The apartment was dark when Sirius led his brother inside, wordlessly shrugging his leather jacket off and hanging it on a hook by the door. There was a gentle glow coming from the kitchen down the hall, the only noise being quiet clinks and shuffling. Remus. He'd been woken up by Sirius' frantic rush to pull clothes on after getting a call at 02:30 from a tearful Regulus, begging his brother to pick him up. To come. After taking a moment to calm Sirius down so he'd be in a clearer mindset to drive, he'd told him he was going to stay up until they were back safe. It was a bit selfish of Sirius, but he was glad for the offer. From the moment he'd heard the sound of his baby brother's tearful Siri, voice dripping with absolute terror...Sirius couldn't remember a time he'd been so scared. He'd probably broken at least a dozen traffic laws, but he'd gotten there.
He'd gotten to his Reggie.
Reggie, who was standing in the front doorway as if he wasn't sure what to do. His posture was stiff, uncertain as Sirius looked back at him. His pale grey eyes were flitting from one part of the hall to the other, and yet the look in them was oddly vacant. It sent a chill down Sirius' spine.
"C'mon," Sirius urged him gently, giving him an encouraging grin. He waited until Regulus had stepped inside, letting the door fall closed behind him to pick up Regulus' duffle again and lead him down the hall. He walked to the kitchen where he knew Remus would be waiting, grinning softly when he saw the Welsh boy with three cups of tea prepped and waiting for the water. "Hello, my love," he greeted, his voice soft as he approached his boyfriend. Remus hummed softly in response, leaning down readily to press a quick kiss to Sirius' lips. It was far too short for Sirius' liking, but he didn't feel like traumatizing Regulus any more than the poor boy already had been. Setting Regulus' duffle on the counter, Sirius turned to face the younger boy again.
You could have mistaken Regulus for a ghost. Soundless, lingering on the outskirts of the room. Sirius wished he knew how to make this easier for him. He wished he could take away all of his younger brother's pain, make it his own. He knew he could handle it. He was terrified of Regulus breaking.
"It's good to see you again, Regulus," Remus greeted, his voice fairly confident given the situation. He didn't want Regulus to feel any more awkward than he obviously was. Being awkward about it himself was surely not going to help. The younger boy still didn't say anything, instead nodding in acknowledgment. There was a flash of something in his eyes -- fear. He was a guest in Remus' home, and he'd been spoken to. It was bad manners. He knew how bad manners were dealt with back home. Remus knew too, and he wanted Regulus to know that it was different there. That he didn't have to fear them the way that he feared his parents. So, he went on. "I was just making some tea, if you wanted some. Do you still like chamomile?"
Now it was surprise that flashed in Regulus' eyes. The two had shared a very brief and fleeting friendship in secondary school. Mostly it was confined to the library, the topic of conversation regarding school or what books they were reading at the time. Regulus could only remember one time the conversation had taken a turn towards how they preferred their tea. He was surprised Remus remembered. He was surprised Remus had cared enough to remember.
"Yes. Thank you," Regulus responded, his voice quiet and tense. It was the first time he had spoken since Sirius had begun to drive him away from Grimmauld Place, their childhood home -- if one could even call it that -- disappearing in the rearview mirror. That had been more than half an hour ago.
Remus nodded at the counter as he grabbed the kettle from the stove. Regulus got the message, moving soundlessly across the kitchen and perching himself atop the stool there. Sirius settled into the stool next to his brother, keeping a close eye on him. His looked over his brother -- the sickly pale pallor of his skin, the prominence of the dark circles under his eyes, how sullen his face had become, how much weight he'd lost. It was all he'd been able to do since he'd first laid eyes on his little brother. While Sirius did this, Remus poured the hot water into the three mugs and passed two to the two brothers. Regulus accepted his with a quiet "thank you", holding the mug between his hands as the tea inside began to steep.
"Are you hungry?" Remus asked, having also given the younger boy an appraising once over. He saw what Sirius was seeing, and he was concerned. "I could make you some toast or fry an egg quick."
"No, thank you. This is fine," Regulus declined politely, his eyes cast downward towards the steaming liquid.
Sirius frowned. Regulus had always been small growing up. Thin, lithe, delicate. Their mother had been strict. She liked to set standards for her children that were unattainable -- unless you were Walburga Black, ready to go to extremes. The old hag had been barking in Regulus' ear about watching his figure since he was old enough to understand what words like fat and pudgy meant. Even when their parents hadn't used food restriction as a weapon, Regulus had taken to watching what he ate. But, somewhere in the time since he'd left home, he'd become too thin. He was covered, but Sirius had still caught a glimpse at how his bones protruded in his wrists, his collarbones. Sirius had almost sobbed when Regulus had all but collapsed into his arms, sobbing quietly with his whole weight leaning against his older brother. He'd weighed practically nothing.
Before Sirius could say anything to try and convince his brother to at least share a piece of toast with him, Regulus began speaking again. "Thank you for, uh, letting me stay," he continued, his voice quiet and uncertain as he finally met Remus' eye. "I promise I won't be any trouble."
And oh, if that didn't break Sirius' heart into a billion pieces.
Remus' too, if the way his lip twitched meant anything. "You don't have to thank me for that. Or your brother," he insisted, his eyes sad. "It's no trouble. You are no trouble, Regulus. I'm only sorry it took this long to get you out of there."
Regulus cleared his throat, nodding shortly before turning his gaze back to his tea. His eyes were glassier than they'd been before.
The three of them drank their tea in relative silence, and once Regulus was finished Sirius was standing again. He grabbed Regulus' duffle, leading his brother to the guest room down the hall. He helped his brother to settle in and familiarize himself with the space. He pointed out the bathroom next door as well as his and Remus' room right across the hall. He made sure that his brother knew he could and should knock if he needs anything -- anything. He hugged his brother tight once more, whispering promises that things were going to get better and that they were going to do it together before going across the hall to his own bedroom.
Sirius didn't sleep another second that night. He kept thinking over everything he'd said to his brother, every promise he'd made.
Sirius really hoped it was the truth.
---
The next morning, Sirius called into work so he could spend the day with Regulus.
Regulus had insisted that Sirius didn't have to, but he'd wanted to. He wanted to make sure that they started off on a good note.
After a quick (and far too small) breakfast, Sirius had taken Regulus to a salon. The shortest Walburga had ever let Regulus cut his hair was around his collarbones, and Regulus had danced on that line with the precision of a prima ballerina ever since. Sirius had seen how Regulus had eyed his hair -- the jealousy and the yearning -- ever since they were small children, years before the night he had tearfully admitted to Sirius that he was his brother. That he was Regulus. Sirius had done everything he could to help his brother since that night. He only ever referred to him as Regulus -- and Reg and Reggie, much to his little brother's dismay -- and he made sure that his friends did as well. He helped him figure out how he could style his hair in a more masculine way at school and gave him his old uniform trousers to wear in place of the skirt. More than once he'd been sent to the headmaster's office for punching a snot nosed prat who had made fun of Regulus or made him feel safe conscious. His parents hadn't been happy about that, but it had been worth it.
It was all worth it, but there had only been so much Sirius could do for Reggie when they were kids. Now he could really do something. Something that mattered, something that could help his brother become on the outside who he was on the inside.
Once Regulus was sporting a shorter cut that brought out the curls in his hair, Sirius had taken him shopping for new clothes. He'd grabbed any and everything that Regulus liked, insisting he try them on and putting whatever passed the test in their cart. Once Regulus insisted he had more than enough clothes, they went to look at jewelry. Sirius had seen Regulus eyeing the rings he wore and remembered the fixation he'd had on the rings their father and Uncle Alphard wore whenever they'd get together for family functions. Along with trying on rings, Regulus also looked at the different earrings they had on display. His ears were pierced, but only the single on the lobes. Their mother would have had a fit if he'd asked for anything more. Regulus asked if he could take him to get his ears pierced. Sirius answered without hesitation, telling him about his friend Marlene who worked at a tattoo and piercing shop.
Sirius could see that it was all becoming very overwhelming for Regulus -- his first big haircut, a wardrobe he got to pick out for himself, excessive jewelry he'd never been allowed to consider, the promise of piercings and even tattoos. The moment he cried, though, was when Sirius bought him his first proper binder. Sirius had caught a glimpse of the makeshift one that Regulus had been using -- compression bandages with medical tape done too tight, leaving angry red marks and bruising on his sides. He'd assumed -- no, hoped -- the heft to his brother's breathing he'd heard the night before was because he was overwhelmed or panicked. It had been wishful thinking on his part.
So, when Regulus had been in the fitting room changing into one of the outfits Sirius had curated from his choices, Sirius had ventured to the part of the store where they had undergarments. Once they'd left the store, Sirius had presented him with the different kinds of binders for him to try. Regulus had just held them, staring at them for a moment before bursting into tears.
Sirius had worried for a moment he'd done something wrong -- that he should have let Regulus try them on instead of deciding to surprise him with them -- until Regulus had all but thrown himself over the console of the car to hug his brother. Sirius had held his baby brother close for what simultaneously felt like forever and not at all long enough, comforting him and meeting his repeated gratitude with assurances that there was no reason for it.
Once Regulus had calmed down enough they stopped at a cafe for a quick lunch, and then brought Remus coffee at the bookstore he worked at. Business was slow, meaning they could catch Remus up on what all they'd done that day and browse for books. Sirius made himself busy in the section of the bookstore where they sold recycled vinyls. As he was flipping through the Ramones, he looked up to see Remus and Regulus engrossed in conversation about whatever book was held between them. He grinned softly at the sight, warmth and contentment filling his chest as he watched the two most important people in his life get along.
---
It was good, for a while. Really good.
Regulus was happier than he'd been in years.
Eventually, though, there came the day where it wasn't -- where Regulus wasn't.
It started like any other day. He woke up, went into the bathroom to go through his morning routine, went to the kitchen. Sirius was continuing in his efforts to get Regulus back on a healthy eating schedule. He'd been a lot less subtle about it at first. Regulus had almost had a panic attack the first time Sirius had tried to all-but force feed him a three course meal. It wasn't until a hushed yet stern conversation with Remus and then a private discussion with Regulus' new therapist that he realized he couldn't force Regulus to do this at his speed. Since then it had been more subtle -- a bit more on his plate every couple days, deliberately placing Regulus' favorites in front of him so he'd be more likely to go back for seconds, keeping Regulus' favorite snacks stocked within cabinets that very clearly had no lock. He said more subtle because Sirius could never be totally subtle. It wasn't in his nature.
That morning was weird, though. As soon as Regulus had woken up, he'd felt off. He'd woken up feeling off before, but the feeling usually faded after a while. As he sat in the kitchen with his brother and Remus before they left for work, however, the feeling didn't go away. If anything, it got worse.
He couldn't shake it -- an aching, crawling feeling up his skin. It was uncomfortable, this nagging, incessant feeling. It made him feel tense. It choked at his throat. He didn't say much at breakfast. He didn't eat much, either. He couldn't. Even if he thought he could get the food past the lump in his throat, the very thought of trying made his stomach churn. He could feel Sirius' worried gaze on him as he stiffly reached across the counter for the sugar. He didn't like it. He didn't like knowing that he was worrying Sirius. He felt guilty about it.
Isn't that just like you, Regina, his mother's voice hissed in his head, cold and bitter and dripping with disdain. His life was so much simpler before you forced your way back into it. All you do is make things worse for the people you care about. Your love is nothing but a curse.
Maybe that was why he lied and told Sirius that he hadn't slept the best. It was something his brother would believe. He'd woken up enough times sweating and panting and even screaming from nightmares since he'd been there. It was enough to convince his brother to go to work instead of staying home with him. He'd spent seventeen years convincing people that he was fine even when his mind was screaming. Growing up in his family, he had to learn to put on a mask very quickly. It was twenty minutes before both Sirius and Remus were out the door and off to work -- before he was alone in their apartment with only his thoughts to keep him company.
Maybe Regulus should have let Sirius stay.
