The air was cold against his nose. Equal parts pain and numbness.
Tears steamed down his face, drying along his cheeks every so often. They fell down the same track, drying the trail and wetting it again.
The sky was dark. No star to be seen. And that made Regulus feel more alone.
The window was old, rickety, like the rest of the house. It was small, paint chipping around the sill.
Regulus hardly ever closed the window. It reminded him that he wasn't trapped- at least he could pretend he wasn't trapped.
It was the only thing that connected him to the outside world. The only thing that kept him sane most days.
Children giggled all day long, the sound echoing into Regulus room. He couldn't see the fun, didn't know how they could be so happy all the time, but it never stopped him from listening.
At night, the crickets were singing choruses that could out-due any choir. They chirped away all night, mixed with the whistles of the wind through the blades of grass- if Regulus focused on it hard, it was like his own lullaby.
The rain was soothing. A soft constant tap that made Regulus feel a bit better being inside. He could stare out the window for hours at the dripping of water, the dampness that made everything glitter.
Many times Regulus had imagined squeezing through the window and jumping down to the ground.
Sometimes he was successful and others- he'd break a bone or crack his head open. Those times his parents appeared in his dreams like they were controlling him even then.
They spat at him for being stupid and reckless. Sometimes they even just left him there, immobile and in pain.
Regulus got close once, squeezed his body half way through the window, but then he looked down. He was deathly afraid of heights- he found out.
He pushed himself back into his room, emptying his stomach into the bin by his bed.
Never again did he try to shimmy out his window to escape.
There was only one other time Regulus tried to get out. He didn't have a plan- he just needed to get outside, but he didn't make it.
He tried walking right out the door in the middle of the night, but his mother caught him. He should've known the woman would be more weary- Sirius had only been gone a couple of months. She beat Regulus so bad he couldn't move for weeks, much less attempt anything like he had.
Regulus gripped the windowsill, debating if he was desperate enough to jump, but this time his plan wasn't to land- it was to die.
He calculated if he could climb up onto the roof once he got out of his window.
If he could make it to the roof, then he'd just have to close his eyes and fall.
Sure, he was scared, but the fear would be gone once he hit the ground. He'd never have to be afraid anymore.
That was the plan.
Regulus slipped right out of the window, not looking down, but up. He climbed onto the small frame that lined the window.
It was a bit of a reach, but Regulus grabbed onto the gutter, using all his upper body strength to pull him up- which wasn't much.
He carefully stood to his feet, a bit off balance due to the incline. He looked down. It was a far drop- he hoped it was far enough.
Regulus quickly looked up, feeling sick. The stars were out, the brightest they'd been all year. It was almost like Regulus' goodbye. He was glad it would be the last thing he saw.
Sirius was in the sky where he always was.
Regulus knew it was ridiculous. Knew his brother wasn't really there. But he looked at his brother's star and whispered, "Don't look."
He spun around, his back facing the edge. He would always be a coward and he was okay with that. His heels dipped a bit as they hung over the edge.
Regulus just had to fall. He just had to let his body naturally lean back and gravity would do the rest.
He had nothing. No possessions worth anything. He had not a knut to his name. Not a person who'd care if he was gone.
Sirius might be sad, but they'd been dead to each other for years, what difference did it make to actually be dead.
Regulus considered briefly what his life could've been. Specifically he wondered if he would be where he was if he'd gone with Sirius that day.
He knows he wouldn't have. He knows if he were given the same choice he wouldn't go, but what harm was it to humor a dead man?
His eyes closed and he pictured happy memories with his brother. He pictured becoming friends with his brother's friends. He pictured a happy family of his own that he could've had.
Maybe in another life.
Maybe in some other life, another Regulus was happy and alive.
Maybe in some other universe he did go with Sirius and he did fall in love and have a family.
Regulus wondered if he'd go to one of those lives when he died. He hoped there was something better on the other side, but if he were honest even if there was nothing it would still be better than where he was.
