Chapter 7
‘James?’ No reply.
‘James?’ Evan repeated, voice raw, breaking. He ran through the Potter hallway, trying desperately to drag his friend out of wherever he was hidden away.
‘Is everything alright?’ Effie’s voice chimed down from the kitchen, but Evan didn’t say anything, letting silent tears run down his cheeks. Evan pushed against the locked door, James’ locked door, his knees giving up, caving in. That was how James found him, in a pile on the floor, crying, hiccuping, trying to catch his breath but failing.
Evan didn’t even hear James opening the door, too busy wallowing in his own sadness to care. He only realised his friend was with him when warm arms snaked around his shoulder, pulling his head into the crook of James’ neck. Evan kept his hands firmly planted in his eyes, hiding himself, but as he felt James’ soothing touch, his hands fell to wrap around his friend. James’ voice could be heard breaking through his loud sobs, but Evan wasn't computing what he was saying.
It wasn’t James that snapped Evan out of his stupor, but rather Regulus, who Evan was yet to notice.
‘What did you do?’ His tone was cruel, uncaring for Evan’s state, but Evan wasn't offended, he knew he deserved the attitude from Regulus. Instead of upsetting Evan, he let out a smile, the thought that Barty had someone who cared about him that much, that Barty had people who could make him happy and protect him. Someone who could protect Barty from him .
The harsh words made Evan sit upright, his face red, eyes puffy, and still heaving himself halfway into a panic attack.
‘I-I I’m so sorry, Regulus.’ Evan stuttered out between sobs. Regulus looked down at the boys huddled on the floor, and a look of pity was on his face at the sight of Evan, but it was gone as soon as it appeared.
Evan turned to watch Regulus run to the window, he looked out, peering over, head twisting as he surveyed the road, before he sighed and slumped onto James' mattress. ‘He is gone. He left the car. For fucks sake, Evan! I told you to be fucking kind to him!’ Evan stood slowly, looking towards Regulus on James' bed, from the doorframe.
‘Reg…’ James warned, trying to calm the younger. But Evan shook his head, he didn't deserve his friends' protection. ‘James, it's okay. I-I deserve this.’ Evan tried to sound confident but he was still hiccuping, and rubbing his eyes to try and erase the tears.
That made Regulus falter, the boy clearly didn’t need to be told off, he already felt horrible, that much was evident. Regulus’ eyes flicked around the room, calculating his options, before pushing off the wall and walking into James’ bathroom with a resounding sigh. The door slammed shut behind him, causing the boys to flinch in their hold. James walked over to the door cautiously, but Evan gripped his wrist, holding him in place.
‘James. Do you hate me?’ Evan sounded so broken, so heartfallen, the words made James whimper. Sadness fell onto his face, pulling his mouth into a devastated frown as he replied, ‘Evan, of course, I don’t hate you. Never think that.’ He spoke with certainty like it would be okay. Evan wanted to believe him, to fall into his calm demeanor and allow himself to feel okay, but he couldn't, not when he could still taste Barty on his tongue, still feel his hands on his waist smell his cologne on Evan’s skin.
‘Are you not even going to ask what I did?’ Evan hissed, angry that his friend was being so lenient with him. He couldn't compute it, Evan’s whole life his father had treated everything with ruthless punishment, uncaring. He had shaped Evan to accept hits, to take them, and to comply. Evan had heard more yelling in his lifetime, so much so that he grew accustomed to it.
Before anyone had to tell Evan he had made a mistake Evan knew, and would simply wait for a hand on him, like his father gave him. Evan would await the yelling, and when it didn't come, Evan felt like a fish out of water. So Evan knew he was fucked up, that he had fucked up. But James wasn't yelling. Barty didn't yell at him. Hell, even Regulus hadn't yelled at him.
And sadistically, Evan didn't know what to do with himself. Evan could deal with screams like the back of his hand, but comfort felt like a blip in the system, a mistake, leaving Evan unsure of himself, and scared.
‘Do you want to tell me?’ Evan wanted to scream, if nobody else was going to be mean, then maybe he had to take it upon himself to fill the silence. He was dumbfounded, that after what happened, he was being treated like a normal person.
