surfaces and I can’t keep myself from collapsing. I spend at least 10 minutes on the shower floor, thinking about the suffering I endured. I eventually convince myself to get up only to tear up looking at my reflection. I look at the pathetic person I have become. The broken boy in the mirror stares back at me blankly. He looks tired and sad.
After getting myself together, I walk out of the bathroom with a towel slung low around my hips. My wounds need to be exposed to the air so they can heal. My head is hung low and I am lost to my thoughts when I hear a gasp. I whip my head up and I see Moony standing there staring at me. His eyes roam over the expanse of my body, a body he has seen before but not like this. Not this mutilated and starved body that is foreign to me. “Padfoot” His voice breaks. I try to move my hand to cover up as much of my skin as possible but I can’t cover nearly enough to hide myself from his pitiful gaze. “Remus you are supposed to be at breakfast,” I say, shrinking back into myself. “I didn’t think you would go back there.” He says looking at me sadly. “I had nowhere else to go, Remus, I’m not sure what you all expected when you banned me from the Potters for the summer” I bit back, hurt entering my voice. Remus just stares back at me, clearly still shocked at my appearance. I shake my head as I walk back to my bed and I almost miss him whispering “Baby your back….” I fight back the urge to turn back to him and beg for comfort. He doesn’t care about the emotional scars he left so I am not sure why he cares about my physical scars. I slip into my bed, leaving him to deal with his guilt.
The days slip by and my wounds heal. My friends tiptoe around me. I feel watched but whenever I turn around, they look away and pretend to be in a conversation. I have taken to spending nights in the astronomy tower, staring at the stars and holding my heart in my hands. I sometimes look down out the window and wonder how far I would fall if I jumped. If my friends would care if I got hurt. If they would care if I died.
I walk back to the dorm once I am sure that they will be asleep.
With each night I spend in the Astronomy tower, the small sliver of hope that my friends will want me again dwindles. “I’m so fucking stupid” I mutter to myself as I look at the ground from the height of the tower. I feel like almost no one cares about me and my former friends prove it every day. I want to be loved by my Moony again and everything to be normal I think about ending it every night but I always end up walking back to Gryffindor Tower and climbing into my cold, lonely bed.
This night feels different. I walked back to the dorm and walked into everyone hanging out and laughing. The mood immediately changes when they see me standing in the doorway. I feel like my presence has sucked the life out of the room. I turn around and leave. It’s not worth feeling so out of place and I go straight to the astronomy tower. I stand at the railing, switching from looking up at the stars where I came from and the ground where I will end up. I don’t know how long I stand there stuck in my own head. “Padfoot?” I hear someone say behind me and I swear I am imagining it. No one has called me that in ages. “Padfoot don’t” I hear again. It sounds like Moony so I must be hallucinating. He sounds concerned and like he cares. I miss him so much but he doesn’t care about me anymore. None of them do and I’m so tired. “Padfoot!” I hear behind me but it sounds so real. I turn around and am met with Remus. He curls his arms around me and pulls me tight to his chest. I sink into his embrace and cling to him. I finally get out of my head to hear him muttering “Oh my god, oh my god, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry baby, I love you, love you so much, my god baby, I’m so sorry I let you go home for the summer, I’m so sorry I let her hurt you, I’m so sorry I’m so sorry and I’m never letting you go again.” His grip is tight around me as I sob into his chest. He smells like chocolate, parchment, and cinnamon. More importantly, he smells like home. He whispers his apologies into my hairline as I find salvation in his arms.
I don’t know how long we stand there, holding onto each other for dear life. I pull away to stare up at him to make sure he is really there. He is there and I am alive. He slips his hand into mine, lacing our fingers together before guiding me back to our dorm. His hand in mine grounds me as we float through the hallways.
As we enter the room, I can feel eyes on us but Moony just guides us to his bed. He pulls the curtains back and climbs in after me. I immediately curl into his chest and his arms pull me in as tight as possible. I hear him whisper “I promise to never let you go again”.
I hope he keeps his promise.