Chapter 1
The room was very warm as he kicked the sheets off with his legs, and his eyes were itching with sleep when he saw that the clock on his nightstand signaled it was 4am in the middle of the night. The man stumbled towards the door that led to the balcony, opening it and letting a soft breeze kiss his skin. He lit a cigarette and took a drag, appreciating the magnificent view of the limitless sea that he had from there. The sound of a bottle colliding with the floor made him dart his eyes towards the garden beneath and he couldn't help but sigh with disappointment.
Sirius knew Harry sat every single night in the garden by the pool, secretly drinking and refusing to drag himself into bed for fear he would see someone dying in his sleep, tired of waking up sweating, crying and screaming because of the nightmares.
- I'm sorry - Sirius whispered to the air, feeling like he was failing to his best friends as the cigarette burned between his long fingers and he stared at his godson clean the broken glass with a wave of his wand, wishing that all the broken things the war left behind could be fixed so easily.
The marauder had been naive enough to think that after the war everything was going to be alright, that he and Harry were going to live happily together as the family they were supposed to be, but things in Sirius' life never turned out the way he wanted.
It was as if the moment Voldemort died, a part of Harry died too and every time Sirius looked at his godson, he could only see a small shadow of what the boy used to be. An empty heart with no spark of life in his eyes, no melody or laughter in his voice, just a pale ghost that barely spoke to anyone and wandered around without purpose. To make everything worse, Moony was no longer there to help him go through this hell, things weren't supposed to be like this, but just like when James and Lily died, Sirius had to remain strong just for Harry's sake.
It had been almost a month after the battle of Hogwarts, after Harry was physically recovered, after all the funerals and trials, after the harassment from the press, after seeing Harry getting more lost inside himself as the days went by, that Sirius got sick of everything and decided to take his godson far away from England and the wizarding world to a place where they could mourn in peace and maybe start over again.
Harry always thought that with Voldemort gone, his life was going to be different, that he was finally going to have the normal life he always wanted, but it wasn't like that at all. He couldn't close his eyes because he kept seeing all the friends that were dead and gone and he wasn't able to change what had happened to them, he wasn't able to save them. His old life no longer existed, it had vanished in the blink of an eye.
And people kept staring and asking, wanting to know about everything, about his story, about his new scars. He couldn't stand being around the Weasleys now that Fred was gone, he had avoided all Ginny's attempts of talking to him, he couldn't feel happy for Hermione finding her parents again, he couldn't look at Teddy's chubby face without seeing his own broken childhood. He felt uncomfortable when everyone kept looking at him with worried eyes and kept asking him how he was feeling or if he was okay. And Harry had to dig his fingernails into his flesh and bite his tongue to stop himself from screaming at the top of his lungs that he was too numb and empty to feel anything at all.
Two weeks in a beautiful villa at the French Riviera with Sirius would be a dream for anyone, the refreshing air, the relaxing sounds of the sea, the vibrant colours of the sunsets made of this place a paradise on earth, or that's what they say, Harry didn't know a thing about it because in all their stay there, he had only abandoned the house to go to the garden and bury his heart at the bottom of a bottle of liquor every night.
He couldn't bring himself to enjoy anything, no matter how hard he tried, and Merlin he had tried. The part of Voldemort that lived inside him surely had left a big empty space, now he felt more lost and scared and alienated than ever before. He needed something, anything, to fill the immense abyss that was separating him from the world around him, but at the same time he felt repulsed by everything.
That's how he was sitting with a blank expression and playing with the food in front of him, taking drink after drink at the restaurant Sirius had forced him to go for dinner.
- I heard some kids, there's going to be a party here at the terrace later, maybe you can go and talk to some people around your age - said Sirius when he returned from the loo trying to make conversation with a mouth sealed Harry.
- I don't speak any french - replied Harry absently, not taking his eyes from his plate.
- People here are from everywhere, Harry, they don't only speak french, I'm sure you can find lots of english speakers - observed Sirius taking a sip from his drink - you can find new friends.
- I don't care, I'm not in the mood for a party anyways - shrugged Harry, making Sirius sigh.
They kept eating the delicious food, or at least Sirius did, until the lights around them dimmed, illuminating only the band that was playing music live. Harry hadn't really paid any attention to them or what kind of music they were playing before. But when the singer began to sing another song, Harry felt goosebumps spreading all over his skin and he raised his eyes to see how an ethereal ballerina all dressed in white, like an angel, began to dance to the rhythm of the music, evoking a plethora of feelings that resonated inside the empty walls of his chest, Harry felt the tears stinging in his eyes as he went through all the intricate moments of his life with a nostalgia that overwhelmed him. But at the same time he wasn't able to take his eyes from the girl as she gracefully moved around. Despite her dirty hands staining everything, she gave Harry the impression that she was floating in the air or flowing peacefully like water, and it made him think that if this magnificent troubled creature asked him to follow her, he would do it blindly without a doubt, he somehow felt the need to abandon himself to her mercy and let her guide him to the peace he was so desperately searching.
- I need to use the bathroom - Harry excused himself when the song ended and everyone around them clapped animatedly, avoiding Sirius' concerned stare.
The boy who lived discreetly whipped away the tears that were running down his cheeks, looking in the direction where the ballerina had disappeared. He had no idea what had possessed him to go after her, but the aching need to have her near was something he couldn't control.
A cool sea breeze hit Harry when he walked into the terrace of the restaurant and observed her leaning against the railing staring at the moon's reflection on the sea, her white dress giving the illusion of having feathers draped around the right places to enhance her figure.
