1981
“So tired, it's the sky that makes you feel tried”
“When you said you had means to get us there, I thought you meant a real vehicle”
“This is a bike just like yours, you asshole!”
“I highly doubt that” Sirius said, rooted to the spot “It's a death trap. That's what it is”
“And don't you crave a little death once in a while?”
Funny.
“Not when it takes away my dignity while killing me”
“Aw, don’t be a baby” Remus told him with an eye-roll as he handed him a helmet “I'm good at driving, and I won't let anything happen to you” Sirius only managed a hum, entirely unconvinced “Hey, you trust me?”
Did he?
Sirius had trusted Remus enough to show him the scars hiding under the bandages, enough to invite him into his room over and over again. There might’ve still been some unresolved issues between them, but trust? That was there. Always been.
“Fine” Sirius finally said and accepted the helmet, putting it on with a scowl “You better not make roadkill out of us, Moony”
“I just might if you keep calling me like that”
“Why am I doing this again?” yet he obediently climbed on the flashy golden-colored motorcycle, fisting his hands into the pockets of the jacket he had handed to Remus, since his mother would’ve killed him if he had presented with that, but Sirius still refused to let it home. Underneath, Remus was wearing a white button-up shirt and fitting pants, classy and neat in comparison to the leather jacket which, sort of, made him look like a small gangster that hanged around in gas stations with a dangling cigarette between his lips.
“‘Cause it's fun”
Whatever Sirius was about to reply got drowned by the piercing howl of the engine. The last thing he heard was a “Hang on as tight as possible!” before they kick off the pavement, his stomach lurched. Sirius's arms immediately slide around Remus's waist, not willing to risk any kind of accident that involved him flying off that thing.
He didn’t really liked being in the passenger seat, no.
“I wouldn't let go for life” he murmured into the curve of his spine even if Remus wouldn't have heard him. He hung on as tight as possible that time.
They flew over the streets with a speed that Sirius would consider criminal (even if he himself ran at that speed every once in a while) if not for the fact that Remus made up for it in skills and finesse as he steered them through the city. Even though he still had a firm grip on the jacket, his blood rushing in his ears, he discovered peculiar peace in it too. The wind racing past them that usually was just freedom for Sirius, this time left him a sensation of pure security, but the sound became way too strong until it didn’t even let him think, too busy pressing his face into Remus's shoulder and feeling everything - insatiable fire, life, and his pounding heart in his mouth all at once. For once, his thoughts were reduced to nothing but the instinct to hold on and survive.
They didn’t end up in a ditch, but by the time they arrive in front of Sirius's house, he was still frightfully happy to get off that thing.
No, definitely not like Louve.
“That wasn't so bad, was it?” Remus asked with a deep chuckle. The helmet left his hair messy, sticking out in a few odd places, but miraculously, it made him look even more handsome.
Sirius huffed out a breath as he made sure his hair was good “I drive, when we get back”
After several more minutes of Remus's god-awful teasing and smirking, they finally go inside. Sirius's mother told him it would be a small get-together of the family, but it seemed like that included the whole neighborhood, too, not that Sirius hadn't expected that. He weaved Remus through the crowd of people, offering some familiar faces fast nods, before he finally spotted the person he was looking for in the living room, fussing with the candles.
“Reg” he turned and his face splat into an enthralling smile
“Sirius! It's so great to see you” he pulled him into a hug “Oh, home had been hell without you, I have secrets to spill” when he pulls away, he gives Remus a curious look “Oh, Remus, good to see you, how have you been?”
“Good, thanks” James appeared from the crowd and put his hand on Regulus’ shoulder in a very-confidential way. Oh, they were so obvious. They were lucky his mother didn’t know they could be so “stupid to follow their uncle Arcturus steps”.
Eventually, Walburga saw them, while talking to Rodolphus, some dude who was getting married to their cousin Bella, and got up to them. Oh, this would’ve been fun.
“Sirius. Regulus” high chin, styled hair, serious tone. She hadn't changed "James" here it was, that little trace of contempt “And who is this supposed to be?” oh, she knew, Sirius had learned to see when she was lying. The real question was ‘why is someone like him here?’, but he wouldn’t have let her get what she wanted
“Mother, this is Remus. The boy who spent almost every day here five years ago”
“Oh! The… garden boy” her gaze fell also on the jacket Remus was wearing, with the confirm that her son had been wearing for probably years a thing who was given by someone so… so not at their level “And to what do we owe your presence here?”
Looking at Remus, Sirius pressed his lips together “I'm sorry for her” he turned again towards his mother, while Reg was slowly slipping away, trying to get James to not assist that scene “We're friends, mother. He's amazing-”
Remus smiled sheepishly.