Maybe then he'd have had a distraction from all the thoughts swirling in his head. Maybe then he would have had someone to tell him he wasn't a cancerous presence in their lives. Maybe then he wouldn't be able to hear the voices in his head telling him he was a coward. Maybe then he wouldn't have every horrible thing his parents ever told him he was running on replay in his head. Maybe then he wouldn't believe them. Maybe then he wouldn't be standing in front of the bathroom mirror scrutinizing every bit of fat on his body thinking about how disgusting he looked. Maybe then he wouldn't have that voice in his head degrading him for the extra slice of pizza he'd eaten the night before. Maybe then he would have had someone to argue against the voice telling him that he deserved to be in pain.
Maybe then his mind would stop reminding him about the pack of razors in the bathroom cabinet.
When Sirius got home from work, he came home to a quiet apartment. Regulus hadn't texted him that he was going out to see his friends. He got worried again.
He found Regulus in his room, curled up in bed in a baggy jumper with the blinds drawn. To anyone, it would have looked like he was asleep. He was still worried, because Regulus wasn't asleep. He was laying there, curled up in bed with his eyes wide open. They were unfocused, hazy, unseeing. He didn't react at all when Sirius stepped into his line of sight. He didn't move when Sirius said his name or tried to ask him what was wrong. He didn't react, not even when Sirius was kneeling in front of him with tears in his eyes. Begging him to speak, to make a sound, to move, to blink, to do something to let him know he was okay.
When Remus got home from work, he found Sirius curled up in bed next to his brother. He was watching the younger boy like a hawk, his grey eyes stormy with worry. Regulus had been like this for hours, and he didn't know what to do. More than that, he didn't want to leave him.
Regulus stayed like that until the next morning. Sirius and Remus had been in the kitchen talking in hushed voices when Regulus walked in as if it were a normal morning.
He was exhausted. He didn't want to talk about it, where he went. It was his own burden to bear. He didn't want Sirius to know, didn't want Sirius to blame himself more for leaving Regulus there, for exposing him to this. The place inside his head -- the voices, the people, the memories -- was somewhere he didn't want to share with anyone.
---
"You're such a little menace!"
Regulus laughed at his brother's outrage, having beaten him in yet another round of MarioKart. He'd let Sirius think he was winning after getting smoked by his little brother the previous two races in the game. As soon as Regulus fell behind and couldn't seem to get back in front Sirius had become his usual cocky self, spouting off about beginner's luck and how this race was going to be his. What Sirius hadn't noticed was the blue shell Regulus had been holding onto in his inventory. He'd held onto it most of the final lap, waiting until the final leg to release it. It had hit Sirius' driver right in front of the finish line while Regulus breezed on past. Sirius came in fourth.
"Sorry, what was that?" Regulus asked with a cheeky grin, glancing at his older brother on the other side of the couch. "I can't hear you over the deafening sound of my victory."
Sirius gaped at Regulus, throwing down the controller and grabbing the pillow behind his back. "Why I oughta --"
Regulus laughed as Sirius began whacking him with the pillow, grabbing his own to fight back. He had a glimpse, then, of them. Much younger, tucked away in Sirius' bedroom playing a board game. He'd caught Regulus swiping a couple notes from the monopoly bank, outraged by his little brother's cheating. As if Regulus hadn't caught him doing the same earlier in the game. They'd fought each other with pillows, trying to keep their laughter quiet so their parents wouldn't hear and come in.
They didn't have to hide their laughter anymore.
---
The first time his friends came to Sirius and Remus' apartment since he'd ran away, Barty had asked why there weren't any mirrors in his rooms.
Regulus hadn't known how to tell them that he hadn't had access to a mirror of his own for more than a month.
It was like a hard punch to the gut -- realizing that finally cutting his hair, getting proper binders, dressing how he wanted, beginning hormone therapy, that none of it was enough. It wasn't enough to erase his mother from his life. Not her words from his head, her marks from his skin, her image in the mirror.
Regulus looked like his mother, and he hated it.
Any time he looked into the mirror that was hanging on his wall for too long, all he could see was her staring back at him. The shape of his face, his eyes, his lips, his nose, the one curl by his ear that refused to cooperate no matter what he did. Seeing her staring back at him wasn't even the worst part. It was the voices -- family, friends, business associates of his parents', all of them telling him how much he resembled his mother. As if it was something he should have been proud of. As if it was a good thing.
He hadn't even realized he'd done it. Not until Sirius came rushing in because of the noise and began to panic, pulling Regulus away from the wreckage and rushing him out the door to the car.
By the time he'd gotten back from the emergency room, there was no evidence of what had happened at all. The shards that had been in his hand had been carefully picked out, the cuts cleaned, stitched, and bandaged. The rest were in the bin along with the pieces of the frame.
Remus had greeted them with a soft, sad grin and a cup of tea. They'd sat together in the kitchen while they drank it, talking about anything but what was on all of their minds. The new season of Love Island was starting in a week. James had gotten pissed off his head and proposed to Lily in front of a crowded bar full of people who just wanted a night of peaceful trivia with cheap prizes. Marlene had made a fool out of herself in front of Dorcas and was worried she'd ruined her chances. Regulus knew that Dorcas had found the entire display weirdly charming. Sirius was thinking about getting a new tattoo. Did they want to order in Thai or Indian for dinner that night. Remus had talked to Regulus' therapist on the phone. He had an appointment scheduled for Monday afternoon.
They hadn't replaced the mirror. They didn't for another five months.
Regulus never pressed the issue.
---
22:31
R.A.B.: siri
S.O.B.: What's up?
S.O.B.: What's wrong?
R.A.B.: nightmare
S.O.B.: You feel like telling me what it was?
R.A.B.: the closet [UNSENT]
R.A.B.: mum lucked me in the closet. it was so dark and i couldn't breathe. [UNSENT]
R.A.B.: i was trapped in the dark and bleeding. i thought i was going to die there. [UNSENT]
R.A.B.: i don't want to talk about it
S.O.B.: That's okay Reggie
S.O.B.: Want me to come home???
22:40
S.O.B.: Petite Étoile???
S.O.B.: Talk to me Reg
R.A.B.: you're with your friends.
R.A.B.: i don't want to ruin your night.
R.A.B.: not for me [UNSENT]
R.A.B.: i'll be fine. i'm just being stupid.
S.O.B.: You're not being stupid Étoile.
S.O.B.: Night's dying down anyway
S.O.B.: Lils just dragged Prongs' drunk arse home and Marls is probably next
S.O.B.: Rem and I are grabbing our coats. We'll be home in 20
22:56
R.A.B.: i'm sorry.
S.O.B.: You have nothing to be sorry for, Reggie.
S.O.B.: Just sit tight - we'll be there soon.
S.O.B.: I love you.
R.A.B.: i love you too. [UNSENT]
---
"I don't like him."
It was the first words Sirius had spoken since he'd picked Regulus up from hanging out his friends. Movie night, he'd said. Just the five of them hanging out, eating pizza, maybe a little beer. Sirius couldn't get on him for the drinking. Lord knows he'd done that and worse with his friends when they'd hung out as teenagers. To be honest, Sirius was just glad that Regulus was wanting to leave the apartment more.
He'd texted Regulus that he was outside in the car like he'd wanted. A couple minutes later he got a text back. A girl named Pandora was telling him that it would probably be better if he came up. Smoke had still been wafting through the air when Dorcas opened the apartment door, but he'd been able to smell the weed from where he'd been standing in the hallway. The room was dimly lit with green LEDs giving it an ominous hue. There on the couch was his baby brother, practically melting into the side of a blond boy and giggling at god knows what as another boy was trying to get him to stand. Tall, brunette, covered in tattoos and piercings.
Bartemius Crouch Jr. -- the bane of his existence.
Barty had to practically lift Regulus to get him standing, letting the smaller boy lean into him as he found his balance. "C'mon, Reggie," Crouch said, an amused grin on his face as Regulus only giggled harder at how he'd almost fallen on his face before falling into Barty instead. Sirius had felt the pang of something jealous, possessive even, as the nickname fell from his lips. "Time to go home."
"Did we finish the movie?" Regulus asked, still giggling as he tipped his head back to look up at the taller boy.
"About forty minutes ago," Crouch answered, his grin growing with a hint of fondness.
"Oh...yeah."
Sirius had very promptly turned and left once he had Regulus in his arms, leading him down to the car. It was a hassle, getting Regulus down the stairs. He kept tripping, and then giggling while Sirius was having heart palpitations thinking about having to bring his brother to the emergency room high because he'd fallen and cracked his head open. Lowering Reggie into the car without dropping him on his ass on the pavement had been another challenge, but Sirius had done it. After buckling him in and double checking that he had his phone, wallet, and keys, Sirius had gotten back into the driver's seat. Regulus had promptly closed his eyes as his head rested on the window. The only reason Sirius knew he was awake was because he kept giggling at random times.
"Who?" Regulus asked, his voice slurred and sleepy. "Evan?"
"No, Crouch."
Regulus finally opened his eyes, his brows furrowed as he looked at his brother. "Why don't you like Barty?" he asked, as if the notion genuinely troubled him.
"Because he...I mean...he got you high!" he returned as if it was obvious, one of his hands raising from the wheel to accentuate his point.
Regulus snorted, resting his head against the window again. "Because you've never gotten high before."
"That's different -- it's me," Sirius insisted. He was sure Remus would have something to say about the hypocrisy of it later. If he told him. "You are my little cute innocent baby brother -- you shouldn't be getting high on a week night!"
"So I can get high on the weekends, then?"
"You shouldn't be getting high at all! Especially not with Crouch!"
It was quiet, then. Regulus was looking out the window, his pale face illuminated by the streetlights. His eyes were unfocused, but Sirius could see the thoughts stirring behind them. It was quiet for most of what remained of the drive. It wasn't until they turned onto their street, the apartment in view, that Regulus spoke again. His voice was soft, quiet. So quiet that Sirius almost didn't hear it over the sound of another car passing them in the opposite direction.
"Barty makes me feel safe."
His voice was fond as he said it, sincere beyond any doubt. For a split second, Sirius felt bad for his harsh opinion of the other boy. Because wasn't that what he wanted for his brother -- to have people in his life that made him feel safe? Protected? To speak of with such fondness, and to know without a shadow of a doubt that he could go to when he needed help. Yes, he was jealous of how close he could see they were even from the brief interaction. Yes, he didn't love that Barty was a less than stellar influence on his Reggie. But he could see that there was no getting rid of him. Not if he wanted Regulus to be happy -- and he wanted Regulus to be happy. More than anything in life, Sirius wanted his little brother to be loved and to be happy.
"I still don't like him."
---
"You mean to tell me that you like Catcher in the Rye, but not 1984?"
Regulus shrugged, not looking at Remus as he continued to shelve books. Sirius had suggested that Regulus get a job as the summer went on, not wanting his little brother to spend all of his time around the apartment nor loving that the alternative was hanging out with Barty. Remus had suggested that Regulus talk to the owner of the bookstore he worked at. Regulus had liked the idea, finding it to be a peaceful environment and liking that he got to read whatever he wanted when it wasn't busy. It had been good for rebuilding his friendship with Remus as well. The two of them had a lot in common, and they spent a good amount of time talking about different pieces of literature. Though, sometimes it turned more into debates. Like the one they were having right then.
"It's a bit boring," Regulus stated, grabbing his box and beginning to move to the next section.
Remus scoffed. "And Catcher in the Rye isn't?"
He considered it for a moment, but shrugged again. "Unreliable narrator's are fun. They keep things interesting," he elaborated.
"Interesting is not a word I personally associate with Holden Caulfield," Remus returned readily. "The word sociopath, however --"
"Y'know, Remus, your accent becomes a lot more prominent when you're angry."
"Oh, piss off."
---
"Pads, if you put any more sunscreen on him he's going to become translucent -- and that's saying something. Kid's already pale as fuck."
