Chapter 2
The sun was shining in the sky, kissing her smooth skin as her feet moved on their own, step after step through the hot rocks of the beach. She wasn't sure why she was doing this. Perhaps it was because for more than a month she had been interacting only with muggles and adapting to some of their weird behaviors was driving her crazy. It was definitely that and not the fact that since Potter's out of nowhere apparition some nights ago she hadn't been able to stop thinking about his melancholic green eyes, the eyes that told a story and reflected all the ways a soul can be bruised, the eyes that made her feel sorry.
The bright and calm surface of the sea was a big contrast with the raging waves of nervousness she was feeling inside as she finally approached the boy who lived, or was it man now? He definitely didn't look like a boy laying on the beach with his arm covering his eyes from the sun, but he didn't look like a man either, at least not like the tattooed man that accompanied him minutes ago and Pansy watched go for a swim.
- I think I owe you a proper apology - she said bluntly with her best calm and collected tone- my attempt from the other night was truly a fiasco.
Harry lazily stared at her for a second and Pansy could feel his eyes roaming through her body, making her self conscious that her shirt was open and exposing part of her abdomen and the cleavage of her bikini underneath.
- You don't owe me a thing Parkinson - he said sitting up - I already told you that…
- Yeah, yeah, that you should have followed my suggestion - Pansy interrupted, taking a seat at his side - I don't get what you meant by that, but I still feel guilty and I really need to make things right for once in my life.
He sighed before replying - It means that I ended up sacrificing myself, I think that if I would have done it when you suggested it, things would have been different… - he admitted quietly, his eyes lost in the sea - maybe lots of people would still be alive, that's why I don't really resent your words.
As some kind of strange and sick twist of fate Harry Potter had appeared in her life to remind her that, no matter where she was or how well she hid behind a happy mask, the past cannot be erased and that her raw shame, shattered pride and stupid mistakes were the thorns still stuck at the sides of her body making her bleed. And all he had to say about it was that things would have been different if they would have followed her suggestion? Her life was completely ripped to shreds because of the words of a scared and naïve girl and all Potter had to say was that she was right and everything was okay? What a joke.
- Yeah, you tell me about wanting things to be different- she said sarcastically, hell if she hadn't spent day after day wishing things were different, wishing she hadn't opened her mouth that night - most of the people in the wizarding world don't agree with you Potter.
- I'm used to it - he shrugged, giving her a strange look she couldn't decipher.
Pansy closed her eyes and breathed in, the salty scent of the sea filling her nostrils, the sand clinging to her skin, the laughter of some kids playing and splattering in the water made her open her eyes and she could count one, two, three, six, nine yachts on the horizon. That infinite horizon full of possibilities that she loved to see everyday since she had arrived. A carefree summer in paradise, that's what Pansy had in her mind when she left England more than a month ago and the French Riviera had been the right place, a place full of temptations in which those who fell were rarely doomed to expulsion, it had opened its doors and accepted her without a caring about her name or her past or her mistakes, giving her the chance of a new fresh start.
- What can I do for you to forgive me? - asked Pansy after a moment of silence, noticing the tattooed man giving not so subtle looks in their direction.
- I've already forgiven you Parkinson - replied Harry tired.
- Those are empty words to me - she admitted rolling her eyes- I really need to do something you know, to clear my conscience and be able to move on past all this… so, what do you want?
- Sorry, but you can't give me what I want - he admitted, anxiously tracing patterns on his arm with his nails.
- I'm aware, but I don't mean it on a deep level Potter - Pansy studied the troubled expression on his face - what about ice cream? I have some muggle money, I can buy you a cone or a bottle of the best rosé if you prefer - she suggested and chewed her lower lip when he didn't respond- I can even suck your cock if you want…
- I… what? - Harry stared at her shocked, a scarlet blush coloring his cheeks and Pansy knew that it wasn't because of the sun.
- You've heard me, I can suck your…- she said very seriously, trying not to laugh at his face.
- Wine, there's no need to… - he interrupted her immediately stumbling over his words and taking a deep breath- I mean, wine will be okay.
- Okay, great - declared Pansy suddenly feeling the awkwardness that surrounded them - Do you know how to get to the central square?
He shook his head in denial and she stood up, grabbing her bag and looking at the tattooed man walking out of the water.
- Well, then meet me here again in a few hours, before sunset, and don't worry Potter it won't be a date - she added with a little smirk before walking away.
The sun was already setting and drenching everything in its cooling glow when Harry arrived at the beach. He was late, but the doubt kept him walking slowly. He wasn't sure of what he was doing, he hadn't been sure about his actions since the night he saw Pansy dancing and he had spent the following nights drawing and sketching her. She had left everything inside him turned upside down and he couldn't find an explanation, maybe that curiosity was the reason why he had decided to show up after all.