“Oh, well, I have someone here who would love to meet you” she started looking around the room, and Sirius had a sinking feeling that he knew what was about to happen.
“Please tell me you didn't-”
“She is well-educated and a starlet in school” she pointed to the hallway. Sirius didn't have to look over to know it must have been a woman. One that she hadn’t mentioned on the phone.
“Before you say anything...” Sirius leaned down to murmur into Remus's ear “I did not know about this”
Remus shrugged, but his shoulders were unnaturally stiff, bleeding with tension “It's fine. I can entertain myself for a while”
“You don't have to”
“Sirius, your mother is introducing you to someone. There's clearly no place here for me” the words ended up sounding snappish, though Remus's expression softened immediately “Really. It's... cool. I'll just- grab a glass of champagne”
Before Sirius could do anything to stop him, his mother was already playing cupid in full force, at least that one wasn’t blood-related to him, that was a start “Sirius, this young lady here is-”
“Mary, Macdonald” the brunette woman slyly cut in, her smile kind but as sharp as a blade “Lovely to meet you”
“Likewise” Sirius said, returning the grin and placing a kiss on the hand she offered him. Best to let this situation play out for now “We're happy to have such beautiful guests over”
“You do have a nice house”
“Yes, do you fancy a tour?”
“Oh?” Mary was quick to link her elbow with Sirius, and thankfully, that gave him the opportunity to escape his mother's arduous claws. Step one done. Now only to slither away from this unprompted rendez-vous. As charming as Mary was, Sirius had somewhere else to be right now. He hadn't ask Remus to accompany him back home only to amuse himself with someone else.
Sirius steered her around the house, providing commentary that was polite, maybe even humorous, but brief enough to keep it shallow. He was about to venture outside with her when Mary said “You do know, I'm not keeping you handcuffed?”
“Pardon?”
“You keep glancing around” Mary provided “And you might use pretty words, but it's clear as day that you don't want to be here right now. Rest assured that I don't need a man to have a good night out by myself”
Sirius made a face “Okay, you got me. I was actually here with a friend before my mother all but assaulted me with the introduction. I'm sorry. You're lovely. You are, I'm just not-”
“I know. I'm not either, but I figured making a few connections wouldn't hurt”
“Oh”
“Tell you what” she got out a notepad and scribbles down her number “Here. If you need someone to get your mother off your back... or if you simply want to have some harmless fun” she stoved the note in Sirius's pocket and winked before walking away.
Sirius found himself surprised for a moment, just standing there and watching her walk away to a redhead girl, taking gently her hand and smiling at him. Mary would’ve been everything he ever dreamed of in a partner, if he had been looking for one. He might have had to take her up on the offer eventually, but first...
Remus.
The last place he’d saw him was in the kitchen, snagging a piece of chocolate, but when Sirius looked for him he found everyone - from his horrid neighbor Mulciber to James’ parents, such lovely people, but that were quite to happy to see him - everyone except Remus. Sirius quickly realized that Remus was not hiding in any of the other rooms either, leaving him slightly concerned.
And then he remembered...
The water fountain.
Sirius power-walked outside, across the lawn, and through the alley, guided by the dimply-lit lanterns on each side of him. Sure enough, he saw a figure sitting at the edge of the pool. Remus lifted his head when he spotted him, hugging an entire bottle of red wine that he must’ve had swiped earlier.
“Having fun?” Sirius asked.
Remus squinted at him, cheeks flushed, lips a glossy pink, smelling of smoke, and Sirius realized that he was probably already tipsy- adorably so “I wasn't sure if you'd find me”
“Of course I would” he said as he sat down next to him “I found you after five years, didn't I?”
“That was a coincidence”
“You think”
It was, but sometimes letting people believe that Sirius was smarter than he actually was, did the job, too.
“I'm gonna ask you somethin', and I want you to be honest” Remus said then with a brooding tilt to his voice.
“Sure”
“Did you bring me here as... some sort of rebellious act?”
“...what?”
“Come on, you heard me. You're loaded, you've got your whole life set up for you, and your mom clearly wants you to get married and settled soon. I was your garden boy for fuck's sake” when Sirius opened his mouth, Remus shut him up with a raised finger “I'm not the fifteen-year-old boy anymore who considers himself street trash. I know what I'm worth and I like where I am in life right now, but I fucking mind if someone brings me to a party of the fucking elite just to give his mother some tough time”
“Remus” Sirius murmured “Is that really what you think of me?”
“I don't know. I'm asking you”
“I didn't”
“So why did you?”
“Does there always have to be a reason?”