With that, Regulus leaned back.
There's nothing quite like free falling. Air is all around you, but your lungs are empty. Your chest caves inwards, dragged down by the gravity and your stomach flips.
The fall is fast, but it's also long.
A second for every year Regulus has been alive. His whole life was reduced to just seventeen seconds.
Then he hit the ground.
"Regulus?"
Regulus blinked. He was staring out the sky. Not a star in sight.
He stretched his fingers, letting them loosen their grip on the windowsill. The windowsill was white, pristine white. Freshly painted.
The window was much bigger, the curtains blowing softly in the breeze.
"Won't you come to bed, Darling?"
Regulus blinks again.
He's not in Grimmuald place. This is not his window.
Regulus turns to look at the voice, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness. The figure's shape sharpens and he takes a step closer, into the light from the window.
"Nightmare?" He asked softly.
James Potter. He's freshly woken, his hair a mess on top of his head. His glasses were lazily placed on his face, crooked and falling off his nose.
He looks sleepy- warm. He takes another step forward and begins to gently wipe the tears from Regulus' tender face.
Regulus comes back a bit. He remembers James. Sweet, soft, lovely James.
His location comes back to him after a little longer. He's not in Grimmuald Place- he's in his own home, with James.
It's their home. It's not a prison. Regulus can go outside, he can do whatever he wants.
The window always stays open, but Regulus doesn't try to escape through it.
"Yeah." Regulus croaks.
He's not seventeen anymore. He's not falling.
"Your parents?" James asked, brushing the curls from Regulus’ face.
He's so gentle with Regulus it's almost sickening. Regulus thinks about it a lot, how in some universe there is a Regulus who doesn't get to experience the magic of being with James.
Regulus gets jelly-like whenever James is around. All his edges soften and it's like floating on clouds- and sometimes it's like falling.
James sits down beside Regulus. He doesn't pressure him. James is always there, always wanting to help. He was good in that way. Regulus hoped maybe one day he'd be half as good as James.
Regulus shook his head, tugging his sleeves down into his hands. It made him feel like he was in control. He gripped the fabric tightly as if it were his sanity and he was desperately trying to keep it from slipping away.
"Falling", Regulus let out a labored breath, "Feels like I'm always falling."
James tried not to react one way or the other, but Regulus knew it hurt him. The knowledge Regulus was hurting and he couldn't help was painful for him.
He always tried to help- always wanted to help. And he did. When he was meant to and not a second before.
Regulus could've died that day. He could've been forever seventeen, but he lived. He lived because life had a plan for him. A bright and sunny plan that involved one lovely James Potter.
He never told James what really happened that night. James had seen the aftermath, when Regulus returned to Hogwarts. It was so bad he was in a wheelchair for months- the magic remedies could only work so fast, reconstructing Regulus from inside out.
Regulus is sure he knew something of the story.
Sirius knew. He found Regulus in St. Mungos, somehow. There was a girl who volunteered at the hospital that had brought Regulus food once or twice. She looked familiar, but Regulus was hardly in the right state of mind. He figured she was one of Sirius' friends- he couldn't keep track of them anymore.
Sirius hardly ever left his side. Regulus wondered what his friends were thinking with Sirius' absence. His parents didn't visit the hospital much so Sirius never got caught. He stayed with Regulus at all times up until he was released for school.
Regulus could only imagine, Sirius must've told James the story- what he knew of the story.
Regulus had jumped- he'd jumped from the roof and wanted to die.
That was the narrative and Regulus allowed it.
He didn't want to die- he needed to. His life had become the chain around his neck, the boulder on his chest that pinned him down and restricted his breathing.
His life was a story of choices he didn't want to make- choices he didn't get to make. What was the point of living when the story was already written?
Regulus knew what his future was. Pain. Sorrow. The feeling of loneliness that would never leave him.
He was his father. He was his mother. This was his life.
And that was too much- too little. It suffocated him and filled him with air until he was choking on it. It was weak and it was strong, beating him bloody, reminding him who he was.