Regulus cast a glare over at Potter from where he'd been cornered by Sirius. It wasn't even the comment about his fairer complexion that really annoyed him. It was the fact that he agreed with him.
He'd already had his reservations about the road trip to the beach when Sirius first invited him along, saying that it was a tradition and that they had to take advantage of the beautiful summer weather while they could. The only reason he'd agreed was because Sirius said he could invite his friends to come. Regulus will admit, he had asked if that included Barty hoping that his brother's irrational disdain for the other boy would be his out. Much to his dismay, Sirius had begrudgingly agreed. Barty coming did mean, however, that Regulus was able to ride in his car with Evan, Pandora, and Dorcas and set the tone of the day on a more positive note. That tone had been tanked when, as soon as he stepped out of Barty's car, Sirius had accosted him to begin lathering an ungodly amount of sunscreen on any stretch of skin that wasn't covered by his tank top and swim shorts.
"I just don't want him to burn at all," Sirius retorted with a pout, his brows furrowed in concern. He tried to rub some more sunscreen into Regulus' cheeks, the younger boy making a face as he moved to duck away from his hands. "My sweet baby brother with his sensitive, fair complexion."
Barty told Regulus later that he was surprised that Sirius didn't drop dead right there with the amount of venom in Regulus' glare.
"It's all gonna wash off the second he gets in the water anyway, love," Remus pointed out. Despite coming to Regulus' defense, it was clear for anyone to see how thoroughly entertained Remus was by the display. Traitor.
"Lils back me up here," Sirius pleaded, looking at the ginger where she walked over to her boyfriend.
She observed the scene as Potter wrapped an arm around her, subconsciously leaning into his side as she tilted her head in consideration. It was no wonder why he was asking for her to back him up. Along with being one of maybe three of his friends with enough common sense that Regulus would actually consider listening to the opinion of, she was one of the three there who were pale enough that the sun posed a considerable risk. Lily had brought her own special strength sunscreen with her, and Regulus had seen Pandora pull out her wide brimmed sunhat and shawl when they'd first pulled up to the beach.
"I think he's more in danger of getting a rash from the sand sticking to him than a sunburn right now, Sirius," Lily admitted.
"Thank you, Lily," Regulus said, using the fact that his brother was looking at Lily with a look of betrayal to slip away from where he'd been cornered. He walked over to where Barty was holding his bag with an amused grin and mischievous glint in his eye to grab his towel and wipe some of the excess sunscreen off. "If that will be all, I'd like to try having some actual fun on this trip."
"Alright, alright," Sirius conceded, looking back at his brother. Snapping the bottle of sunscreen closed, he walked towards his brother. "Just don't come crawling back to me when it hurts to so much as lift your arm. I won't go out of my way to buy you aloe, and I mean that." Yes he would. Everyone knew that without a doubt in their minds. With that Sirius quickly pressed a kiss to Regulus' cheek, simultaneously slipping the sunscreen into his bag and plopping a sunhat on his head.
"Fuck off," Regulus bit out, ripping the hat off of his head and running a hand through his hair. He glared at the back of Sirius' head as he laughed and walked back to Remus, Barty chuckling next to him as he slung an arm over his shoulder.
"That hat suits you, Reggie," Barty mused, a shit eating grin on his face. "Brings out your beautiful eyes."
"Shut up," he muttered, only making Barty laugh more before nudging him along towards his friends.
The rest of the day ended up passing on a much more pleasant note. He'd managed to spend the first hour or so on the beach under an umbrella with Pandora, both of them reading different books yet still commenting to one another on what their books while music played from the stereo Marlene had packed. Barty and Evan had said something about looking for treasure or catching a crab -- Regulus couldn't remember which, but either sounded like something they'd do -- before running off towards the water, waving off Pandora when she called out to them not to terrorize the wildlife. Sirius, Potter, and Marlene argued for about twenty minutes about whether they broke out the frisbees or volleyball first, and then for another ten about the correct way to throw a frisbee, all the while Peter looked like he was regretting about ten different life choices at once. Lily and Remus joined them under the umbrella after a bit, citing that they needed a break from their boyfriends' more exuberant natures, and they were glad to grant them that sanctuary before said boyfriends realized they'd escaped. At one point Evan returned to their huddle to get a drink, only to sit with them as they took it upon themselves to provide commentary on Marlene's most recent attempts to flirt with Dorcas ("I don't know what's more pathetic -- the fact that Marlene used that line, or the fact that it's working." "I think it's sweet." "And pitiful. Cas used to have so much more self-respect than this."). Potter, in an attempt to show off, tried skimboarding across the stretch of beach in front of them only to fall flat on his face and send all of them into a wave of loud laughter. Sirius and Peter had brushed off their best friend and tried to assure him that it hadn't been that bad, but it was hard with how Remus was just behind them trying to keep his own laughter at bay.
When Barty had eventually returned, with neither treasure nor a crab, he'd dramatically laid himself across Dorcas and Regulus' bodies. While Dorcas had promptly shoved the taller boy off her legs, his head remained in Regulus' lap while he lamented about the hardships of his failed quest. Regulus had listened to his woes with a raised eyebrow and an amused half-smile, his fingers occasionally carding through Barty's wet hair. Their conversation was cut short when Barty was hit with a volleyball that Sirius had "accidentally" hit their direction. Barty got up to throw the ball back to them before loudly declaring that he was going back to the water. Regulus had been ready to go back to talking to Pandora about the painting she had been working on only for Barty to practically throw him over his shoulder to bring him with. While Regulus had put up a fight at first, he hadn't been able to hold back his laughter as Barty jostled him and "accidentally" landed a smack or two on his butt. He'd been nervous about going in the water the entire day. He'd had a fear of drowning ever since he was a small child when his mother had held his head under the water at bath time because he couldn't stop crying about the soap in his eyes. While they waded and splashed in the water, though, Barty kept the fear at bay. He had held his hand the entire time, even when they were only in water up to Regulus' knees. And, when he convinced Regulus to go a little further, he held him through that too.
At the end of the night, sitting on blankets around a bonfire wearing sweatshirts and jumpers and listening to music while they drank and told stories, Regulus couldn't have kept the smile off of his face if he'd tried. Leaning into Barty's side, the boy's arm wrapped around him while his body rumbled with laughter at the stupid argument Peter, Potter, and Sirius were having about how a story from their school days really happened, Regulus felt at peace. He'd keep this thought to himself, but he was happy that he had come.
---
17:23
R.J.L.: Feeling better?
R.A.B.: yeah.
R.A.B.: sorry for freaking out like that. i don't know what happened.
R.J.L.: Nothing to apologize for.
R.J.L.: We all have bad days.
R.A.B.: can you maybe not tell sirius?
R.J.L.: He'd want to know, Reg.
R.A.B.: i know.
R.A.B.: i just don't want him to worry. he shouldn't have to.
R.J.L.: He's your brother. He's always going to worry, whether you want him to or not.
R.A.B.: i know.
R.A.B.: just this once?
R.A.B.: please?
R.J.L.: Just this once.
---
"Why don't you like me, Regulus?"
James Potter had been trying to crack the egg that was Regulus Black for months. Years, even. He knew how much Sirius' little brother meant to him. He remembered him from school as well. He was quiet, reserved, kept to himself a lot. Pads had been so protective of him back then, which naturally meant James was as well. He still remembered the fall Sirius came back to school and gave all of them a stern talk about his little brother being his brother, making sure all of them called him by the right name and being ready to pick a fight at anyone who said otherwise. But, even back then, Regulus had only met his attempts at being friends with unnerving stares and silence. He didn't get it.
Ever since Regulus had moved in with Pads and Moony he'd been trying again to get Regulus to see him as a friend. And oh, did James want to be Regulus' friend.
Regulus knew he was trying. Quite admirably, too. He wasn't thrown off by how Regulus had quite easily made friends with all of Sirius' other friends -- Peter, Fabian, Gideon, Frank, Alice, Marlene, Mary, Lily, all of them but James. He kept on trying, asking Regulus about the books he was reading, the music he was listening to, the shows he was watching. When they'd all come over to watch the Love Island finale James had gone out of his way to talk shit about the couple Regulus hated even though he'd always liked them. Regulus felt a little bad to keep shutting him down, but he wasn't ready. Even as James was at the point of desperation that he was asking Regulus what he was doing wrong, he didn't know what to say.
He wasn't sure how to explain to James he still hadn't forgiven him for taking his brother.
---
It was a bad day.
Regulus forgot where he was.
Then, he forgot how to breathe.
Remus held him through the worst of it.
Sirius was rushing to get home.
They never told him, but Regulus knew they were panicking too.
They were scared he'd try to hurt himself.
He'd done it before.
---
"What can I do, Reggie?"
Sirius' voice was soft, uncertain. So unlike him. They were laying in bed together like when they were children. They had been for hours.
Earlier that evening Regulus had been getting a glass of water when he'd gotten spooked and dropped the glass. As it shattered, Regulus was brought back to Grimmauld. The night he'd broken an antique vase. His mother's crazed screams. The bottle flying at him through the air, shattering on the walls. He could feel the pieces of glass in his skin, the blood running down his face. He could feel how sore he'd been the morning after. He'd curled in on himself, apologizing over and over again, promising to do better, to be better, begging his mother to stop, that he was sorry.
He'd flinched when Sirius pulled him into his protective embrace, but Sirius didn't let go. He'd held him close, carding his fingers through his hair comfortingly and whispering that everything was okay. He wasn't there. She wasn't here. She'd never hurt him like that again.
Regulus had broken down in tears. Rough, ugly sobs that racked his whole body. Sirius had held him through it all.
He'd gone non-verbal again. Sirius took care of him. He brought him to the bathroom, cleaning the cuts he'd reopened on his forearms without realizing it. He'd whispered comforting words when Regulus flinched at the alcohol wipes and bandages. He'd asked Regulus if he'd wanted to go to bed. Regulus nodded. It was all he could really do. After bundling his little brother in soft pajamas and changed into his own, he'd gotten into bed with him. They'd been laying like that ever since, Regulus' head resting where he could hear the steady beat of Sirius' heart in his chest. Sirius continued to hold him, carding soothing fingers through his hair. It made Regulus feel sleepy.
"Be here? With me?" Regulus whispered, his voice vulnerable like that of a child's. "Stay?"
Sirius' arms tightened around him. "Always."
---
Regulus hadn't thought his brother would say yes.
And yet, here they were.
Regulus had always wanted a cat. He remembered the first time he'd asked his parents if he could have one when he was five. His mother had answered with an unequivocal no. He'd asked again when he was eleven. His mother had made sure he'd never ask again.
But Sirius said yes.
And Regulus was certain he was regretting that decision right about now.
Because of course this is the cat that Regulus would bond with right off the bat. The cat was awkward looking, a little scraggly. His ears were a bit too big for his head, his fur a little scratchy. He had a look in his eye like he was plotting your murder at all times. If Sirius had to pick a word to describe the cat's overall look and demeanor, it would be off-putting. He wasn't the only one, either. The shelter worker had been surprised when the cat had walked right up to Regulus in their meeting, nuzzling his hand and moving into his lap. She said that this cat had been in the shelter for almost a year and had yet to like a single person who came to see him. If you asked Sirius, it wasn't a cat. It was a demon who had hissed and swiped at his hand when Sirius tried to pet him, only to begin purring like a freight train the second Regulus began to scratch behind his ear.
He was enamored with Regulus instantly, and anyone could tell from the look in his eyes that the same was true for Regulus.
"You're sure this is the one?" Sirius asked skeptically as they were waiting to sign the final papers, holding a bag of cat food and toys as well as the carrier. Regulus was still holding the cat in his arms as if he was a baby. It was a redundant question. The soft look in his little brother's eyes was answer enough.
The cat reached a paw up at Regulus' face, lightly tapping his cheek with a low purr. Regulus' smile easily reached his eyes.
Kreacher was here to stay, much to Sirius' dismay.
---
"Baby Black!"