“You're you” Remus said flatly like that was already answer enough “You don't do things without a reason”
As true as it was, Moony knew him well, that common sense escaped him every time the topic was Remus. Sirius let out a sigh “I want you in my life”
“Why?”
“Remus, you just said you know your worth. Why is it so hard for you to believe that I like you for you?”
Remus actually moved back at that, clearly not having expected it “I just- I-”
“You asked if I trusted you, but you don't trust me, do you?” he didn't trust him with much of what had happened back then, the abuse, the people that dared to call themselves foster parents. And after he got out of juvenile prison, Sirius realized, Remus must not have trusted him enough to find him. Was it because Sirius had paid off that guy? Or was it just Sirius himself?
Remus exhaled “I want to. I do...”
“But?”
“But” he said “Give me some time”
Time. They had enough of that now, didn’t they?
“Okay. I can be patient” Sirius got to his feet then, tilting his head “So what do you want to do now?”
“Mh?”
“You drank”
“You can take me home”
“It’s a bike, not a car, I don’t want to risk, which means we have a night to waste here”
Remus made a face as if he hadn't even considered that when he had picked up the glass of champagne “I didn't think things through”
“Clearly”
“Shut up. I feel like I know your house in and out by now. What's there to do?”
Sirius felt himself smirk “Oh. I might know a thing or two.”
They went up to the roof.
Sirius had spent a considerable amount of time there during his childhood.
He had always loved the stars, ever since he could remember, in fact among the sketches in his room it was not uncommon to find drawings of starry skies and the Moon, ever since he and Reg had fun trying to find their stars.
And after 15 years, his Moon was right beside him, how ironic.
Once, when his brain was still too infantile to distinguish fantasy from reality, he had developed the firm belief that like a star, he could fly among the others and caress them himself.
His experiment ended with a broken arm and two broken ribs.
"I like it" said Remus, staring at the stars with a new childish innocence "It’s quiet"
"It is" Sirius shifted his gaze to him.
The Moon in a dark, black sky.
“So, what’s yours?”
"Mh?"
“Your star, you always talked about the sky, so what’s Sirius?”
Sirius moved closer to him so that he could see better from his perspective, and pointed to the Canis Major constellation “That’s the one, one of the brightest”
He looked back at him, and when Remus did the same, he blushed a little. Remus's pupils were dilated and that detail only added to his beauty in an unusual way. He rested his head on his shoulder.
Do not touch.
Do not touch.
Sirius would have respected any contact that Remus would have offered him, but it costed him quite a bit of effort not to put his arm around him.
When Remus was in the bathroom brushing his teeth, Sirius found himself staring at his bed as if he were an enemy. He was considering every possible probability.
"What are you doing?"
Sirius made a low hum "I'm looking at my bed"
"Yes, I see that"
"I don't mind sleeping on the floor"
Remus' eyebrows furrowed into a fierce frown "It's fine"
Was it really, though? He was sure Remus would’ve pretended it was just to get it over with, but that was foolish of him. He should have been comfortable with him.
However, Remus acted first.
After climbing into bed, as far to the side as he could, and pulling the sheet up to his chin, he huffed "Come on, Padfoot"
Sirius smiled, almost laughing "I sleep in my underwear, you know" Remus snorted again
“Do as you wish” he took off his shirt, and the old scars still evident on his skin caught Remus's attention again. He had never really forgotten the time Sirius had shown him his wounds, but he had thought that in five years they would’ve been much fader.
Maybe it was because in that time Sirius’s body had grown, he had broader shoulders and was taller, still shorted than him, however, maybe his healthy appearance had made him forget that he had been through shit five years ago.
Because it wasn't the scars themselves that made an impression on him, but rather what was behind them. Every detail about Sirius had seemed a little sadder since he could no longer run, as if he had lost part of himself. He remembered how he enjoyed skating on the ice of the lakes in winter with his brother and James, while Remus limited himself to observing it from the shore, terrified even by the thought of touching the ice and seeing it break beneath him.
Sirius ran, Sirius shone, Sirius laughed, but all that had changed with the accident. He knew the scars weren't all from that, and that years earlier Sirius had had another accident that had more impact on his back, judging by his position.
He was taking off his undershirt when he heard the mattress springs creak behind him.
"Can I?" Remus asked, reaching for Sirius' shoulder.
"Yes" he replied, without hesitation. If he had been another person, any other person, he would have said no immediately, but it was him, and he trusted him.
He couldn't help it.
But Remus hesitated.
"Aren't you curious?"
"Do you want to tell me?"