‘I kissed Barty. And it was nice. Really nice. But then I ran away.’ Evan didn't sugarcoat it, didn't want to try and sway James to his side, he wanted to push him away, to test his limits, see what his breaking point would be. It was wrong of him, and he knew that, but he was drowning in niceties, he needed honesty. ‘Told him I wasn’t gay.’ Evan spoke clearly, his voice didn’t sound regretful, but he was, he regretted it more than any mistake he had ever made in his life because that was what it was. A mistake . If Barty was still downstairs, Evan would run after him, apologise, and confess.
He would beg, he would do anything .
It didn't matter if the thought terrified him if Evan didn't even know if he was gay, or whatever he might be. Because his whole life he was uncertain, backtracking, and doubting himself. But he knew that he wanted Barty, it might have been the only thing he had ever known.
James was looking at him, with that same look in his eyes. No resentment, or anger. ‘Stop trying to push me away, Evan. I don’t hate you. You made a mistake, we all do it, I did the exact same thing you did, in case you forgot. But just,’ James paused, ‘Just, don't push me away. Please.’ James finished. The words caught Evan by surprise, he hadn't realised his intentions were so obvious to his friend, but it seemed James always knew what to say to put his mind at ease.
Evan had to fight his instincts to push, to anger. He fought them and decided to take the words at face value. His friend's words mulled over him for a moment, before he spoke, ‘What do I do?’
James sighed at that, and patted the space beside him on the mattress, to which Evan just trotted over, and slumped down on the bed, his body relaxing into the mattress and leaning back to stare up at James’ ceiling.
‘Apologise.’ Is all James said, and Evan didn't blink, he knew that was the answer, he hadn't needed James to tell him. Evan didn't look down at his friend on the end of the bed. He opened his mouth, contemplating, closing it a few times, before deciding to ask, ‘James…’ Evan sounded shaky again, but this time it wasn't sadness, but fear, ‘Isn’t it wrong… To be, you know, gay ?’ Evan winced when he heard James take a sharp intake of breath, he felt bad for even asking, knowing who his friend was, knowing who was in the next room over, and knowing who he was.
‘Ev, your dad really did a number on you, huh?’ His friend spoke, trying to lighten the mood, but failing, as the sadness was audible. ‘I mean, I like guys, you don’t think I’m wrong, do you?’ Evan instantly went to say that he didn’t think James was weird, but he stopped, thinking his words over. He hadn’t really considered that James was technically gay. James, his best friend, who he loved. James, who held him as he grew up when he would cry about his father. James, who came to his mother's funeral with him, told him he was proud of Evan for all the times his father hadn’t. That same James was gay. And nothing changed.
James was still himself, and he didn't seem upset at the thought of Evan being gay. James was always the more confident of the two, but Evan thought for a moment that if James could be brave, then so could he.
‘I like Barty, a lot. And, I don’t know if I am gay, or something, but I like him, and I know that. I want to be with him.’
‘That’s great, Ev. I’m happy for you. You deserve to be happy.’ The words cut through Evan, as he looked to where his friend was already looking at him, Evan punched forward, wrapping his arms around his friend, and letting a smile onto his face. He hadn’t even known that he needed to hear that, but of course, James always seemed to know.
He deserved to be happy. The seemingly obvious concept was groundbreaking for Evan. He had let himself be sad his whole life, had not fought for more, accepting that maybe that was all he was destined for. But Barty made him happy, and he wanted that for himself. For once in his life, he wanted more and was going to get it.
Evan unlinked from the hug and stood to walk towards the door. But he stopped in his footsteps, turning around and grinning to James.
‘I’m happy for you too, James. You deserve happiness.’ James smiled back, and Evan turned back to knock on the locked door.
The bathroom had been silent since Regulus walked in, Evan had almost forgotten the boy was in there, but he needed something, and he prayed that Regulus would help him.
He knocked, ‘Regulus? I know you can hear me, so I am just gonna speak, okay?’ No reply, as expected but it didn't stop Evan.