Regulus glared at the blonde as he caught sight of her -- in his head, anyway. He figured it wasn't a good idea to get on the bad side of the person who was going to be sticking a needle through his head.
He knew it was pointless as well. The very first time Regulus had met Marlene McKinnon she'd dubbed him "Baby Black" and no amount of protests and glares from Regulus could get her to stop. It was a little impressive, honestly. She was probably the only one of Sirius' friends who was immune to his prickly attitude, never shying away from speaking her mind, never paling when he'd send his best death glares her way. She reminded him a lot of Sirius. He figured that was why they were such good friends.
That didn't mean he was going to just stop trying, of course.
"Don't call me that," he deadpanned, shrugging off the jacket he was wearing as he closed the door to the shop behind him.
Marlene just smiled brightly at him, making her way closer. "Why not?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow at him. "Your last name is Black, you're Sirius' baby brother -- a little on the nose, maybe, but no less accurate." Regulus didn't hold back his look of disdain this time. Marlene just huffed with quiet laughter. "C'mon. Step into my lair. I've been excited for this all week!"
Sirius had asked him a few times since that first shopping trip if Regulus wanted him to set up that appointment with Marlene for him to get a couple piercings. Regulus had said no each time. It wasn't that he was nervous or had changed his mind about wanting more. He wasn't actually sure what it was holding him back...actually, that was a lie. He knew exactly what was holding him back. Or, rather, who was holding him back. It wasn't until the previous Saturday that Marlene had gotten him to agree. Sirius and his friends were going to a pub to watch the EURO Cup final. Dorcas had invited him and their other friends as it would be her first time spending time with Marlene's friends since they'd started dating. Barty had taken one look at Marlene's piercings and tattoos -- having either not noticed on their beach day or simply not cared enough to notice -- before launching into a passionate conversation about the new tattoos he was going to get to piss off his dad. While they were talking about the piercings he wanted to add to his own collection Barty had mentioned how Regulus was wanting to get a few of his own. Marlene had locked onto the younger Black immediately, practically begging him to come to the shop she worked at and let her do them for him. She wasn't swayed by all of the weak excuses he was giving, practically holding him captive there until he agreed.
"Just the seconds today? Or did Barty manage to convince you to get an eyebrow piercing?" she asked as she brought Regulus back to her room. She looked back when she didn't hear him respond, seeing that he was eyeing the room with his jacket on his arm. "Oh -- you can just drop that anywhere." Marlene looked back at her supplies, making sure she had everything she needed at the ready while Regulus quietly folded his jacket over the back of a chair. "So? Just the lobes, or are we jumping off the proverbial cliff?"
"That's a big word -- you learn that from Dorcas?" Regulus teased, unable to help himself. The corner of his mouth ticked upwards as she barked out a laugh. "No matching eyebrow piercings with Barty yet."
"That's unfortunate. He'll be so disappointed."
"He'll get over it," he returned, a hint of fondness coming into his expression. "I was thinking of getting another on my ear, though. I just can't decide between a helix or a daith."
"Lemme look at you." Marlene turned to look at him, her hands raising to hold his face before he could stop her. She moved and tilted his head as she needed to get a better look at her canvas, biting her lip as she visualized the piercings on him. "Either would suit your face, so it's not an issue there. You'd want whichever on the left ear, yeah?" He nodded slightly in confirmation, Marlene nodding as well. "I like the asymmetrical look with piercings. Usually I like to start out and work my way in with people who are new to them. More for pain reasons than anything else. Neither are exactly pleasant, but the daith can hurt like a bitch."
"I don't mind a little pain," Regulus admitted. Pain was normal to him. Familiar. If Regulus was being entirely honest, there was a part of him that craved it.
"So long as you're sure."
After a bit more conversation about the look Regulus wanted and the difference in infection rates, Regulus ended up going with the helix. Marlene was quick and efficient with her work despite talking and joking through the whole process. Walking out of the shop after it was done, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Regulus stopped to look at his reflection. His lobes were still a little red around the star-shaped studs, and the throbbing in his helix seemed to grow as he looked at the piercing and redness that accompanied it. He felt weird, and it wasn't the piercings he had to blame. Rather, it was something deeper in his head. Something that seemed to amplify a familiar voice. He could hear her lecture. He could hear her disdain. He could hear her fury and disappointment. He knew she'd be unhappy with him if she could see how he'd marred his ears. It almost made him reach for his ears to yank the small bits of metal out and beg for forgiveness.
Almost.
---
Regulus was terrified of Euphemia and Fleamont Potter.
Sirius assured him that he shouldn't be -- that they were the nicest people in the world. From what he'd heard, that was certainly the truth. They were two of the most accepting people on the planet, loving and supporting their sons through any and everything. Sirius told Regulus the story of when he came out to them. He'd been so terrified of their reaction, remembering the way Walburga had reacted when she'd found out. He'd been terrified that they'd be upset, that they'd be disgusted, that they wouldn't want someone like him in their house around their son. When he told them, however, they'd hugged him close and told him that they loved him just as he was. They were loving. They were caring. They were engaged. They were everything that their own parents (if Orion and Walburga could even be called that) weren't. Sirius and James were both certain that Euphemia would take one look at Regulus and decide he was one of her boys.
And that terrified Regulus.
Because Euphemia and Fleamont Potter were Sirius' parents. They were his family. Regulus was terrified of messing that up for him. Because that's what Regulus did. He messed things up. He ruined everything he touched. Every semblance of a good thing he'd ever had.
He tried not to think about it as they pulled up to the large yet homey looking estate the Potters called home. He tried not to think about it as he got out of the car, watching the excitement coming off of Sirius in waves as he all but ran to the porch. He tried not to think about it as Sirius opened the door and loudly announced that he'd returned. He tried not to think about it as James' parents greeted them with warm smiles, as Euphemia -- Effie, she insisted -- pulled him into a hug, as Fleamont -- Monty, my boy -- pulled him in as soon as he'd been released from the first hug. He tried not to think about it, but it was all Regulus could think about.
He'd played his part of the shy younger brother well enough in the daylight, doing what he did best and making it seem like everything was fine. He'd been polite. He'd engaged in conversations when warranted and answered questions without dragging the topic on. He'd eaten what was put in front of him despite his desire to push the food around his plate aimlessly. He'd remembered his manners, complimenting Effie's cooking and helping to clear the table once dinner had finished. Once night had fallen, however, he couldn't escape those thoughts. Regulus could barely get any sleep, tossing and turning and waking every hour. Sometime around 04:00, after waking from a nightmare in which his mother starred, he'd given up trying.
He'd sat in the guest room for a while, trying and failing to read the book he'd brought for the drive. After that obviously wasn't going to work, he'd grabbed his phone. He re-read Pandora's last updates on Kreacher, Regulus not wanting to force his cat on the Potters and her being the only one he tolerated enough to be left with. He tried his luck to see if Barty was awake. He wasn't. The thoughts kept coming. Even listening to music wasn't enough to drown them out. Eventually, Regulus began to become stir crazy. He needed to get out of there. Needed to do something other than lay there waiting for Sirius to wake up. He remembered the shelves lining the Potters' sitting room, all of the books that were there, the titles he'd caught glimpses of. Maybe that would do it.
He crept soundlessly through the house and down the stairs, not wanting to disturb anyone else's sleep, only to find he wasn't the only one awake.
"Regulus?"
He stopped as Effie Potter's warm, slightly concerned voice came from the kitchen. He hadn't even noticed the light on in there. He shifted paths, stopping in the doorway of the large kitchen to see her sitting at the breakfast nook. Her brow was pulled slightly as she took in the young boy.
"Is everything alright, dear?" she asked. It pained Regulus to hear how genuine the concern in her tone was.
"Yes," he answered, wincing internally at how rough his voice sounded. "Just..."
"Trouble sleeping?" she filled in, her expression shifting into one of understanding. He nodded wordlessly. "Would you like a cup of tea, dear? I was just waiting on the kettle." He turned his head, seeing said kettle on the stovetop. He nodded again, moving once he got her silent suggestion to sit down at the table with her.
The pair sat in silence for a moment. "I'm sorry if I woke you," he finally began, his voice less rough but still painfully pathetic.
Effie grinned at him, amused. "Hardly," she assured him. "My pager did that. Came down here to call into the hospital so I wouldn't wake Monty. At this hour I'm afraid there wouldn't have been much point in going back to bed, so I decided to have a nice cup of tea before getting started on breakfast." Regulus nodded slightly, not knowing what to say. Effie's grin softened, her body turning more towards Regulus. "I understand this is all difficult, dear," she continued kindly. "Seeing you sitting across from me now...brings me back to the early days with Sirius, right after he left that place. He couldn't sleep much either."
"It's...hard to explain," Regulus started lamely, looking down at his hands. He was trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to, but he was never very good at speaking. That was always Sirius' forte.
It seemed like Effie knew that, waiting patiently for Regulus to find the words. She didn't press him at all, didn't try to make him speak. When the kettle started to whistle she got up, preparing two cups of tea. She set one of them in front of Regulus before re-taking her spot at the table. The two of them sipped their tea in silence until, finally, he found the words he was looking for.
"I still...hear them," he admitted weakly, looking down at the dark liquid in his cup. He traced the rim lazily with one of his fingers, swallowing the lump building in his throat. "Feels like I never left, really. All the time, I just..." Forcing the courage, he looked at Effie. She was looking right back at him with warm hazel eyes. Something about the look made him want to cry. "How long will it be like this?" he asked -- no, pleaded. His voice barely anything more than a whisper. "When will they go away?"
"I'm afraid they won't ever go away. Not truly," Effie admitted, her eyes sympathetic. "There are days when Sirius still hears them, everything they ever said to him. Not that he says anything. But I can see it. A mother always can." Regulus thought back to his own mother, then. If that was true, then she could see what she was doing to her sons every day. She could see that she was killing them bit by bit, slowly but surely. But she didn't change. She didn't try to comfort them. If anything, she seemed to enjoy the pain she caused them. She didn't care about them. She didn't love them. "The trick, I think, isn't in making them go away," Effie continued, pulling Regulus from the recesses of his own mind. "It's in finding the ways of proving them wrong. Not to them -- that wouldn't do you any good. Your family isn't the type to accept any kind of implication that they're wrong about anything. No, darling. It's in proving to yourself that they're wrong."
"What if they're not wrong?" Regulus asked, afraid. Effie tilted her head slightly in a silent question. "What if they're not wrong about me?"
"Oh, my dear," Effie started, pained. "I won't pretend to know everything they've ever said to you, or made you think about yourself. But, if you're anything like Sirius has been telling us for years, I can say with absolute certainty that they were wrong. About quite a lot, I'd wager."
Regulus averted his gaze, looking down at his tea again as pressure began to build behind his eyes. It was too much. She was too much. Too kind, too maternal, too genuine. Too much like what Regulus had spent his entire childhood praying and wishing on every star in the sky for. He didn't know how to deal with that. Didn't know how to receive that kind of love. Effie seemed to know that. She moved on.
"It's a couple hours before the others will be waking up for breakfast. I was thinking of making some use of those bananas there," she continued, nodding her head at a very brown looking bunch of bananas on the counter. "Monty always swears he'll eat them before they go brown, but he never does." Fond amusement began to come back to her tone as she spoke about her husband. "Still, there are ways to keep them from going to waste. I was thinking about making banana bread to go with breakfast, or maybe muffins instead. What do you think?"
Regulus thought about it. "Bread," he decided.
"Good choice -- the muffins can be a bit tricky. They always seem to stay a bit mushy in the middle." Regulus chanced a look at her, the older woman grinning at him. Conspiratorially, as if she was letting him in on a secret. "Would you like to help?"
"I don't think I'll be much help," he admitted. He'd never been very good in the kitchen. He'd never had to be. None of their meals growing up were cooked by them, always by a private chef. "I've never done it before."
"That's no problem. I can show you."