So Regulus jumped.
And he'd do it again.
The pain reminded him he was alive. This was not his parents' story- it was his.
He would accept the pain again, a hundred times over, because what happened afterwards- that was his life, his story.
Regulus would've never in a million years pictured James Potter becoming a constant in his life. They'd spoken only a few times prior, but it seemed like as soon as Regulus got to Hogwarts James was everywhere, appearing out of thin air wherever Regulus went. Always there, always gentle. He helped Regulus carry things and reach parts of the castle that were less than ideal for a wheelchair.
He was full of anger and misdirected hatred, but James took every insult like a compliment. It wasn't like Regulus could run away, so eventually he gave into the James Potter charm.
Sometimes James would just push Regulus aimlessly around the corridors because Regulus needed to move, but his arms were tired.
James filled the air with pointless nonsense. Rambling about quidditch and food and his classes. Sometimes he even told Regulus about the pranks the Marauders were plotting. Regulus didn't do much talking, he just listened. Some days it was enough to make Regulus smile and others he wished he were back up on that roof.
James pulled the boy into his lap, holding him close to his chest like he was a small child.
"What are you doing?" Regulus asked, starring into those beautiful eyes, witnessing first hand how their gaze softened at the sight of him.
James brought his hand to Regulus' cheek, caressing the soft skin with the pads of his thumb.
"I'm going to catch you", James explained as if it were as simple as that, "Will you let me?"
Regulus bit back a smile. There they were, sitting by the window, bodies pressed together.
He'd always be a little broken and James would always be there to make sure all the pieces remained.
Regulus would always have nightmares and James would always hold him until he fell back to sleep.
He was his father's son. He was his mother's son. His past belonged to them and maybe a bit of his future too.
Regulus would never forget that night he was seventeen. He'll never forget what it felt like standing on that roof, convincing himself he was doing what was right.
Sometimes Regulus will close his eyes and fall, but James will catch him.
In the years that pass, Regulus' family will grow. He'll hold his son close and tell him stories he would have never got to tell if life ended at seventeen.
He'll remind the boy that he is loved. That the world is beautiful and that life has a plan.
Regulus will get to watch his son take his first steps. He'll ramble on to anyone who will listen about how his first words were Mama and not dada. Regulus will hold it over James' head for the rest of their lives and James will let him.
Regulus will make a cake for his son's eleventh birthday and they'll celebrate him getting his letter to Hogwarts by starting a food fight. He'll even team up with his son and they'll both smash cake all over James until he surrenders. Regulus will complain about the mess and James will kiss him before cleaning it.
He'll get to witness his son's graduation. The boy will find him in the crowd and they'll hug until their arms go numb. They'll get ice cream and share stories about their times at Hogwarts. Regulus will bring up a happy memory of him and James at Hogwarts and James will kiss him- their son will pretend to throw up, but he secretly loves it.
Regulus will get to see his son get married and watch James give him away. He'll cry because his baby is all grown, but they'll be happy tears. They'll dance until their legs threaten to give out and drink until the stars begin to spin. Regulus will remark to James that it's almost better than their wedding and they'll laugh, reminiscing about how Sirius knocked over the chocolate fountain during his best man speech.
He'll meet his grandkids and spoil them rotten like a good grandparent. Regulus and James will babysit while their son goes out and they'll make a pillow fort. They'll watch movies and draw on James' face when he falls asleep first. James will look into a mirror and groan at the marker mustache and Regulus will tease him about getting old.
Regulus will get older and so will James and they'll spend everyday of the rest of their lives holding each other. James' hair will go gray first and Regulus will find it sexy. They'll get a place near the beach and spend their retirement swimming and falling asleep in the sun. They'll get tired sooner and wake up earlier, but they'll do it together.
All because Regulus' life didn't end when he was seventeen.
Regulus leaned in to kiss James. It was hardly the first and it was a long ways away from being the last, "Yeah."