‘I know I fucked up, I was in a bad place, kind of still am,’ He chucked at that to himself, ‘But I really like Barty, and I want to be happy, I want to make him happy. I know I hurt him, but I want to fix it, please let me fix it.’ Still, no reply, that time it did affect Evan, so he knocked again.
‘Regulus?’ The room on the other side made some noise, some shuffling, and a small muffled curse came, before the door unlocked, and Regulus stood at him, glaring.
‘Evan I gave you a chance, I warned you, and you broke that promise. How can I be expected to trust you this time.’ And honestly, that was fair.
‘I know this isn't an excuse, but I mean, I am kinda fucked up, I never really knew love, never thought I would be able to have it, so I never even let myself think about it, thought it was completely unattainable. It isn’t really made for someone like me.’ James spoke behind him, trying to stop Evan from being so self-deprecating, but Evan wasn't done.
‘I used to think that,’ He gave James a pointed look, and turned back to Regulus, ‘But now, I think that I deserved it. I am by no means perfect, and I can’t guarantee that I won't make mistakes, but Barty might be the only person who I have ever felt like I deserved to be loved around.’ James made an offended noise behind him, ‘Loved, romantically .’ He corrected and smiled at the pleased noise James made.
Regulus rolled his eyes at James, and just looked Evan in the eye, sizing him up, before asking, ‘Okay, what do you want from me?’ Evan had won, he was getting closer to his goal, and he could practically feel Barty.
‘Where is he? I need to speak to him as quickly as I can.’ Regulus nodded at that, pulling out his phone, and scrolling, unspeaking, tension grew in the room as the only sound was tapping from Regulus’ screen before he looked up at Evan.
‘The skatepark, by school.’ That was all Evan needed to hear, before running out of the room, downstairs. He stopped in the kitchen when he felt Euphemia, Fleamont, and Pandora all looking at him like he had grown a third head.
‘Uhh, Hello. Thank you so much for offering to have me!’ He rushed out, smiling at them sheepishly as he remembered he hadn't actually thanked them yet.
‘It is no bother, thank you for coming.’ Effie said easily. ‘Were you going somewhere?’
‘I was just going to go to the skatepark, I have to talk to someone.’ Effie gave him a knowing look, before walking outside and coming back in with a bike, ‘Course, dear, take this, otherwise it will take you ages. It’s James' old one, you can have it now.’
Her generosity was borderline overwhelming to Evan, who was only coming to terms with the idea that he was worth love. He thanked her profusely, and kicked off to the door, hopping swiftly on the bike, and kicking off to the skatepark. He knows the direction vaguely, mostly checking signs along the way. He was speeding down the road, terrified Barty would leave during his ride, itching to see him.
As the evening sun shone over Evan, the wind in his hair as he rode, he looked down at himself, scoffing as he remembered he was still wearing his outfit from the Party. The wind was heavy as he rolled down a steep hill, the breeze in his hair, and the movement took very little to unbutton the last button Evan had in his shirt, hanging on by a thread.
The silk flagged in the air, fully opening and his chest felt the sun, and gentle flow of oxygen on his skin.
The skatepark pulled into his eyeline, and it only made Evan speed up, uncaring that he was growing in a stitch, or that he was sweating lightly. He needed to see Barty.
The bike was thrown somewhere on the side of the field, in a reckless pile, Eavn ran to where the skatepark started. He looked around at the groups of people and his eyes lit up when he saw a familiar head of hair facing a group of others he didn't know. Evan smiled upon seeing him, excitement taking over him. He jogged over to the other side of the park, Barty had his back to him, and hadn't noticed the boy was there, just speaking with a beer bottle in his hand. Someone must've seen Evan sprinting over, eyes locked on Barty, because one of the guys in the circle tapped him. Causing Barty to turn around, and finally, finally , look at Evan.
Barty looking at him felt like time stopped, like every other person in the world blurred. Those green eyes locked on Evan, slipping to his bare stomach, and looking back up. Barty didn’t smile at seeing him, which hurt, but Evan expected it, and he wasn't giving up. Evan was here for what he wanted, and what he wanted stood 5 feet in front of him.