"I asked you first" came out almost on a whim
"Yes, but that's your thing. You don't owe me an explanation. You’ve never asked me for one either"
"That's because you don't trust me, but I trust you. After all, I let you ride around in that death machine of yours"
“Stop calling it that, asshole, yours isn’t that much better”
"You can ask me"
Remus should have asked him.
“Is this your way of making me trust you? Because it doesn't work that way”
Sirius let out a painful sigh and finally got under the covers "Why not? I'm offering you something here, but Moony is too stubborn to accept it”
"Fuck off and go to sleep, Pads"
"Oh, didn't I say that? I'm an insomniac. I might not sleep for hours"
"Do you want help? I could try to suffocate you with that pillow under your head"
“Ohh, kinky”
This caused an annoyed noise to escape Remus' mouth. The silence that enveloped them was comfortable, warm with a sweet nostalgia and a tenderness that could only be found between two individuals willing to share a space as intimate as a bed.
When he heard Remus breathe even in a soft snore, Sirius left the ghost of a smile on his lips as he murmured "Goodnight, Moony" and his mind began to wander.
He was balancing the line between consciousness and the hazy respite of sleep that was just a step away when he felt a shudder and a series of agitated gasps next to him.
Sirius turned, barely able to make sense of anything, and saw that Remus was probably having nightmares, his pale-knuckled hands hooked into the pillow beneath his head.
Sirius thought about leaving him be. Nightmares were not unfamiliar to him, and sometimes coming out of them was as unpleasant as it was living through them, but the sight of Remus fighting something invisible right next to him made Sirius' entire ribcage tense with intolerable pain, the impulse to do so.
An impulse that managed to cloud his ability to breathe.
After a moment, he picked up the pillow that lay between them and tossed it to Remus.
He jumped up, panting as if he had run a marathon, his eyes shining.
“Hey, hey, you're okay” Sirius interjected “You're okay. You're safe” Remus's eyes settled on him, his pupils tiny, unrecognizable dots in the dazzling white of the moon outside “It's me. You're in my house. You're safe"
Remus let out a labored breath, as if his lungs were filled with water, and ran a hand over his face “Sorry for waking you”.
It was probably too dark for Remus to see anything other than his silhouette, but Sirius smiled anyway, in a vain attempt to cheer him up, settling deeper into the bed, a little closer to him “I wasn't sleeping”
Remus followed suit, sliding down until he was facing Sirius, their faces several inches apart, but eyes still glued to each other “It always happens to me when I sleep in strangers' houses. Which is stupid since I was moving house every couple of months, but..." Remus trailed off, fixing his gaze on Sirius' hand, resting on the edge of the pillow "It still happens, sometimes"
"I had them too. I refused to sleep for a few days. I wouldn't do it again for the world"
Remus let out a gentle snort "Is that why you became an insomniac?"
"I doubt it. Sleeping and I are just not friends" should have been the other way around.
Sirius should have loved sleep, he should have loved being able to wake up fully charged for the day, but instead, the terror of the dark was greater than the desire for rest.
For others, sleep was a respite. For him it had always been a cage with a fictional name.
“I still like sleeping” Remus confessed “Even though it sucks sometimes because of dreams and stuff. But no matter how bad it gets, it gives you some peace in the end”
“I guess you're my opposite then”
"Guess I am".
Back home after another heart-stopping ride (which, this time, he had conducted), Sirius dug out the crumpled piece of paper Mary tucked inside the pocket of his coat and dialed the number.
Mary had offered him something he hadn't ever considered before, but now that the ball had been pitched into the court, he was going to take a swing. That way he would’ve, at least, got his mother off his back for a while. Because right now, Sirius had no time for something as futile as relationships and romance. The taste he had gotten back in college had been more than enough.
They met to discuss things a few days later.
The party had made it crystal clear to Sirius that Remus's trust was barely there, their progress stagnant or, at best, wavering. And he didn't blame him. After all, the very system that was supposed to protect Remus had hurt him. But they were clearly on entirely different pages, if not chapters. Remus had a life. A family. He didn't consider Sirius to be part of that.
So Sirius had to take a step back from his current mission of repairing their relationship and take care of his own business in the meantime. That was where Mary came into the picture.
She wasn’t the usual type of girl his mother used to introduce him to. All that were had been rejected, sooner or later. But now? His mother was desperate, and disposed to get closer to what his tasted were, just to get him married and to continue the Black dynasty.
“I must admit” Mary said, watching the waves gently lap against the harbor “I didn't expect a call from you” they were walking down the river, and it was sunny, the wind a soothing caress. A perfect day to make a deal.
“Mh? I didn't take you for someone who throws out highly dangerous offers to men without being confident in herself”
“I was confident, but that was before I saw you with him”
Sirius felt himself falter, steps slowing down “Him?”