His hands began to sweat as he slowly approached her - Hi - he said clearing his throat.
The girl turned around and her eyes widened with surprise when she saw him - Harry Potter, from beyond the grave- said after a few seconds no other than Pansy Parkinson as she composed herself and took a drag of her cigarette - I don't think this is the right place for a hero like you Potter.
Harry chuckled not for the irony that Pansy Parkinson of all people, the girl who had tried to sacrifice him to Voldemort, had been the one that had him wallowing in the depths of all that he thought was dead and making him feel something beautiful for the first time in weeks. He chuckled because her words had been wrong. He thought it was funny, considering that in fact he had died and somehow hadn't returned from his encounter with Dumbledore at King Cross, because since then he had been unable to connect his past life with what he was now, with whatever had come back from beyond.
- I don't think this is the place for someone like you either Parkinson, too many muggles - commented Harry, looking at her and seeing how changed she was, her skin was tanned, with some freckles on her nose and cheeks, her hair that was always impeccable and in the right place was now wavy and a little bit longer, framing her face that was sharper, not so round or chubby, making her look more mature like a gorgeous aristocratic young woman and no longer a girl.
- You're wrong - she replied with a smirk playing on her plump lips - the French Riviera is a sunny place for shady people just like me, besides if being surrounded by muggles is the price I have to pay for all my offenses, I don't mind - shrugged Pansy nonchalantly, but Harry could sense how she got defensive - it's better than being locked in Azkaban anyways.
- I don't think your offenses justify a stay in Azkaban - replied Harry staring straight into her eyes, noticing they were green too - we all were just scared kids.
- Really, what are you doing here Potter? Why are you even talking to me? - asked Pansy with a huff, suddenly looking rather offended and staring straight at his face - Shouldn't you be in England celebrating your victory with all your friends?
Maybe it was the way her eyes were burning holes on his skin, maybe it was the alcohol mixed with the soft scent of her perfume that was intoxicating him, or maybe it was the way her last question had made him feel angry and hurt that suddenly, without any warning, Harry trapped Pansy against the railing with his body, taking her by surprise for the second time that night.
- Just because you didn't lose anything in the war and are able to be here having a happy life doesn't mean… - their noses were almost touching and his blood was rushing through his veins, buzzing in his ears - I don't have anything to celebrate - he mumbled.
- You really don't know a thing, Potter. Are you really so self absorbed? - she asked, blowing out the smoke on his face and pressing a hand on his chest trying to put some distance between them - we all have lost something because of that bloody war, no one walked out of it untouched.
They stared at each other for a moment, green flashing against green. Harry could see himself reflected in her eyes for a second, until he realised that she was also alone and scared and it reminded him how she looked exactly the same way that awful night at Hogwarts.
- You're right- Harry whispered, taking a step back, confused by how warm his chest felt where Pansy's hand had touched him - Look I'm so…
- Don't even dare to apologize - interrupted Pansy, her eyes focused on the smoke rising from her cigarette - in any case I should be the one doing it... actually I've been meaning to write you a letter for a while now - she admitted with a low voice when he didn't say a thing.
- Why? - he frowned, wanting to feel her hand touching him again.
- I wanted to say thanks for what you did for Draco at his trial - she said with a nostalgic sigh - but instead all I have written have been apologies and pleas for your forgiveness…
- You don't have to apologize to me, I understand that you were scared and... - Harry said, as some kind of magnetic pull made him take a step closer to her, hearing her breathing.
- I do, I need to do it, but I can't find the right words, they all sound so empty and lack real meaning - Pansy replied looking down ashamed, her hair forming a curtain to hide her face - All I can say is I'm sorry, for tormenting you and your friends all these years and for trying to sell you out the night of the battle, I didn't want you dead.
- I already know that - he said not being able to resist the urge to touch her and gently lifting her chin, feeling Pansy's soft skin under the tips of his fingers - I should have listened to your suggestion that night…
Pansy furrowed her brows with confusion, but before she had any chance to ask him what he meant, an impatient young man called her from the door. Harry didn't understand a word of what Pansy had replied in a very fluent French, but when she walked away he knew she was requested somewhere else and that their little moment was over.
- Potter - Pansy turned around, fidgeting with her hands when she was only a few steps away - I still don't understand why you are here or what you meant, but if you… - she paused unsure, making eye contact one last time - nevermind, it was nice seeing a familiar face, even if it was you - she gave him a little smile that illuminated her face but not quite reached her eyes before walking back inside, leaving Harry standing alone and confused in the desolated terrace.
When he returned to the table Pansy was dancing again and this time looking at her felt like the warmth her hand had left on his chest had spread through his body giving him a pleasant sensation he hadn't felt in a very long time. He even accepted Sirius' suggestion to have dessert and even considered going to the stupid party, just to stay longer staring at her.
It was later that night that the warmth of the room made the marauder wake up with his mouth completely dry, he grabbed his wand and filled a glass with water. Like clockwork it was 4am in the middle of the night and just like every other night before, he went to his balcony to check if Harry was still in the garden avoiding Morpheus, but to his surprise he was nowhere to be seen.
Suddenly forgetting how thirsty he was, Sirius walked out of his bedroom worried, he never wanted to admit it but deep inside he was terrified that one of these days Harry would dare to commit to something crazy, something irreversible and he wasn't ready to lose the only person he had left.
To Sirius' relief he hadn't had to go that far because through the slight open door of Harry's bedroom, Sirius spotted the Potter boy sitting on his own bed, very concentrated and sketching something on the journal that was resting on his legs and humming one of the songs they had listened to at the restaurant.