-61-
After the holidays, the castle gets filled with students. All of them are having big smiles on their faces. Everyone's talking about how their Christmas went and what kind of presents they got. Seeing Ron's and Ginny's faces going down makes me feel so sad for them. They lost their home after all. Fucking Death Eaters. All the memories Burrow hold... Can only image how they feel. But I did hear how Arthur was already planning on re-building the house, after they get the money for it - that is. Onto the more positive things; Neville and Luna are walking hand in hand around the castle all of the time after the classes. That's really nice thing to witness. They look perfect together. Some of the students still talks about the Yule Ball, and how nice it was for them. We never actually caught the person who was passing the alcohol around, but... What can you do?
It doesn't come as surprise at this point that I have been avoiding Severus this entire time he came back to Hogwarts. I know his usual time schedule. What time he eats, when he'll walks certain paths, how long he will stay inside the Potions classroom after the students leave etc. So it has been quite easy for me to avoid all the places and times I might run into him. I just don't know what to say or do anymore. My mind is all over the place. The image of the night of the Yule Ball keeps replaying in my head like a broken record. Heart still feels freshly broken, even I don't like to admit it. How come he didn't ever tell me he has someone in his life? Why did he share all of those moments with me? Leading me on... All of these questions keeps flashing no matter how hard I try to ignore them. Eventually, I came to the conclusion, that I will behave professionally when it comes seeing him. After all, we are just colleagues. Like he said.
Two weeks has gone by. After eating lunch, I notice the time and remember how I need to get out of the Great Hall before the Potions Master will arrive. This is ridiculous, I know. But I am not ready to face him yet. I need more time. When I get out of the Great Hall and walk in the corridors a bit, I hear someone whine:"C'mon, Draco. Talk to me!". Huh? My legs stops themselves just before the corner where the voice came from. Recognizing the voice, it's Pansy - the Slytherin student who broke down crying at the Ball. "This isn't working if you don't talk to me." the girl keeps insisting. Very carefully, I peek behind the corner to see what is going on. Draco and Pansy are sitting on a bench, and he looks very stressed about something. Wonder if it has something to do with his father? Just thinking about it makes me nervous.
Pansy is holding on Draco's hand tightly that is resting on his lap. Since he won't say anything, she grabs him by the chin and tries to turn his gaze from the floor:"Look at m..-", "Don't!" he quickly breaks the touch and gets up. She looks baffled:"Draco..!". Draco storms off, not looking back. Realizing he's coming this way, so I press my back against the wall fast. Oh, shit. Light wind goes by as the student rushes past me. He didn't see me. Phew..! Tears raises on Pansy's eyes and she runs to other direction. Seems that what ever is going on between them doesn't look going well. For a moment I struggle what should I do. Draco has been acting very suspicious these past few weeks. It has to do something about his parents. Maybe he's going thru what I did?
The thought of that is like a pang to my heart. He needs someone to talk to. Someone who knows the pressure of their parents and what they might haveto go thru to have their approval. But the truth is... No matter what'd you do, it never will be enough. After all... He's just a boy. It's like there is a string attached, I go after the student, feeling of the worry raising in me. Bet he hasn't gone far. But as soon as I take my third turn in these corridors, I bump into someone. My head snaps up to see them:"Oh! Pardon me..-!", it's the Potions Master himself! Immediately, my heart skips a beat, eyes goes wide and lips apart a bit out of surprise. Looks like he got off guard too, but is quick to gain his composer. "(Y/N)." his smooth tone sends shivers down my spine. "Snape." I nod politely and walk past him. There is a small twitch in those black eyes.
Can't even remember when was the last time I called him by the surname when there's no one around. But for me able to stay professional towards him - like I promised myself, I can't use his first name. Just when I have walked past him and gone three meters away, he turns to me:"Where are you wandering off to?". Even I planned on just walk away, his voice stops me right there. Damn it. This man has this magical hold of me which I'm not happy with. Turn to look at him while keeping the polite attitude:"Talk to a student.". "About?" he asks. My mind goes blank:"Stuff.". Both of his eyebrows raise. Guess he didn't expected that kind of answer. Then again, neither did I... "'Stuff'?" the Potions Master repeat. Acting like there is nothing wrong with the answer I just gave him, I nod quickly few times and start walking away:"Uh-huh. And because of that, I really need to keep going. Bye!". Well, that went well.
To think that was our first conversation alone after what happened at the Yule Ball. My heart aches a bit when I saw him. The rejection still haunts me and I almost have started to regret how I blurted out my feelings. 'Those who are brave enough to express their true feelings and do as the heart tells, have the most less regrets.' Dumbledore's words echoes in my head. Sorry, sir. I beg to differ. No matter how far I went, couldn't find Draco anywhere. "Damn it." I whisper under the breath. Soon enough, the lunch hour was over and the classes continued. It's nice to get the mind elsewhere in middle all of these mixed feelings I'm going thru lately. What's also pleasant, is to see how many of the students are actually interested in History of Magic. Specially the Muggle borns.
