An Episode of Falling
Sirius walked into the waiting room where the receptionist had pointed after he had stated James’ name. He didn’t miss the anxious looks he attracted – Sirius in this mood was not someone you wanted to cross. His heart was still drowning but his head retained the strange clarity that had entered his mind as soon as he realised James was not okay. That was a concept Sirius Black wanted to burn to the ground and spit on. There could not be a world where James Potter wasn’t okay. Might as well be a world without joy at all.
Sirius spotted Remus immediately. He was sitting on the floor, his back against the yellowing wall and his head pressed into his knees. There was dread, fright and panic radiating off him. He truly looked like a picture of misery. Sirius’ mind was still hard-wired on James but his heart gave a painful lurch at Remus’ pitiful form.
Sirius went right up to his boyfriend and crouched before him, putting his hand softly on his leg so to not startle him. “Remus.” He simply said and the other boy instantly looked up at him. His face was tear-streaked and dotted with red blotches. Remus’ nose was running and his glassy eyes were dark holes filled with distress. After unclenching the deep fists Remus had turned his hands into, Sirius took them in his. While stroking his palms, Sirius could feel the deep half-moons Remus had carved there with his fingernails.
As they locked eyes, Sirius felt his terror soften for a second before resuming its full height again as Remus’ eyes communicated his own panic. Even though Remus was completely silent, Sirius knew him well enough to read the signs: Remus was full on freaking out and this always made him pull back and bury himself in his own head. There were so many emotions running through Remus’ eyes that Sirius didn’t even know where to start. Fright, Anger, Distress, Sorrow, Guilt.
“Remus.” Sirius let out again and wiped away one of Remus’ tears only to realise that he himself was also crying. “They said James is in a hospital room.” His voice quivered dangerously. “They said the doctor is still tending to him and she will get us when she is done. Remus please, you need to tell me what happened. Please. I need to know.”
Sirius rubbed a hand over his face, his inner panic welling up while he spoke and threating to fully drown him. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. His mind was still shouting ‘I cannot lose him’ and Sirius felt his grip on reality slipping. With a sudden movement he stood up and started pacing up and down in front of Remus. He couldn’t stay still anymore, as long as he was moving this was still happening and not done yet. As long as he didn’t pause, didn’t stop, James could still be okay and this could still be just a bad dream. His pacing quickened as his persistent thought turned into spoken words. “I cannot lose him.” Sirius shocked himself by speaking out loud, as it did Remus whose brown eyes widened and immediately welled up with tears again.
Now that it was coming out, Sirius couldn’t stop it anymore. “I cannot lose him, Remus. You- you don’t understand, I need James to be fine. I can’t- I can’t lose him.” Sirius could only repeat lamely. “He is my everything.” He added softly and Remus gave an aching sob. Sirius looked back at Remus. “What happened?” He asked, his voice barely above a whisper and Remus nodded as if gathering himself.
“This morning after we left to go skating,” Remus started and determination showed on his face even as it sounded like speaking each word was putting him in physical pain. As if remembering was an agonising practice itself. “We- well James saw Lily’s Instagram story. She was out for drinks somewhere last night I guess and so she posted a picture of her wine glass with a man in the background. And suddenly James starts freaking out, and I- I didn’t quite get it at first. Ugh I was so stupid, I didn’t realise that it was gonna have this effect on him. I mean I knew he liked Lily but not like this… Not this much, not to trigger all this. But I should have known, I should have known what to do.”
It seemed once Remus had breached the obstacle that had hindered him from properly speaking, everything came out rapidly. Sirius was confused what Lily had to do with anything or why Remus felt this guilty but he didn’t dare to interrupt Remus. “Anyways he kinda started spiralling, saying all these things like he was undeserving or bullshit like that. And how he was never good enough or would never be adequate for a girl like Lily. I thought he was joking at first because come on it’s James, he’s everything. And I mean Lily she would just be stupid- I can’t imagine that she couldn’t like him back. But James wasn’t joking, he was getting into this frenzy and I had missed my opportunity to intervene because he was somewhere else entirely and I wanted to take him back home, to get your help but suddenly he just goes, I’m gonna go skating, I have to go skating. I didn’t get it at first, like why would we still go skating? If anything he needed to do something that would calm him down. I tried to tell him that but it was like he didn’t hear me, he didn’t react to anything I did. He just jumped on his board and took off and I just stupidly followed. I should have done something more, I should have found a way to stop him but he was just so… And I felt so out of my depth and I didn’t- I didn’t get how bad it was until it was too late. I can’t believe I didn’t get it. And I know you should never skate if you’re in emotional turmoil. I know that more than anyone. So I should have dragged him from the skate park, I should have- But I didn’t. And so he started skating, but he was still so frantic and unfocused. And then he- He fell, Sirius. He fell badly.” Remus looked up at him and bit down on his bottom lip as a sob tear through him, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Sirius.”
Sirius couldn’t do anything but stare at Remus. Everything in him felt heavy as if he’d eaten lead, as if stones had replaced his muscles. James had fell from his skateboard. Badly. He had hurt himself. Sirius faintly registered that Remus was telling him how he had called an ambulance because he was bleeding. Bleeding. And gone unconscious for a few second. Unconscious. There was a storm inside Sirius’s head and the rain was fucking up all his functioning. Remus was talking about getting to the hospital and since then only waiting.