Effie was very patient with him, talking him through every step and stepping back to let him do it when the time came. Regulus hung onto her every word, even as she assured him that no one would care if they weren't perfect. He wanted to learn. He wanted to help her. He wanted her approval. He wanted her love. Regulus realized somewhere between mixing so fast they'd both ended up with batter on their shirts and confusing a teaspoon of nutmeg for a tablespoon that he'd already had it. Sirius and James had been right -- he hadn't even needed to try.
It was refreshing.
---
12:41
S.O.B.: Your DEMON ripped up my shirt
R.A.B.: stop calling him that.
R.A.B.: kreacher isn't a demon. he's perfectly sweet.
S.O.B.: He RIPPED UP my SHIRT!!!
R.A.B.: maybe if you actually washed your clothes more often and didn't leave
them around he wouldn't be attracted to the stench.
S.O.B.: Um...untrue!
S.O.B.: Lies!
S.O.B.: Slander!!!
S.O.B.: That was my FAVORITE SHIRT!!!!!
R.A.B.: which shirt?
S.O.B.: My vintage Queen shirt
S.O.B.: The one Prongs got me last Christmas :(
R.A.B.: kreacher did us all a favour then.
S.O.B.: BITCH
19:59
S.O.B.: Moony said it looks more metal now 🥰
R.A.B.: fucking simp.
S.O.B.: Bitch I swear to god
---
There was a form of peace that only Pandora could bring.
It was something inherent about her -- her aura, as she would say. It surrounded you, masking you in feelings of warmth and comfort and tranquility. It was easy for Regulus to forget abut his problems when she was around. It was as if he could breathe again. It was as if he was alive, enough so for him to focus on the more pleasant aspects of life.
They would gossip -- something about Pandora that many people were surprised about yet Regulus felt made perfect sense -- about people from school, her brother, more absurd members of her extended family, even people whose conversation they'd overheard while they were in public. She would talk to him about Xeno, and he would talk to her about Barty. It was more so him talking about Barty, because oh, what trouble did Barty Crouch Jr. not get into? Some days Pandora would rant to him about a piece she was working on that was being particularly frustrating. The colors weren't mixing right meaning the color of the grass was off. She couldn't find a good model to sit for her, and the people she knew who fit with her vision weren't capable of sitting still long enough for her to properly paint. Evan had went into her studio and somehow smudged black paint on one of her paintings and it's been taking more for her to fix it than she had thought. Regulus would rant to her too. Mostly about Sirius when he was being particularly overbearing. About his frustrations that he was still being plagued by the nightmares. Sometimes just about a plot or character in a book that he found particularly frustrating.
He didn't always know what to say to her when she needed it, but she did. Wise beyond her years, listening to every word, rooting out every last detail he'd tried to leave hidden. Pandora always knew exactly what to say. Always knew exactly how to help.
They didn't always need to talk, though. Some days they would sit together in silence, the only noise between them being the quiet song from a speaker, the scrape of a pencil on a sketchpad, the turning of a page, light thuds as Kreacher played followed by his steady purr. Even without words, it was a comfort to Regulus. Being in her presence, knowing that she was there. Hours of shared, comfortable silence, and then, a hand on his. Small, delicate, yet possessing a type of strength Regulus couldn't even begin to comprehend as his was held within it.
He held her hand tighter whenever he got the opportunity.
He held her hand tight while the other focused on applying a shimmering, dark polish with practiced precision. He wasn't typically one for shimmery polish, but Pandora had been so excited to show him the ones she'd bought online. When she showed him the shimmering black polish with hints of purple and red, wanting to put it on him, he hadn't hesitated to say yes. Regulus was certain he'd do anything if it made Pandora happy.
Her gentle, airy voice carried through the room like music to his ears as she told him about the new seeds Xeno had bought to plant in his greenhouse. A kind flower that did better in a warmer climate, but he was optimistic that he could successfully help them grow. She'd been a little skeptical herself, but then she did her own research on the species and felt confident in her boyfriend's abilities.
When Sirius got home from work a couple hours later they had moved to the couch in the living room, Dead Poets Society playing on the screen. He'd smiled at the sight of them, coming over and taking a moment to ask about their day, inform them of the drama of his. They'd politely declined his offer to grab them snacks, yet five minutes later he'd returned with popcorn and Reg's favorite sparkling juice before dropping himself into the free chair to watch the movie with them while Todd was chasing Neil around their room trying to get his notebook back. Sirius talked through a lot of the movie. He tried to convince them that he would be Charlie. Regulus didn't exactly disagree with him, but he still told him with his chest that he would be Richard Cameron just to punish him for talking so damn much. He tried not to grin when Pandora voiced her agreement with his assessment, Sirius being properly offended to the extent that he left the room. Remus asked Regulus later why he'd been bombarded with frantic texts from Sirius about whether he was Charlie or Cameron.
Even when the movie reached Neil's final performance -- a scene sure to make Regulus cry every time -- there was a part of him that felt well and truly at peace. He squeezed Pandora's hand. He'd been holding it the entire movie. She squeezed back.
---
Regulus couldn't stop thinking about the pack of razors in the bathroom cabinet.
Whenever the thoughts came, he would call Sirius or Remus. But Sirius and Remus were out on a date. It was the first date they'd been able to go on in a while with their work schedules and all of the other stuff going on in their lives. They'd sacrificed so much freedom in their lives since taking him in. He wanted them to have this. To have a nice night just to themselves. To have a night to be in love without being worried about Regulus.
And here he was, resisting the urge to hurt himself.
He didn't want to call his brother. He didn't want to call Remus. He didn't want to call anyone. It had been so long since he'd had thoughts like these. It had made Sirius so happy to know that he was doing better. They hadn't made a big deal of it, but Regulus knew that they were relived he'd gotten to a point where they didn't have to hide the razors anymore. He didn't want to admit to them that he'd backslid this much. That seeing their uncle's picture attached to an article on his phone had been enough to make him backslide this much. That seeing their uncle's picture was enough to bring back the memory of the way he'd looked at Regulus at his parents' parties. That seeing their uncle's picture was enough for him to feel his hands lower than they should have been, to hear his voice in his ear.
You look so lovely tonight, Regina. You've grown up so much, haven't you.
He got up to get the razors. He paced around his room.
He got up to get the razors. He sat with Kreacher, scratching behind his ears and using the teaser toy Pandora got him.
He got up to get the razors. He rearranged the way he had his books organized. Three times.
He got up to get the razors. He walked out into the hallway. He walked to the kitchen for a glass of water.
He got up to get the razors. He buried his face into his pillow and screamed.
He got up to get the razors. He was running out of ways to keep himself distracted. He was running out of reasons in his head to keep him from doing it. He didn't want to call anyone. He didn't want to bother them. He didn't want to burden them. He didn't want to go anywhere. He didn't trust himself behind the wheel. He picked up his phone.
"I don't want to be alone right now."
When Sirius and Remus got home it was around one in the morning. Sirius looked in on Reggie to make sure he was getting some sleep. He saw his brother and Barty curled up in bed together, fast asleep with Kreacher at their feet. Barty had an arm around Regulus, holding him securely while Reggie's head was resting on his chest. He closed the door, deciding to let them be and save his dramatics for the morning. He was civil when Barty and Regulus emerged from his room around mid morning, whispering amongst themselves while Regulus took a seat at the counter and Barty went to the fridge to grab orange juice and yogurt. He bit his tongue when Barty drank straight from the bottle, but his eyes spoke a thousand words. He was ready to go off on the other boy when Regulus stepped away to refill Kreacher's food bowl. He never got the chance.
He listened when Barty quietly suggested they move the razors. Just for a week or two.
He acted like he wasn't forcing back tears when Regulus came back into the kitchen and started eating his yogurt again.
---
Remus Lupin was a quiet man. A gentle giant.
Except for when he wasn't -- and oh, what a jarring experience that was for Regulus.
He knew Remus was protective, of course. He'd seen the careful way he would watch Sirius when they were out and his brother got a bit too drunk. He'd seen the hardened stare and silent threat whenever someone would look at them too long with a bit too much disgust or judgement in their eyes. He'd heard the bitter bite under his words when he would tell off some guy making one of the girls feel uncomfortable in the pub. He'd felt how firmly Remus held onto him on the bad days when Regulus' mind begged him to hurt himself. It didn't surprise Regulus that Remus Lupin was protective of the people that he loves. What surprised him was how far he was willing to go when pushed close enough to the edge.
The two of them were working, Remus ringing up a customer's purchase while Regulus stocked shelves with their latest batch of donated books. He was vaguely aware of the door of the shop opening, the chime of the bell filling the quiet space. A fresh burst of cold went through the shop. There'd been a chill to the air recently. One that sent Remus back into the arms of the knit jumpers he loved and Regulus into more layers than he wanted to admit. He could hear the sound of people walking up and down the aisles. He didn't think anything of it. It was normal. It was a shop. People were meant to come in. People were meant to peruse the shelves for books. Regulus kept shelving books in their spots. It was a normal day at work. Until the moment that it wasn't.
"Regina Black."
He could feel his blood run cold, his heart skip more than a single beat, his throat constrict. Not just at the name. As tragic as it was, he'd gotten used to people calling him by it a long time ago. Being called by his true name by all the people in his life was still a relatively recent phenomenon, one he was still getting used to all these months later. No, the thing that truly shook him was the familiar voice speaking the name. He finished shelving the book he had been before the interruption, trying to hide the slight tremor of his hand as he returned it to his side. He turned his body towards the voice, and there he saw him.
Malcolm Mulciber. Next to him, Severus Snape. Both of them looked painfully similar to how he remembered them. Unkempt hair, oily and spotted complexions, unpleasant expressions branded to their faces, which were further marred by an unwarranted smugness, equally unwarranted air of superiority wafting off of them like a bad odor. In Mulciber's eyes was another familiar sight -- a glint. One that he had learned a long time ago hardly ever preceded anything good.
"Thought you'd died -- the way your parents talk about you, anyway," Mulciber continued, slowly stalking closer. The closer he got, the clearer he could see the look in his eyes. Mulciber eyed him like a plaything. Like a year seven he could torment and walk away unscathed. As if he were prey. "But here you are, of all places." Mulciber looked around, a slight sneer spreading across his expression. As if this place was beneath him. As if the idea of purchasing books another person had owned disgusted him. "I think death would actually be the better option."
"And yet, here you are," he deadpanned. It was alarmingly easy for him to slip back into old habits -- schooling his features, giving nothing away. He hoped he wasn't too out of practice. That Mulciber couldn't hear the harshness of his heartbeat, couldn't see the tremble of his hand, couldn't smell the aggravating fear of the unknown. "Obviously not expecting to find me here either. What, Mulciber? Daddy's money not what it used to be?"
Mulciber sneered at him again, his eyes flashing with anger. "Because you'd know all about daddy's money," he shot back. "I wonder what your daddy will say when I tell him that his daughter is scraping by to make ends meet in a place like this." The threat was clear -- after all, subtlety was never Mulciber's strong suit. He'd taken a few too many balls to the head on the pitch to be able to properly understand the concept.
Snape was aware of it too. He stayed silent, though, as he had during the years they'd been at school together and Mulciber set his sights on the younger Black. Snape didn't care for him much. There were other places he preferred to focus his aggravation.
"Everything alright, Regulus?"
Oh, and here's one of them now.
Regulus didn't turn -- didn't dare take his eyes off of Mulciber -- but he could picture Remus perfectly just by the way Snape's expression shifted. Standing at the other end of the aisle of stacks, arms crossed leisurely across his chest, leaning against one of the shelves as he kept an eye on them, appearing to everyone like he was unbothered by whatever was happening, unthreatening in his soft jumper and relaxed posture, while the hardened look in his eyes told a different story. Appraising the situation in front of him, locating all the present danger with a practiced ease, ready to act if the situation depended on it. Remus Lupin, poised to attack any perceived threat to his family. And, if the mocking tone of Mulciber's laugh was anything to go off of, the threat was very tangible.