He spotted Pansy sitting on a rock in a desolate corner of the beach, she was wearing a white short summer dress, her legs tucked up underneath her. He took a moment to see her, really see her, the way she looked like a painting with the sky slowing turning pink, red, orange behind her, she was unrecognizable, so simple, so mesmerizing, so timeless, lost in her own thoughts, nothing at all like the epitome of confidence and superiority that he was so used to see in her.
- You're late - reproached Pansy when Harry carefully stood next to her on the rock.
- I know, it took me some time to find you here - lied Harry - what's all this? - he asked surprised to see that she not only had some bottles of rosé, but also some pieces of fruits, cheese and dark chocolate.
Pansy rolled her eyes and offered him a bottle of wine - I'm not going to force you to share a moment with me, but you can't drink the best rosé in the world alone.
She looked at him expectantly, almost inviting. Her big doe eyes staring at him, almost piercing through his soul. He was sure that Pansy Parkinson was bad news, something dangerous perhaps, but there was something about her eyes that drawn him in like a moth to a flame, and he fluttered, defenceless towards that little fire. What else was there to do? He was already lost and had nothing to lose, it didn't matter if he burnt himself. So closing his eyes in a silent surrender he sat next to her.
The sky turned a deep shade of blue as they ate and drank wine and Pansy rambled about flavors and scents and blends and things Harry really didn't understand but somehow enjoyed.
Because he could sit there while she did all the talking and stare at his trainers, a navy blue pair of converse Sirius had gifted him saying that James had owned a pair exactly like that. He kept hearing Pansy talking and not really paying much attention, but he liked her voice, so soft, so captivating, so calming. It felt nice for once not being asked questions about him or how he felt or the war, not being seen with worried, pitiful eyes.
It only took her two glasses of wine to slowly start to tear apart some of the defensive walls she had around her, to start loosing up her tongue and start talking about how everyone began to point at her and call her death eater just because of her words at the great hall, just because she was a Slytherin, a close friend of Draco Malfoy, she talked about how her parents couldn't handle the negative comments and attention on the family and decided to kick her out of her home. He could feel in her voice how it hurt her, how betrayed and abandoned she felt, all the guilt and regret that consumed her.
- Believe it or not I never really thought that they were going to pay much attention to me - Pansy said lighting a cigarette - so that's why I ended up here, because I needed to escape from all that - she added hugging her knees against her chest - but I still think about it all the time, I keep thinking why I acted the way I did and…
Her voice cracked, quaved and she didn't finish her sentence, she just emptied her glass of wine and took a drag of her cigarette.
- Why do you dance for muggles?- asked Harry with curiosity, trying to change the subject.
- It's easy money and I needed some - Pansy shrugged - I was skeptical at first, because I wasn't really searching for it and old judgements are hard to kill - she said pouring herself another glass of wine - but I'm currently living with this girl, her name is Juliette, she plays in her brother's band and when I mentioned that I practice ballet since I was five years old she invited me to dance.
Harry chuckled and took a piece of cheese to his mouth - I don't imagine you, the perfect pureblood slytherin princess, living with muggles.
- Don't mock me Potter, I'm trying my best to adapt to all this - she replied scowling at him - besides muggles don't know a thing about the wizarding world, they don't ask questions about the war or you know who or if I was a death eater - replied Pansy, laying down on the blanket - and although I miss feeling other magic around me besides my own, it's nice not being pointed at or getting spiteful stares as I walk down the street.
Harry seemed pensive as he played with a stone between his fingers - Yeah, I can understand that.
- It's part of starting over and growing up, I guess… - stated Pansy staring at the stars that illuminated the sky - I mean, we are not kids anymore, I can't see things through the delicate, innocent eyes of the spoiled, selfish teenage girl I used to be, too many things happened to her, and we don't deserve to spend the rest of our lives on our knees begging for forgiveness and lamenting…
- It's easy to say that when you probably don't have blood on your hands - interrupted Harry throwing the stone far away into the water.
- The blood in your hands saved millions of lives - admitted Pansy sitting up and looking at the side of his face.
- Lots of people died because of me- stated Harry bitterly, clenching his jaw- I didn't save anyone, I only saved myself… and for what? - he asked in a whisper to no one.
He hadn't noticed that he was digging his nails in his forearm, not until Pansy placed her small hand over his.
- Sometimes I think that I lost my life the night of the battle too, because nothing has been the same since then - admitted Pansy softly, her hand almost burning his skin - and I don't understand why I'm still here while others don't, I can barely recognise the person I am now, but I'm still a Slytherin, the ability of surviving is in my blood and I rather die than give others the satisfaction to see me broken and defeated… I don't think you survived all those things just to end up like this.
A moment passed and no one said a thing, Harry took a deep breath and tried to calm himself, listening to the soothing sound of the sea and Pansy's breathing at his side, her hand still holding his own. He wondered what she was thinking, she probably thought he was pathetic and crazy. He remembered how she used to mock him when they were in fifth year and everyone thought he was a lunatic and a liar, but the Pansy sitting next to him wasn't the same from a few years ago, she had told him herself and for some strange reason he believed her every word, because in some intricately way she understood what he was feeling.