Ending the last lesson of today with the third years while having the usual bright smile on:"Alright! That'll be all for today. Good job, everyone!". Students got up and slowly starts leaving the classroom. Vivian approaches my desk and we start discussing about specific plant she's interested in. She told me she'd rather speak about Herbology with me. According to her, Professor Sprout won't give the direct answer to a question right away. She will give you this hour long speech till even you yourself get lost what was the answer to your own question. Vivian and I burst out laughing after our conversation, when all of sudden something caught the Hufflepuff student's eye. I see she noticed something right at the doorway:"Hm?". It's Professor Snape! My body stiffens right away and heart runs down to stomach. What is he doing in here?!
The Potions Master stands at the doorway with the usual cold and cool manner, staring right us:"I'd wish to speak with Professor (Y/L). Alone.". Panic starts increasing inside me. There's no one else here right now other the three of us. I don't wanna be left alone with him! Vivian is about to take her first step beside me to head out this classroom, but I quickly answer:"I'm afraid Professor Snape that won't do. Miss Wallnut and I have things to talk about. So if you'll please...". Trying so hard act all cool and neutral as I'm sitting behind the desk. Professor Snape shifts his gaze from me to the student, sending daggers to the poor girl. Immediately Vivian feels uneasy and nervous smile creeps on her face:"It's alright, Professor. I-I think I got everything I needed. Thank you.". With that, the student leaves the classroom. As she's passing by the dungeon bat, she won't even dare to look directly at him. How on earth I forgot how afraid these students are of him?! The power this man has...
It got quiet after she left. Out of nervousness and awkwardness of the situation, I start sorting my desk. "What brings you here?" I ask while looking down to the surface. No answer. Still can't look at him, so I pretend like I'm trying to read a piece of parchment while talking to him:"Bet you don't have any questions regarding History of Magic, so I believe I can not help with anyth..-", all of sudden, Snape stands other side of this desk - right in front of me, and slams a hand against the surface of it. Huh?! Immediately, I wince and head snaps right up to him. My whole body froze right in there out of surprise. Why did he do that for? The Potions Master looks angry. There is this dangerous shine in his dark eyes. My heart starts beating fast after it find it way to start working again.
He's gritting his teeth while staring right in my (e/c) eyes:"If anyone in this world knows how much I hate to be ignored, it'll be you, (Y/N). Specially by you.". What?! There is a mix of confusion and flushtered all over my face. "Do you really think I haven't noticed how you have changed your regular schedule after the holidays?" his voice oozes smooth dripping venom. Panic hits. How come he's always onto me?! Haveto come up with something to get out of this intense situation! Good thing the desk is here to create some distance between us. Otherwise he'd be standing so close! He's looking right in my (e/c) eyes. Even there is this internal panic going inside of me right now, I answer as normally as I can:"What's wrong with that? Sometimes it's good to change the schedule. You should try it.". He doesn't seem to be pleased with the answer.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have places to be." I lie and start heading out of the classroom. Maybe I'll go to Minerva and see what she's doing? Just when I walk past him, Snape grabs me by the arm, making me stop right away. Surprised by the touch, my head snaps right at him. "You are being insufferably difficult, (Y/N)." he hisses. "Me?! What did I do?" I exclaim. He frowns:"You keep ignoring me.". My heart keeps doing some flips right now. If there is one thing I hate the most in this whole wide world, it'll be confrontation. The grip of his hand around my arm is quite strong. There is no way I could run away even I wanted to. But there still is this sadness and bitterness in me. The thought of how he has treated me... How he's been toying with me...
It all gives me this spark of anger visit in my eyes, so I glare at him:"Well, you got my attention now. Not that you'd need it anyway.". There is hint of confusion on Snape's eyes as I said that:"What are you talking about?". "Ask from your... Gothic lady friend, whatever." my voice goes small towards the end. It seems to piss him off more:"You are not making any sense.". Before he can say anything else, I yank my arm out of his reach while giving the death glare. Then, Mad-eye Moody walks in:"There you are!". Both of us turn to look at the D.A.D.A. teacher and the Potions Master takes a step back away from me. Moody is looking right at me, his artificial eye zooming in and out. It creeps me out. "(Y/L), you got your wand fixed, right?" he suddenly ask.
Little bit confused by the sudden question:"Yes? Dumbledore fixed it. Wh..-", "I need someone to come demonstrate the second years how to duel. Come with me." he orders. Frowning by the sudden task:"Me?". "Yes. You. The students are waiting." he rushed. It was no secret my wand got broken during the holidays, but the reason how it got broken is still a secret. Told a lame excuse how my niffler was playing with it and that's how it snapped in half. "I'll do it." Snape bluntly answer before I could say anything. Somehow him stepping in pushes my buttons even more:"What? No, I'll do it!". He glares down on me while keeping his head high. This man... He's pissing me off! "Got no time for your little raffle, come along you two!" Moody then storms off. Both of my eyebrows lift out of surprise:"Wait..- What?!". He wants us to duel against each other?! Snape says nothing and walks right past me, following the D.A.D.A. teacher. Watching him go gives me this déja vu of the night of the Yule Ball. My gaze hardens. Fine. Bring it on then.