"'Regulus'?" Mulciber questioned, his eyebrows raised, his eyes alight with malicious glee, his wicked smile revealing yellowing teeth. More laughter followed. "God! I thought that was just gossip like the kind that followed after Sirius and Andromeda ran off. Don't tell me you've actually got some delusion that you're a boy, Regina." Mulciber laughed again, a bitter, ugly sound that sent a chill down his spine.
He felt Remus' presence growing closer at his back before he heard the steady, heavy steps. A moment later Remus was beside him -- no, not beside him. It wasn't very noticeable, but Remus was a half step in front of him, placing himself between the two of them. "If anyone here is suffering from delusions, I think we can all agree that it's you," Remus spoke, a hardness beginning to ebb at his tone. A warning, a threat. An attempt to restrain himself. "After all, you must be delusional if you think your -- rather bigoted -- opinion matters any. To Orion Black, or to Regulus."
"This doesn't concern a half-breed like you, Looney," Snape snapped, his expression contorting further into a sneer. Regulus couldn't imagine his face could get any more unappealing to the eyes.
"And I'm disappointed in you, Snivellus," Remus countered without hesitation, hand over his heart as if he was genuinely disappointed in his actions. "One would think you'd have the capability to find some new material to use in the years since we graduated. And I thought we got past this whole 'half-breed' nonsense back in year nine after Binns made you write that essay on the entire history of Wales. I mean, we're not that bad." If the situation were different, Regulus probably would have laughed. Both at Remus' taunts, and at how red Snape's face was becoming. "Now, while it's been lovely catching up with you, I'm going to kindly ask you to leave." Mulciber glared at both of them, taking a defiant step closer, and then another. Remus stepped between them before he could get much closer, looming over the other boy with a tense jaw and a darker look in his eyes. "I asked you once. Nicely," Remus stated, his voice low, even, threatening. "Don't make me ask you again."
Mulciber sneered up at him defiantly. "One freak protecting the other, is it? How pathetic. How does she expect anyone to see her as a man when she can't even stand up for herself. I can't wait to tell the Blacks where she's rotting. How long do you think it will take once they start in on her -- her parents, her uncle, Bellatrix, maybe? How much sense do you think they'll have to beat into her before she accepts the truth that she's poor, weak, helpless little Regina Black, jus--"
Whatever vitriol Mulciber had left to spew was cut short by Remus' fist colliding with his jaw. And then again. And then the other fist with his nose.
Regulus had never seen Remus like this -- wild, untamed, driven by a pure, animalistic rage. He was like a blur of movement, each one culminating in another pained noise from Mulciber, another bruise to be formed, another crack as bone was pushed to the breaking point. Mulciber went down, but Remus didn't let up. He followed him to the ground, on top of him now as he pummeled him into the ground. Gone was the gentle giant who made Regulus tea and read with him in the early hours of the morning when sleep seemed like a vague memory. In his place was a wolf protecting his own, undeterred by any thought of consequence, determined to see the threat eliminated. Snape snapped out of his shock, attempting to move forward to push Remus off. Remus was the one to shove him back with ease, continuing his assault.
Regulus didn't know if he would ever stop. It occurred to Regulus suddenly that Remus could kill Mulciber if he wanted to. While Regulus surely wouldn't mourn the loss of a bigot like him, he didn't want to see Remus go to prison either.
"Remus," he spoke, his voice quiet as it forced itself through the tightness that had lodged itself into his throat. Remus continued to beat Mulciber to a pulp. He hadn't heard him. He forced his voice to be stronger. "Remus."
The Welsh man stopped mid punch, looking behind him at Regulus. Their eyes met. They didn't have to say anything. Remus knew exactly what Regulus was trying to tell him. He pulled himself back from Mulciber's body, pausing only to wipe his bloody knuckles on the dark fabric of the boy's pants. When he stood, taking a couple steps back towards Regulus, he turned his hard gaze to Snape. "Get him up," he spoke, his tone not leaving any room for argument. Complexion looking more ghastly, Snape moved quickly to get his friend up from the floor. Remus watched with that same cold, unfeeling gaze as he struggled to get Mulciber off the ground. He had no remorse in his eyes seeing how Mulciber had to be all but carried. Remus didn't speak until Snape had found his balance, wanting to be sure both of them were listening.
"Do I need to ask you again?"
It was almost comical how quickly -- how frantically -- Snape shook his head.
Remus nodded once, his jaw still tense. "Remember this. If you ever come back here, if you ever so much as think of making any trouble for Regulus, I want you to remember this moment. I want you to remember that I asked nicely, and I only ask once." Remus stalked closer to the other boys, Snape flinching. Almost cowering. Remus paid it no mind. He kept walking until he was standing right in front of them, a looming shadow. Snape didn't dare look away, didn't dare say a word. Remus briefly looked at Mulciber's bloody and beaten state before his eyes met Snape's again. "Now kindly get the fuck out of my shop."
Snape had needed no further instruction, having to practically drag Mulciber's weight with him. Remus walked them to the door, shutting it firmly behind them. He watched until Snape turned the corner off the road. Once they were out of sight, he locked the door and flipped the sign to closed.
Hearing the click of the lock seemed to snap Regulus out of whatever dissociative state he'd entered. All at once it came rushing at him. He couldn't breathe. His head was spinning. His heart was beating too fast. His legs buckled, his weight dragging him downward. He was caught by a pair of strong arms.
"Easy, Reg," Remus spoke, his voice soft. So soft, so caring. So different to how it had sounded less than five minutes ago. "I've got you."
Remus helped lower him to the ground, helped him situate himself in a good position. He lowered himself in front of Regulus. He held Regulus' hand to his own chest, encouraging him to copy his breathing. He spoke to him, calmly. Assured him that he wasn't dying. Promised him that they were gone and that they weren't coming back. Promised him that he wouldn't have to see his parents, his uncle, Bellatrix again. Promised him that Sirius was safe, that he was at work, that he was going to be home with them later that evening with Indian takeout like they'd decided that morning. He asked Regulus to name things. Five things he could see. Books, shelves, rug, blood, Remus. Four things he could touch. Sweater, floor, cellphone, rings. Three things he could hear. Bowie, space heater, traffic. Two things he could smell. Books -- new thing, no repeats -- detergent, cologne. One thing he could taste. Blood.
Remus sat on the floor with Regulus as he came back to himself, as his breathing steadied and the world stopping spinning. He sat there with him, a silent, comforting presence waiting for the moment Regulus was ready. Once Regulus gave him permission to touch him Remus helped him to stand. He led him to the back room and directed him to lay down on the old couch there. He knew how tired Regulus got in the after. Regulus closed his eyes. He heard Remus quietly moving around, grabbing things before he left the back room. He smelled the bleach that Remus used to clean the blood that had been left on the floor. He heard Remus come back a little later, quietly stashing the cleaning supplies before settling in the old armchair. He heard the soothing sound of Remus turning a page as he read to pass the time before Regulus was ready to go home.
They went home two hours later. Regulus helped Remus clean his bruised and bloody knuckles, the first aid kit at the shop having not been restocked in a while. They decided to wait to tell Sirius what had happened. They ate Indian takeout for dinner as a family. Sirius regaled them with the dramatic happenings of his day. Remus called Sirius out on his obvious fabrications and exaggerations. Sirius swore every word he said was true, cross his heart and hope to die. Regulus let Remus take the last serving of the lamb vindaloo. Regulus gave him the last piece of garlic naan too. They were a family. They were happy, at least for a little while.
They told Sirius about Snape and Mulciber together, a couple hours later. They kept Sirius from storming out of the apartment to track them down and pass along a message of his own. They assured him that Remus had handled it.
Regulus never saw either of them again.
---
14:20
b: Wanna come over n 🍃🌿 2nite?
Reggiekins: No.
Reggiekins: In fact, go ahead and lose my number.
b: Nice try bitch
b: Reggie doesn't use caps at all
Reggiekins: I despise you
b: Ya ya you n my father
b: Now give Regulus his phone back
b: I've gotta date 2 plan 🥵😈
Reggiekins: I'm having a talk with Reggie about his standards
Reggiekins: There's no way he's settling for you
b: Nothin 2 settle 4 w/ this 🍆
Reggiekins: I will murder you and make it look like an accident
b: Can't wait 2 tell ur bf how ur talking dirty 2 me
---
Birthdays were never a big deal in his house.
They were an excuse for his parents to throw a dinner party for their friends. A menu of all the foods he hated presented as all of his favorites. Ignoring the lingering ache in his belly as he ate none of it. They were an excuse to be trussed up in his finest clothes and paraded about before he was, ultimately ignored. He preferred being ignored, in all honesty. It kept people from noticing how he was dying in the outfits his mother forced him to wear. They were an excuse to force him to see family members he'd been avoiding at every turn. An excuse for his uncle to hold him longer than what was appropriate. An excuse for his hands to wander, and his touch to linger. Of the few presents he received, most were practical in nature. No toys, no trinkets, nothing that could distract him from his responsibilities. The others he never opened. They weren't anything meant for him anyway.
Regulus didn't expect this birthday to be any different. He should have known, though. He wasn't dealing with the Blacks anymore. He was dealing with Sirius. He was dealing with Fleamont and Euphemia Potter. And, apparently, birthdays with the Potters were a very big deal.
For the first time since he was a child, Regulus woke up on the morning of his birthday to Sirius jumping on his bed and rambling excitedly about him being eighteen. After an involuntary (no, Regulus did not lean into his brother's touch, he did not enjoy it, forget this misinformation or risk being sued for slander) cuddle session and laments about how quickly he was growing up, Sirius had jumped from the bed and excitedly told him to get dressed and come downstairs because Effie had made him a proper birthday breakfast. Sure enough, when he entered the kitchen he saw an array of all his favorite breakfast foods spread out across the table. It was a spread that rivaled the one Effie had made for Christmas morning a few days prior.
A twinge of guilt filled Regulus remembering how little time had passed since Christmas. He'd helped Effie with the food prep for Christmas, but she did all of this herself. Effie and Monty had already given him so much for Christmas -- more than he'd been expecting. More than he could have ever asked for. He hoped they didn't go to too much trouble for something as silly as his birthday.
Effie and Monty didn't give him any sign that it was troublesome to them. They smiled brightly at him, hugging him warmly before guiding him to the table where his brother, Remus, Lily, and James were already sitting and waiting to tuck in. They made sure he got everything he wanted before letting Sirius and James get at the food, the bottomless pits they were when it came to Effie's cooking. They treated it like any other day, and yet they didn't. "Any other day" for a birthday back in Grimmauld meant cold, biting silence, his parents ignoring his existence in favor of talking about the associates and society guests they'd be hosting that night. Regulus' existence wasn't ignored by the Potters. They spoke to him as they always did, with a genuine interest and care for how he was feeling and how he wanted to spend the day that had him wanting to cry. Sirius and James were themselves, joining in on any conversation they could and then bickering like an old married couple because they'd found something to disagree on. At one point Regulus was sure he'd seen Remus and Lily exchange a look wondering why their boyfriends didn't just marry each other.
As breakfast was coming to a close -- Sirius almost tripping over his chair to help clear up after Regulus started to get up to do so himself -- Monty told Regulus that he'd gotten tickets for that afternoon to see a local production of A Midsummer Night's Dream. They'd talked about the play on Regulus' last visit with Sirius. He'd said that he'd liked the book well enough, but thought he'd need to see a stage production to get the full magic. He hadn't realized Monty would remember. He took a drink of his tea to hide how close he was to crying in the breakfast nook.
Monty had gotten four tickets for him, Regulus, Remus, and Lily. Sirius and James had put up a fuss about not being invited before Effie had cuffed the pair on the back of their heads and reminded them that they had promised to help her with something. Regulus was silently glad. He had no doubt that they'd get bored twenty minutes in and start getting antsy, or ask so many questions about what was happening at what they thought was a whisper that he wouldn't be able to enjoy the show. He'd had a couple hours to emotionally decompress after breakfast and change into something more put together before the four of them were off into town to get a light lunch before the show. The play was everything he'd hoped it be, and after it was over Monty took them to a nearby bakery. Regulus tried to pay for his own pastry, but Monty wouldn't hear of it. The four of them talked about the show as they ate their sweet treats. He thought they'd go home after that. Monty surprised him again, directing them to the bookstore Regulus had thought he'd been eyeing subtly whenever they'd go into town his last few visits. Monty didn't let any of them pay for a thing there either.