Pansy grabbed the forgotten bottle of wine and took a sip, not bothering to pour it in a glass - this is one of my favourite spots… - this time it was her turn to change the subject.
- Why? - he asked, grabbing the bottle she offered.
- Because at day I can sit here and look at the horizon think about the future and at night I can sit here before the abyss and look at the darkness below - replied Pansy with a longing expression on her face - sometimes I just want to jump, throw myself into it, wishing that the water would wash away all the discomfort and war that clings to me.
Harry looked at her eyes and couldn't say a word, all the words dying in his throat. It was strange the way she had voiced the things he was thinking, how she seemed to understand his feelings better than himself, how there was something connecting them.
- Do you think your parents and friends would have gone for a swim at night? - she suddenly asked.
- Probably yes - he replied, internally smiling because yes, he knew his parents would have done it, particularly James would have dived right in and he would have convinced Remus with Sirius help for sure, he thought of Fred who never said no to an adventure and Dobby, whom last words were about a beautiful beach.
- Then c'mon, I think we should jump to the water - she said, standing up and taking off her shoes.
- And I think you're drunk, we don't have bathing suits - he observed like it was the most obvious thing.
- Who says we need them? - smirked Pansy attempting to take off her summer dress.
Harry turned his head immediately and focusing his eyes in the lights of the distant city, he asked - What about merpeople? What if they attack us? The shore is not that close - he wasn't worried about it, but the idea of Pansy getting naked next to him was making his heart beat out of time.
- C'mon, don't be a bore, I heard you have done more dangerous things - Harry heard her laughing - just live a little Potter, just for those who couldn't - his eyes darted to his side where Pansy threw her dress.
The sound of a splash made him run towards the edge of the rock, it wasn't that high, maybe two meters at most. Harry looked down and saw Pansy's head emerging to the surface and he left of out a breath he didn't know he was holding.
- You must do it Potter, the water feels delicious and I promise I won't peek from here if you take off your clothes - she shouted as she floated - where's the brave Gryffindor hero?
There was something in her voice, something enticing, inviting him to take a leap of faith into the darkness beneath him, into something unknown. He stood there unsure, tapping his fingers on his sides, he wasn't nervous or afraid, he had done more dangerous things in his short life. But this felt like one of those rare moments when something important is about to happen and something changes forever.
- Just close your eyes - he yelled, taking off his shirt and unclasping his belt, thinking that maybe he wasn't drunk enough to do it, but he couldn't refuse, not now.
Harry jumped and flew off the edge of the rock. It wasn't at all like the time he had jumped in the frozen lake to retrieve the horcrux or when they had jumped from the dragon or the moment of the second task in fourth year. This time it was different, a liberating and beautiful feeling surrounded him as he dived deep in the water. Everything around him was so calm, so warm, he imagined that babies probably felt like that in the womb of their mothers and he remained under the surface until his lungs began to burn.
- It wasn't funny - exclaimed Pansy splashing some water at his face when he emerged to the surface.
- Were you worried about me Parkinson? - He asked out of breath, returning the gesture and laughing, initiating a silly war of water.
There was something in the air in that moment, something about the environment that captured the essence of the two of them. The contrast of land and sea, the roughness and sharpness of the rocks against the softness and the crashing of the waves that created this sort of perfect balance that was making them gravitate and float around each other. Harry didn't notice when the splattering ended or how the muffled distant noises suddenly disappeared, all he could notice were the heavy drops on Pansy's eyelashes making them look longer, how the moonlight made her skin glow, the tiny tattoo decorating her skin under her clavicle that he couldn't figure out what it was because he wasn't wearing his glasses.
He didn't know who moved first, maybe they both did, he blamed the adrenaline of the jump running through his veins, or maybe he was grateful because he got to feel how soft warm and full her lips were and how her mouth tasted really sweet, like the apple that hung so seductively from the forbidden tree, like a sin he didn't mind committing because suddenly everything was peaceful, both inside his head and out of it.
- Does that mean you forgive me? - asked Pansy, a nervous laugh escaping her lips, his skin tickling where her hand rested on his cheek.
- Yes, I think so - he smiled, feeling the tiny spark of life and hope that she had ignited inside him.
A total bliss and relief reflected in her eyes and her laugh resonated louder as she swam away, leaving him there with her taste on his lips and his heart fluttering inside his chest, falling over itself foolishly.
It wasn't just forgiveness, he wasn't thinking about that when they kissed, it was nothing and everything at the same time, it was something selfish. Who was he kidding? Pansy had left him completely reeling for the second time that day. All the emptiness, all the grit, the war, the deaths and frenzy that usually buzzed inside of him out of control went quiet when she was present, it was some kind of soft caress, a gentle awakening and the end of everything he understood about her so far.