The group around Barty were silently watching the exchange, before someone Evan had never seen before began, ‘Crouch, who is that?’ That name.
Crouch .
Evan called him Crouch, Evan used to be the only person to call him Crouch. Evan snarled at the guy, which made Barty laugh. Evan looked away from the guy behind Barty the second he heard the sound, God, he missed Barty so much.
‘Barty, can we talk?’ Barty was looking at Evan, smiling now, and when he didn't move to speak, Evan spoke again, ‘Please, Bee?’
The nickname elicited a few rude laughs from Barty’s friends, but Evan did not care when it made Barty smile, and move towards Evan. Evan couldn't help but grin at the sight of Barty approaching him, he reached out to grab Barty’s wrist and dragged him away from his friends. He wanted Barty alone, and Barty just let Evan drag his body.
‘Ev-’ Barty began once they were both standing beside the fence, away from any prying ears.
‘No, I am sorry Barty, I was fucked up to say that,’ Evan held a hand over Barty’s mouth, speaking over the boy. He had a lot to say, ‘I really like you, Barty, I want to be with you, if you will have me?’ The confession lingered in the air, and Evan stared up at Barty above him, who was looking at Evan fondly, once more.
‘So, you still ‘not gay’?’ Barty asked finger quotes in the space between them, which made Evan blush profusely.
‘No. I like guys, I know that for sure. I mean I have to because I like you.’ Evan replied. ‘I hope you don't like guys, I just want you to like me.’ Barty teased, but he was right.
‘You are the only person who I have ever felt like this for, I feel like you are the only person who will ever make me feel like this.’ The admission felt strong, but it was true, Evan couldn't ever see himself liking someone the way he liked Barty.
The small space between them grew small, as Barty’s head slunk down to meet Evan below him, when the familiar had found its way to Evan’s bare waist, he felt like it belonged there and should stay there forever.
‘Good.’ Barty spoke possessively, smirking proudly at Evan’s declaration, ‘Me too.’ He added, going straight to Evan's head, his ego felt impenetrable at that moment. He had Barty, and he would never let go again.
‘Be mine?’ The whisper Evan let out tickled Barty’s skin, their lips brushing.
‘I already am, Rosie.’ Barty closed the gap with those words, opening his lips to meet Evan. It was different from their early kiss, softer, deeper, more intimate. It meant something, represented something. They both knew it wouldn't be their last, they didn't have to make it quick, they could savor it, go slower, and explore every part of the other, mapping it to memory. The feeling of Barty against him was something Evan didn't think he could ever go without again.
Barty pulled away first, and Evan tried to chase after the lips, but Barty chucked at him and held him in place with his grip on Evan’s waist.
‘I’m sorry for everything, I will never hurt you again.’ Evan felt the need to say it, under Barty’s stare, and wanted to prove he could be perfect, but Barty didn't want him perfect, he wanted him as he was.
‘You will, and that’s okay. I won't let you leave so easily next time.’
A feeling of comfort washed over him, of happiness, and peace. Evan felt like his brain was silent for a moment, no longer whirring with thoughts, and worries. It was quiet, as he let himself lay his head on Barty’s chest.
If this is what being loved felt like, then Evan wanted to feel it every day for the rest of his life, he wanted Barty to feel it too. And as he kissed Barty’s cheek, smiling at the blush appearing on the other, he hoped he already felt it, felt what Evan was feeling.
‘I will pay for the first date, my apology.’ Barty barked out a laugh at that, wrapping an arm around Evan’s shoulder and walking in tandem with the blonde, grabbing his skateboard from the edge of the fence, ignoring his friend's wolf whistles at their kiss, simply giving a middle finger and smiling at their laughter.
When they both had all their stuff, they walked together, conversation flowing easily between them, the sun setting above them. Barty had his hand on Evan’s waist, and Evan leaned his head into Barty’s neck, it was there that he felt okay.
Maybe Barty was right, maybe he was pathetic, because as he looked up at Barty speaking animatedly, hand flying his skateboard all over the place as he told his story, Evan thought that maybe he already loved him, and maybe, that was okay.