Year 6
“Marlene,” Mary whispers harshly, causing the other girl to jolt up suddenly with a sharp inhale, the side of her face wrinkled from where it had spent the last half an hour pressed against her textbook page.
“What?” She questions, looking around frantically and pulling the hair from her mouth, “What’s going on?”
Mary laughs at the complete confusion clouding Marlene’s brain as she tries to pull herself together after the unexpected nap in the library. It’s quiet, the two of them secluded at their table in the corner, two bookshelves blocking them from view. Mary had been happy to let her sleep and was frankly grateful that she was catching up on some well-needed rest, but dinner was going to be over soon.
“We need to go before we miss food,”
“Oh shit,” Marlene jumps up, attempting to sort her stuff but just jumbles it up more, sending a tower of books cascading to the floor. “Sorry, I promised Dorcas I’d meet her beforehand,”
“We can just leave our stuff here,” Mary suggests as she waves her wand, making the books restack themselves, “It’s not like anyone will be coming over here,”
“See this is why I need you, mare,” Marlene grins, hooking her bag over her shoulder and leading the way to the Great Hall, “You keep me balanced,”
“I don’t think anyone can keep you balanced,” Mary mocks, laughing at the dramatic look Marlene sends her with a disbelieving scoff. They walk quickly to the Great Hall, not saying much, both of them ready for a hot meal after spending all day cramped up in the library.
“Dorcas!” Marlene calls, waving to where she stands leaning against the wall waiting, running over and dragging Mary behind her. She doesn’t mind, she likes Dorcas and thinks she’s good for Marlene and a truly nice person but that doesn’t stop it from feeling a little awkward.
“Sorry I’m late, I fell asleep in the library,” Marlene explains sheepishly, kissing Dorcas on the cheek. Dorcas laughs, reaching up to tuck Marlene’s hair behind her ear, looking at her in a way that makes Mary feel like she’s intruding on a private moment.
“That doesn’t surprise me, you’ve been working yourself too hard lately,” Marlene groans, leaning forward to rest her head on Dorcas’ shoulder.
“You, Mary and Lily all sound the same recently, I’m fine, it’s fine,” Mary tries not to feel jealous, but it’s almost impossible. Seeing how openly in love her best friend is, how unashamed and unafraid she is to be herself, to tell anyone and everyone how much she loves this girl, well it makes her feel awful. Jealous and guilty for feeling that way when she is happy for them, and it’s not like she wants them to change, she just wishes she had the confidence to confess.
“Yeah, well we all care about you, so it makes sense,” Dorcas twirls a strand of Marlene’s hair in between her fingers, ducking her head to check she’s okay. Mary, unclear on what to do after being dragged over here looks between the couple and the doors, worrying her bottom lip as she debates what to do.
“What’s got you so nervous?” Mary jumps as someone whispers in her ear, turning quickly and nearly smacking Lily as she panics. “Sorry, did I make you jump?”
“Don’t mock me,” Mary deadpans while Lily laughs in her face, “You probably would’ve screamed if I did that to you,”
“Maybe, but it’s still funny,” Mary tries to keep her expression flat, but it’s impossible to when she’s looking at Lily, who smiles at her, her gaze locked on Mary like she’s the only person Lily’s ever seen.
“Missed you today,” Mary confesses quietly, worried that if she says it too loud Lily will be able to see right through her.
“Honestly, I spent most of the day thinking about how much better it would’ve been if you were there,” Lily responds, and Mary thinks she can feel her heart breaking slightly. She never knows if she’s reading into things too much or if Lily might really like her back. Sometimes she says things that seem too intense to be explained by friendship, but it’s not like Mary can just come out and ask her.
“Next time you can just stay with us,” Mary mumbles, nudging Lily’s shoulder, “Forget about the younger years,”
“I wish I could, but I can’t let them down,” Lily laughs, linking their arms, and dragging Mary into the hall. They sit in their usual seats, throwing lazy waves at the boys who might not even have noticed them with how dramatically they appear to be bickering over some pointless thing. Peter looks close to screaming bloody murder and throwing things at his friends, and Remus’ expression is so completely fed up that they don’t try to interact.
“I need to sleep,” Lily drops her head onto the table, pushing away her plate. “Honestly Mare, you might have to start knocking me out next year or I’ll never rest,”
“We’ll be fine,” Mary drawls, starting to dish up food for the both of them as Lily laments the sleep she’s going to miss over the next year and a half.
“As long as I’ve got you, I think I can survive anything,” Lily lifts her head, blinking harshly as if she had forgotten how bright it was, completely oblivious to the way she’s made Mary’s heart skip a beat once more. Mary opens her mouth to respond, pushing the plate towards Lily as a distraction. Lily accepts it, slightly shocked, and mumbles her thanks.
Mary’s attempt to finally say what she wants to say is interrupted by a rather furious Sirius, who throws himself into the bench next to Lily, grumbling under his breath about betrayal.