Fully defeated, Sirius collapsed. Remus was immediately at his side and propped him up against the wall, murmuring soft words of comfort. But Sirius was not in his body anymore. Everything around him was gone and the only way he kept himself somehow grounded was by clenching his fingers into Remus’ sweater. Remus pulled him close to his body and drew circles on his back. Sirius tried to focus on the feeling of Remus’ fingers, desperately holding on because he could already feel the edge coming closer and closer and he couldn’t fall down again.
And so the two boys just sat in silence, engulfed in each other, both soundlessly crying and falling.
The other people in the waiting room had noticed their misery and multiple pairs of eyes focused on them. A dark-haired woman offered them some tissues but Remus simply waved her off with a thankful nod. Whatever was happening needed to happen. Both of them knew that as the only truth. This was a pain that could not be dried off. This was a pain that demanded to be felt.
After what felt like a little eternity, a woman clad in a white coat made her way towards them. She introduced herself as Doctor Pomfrey and helped them off the floor. Her brown hair was braided and her doe eyes were filled with kindness and care. She held on to Sirius’ hand after pulling him up and stroked Remus’ shoulder with her other hand. Sirius felt minimally comforted and felt a tinge of guilt at that. If James was hurting so should Sirius.
“You can see Mr. Potter now.” Doctor Pomfrey said and smiled small but genuinely.
Sirius nodded and followed the doctor through the hallway towards James’ room. Remus’ hand was clenched in his own, still grounding him. As Doctor Pomfrey slowly opened the door she spoke quietly, “I’ll come back in a little less than hour. Until then he is all yours. Just be gentle, alright?” The same affectionate smile was still on her face.
Sirius entered the room with Remus behind him and let out a deep breath.
James was laying on the hospital bed with a pillow behind his back, propping him into a somewhat upright position. He was grinning brightly at them and was currently digging into some ice cream with a golden spoon. He gave them an enthusiastic wave, “Oi lads, there you are. Finally! I had to tell Poppy a hundred times that I felt up for it before she agreed to go and get you.”
James’ elbow was wrapped into a beige bandage and he had a large Band-Aid across the left side of his forehead. But besides that: James looked fine. James was okay. Sirius felt a huge weight lift off his chest and pure, gentle relief flooded him.
Without thinking about it, Sirius started for James and engulfed him in a heart-clenching hug. He felt himself be elevated onto the bed and James pulled him close, the brothers finally embracing. “Never ever scare me like this again.” Sirius brought out and softly play-hit James on his chest. Sirius was crying again but he was also smiling and James really was okay.
It only seemed to occur to James now that Sirius and Remus had actually been worried about him. He pulled Sirius even tighter and whispered, “I’m okay, love. It’s okay.” Sirius felt himself take in those words and everything within him grew with delight and comfort. The emotion of the whole situation hit James and so he was also crying. Sirius had to laugh at James’ delayed, and anyways turned-out unneeded, distress. It was a little hypocritical since Sirius was also still crying. The sad tears were mixing with the happy ones and Sirius felt slightly delirious again but this time it felt more like dancing than dying.
Sirius turned his head and his wet eyes searched for Remus who was still standing close to the door. He looked deeply relieved but there was still something else in his gaze Sirius couldn’t quite decipher. Something in-between guilt and a deep-seated pain, something that was there but seemed out of reach even for Remus himself.
Sirius beckoned his boyfriend over with a slight wave of his hand. Remus trudged towards the bed and sat down at Sirius’s feet, propping them into his lap. Sirius reached out and took Remus’ hand, stroking it slowly. “What’s wrong, baby?” Remus only shrugged but the question seemed to unlock something in him and a single tear rolled down his face. It was a different crying than before, where it had been obvious distress now it was a hidden emotion. But it seemed to be all the stronger for it. “But look, Rem, he’s fine. James’s fine, we didn’t need to worry so much. He’s a big idiot, but he’s fine.” James let out a rumbling laugh at that but caught himself when he looked at Remus’ face. Remus still looked very out of it, hurt and confused and exhausted.
James sat up a little more and pulled Remus closer so he could hug him from the side, James’ big hands caressing Remus’ shoulders. “It must have been such a shock for you, Remus. I didn’t realise it just now, but of course. I was barely conscious the whole time while we were in the ambulance, huh? So you couldn’t have known that it was only a slight concussion. Poppy told me, my body has apparently an uncommonly strong reaction to brain damages. Nothing out of the ordinary and otherwise I’m fine. Besides those few scratches I mean.” He gestured to his elbow and forehead. “But shit I can only imagine how you must have felt, Rem. You couldn’t have known that it was all okay. I’m sorry for scaring you, love.”
This seemed to finally shake Remus out of his strange trance. “Sorry? James you’re not allowed to be sorry. I am sorry.” He said and shook his head with conviction.
“Why are you sorry?” James was genuinely confused at that and looked at Remus with a puzzled gaze. “For what could you be sorry?”
Sirius in contrast to James finally realised why Remus was acting the way he was. Why he said sorry now and why he kept saying he should have stopped James when he was explaining what had happened in the waiting room. Remus blamed himself, fully and entirely. It was so stupid and it was such a Remus thing to do. Sirius understood with a sudden urgency that they needed to talk about this.
But now was not the time. It should be just the two of them and he wasn’t quite ready to leave James’ side yet. They would talk after Poppy had come back to usher them out again.
For now, he just sent Remus the warmest look he could muster and pulled him into a lying position. It was a tight fit on the bed for the three boys but they made it work without effort. Hugging each other firmly, they spend the next hour in a comforting cocoon.
James was okay. And Sirius would make sure Remus would be too.