Regulus thought that would be it for birthday celebrations. It wasn't even 19:00, and it had already surpassed any and every birthday he'd ever had. It was all a bit overwhelming, truly. Then they walked in the front door of the Potter home, and all of his friends were waiting for him.
Regulus took one look at everything -- the decorations, the fresh spread of food and baked goods, his friends smiling faces. He really did start crying that time. He felt Remus' firm, comforting hand on his shoulder. Lily hugged him from the side and pressed a kiss to his cheek. He looked at Monty. The older man was grinning at him with nothing but pure love in his eyes, wordlessly telling him that he deserved this. He deserved to be celebrated. He deserved to have his friends there to celebrate with him. Regulus bit back the urge to cry harder as he gladly accepted Monty's firm hug.
He decided not to fight it anymore.
He had fun. He talked and laughed and danced when Evan grabbed his hand to pull him out into the center of the living room and opened more presents than he knew what to do with. He let himself be clingy, with his friends and his brother and his family. He ate the food that Effie had set out without having to sneak it, without having to worry about mean comments about his figure. He enjoyed himself. He didn't spend the night looking for an escape. He didn't need an escape. Not here. Not with them.
At the end of the night, sitting at the kitchen table with Barty on one side and Sirius on the other, his family singing him happy birthday as Effie brought out a decorated cake with eighteen candles glowing bright, Regulus was certain it was the best birthday he'd ever had. He'd told Effie and Monty as much in a quiet moment as the others were setting up the family room for a movie and gathering even more snacks, his voice quiet and his eyes shining with unshed tears. Effie held him close. Her voice was unwavering as she assured him that he didn't have to thank them. Not for this. Not for anything. They'd done it because they wanted to. They'd done it because they loved him. That it was only the first of many times they'd spoil him if given the opportunity.
It was the first of many great birthdays with his family.
---
The pub was busy.
It was New Year's Eve, so of course it was busy. Regulus' nights out with his friends had regularly turned into nights out with Sirius' friends as well since Dorcas and Marlene had started dating. It wasn't so bad. He got along with them well enough, and he had his people there as an escape if he needed one. Plus Remus, Lily, and Mary if Barty and Evan's energy had them doing way too many shots. Naturally, in the spirit of the new year, they did just that.
Regulus was coming back from the toilet when he spotted James alone at a table, drinking a much needed water and watching Sirius drag Remus up with him and Marlene for karaoke with a bright smile. He stopped for a moment, thinking for a moment. He decided it was time he do something. In the spirit of the new year.
He walked over to the table and sat in the empty spot next to James. The other boy tried to hide the surprise in his eyes when he realized who had sat down next to him. He tried to play it cool. Tried being the key word.
"Alright, Reg?" he asked, a kind grin on his face. Anyone else, Regulus would have thought they were just asking to be nice. Not James, though. James genuinely cared. That was one thing he could never doubt.
"Yeah, I'm alright," he answered.
The song Sirius had chosen for him, Remus, and Marlene started playing. Bowie. They must have picked it to appease Remus. The two of them looked to the small stage. They watched their friends sing their drunken hearts out. Remus took another shot as the song was starting, but even then he had a look in his eye like he was waiting for an escape. James hooted and hollered in support of his friends, shouting something about them being a trio of sexy motherfuckers that had Marlene cackling halfway through the second verse and Remus glaring clear across the pub. Sirius just blew a kiss and continued singing his heart out. Regulus couldn't help the grin that broke out across his face at the sight. Especially when the song ended and Marlene dedicated the performance to one Euphemia Potter, causing James to flip her the bird.
In the lull between people going up for karaoke, Regulus felt at peace there. Sitting with James, neither of them having to say anything. It's how he knew it was finally time. It's how he knew he was ready.
"You're alright too, James."
James turned quickly to look at him, his hazel eyes wide, bright even in the low light of the pub. He didn't ask any questions about Regulus meant. Didn't ask him to elaborate. He knew what Regulus meant. He didn't need him to elaborate.
Regulus wasn't sure he'd ever seen James Potter smile so bright.
---
The mother hen in Sirius came out in full force once Regulus had his top surgery.
Remus liked to tease that it was the Effie Potter in him, and Sirius couldn't say he was wrong. Since he'd gotten home from the hospital earlier that week he'd been diligent to keep to the recovery plan. He changed Regulus' bandages, emptied his drains, fluffed his pillows, helped him with everyday tasks, and brought him everything he would want or need so that all Regulus had to worry about was resting and cuddling with that monstrosity of a cat. Regulus had gotten a little annoyed by his "smothering" by the third day of recovery, but Sirius saw that evil glint in his eye whenever he'd come in to empty Kreacher's litter box -- something he swore he'd never do. Sirius even swore that little demon had smirked at him after leaving an especially horrific scene behind, even though Remus assured him that cats can't actually smirk.
After the first week Regulus had been able to do a bit more on his own. He'd gotten his drains removed at his followup appointment and was advised to start doing some light exercise, but he was still supposed to rest. Sirius had nearly had a heart attack watching Regulus try to pick up Kreacher from his dresser, even though Regulus had insisted that Kreacher was barely 4 kilos. He'd gotten more than one new scratches taking the demon from Regulus' arms, but he wasn't going to apologize for it. His friends started coming over more after the first week, too. Sirius had been too worried to let them most of the first week, worried things would get rowdy and Regulus would get hurt somehow with his drains or his incision sites.
There certainly wasn't a reason that the only ones he'd "okay"d that week were Pandora and Dorcas. No deeper reason at all.
Once the drains were out and he'd lost his main reasoning for keeping them out, Sirius became very familiar with the sight of Regulus' friends. They were there every day in various combinations and intervals. But it made Regulus happy to have his friends around. They filled him in on all of the gossip he'd missed that had been too crazy to just text. They brought things to keep him entertained like movies and card games and books for him to read after they'd left for the night. Even when he was tired, he wouldn't say anything until Pandora stopped letting him ignore it. Sirius liked Pandora. He could see that she cared, and she was scarily good at reading Reggie. At reading both of them, really. It was a bit unnerving, but Sirius respected the ability.
Sirius still didn't like Barty.
The first day he'd come over since the operation, one of the first things Sirius heard from him was how hot his baby brother was looking. He hadn't shut up about how sexy the scars were until Sirius had finally had enough and all but stormed off to the kitchen. Crouch had only laughed loudly, calling out to Sirius to bring them some snacks. After a good amount of sulking and muttering and reminding himself that he couldn't kill Crouch without risking Regulus never speaking to him again, he had come in with snacks and Reggie's anti-inflammatory. By that point, Barty and Regulus were laying in bed together. Barty was tracing Regulus' scars with his eyes, talking quietly about different tattoo ideas if he decided he didn't like the look of them after they'd healed. Reg was looking at the other boy with a fond look in his eyes and the ghost of a grin on his lips. He raised a hand to card his fingers through Barty's hair, the taller boy practically preening at the touch. He'd stayed long enough to make sure Regulus took his medicine and then left them with their snacks. In the couple hours before Evan and Pandora arrived, the latter with homemade soup and a bag of various self care items, the only noise Sirius heard from down the hall was the two boys' quiet laughter.
Now, 10 days post-op, Sirius was on his way back to the apartment. He'd left Regulus in the capable care of Remus so that he could run to the store for some essentials -- Regulus' favorite tea, his favorite candy, chocolates for Rem. He'd only been gone about half an hour, but he was worried that Regulus would try to push himself too much in his desire to gain back some independence. He knew Remus was good at talking sense into people -- hell, Remus had been able to talk Sirius down from some truly stupid ideas in the past -- but he also knew how stubborn his brother could be. He could only handle Regulus because he'd grown up with him. He also knew that Remus was somewhat on Regulus' side as far as the argument that he was a little too overbearing through this process.
As it happened, he had nothing to worry about.
When Sirius got home, the pair of them were in the living room. Remus was sitting on the couch, Regulus resting with his read in his lap as he read to him softly. Regulus was half asleep, Remus subconsciously carding his fingers through Reggie's dark curls in the way he knew Sirius liked. Kreacher was on the the couch, curled up by Remus' head keeping a watchful eye on the situation. Sirius stood there for a moment, watching with a fond grin. He felt warm inside, seeing how comfortable and at peace Reggie was with Remus. Here, in the quiet moment with the two most important people in his life, Sirius felt wholly and truly at home.
---
Regulus was nervous.
A good nervous, but still nervous. Mainly for the reason that he didn't know how Sirius was going to react.
He'd been toying with the idea of getting a tattoo for a while. Barty and Evan were the biggest proponents of him getting one, both of them having no shortage of suggestions of what tattoos he should get. Regulus also noted how many of the tattoos Barty suggested were ones that would match tattoos he had himself. Pandora also a had a lot of ideas for tattoos he could get that were...Regulus didn't want to say more tasteful, but certainly less bold than the ones that Barty and Evan wanted him to get. Once Sirius heard that he was debating the idea of getting a tattoo he'd been immediately supportive. Regulus would have been surprised if he wasn't given the fact that he seemed to come home with a new tattoo every other week. Like his friends, his brother had multiple ideas for tattoos that he could get. Some of them were also tattoos that were matching his own. When Regulus had pointed out to his brother that Barty had also wanted him to get tattoos that would match his own, Sirius hadn't been appreciative of his little brother's attempt to show him how similar they really were.
Regulus liked some of the ideas that his friends and brother suggested, but he wanted his first tattoo to be special. He wanted it to have some deeper meaning to it. And that was why he was so nervous for Sirius to see what he'd chosen.
That was part of the reason he'd wanted it to be a surprise -- so he'd have time to mentally prepare himself for his brother to see and so the tattoo wouldn't be as red and irritated when he did. He'd ended up employing Sirius' friends to help make the surprise possible. He'd first approached Marlene when he'd gone back to get a couple more piercings done, telling her his idea and asking if she'd help. After her enthusiastic yes they'd set up the appointment. Once Regulus knew what day he'd be getting the tattoo, he had to find a way to make sure Sirius was occupied so he wouldn't ask questions about where he was or why he was being cagier than normal. James had been his answer there. Still thrilled by Regulus finally agreeing to be his friend, he hadn't asked any questions when Regulus asked him to keep Sirius busy. And, just like that, Sirius and James were going to Manchester for a long weekend after the latter suddenly came into tickets for a Premier League match.
Once that was settled, things ran pretty smoothly. Regulus left for his appointment with Marlene an hour after Sirius said goodbye to him and Remus, his goodbye to his boyfriend making it seem like he was going off to war unsure if he'd ever return rather than Manchester, and hopped in James' car. Getting the actual tattoo had taken less time that Regulus thought it would even with Marlene's usual banter and joking around. Once it was wrapped and he had the care instructions, Regulus was on his way back to the apartment where Remus wanted to see the finished product. He'd had his couple days to let the tattoo start to heal and mentally prepared himself. Now was the day that Sirius was coming home, but Regulus was still nervous.
Sirius sauntered into the apartment with all the pomp and circumstance he usually brought, declaring the torture it had been to go three whole days without seeing Remus' face before snogging him like they were alone...until Regulus coughed to remind him that they, in fact, were not alone. Maybe he should have just walked out of the room, though, because then his older brother's sights were set on him. He'd hugged Regulus tight and regaled him with words of how much he missed his baby brother's scowl and charming demeanor. Regulus had been trying to fight his way out of his brother's hold since he'd first wrapped his arms around him. It wasn't until Sirius began plastering wet kisses on his cheek like a fucking dog that Regulus wrenched himself out of the embrace with a ferocity that had Sirius cackling and claiming that the resemblance between him and Kreacher was becoming more apparent every day. He tried to go back in for more when he saw the murderous glare Regulus sent him while wiping off his cheek.