Mary awarded him with a coy smile “Don't play dumb now. It's way too late for that” her lips smooth into a smirk that was both dangerous and reassuring “You should know that I'm not just a nobody who's offering you to pretend to be your lady. I'm finishing med school, but I took a few modeling gigs to afford the fees. I will appear in a short film next month, too. I will most likely be in the face of the public from now on, and so will you if we do this”
“Mary, don't take this wrong way, but do you honestly believe I don't already know that?”
“So you did your researches. That's good”
“I only have one question”
She stopped mid-walk and turned to him, tilting her head, an invitation to ask away as straightforward as it could have ever been.
“What's in it for you? Surely, it wouldn't be difficult to find someone who would love to actually become the man on your side?”
Mary shrugged innocently, though the gesture is everything but “You and I are more alike than you might think, Sirius”.
A few days later, Sirius got the call that he could pick up his motorbike.
So after another irritating day at work, Minerva being very loud, and old, dreary men thinking they're subtle when they talk about him behind his back, Sirius took the bus to the garage. When he arrived there, he could already sense that his cloudy Wednesday was about to get even darker.
He found Remus in the workroom, leaning against one of the cars, eating fried noodles and laughing, loud and infectious. Grant and Nymphadora were across from him, the same carefree grins on their faces.
Coming in between that felt very much like bursting a bubble, the happy noises dying down and shifting into an awkward silence.
“My bike” Sirius said “I'm here to pick it up”
“Yeah, uh, of course” Remus jumped up from where he was standing and handed over his food to Nymphadora, who gave Sirius a once-over before turning back to Grant, talking to him in a low murmur. Sirius returned her gaze with a smile that lacked any substance, then followed Remus.
Remus kept up a constant stream of information, telling him this and that about his bike, which Sirius would not only forget but not even remember.
“Thank you” he made sure to say when Remus was finished, though.
“No problem. You sure got all that?”
“Obviously”
Sirius held out his palm, and Remus looked at it for a second before placing the key there. The touch lingers.
“So, uh, if something comes up, I'll make sure to fix it myself, okay?”
“Mh? Oh, Moony, you’re so generous~” Sirius held his gaze “The same goes for you, by the way. If something comes up, I'll make sure to fix it” he echoed before offering him a contrived but cheerful grin.
Remus squinted. (Adorable.)
“Why do I feel like whatever you mean isn't really legal?”
“How can you not trust someone like me? I'm hurt!”
“I'm suspicious”
“Don't be. I mean it. Whatever it is”
The next week, Sirius was coming back from lunch with Mary by his side, when he spotted Remus outside his apartment door, pacing up and down the hallway and chewing on his fingernails.
“Remus?”
He glanced up. His eyes immediately slide to Mary, narrowing ever so slightly before snapping back to Sirius “I- I need your help” he stammered out “You told me I could come to you, right? You said-”
“Hey, yes, I said that, and I still mean it” Sirius crossed the distance “You're shaking. Breathe”
“It's Dora”
“What about her?”
“She- I came back and found her on the floor, vomiting, and she's high so I don't know what to do-”
“I'm a medical student” Mary cut in, coming up beside them “I can help. Where is she?”
He started walking, leading them back down the stairs “She's in the car”
“Why didn't you go to the hospital?” Mary asked.
Remus's words feel like sizzling venom in the air “Why do you think? She can't afford to go to prison for being a fucking addict-”
“We won't tell the police either” Sirius cut in “Right?”
“Obviously, not” Mary replied “I want to save lives, not ruin them. It's still an essential request”
“I'm sorry, I'm just- it's all-” Remus cut himself off when they reached a car on the side street. A rusty red Toyota Corolla that Sirius hadn't even noticed before. Remus opened the door and climbed inside, Mary close behind him.
Sirius remained outside, considering their options that would’ve promised the least amount of damage. It fell together with the question of why Remus would’ve sought out Sirius, of all people. He was no doctor. Remus couldn't have possibly known about Mary considering this was their first official date in public. So?
In the end, it all came down to the same thing Sirius used when he was a child. Money. He had money. Money to bribe a doctor?
Glancing inside, Sirius asked “How is she?”
Mary was bent over Nymphadora “She's breathing, but her pulse is racing…”
“They'll call the police as soon as they see she's on drugs”
Mary let out a vexed breath “I can watch over her until they're out of their system. She'll probably be fine until then but after that-”
“Yeah, okay”
Sirius sat down behind the wheel, the door banging shut, and starts the car “Remus, where do you live?”
“Garage. Drive to the garage”.