Dates and Distress
The next weeks were filled to the brim with happy moments the couple shared. Sirius felt like he was living his loveliest dream yet, a life that he had never considered having but some secret spot within him had always silently hoped for. To find love, and if Sirius was honest with himself that was exactly what Remus had become for him, had always seemed impossible. And yet here he was, spending day after day with Remus whose devotion to Sirius made him feel like he might possible actually deserve all this.
Their dates were exciting and Remus and Sirius surprised each other every time with a new fun date idea. They went to an open-air cinema on a rooftop terrace, ate sushi in a fancy restaurant while sitting on the floor, took a daytrip to Brighton with a rented car and chased each other around the beach before lazily walking on the pier, their arms always interlinked, and went on a pub quiz crawl through northeast London.
But they didn’t need the elaborate date plans and picturesque locations, Sirius found himself the happiest when he was simply doing mundane things at Remus’ side. They did their laundry together in a salon close to Sirius’s dorm and sat side-by-side while their machines ran, sharing headphones and playlists. It was hard to focus when they were studying together in cafés and libraries, one touch distracting there and one heated glance distracting there, but Lily or Evan or Mary or whoever ended up joining them for a study session shushed them until they were actually able to get some work done. Sirius watched Remus skate whenever he could and Remus kept Sirius company while he painted, talking in soft tones or facetiming Dorcas when Sirius was too much in the zone to converse with Remus but was still glad to hear his voice while he worked. Remus was over almost every night to have dinner with Sirius and James before Sirius pulled him into his room to watch a movie and kiss Remus stupid.
And that was his very favourite thing if Sirius was being honest. Simply cuddling with Remus and pulling him into deep kisses until they had to draw up for air. Remus kissed like everything depended on it, like he could give Sirius life and Sirius found that that was true – Remus’ kisses were revitalising and he didn’t know how he had ever lived without them. They tasted sweet, smoky and like home and Sirius chased Remus’ lips whenever he pulled away. There was nothing better than to spend entire days and nights in bed with Remus, whispering about everything and nothing and basking in each other’s presence. Life was good and life was Sirius’ and he finally felt like he was supposed to be there. Supposed to be living life and supposed to do it at Remus’ side because nothing had ever felt this right and this true.
“Hey Moony?” Sirius said one night after a particularly loving snogging session.
“Yea?” Remus’ voice was raspy and breathy and Sirius could have proposed right then and there.
“Can we just stay like this forever?”
Remus smiled down at him to where he was laying on his chest, his black curls falling in soft waves all around Remus’ torso. “We can.”
Sirius snuggled impossibly closer and just took in Remus’ scent. “Do you think we’d be together like this in every universe?”
Sirius felt rather than heard Remus’ giggling, “Is this a TikTok trend, love?” Remus asked with pure endearment in his voice.
Sirius fake-pouted, “So what if it is?”
A strong hand found its way into Sirius hair and started massaging his head which made Sirius lean into it like a dog. “There’s not a universe in which I do not want to be with you.”
Sirius made a satisfied voice and found himself suddenly very close to sleep. Remus’ soft breathing and the way his hand was still stroking his head were instant safety indicators for Sirius and so he felt blissful and dozy. “In every universe then.” He declared and the last thing he heard before finally drifting off to sleep was Remus’ content sigh and a whispered, “In every universe, darling.” A kiss to his forehead and heaven was a place on earth.
***
Sirius’ phone was vibrating from where he had put it on the couch table. James had gone skating with Remus and as much as Sirius would have loved to join and cheer them on, he had a lot of uni work to catch up on. Dating Remus was like a dream and in that also all-consuming which had resulted in Sirius growing a little too lenient with his studying. Now he had two assignments due within the next week and so he had to wave goodbye to his best friend and boyfriend while he spread his art supplies on the kitchen table. He also had an essay to write but he figured he would start with the more fun task first, namely a self-portrait. Remus had joked that he should title it ‘The Picture of Sirius Black’, reminiscing Wilde’s novel since Remus was of the opinion that Sirius was as pretty as the notoriously beautiful Dorian Gray.
When Sirius’ phone rang he was working on the outline of his face. Slowly, he put his pen down and stood up to reach for his phone. Sirius smiled at the picture of Remus and him cuddled up in bed which was displayed behind the caller ID ‘My Moony <3’ – Remus was calling him.
He took the call and had to bite down a grin. “Oh hello! Can’t get enough of me, huh? You just left me an hour ago.” He teased and sat down on the couch.
Instead of Remus flirting back, Sirius could only hear vague noises of hard breathing and something that sounded like whining. Confused but still holding on to his good mood, Sirius said, “Didn’t know we were doing that today, Moons.” But his joke didn’t seem to land. With a sudden shock Sirius realised that what he had interpreted as whining was actually faint crying. Remus was crying. Sirius’ heart was hammering in his chest and his thoughts raced, desperately trying to figure out how he could make Remus feel better right away.
“Remus? Are you okay?” He asked, trying to keep his voice straight. Again, only harsh breaths and sobs could be heard over the line. “Rem, you’re really scaring me. Come on, what’s going on? How can I help? Talk to me.”
Finally Remus spoke, his voice broken and laced with pain. Sirius felt icy all over his body. “Something awful has happened.” Remus said before he fell silent again, faintly weeping.
Sirius couldn’t remember when the last time had been that he had felt this scared. He must have been a little boy worrying about Regulus. The same helplessness, frustration and pure terror engulfed him now again. He desperately needed to figure out what was wrong and do something about it. He needed to do something. “Remus, what is it? What happened? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Tears now also started to roll down Sirius’ face.
Remus immediately spoke this time, obviously growing aware of how he was affecting Sirius. “No, no. I’m fine, Sirius.” The pressure on Sirius’ chest lightened a bit and he was able to take a deep breath.
But what he heard next, shattered his very core. “It’s James.” Remus said.
Everything around Sirius blurred, engulfing him in nothing but darkness. His brain rewired and the only thought it kept vomiting out and out without being able to stop was: James. James. James. James. He had never felt his mind narrowing down on one thing this completely. Nothing mattered besides his brother, the man he would die a thousand times over for. “What about James?” Sirius asked in a surprisingly clear voice. “What happened? What happened to James?”
Remus was still crying on the other side of the line. “He got hurt.” Remus pressed out.
At hearing that, Sirius found that he was utterly out of it. The room pulsated around him and he could barely breath. Something in his brain flicked a switch and even though Sirius felt like he was going insane, he kept his focus clear. “Remus, where are you?” He asked.
Remus didn’t reply and only started to cry harder. Sirius could hear him trying to speak but his voice failed him over and over again, split by sobs and coughs. Distortedly, Sirius could decipher: “It’s all my fault.”
Sirius stomach clenched aggressively and with as much conviction as he could muster he repeated, “Where. Are. You. Remus?”
Remus gave one last sob. “At the hospital. UCL’s.”
“I’m on my way.” Sirius said and hung up.
He put on his shoes and his leather jacket. He closed the dorm door behind him and ran. He got into the tube and got out at Euston Station. He walked through the hospital’s doors and went to the nearest reception.
And all the time he had only one thought running circles in his head. ‘I cannot lose him. I cannot lose him. I cannot lose him.’