Maybe it wasn't too late to get the tattoo removed, Regulus thought. Or maybe Marlene could think of some creative way to cover it.
The three of them ate dinner together, hearing all about Sirius' weekend away with James before he wanted to know how they'd possibly entertained themselves while he was away. Regulus told Sirius about how he ended up spending the night at Barty's after movie night just to wipe that smug little smirk off of his face. Sirius looks equal parts disgusted and scandalized before attempting to tell Regulus that he was forbidden from seeing Barty for the hundredth time. Remus promptly changed the topic to the movie he'd gone to see with Lily and Mary. Conversation continued until, finally, the moment came for Regulus to tell his brother what he'd done.
"I got a tattoo this weekend." Straightforward. To the point. No room for him to mess it up.
Sirius' face lit up in surprise before shifting to excitement. "Oh my god! Are you serious?"
"No, you're Sirius," Remus interjected without looking up from his phone, Regulus scoffing out a low chuckle that had the taller boy's lips quirking in amusement.
Sirius didn't acknowledge the overused pun. He was too excited. Then he realized something, and his expression shifted to outrage and betrayal. "You got your first tattoo withoutme? I wanted to go with you! Introduce you to the fine world of body art!"
"Think Barty beat you to that one, Pads," Remus cut in again. Regulus was silently glad that he was there -- a third party to help ease any tension and nerves.
His interjection, however, seemed to make Sirius realize something as he started up once again. "Reggie, if Barty was with you when you got your first tattoo I swear --"
"Barty didn't go with me," Regulus assured his brother, tired yet amused. "It was just Marlene and me."
"Considering Marlene, it's basically as if you were there with him," Remus added, shooting his boyfriend a sarcastically sweet grin.
His older brother huffed dramatically, still acting as if he was being deprived of something. "That's acceptable, I suppose." All at once, the feigned annoyance went away and the excitement returned tenfold. "Well? Show me! I wanna see what you got!"
Regulus took a deep breath, mentally steeling himself before beginning to slip off his jacket. He'd worn a short sleeved shirt to make the reveal easier, but he hadn't wanted Sirius to see it too soon. Once the jacket was off, he turned in his seat so that Sirius could see the tattoo on the outside of his upper right arm. The position gave him a couple advantages. He wasn't facing Sirius, meaning that Sirius couldn't see how hid mask had slipped. He couldn't see how nervous he really was for his big brother's opinion on his first tattoo.
It also meant that he couldn't see Sirius' face when he saw the tattoo -- realized what it was. The careful lines mapping out Canis Major, his brother's star the most prominent in the constellation, with the initials S.O.B. resting right under.
He couldn't see Sirius' reaction. He couldn't read too much into whatever he saw in his brother's expression. He couldn't try to figure out his opinion. As it was, and as his brother often was, he didn't have to wait very long to find it out.
"That is...sick!"
Sirius was out of his chair and rounding the table quickly, carefully taking hold of his younger brother's arm to take a closer look. When Regulus turned his head to look at Sirius, his brother's eyes were tracing on the ink. The look in them could only be described as pure joy and excitement. His eyes moved to Remus. He was watching the brothers with a fondly amused expression, eyes soft and hint of a warm grin on his lips. His eyes met Regulus', and the look he gave the younger boy was silently asking if he was really all that surprised. Regulus felt like he could breathe again.
"Reggie!" Sirius exclaimed before moving to hug his younger brother tight. Regulus let him this time, leaning into the touch and returning the hug with the arm not held captive between their chests. "Look at that! I can't believe -- it looks amazing!"
Regulus raised an eyebrow at the slight waver to his brother's voice. He felt his chest shuddering slightly against him. "Are you crying?"
"No," Sirius denied, though his voice had become thicker. He pulled back, attempting to wipe away the couple tears that had escaped his still shiny grey eyes before Regulus could see as his eyes went to the tattoo again. He didn't have to see the smirk pulling at Regulus' face to know it was there. "Shut up about it, will ya? My baby brother just got my constellation as his first tattoo -- forgive me if I'm a bit emotional."
"Whatever you say, Siri." His voice was soft as he answered. He may have also been hiding how emotional the reaction was making him. He was just better at hiding it.
Because it wasn't just the reaction making him emotional. It was the memories. Them as children, together, two boys named after stars. Sirius teaching him about all of them hiding in the night sky. Laying together in the grass outside the summer house in the country late at night after they long should have been asleep, Sirius holding his hand while the other was pointing out their constellations in the night sky for the first time. Nights at school when one of them was having a bad day, ending up at the astronomy tower together. After Sirius left, sitting by the window of his bedroom looking at the spot in the sky where he knew Sirius would be if it weren't for the light pollution in the city. Two boys named after stars. Two brothers who, despite how they fought, loved each other more than anything.
Sirius gasped, then, before his eyes met Regulus'. "What if I got a matching one!" Regulus scoffed out a laugh, shaking his head in amusement. "Really! I've got the space!"
"My first tattoo, and you're already trying to turn it into a pair in a set," Regulus mused, feigning disappointment as he stood. He shook his head slowly, as if disappointed, as he began to walk out of the kitchen. "Can't have anything for myself, can I?"
"C'mon! It would be so cool!" Sirius called after him. He couldn't see the loving grin on Regulus' face.
And, if Sirius came home later that week with a tattoo of Leo, the heart of the lion more prominent than the other stars with his own initials underneath, Regulus didn't say a thing against it.
---
James was prone to grand gestures. It was his love language.
Doing them in public was an unfortunate side effect. It was the fifth time that James dramatically proposed to Lily in a crowded pub since New Year's alone. He serenaded her out of key, creating his own version of a cheesy love song from the 80s. His friends enabled him, cheering him on like it was the first time just as they always did.
Lily looked like she was debating if this warranted breaking up with him, as she always did. Regulus had to stop himself from bursting out laughing when her emerald eyes met his across the table, silently begging him to do something. Whether that was pour his drink on the sound system to short circuit it or tackle him off the stage, he didn't know. He'd do either for her, in all honesty.
James returned to the table and kissed her deeply. Lily lowly told him that he could only do that so many more times before she got tired of it and left. She'd been saying that since Regulus had first met her. She had a terrible habit of not following through with her bluffs. James readily answered that he'd stop proposing to her like this when she finally said yes. Regulus couldn't stop himself from pointing out that she'd have an easier time saying yes if he showed her he was seriously asking.
James proposed to her for real on a weekend trip a month later, just the two of them. Lily said yes.
Regulus hugged them both tight when they all went out to celebrate.
---
They were baking together the first time that Regulus called her Mum.
He'd frozen, realizing his mistake. He couldn't bring himself to look at her. Couldn't bear the thought of her rejecting him.
She didn't say anything about it. She just leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek. Her hand came to the back of his head, gentle fingers scratching softly at his scalp. Regulus understood why Kreacher loved it so much. He practically preened into her touch. She asked him to grab the vanilla extract from the pantry.
Baking with Mum was one of Regulus' favorite activities.
---
Pandora was finally able to move in with Xeno.
Regulus went over to help her unpack her art studio. He was the only one who both created her canvases with care and was able to decipher what they meant at a first glance. Somewhere while organizing her paints by color and shade Pandora convinced him to sit for a piece she was planning.
The two of them worked seamlessly together, words not even being necessary most of the time. They knew how the other thought better than they knew their own minds. They finished unpacking in no time at all. Then, they were lazing around her and Xeno's house. Painting each other's nails and gossiping. Doodling on each other's skin. Regulus watched Pandora draw a moth on his forearm, her tongue poking the side of her cheek as she focused on the details within the wings. He was intrigued by the way she incorporated the silver lines that were already marking the skin there. For the first time, he thought they looked beautiful.
Once she was satisfied, he had her go over it again in permanent ink and take a picture, just in case it washed away before he could see Marlene again.
They ended up falling asleep together on the couch hours later. Their fingers were comfortably intwined. His other hand was cradling the moth on his forearm.
---
Evan wasn't always the best at dealing with tears. It's why Regulus tried to hold them back whenever he was around.
Still, when the times came where he couldn't hold them back, Evan helped. In his own way. He held Regulus, trying to talk him through what was happening. Trying to help him ground himself. Trying to help him remember how to breathe. Trying to help him remember that he was safe. He did his best. He was also learning how to deal with the things they'd experienced at the hands of those who were meant to care for them. He tried. That was enough.
And then, he said something so out of pocket, entirely by accident. Something so out outrageous that Regulus couldn't have kept it together if he tried. He started laughing. Hard. So hard that, after his brief intermission of panic about what he'd said, Evan couldn't help but start laughing with him. The two of them howled with laughter until they couldn't breathe, holding their sides and holding each other. They'd settle down, only to meet each other's eyes and start the process all over again. Two boys, curled up together laughing at something they couldn't even remember anymore. Even after they'd stopped, flicking through some streaming platform for something to watch, there were moments where one of them would giggle for no reason.
Evan got up after the third near-relapse. He said he had to piss because, if they started laughing like that again, he couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen on his sofa. He had a joint with him when he came back. The two of them passed it back and forth as they watched their show. An hour later he was on the phone ordering them a pizza.
Regulus didn't know when the tears had stopped. He didn't even remember why he was crying in the first place.
---
The five of them walked out of Marlene's tattoo parlor.
All of them had some part of their body wrapped. All of them were marked with ink now. A snake, some smaller than others, all of them on different parts of their bodies. A sign. A gesture.
They were each other's family. They were in it for life. Together.
They were family. The only family they needed.
---
Kreacher was curled up on his stomach while he read, snoozing away.
Across the room, Remus was sitting in his chair. He was wrapped in a sweater, curled in a position that didn't look comfortable as he read. Regulus couldn't judge him for it. His neck was going to kill him later with the awkward way he was laying. He would change positions if it didn't mean disturbing his cat. On the tables beside each of them were steaming cups of tea. Remus had brought them before settling into his chair.
It was a common occurrence these days. Regulus loved it each and every time.
---
Barty Crouch didn't seem like someone who knew what it meant to be gentle.
It seemed out of character for him. To most, anyway. Not to Regulus.
Because he knew how gentle Barty could be. Holding his hand as walked, always squeezing before they were forced to let go. One hand resting on his thigh as he drove, thumb lightly caressing through the jeans. Lightly tracing the lines of his face with his fingers while they laid together. Warm hands that would hold his face when he needed grounding. Eyes that were always bright and the slightest bit crazed, but were capable of a softness that so few got to see.
It didn't surprise Regulus. He understood. They both understood it. A kind of gentleness born not in spite of violence, but from the absence of it.
Barty made Regulus feel safe.
---
He and Sirius still fought.
Of course they did. They were brothers.
Most of the time it was over stupid things. Sirius thought Regulus was using his stupid hair products. Regulus pointed out that he had his own and didn't need his brother's trashy alternative. Regulus yelled at him because did he have to be so fucking loud all of the goddamn time? Kreacher had looked at Sirius funny. Regulus argued that his brother needed to get over his childish feud with a cat. Regulus got mad at Sirius for snooping through his room. Sirius got mad at Regulus for taking his leather jacket without asking. He refused to admit he was wrong when Regulus showed him that he had, in fact, texting asking to borrow it.
It didn't matter what they squabbled about. They would always make up. A text apologizing while dancing around using the actual words. One of them coming home with the other's favorite sweet. Bringing the other lunch at work. Coming into wherever the other was sitting and curling up next to them. An arm wrapped around the other's shoulder, pulling them closer. Words weren't always necessary for it. They would always make up.
Of course they did. They were brothers.
---
"Are you happy, Reggie?"
Regulus turned his head to look at Sirius. His older brother was already looking at him, the question burning in his eyes. He didn't even have to think on his answer.
"Yeah, Siri." Perhaps, for the first time, he wasn't lying. To his brother, or to himself. "I am."