“Lily, back me up on this,” Sirius starts, glaring at James as he drops into the seat opposite. James ignores him, rolling his eyes and mouthing a sorry to Mary as Sirius mutters an insult Mary doesn’t quite hear but Lily clearly does as she gasps loudly.
“What?” Mary asks, leaning forward on the table, trying to focus on their argument to distract from the sinking feeling in her chest.
“Lily, you agree with me, right?”
“Well, I need you to explain before I decide,”
“Explain!? There aren’t the words to explain this tragedy, this heartbreak, this betrayal,” Sirius shouts, whipping his arms around dramatically and causing half of the hall to send slightly judgemental looks his way. Peter and Remus roll their eyes, continuing with their conversation as James shakes his head exasperatedly.
“I didn’t betray you!”
“I don’t want to hear anything from you,” Mary bites back a laugh at Sirius’ dramatics, sure that this is all a show and Sirius will be over it within an hour. Sirius turns back to Lily, grabbing both of her hands with his, and maintaining eye contact.
“I really need your support at this trying time,” Sirius can barely keep the laughter from his expression as he puts off explaining the situation for dramatic effect.
“Sirius, please, it’s not that big of a deal,”
“I thought I told you to shut up, brotherfucker,” Both girls can’t stop the startled laughter that bursts out of them at Sirius’ words, the two of them completely ignoring the betrayed looks Sirius sends their way. “C’mon, not you guys too,”
“You’re joking right,” Lily gasps out, laughing as she watches him pout. When Sirius’ expression doesn’t change she presses her fingers to her mouth, her lips pressed together as she tries to stop laughing in his face.
“Sirius, when did you find out about this?” Mary questions, smirking as she watches him grumble
“Like two hours ago,” Sirius crosses his arms as he mumbles, avoiding eye contact as he comes to the slow realisation that he appears to be the only person shocked by this information.
“I thought you already knew,” James stresses, running a hand through his already messy hair, seemingly multiple parts worried and annoyed.
“If I knew, you’d have been dead a long time ago Potter,”
“Everyone knew, Sirius, it’s hardly been a secret,” Mary adds, quirking an eyebrow as she contemplates just how oblivious this boy is.
“Everyone knew!? And no one told me?”
“How didn’t you know,” Lily asks, nudging his shoulder, “James literally sang to him in the hall at dinner while you cheered him on like 6 months ago,”
Lily goes back to her plate for food as Sirius splutters and malfunctions at the realisation that he already approved of this relationship in front of the whole school and he never even knew it was happening.
“I thought that was a joke,” Sirius whines, burying his head in his hands, “I thought they were friends and he was messing around because Reggie hated the attention,”
“Sirius they’re probably the least subtle couple around, you can literally feel the way they look at each other across the hall,” Mary deadpans, offering half of her bread roll to James, who takes it gratefully as the two of them listen to Sirius’ dramatics. Lily has completely given up on the conversation, propping up some flashcards as she eats her dinner.
“It doesn't even matter if it was obvious, that’s my baby brother, he can’t date him,”
“Well, they’ve been dating for fucking forever so you need to deal with it,”
“Reggie is just a child, a very small innocent child, and that,” He points a finger at James angrily, “is nearly a grown man, he needs to keep his noncey hands away from my baby brother,”
“Didn’t you say Regulus stabbed you once,” Mary asks, recalling a conversation they had had where Sirius told her all about an incident when they were 6 and 7 that ended with Regulus stabbing his older brother in a bought of accidental magic.
“Innocent baby,” Sirius protests, waving a hand in her face to get her to stop talking.
“Whatever,” Mary rolls her eyes, fed up with the dramatics, and knowing that another fight will be coming when Regulus finds out about all of this, “They didn’t exactly keep it hidden from you,”
“Well, it’s not like they were obvious either, you and Lily manage to make it pretty clear, so could they,” Mary stiffens dramatically, so harshly that James instinctively reaches out as if she’s fainted.
“What?” She doesn’t mean for her voice to come out so shaky, but her whole body is screaming at her to leave, to run away before this situation can get any worse.
“Uhm,” Sirius draws out the sound as he looks between her and James, forgetting about the situation from seconds before in a desperate plea for guidance.
“What do you mean?” Mary tries to level her voice but clearly it doesn’t work, or her face gives her away because Sirius still stumbles over his words and looks at her like a child who just got caught with something it’s not supposed to have.
“Well I thought you and Lily were dating,” Mary hears the moment Lily registers their conversation, coughing on her drink as she turns to the trio with a panicked look, “But these reactions tell me that I might be mistaken here too,”
“I’m not dating Lily,” She tries to keep the disappointment out of her voice and avoids looking at Lily in case her expression gives her away. James shuffles closer, pressing their legs together in a silent show of support.
“Why, what, sorry I’m confused,” Lily starts, picking at the skin around her hands, a nervous habit she can’t shake.
Mary hopes that the others can’t hear the racing of her heart as it beats in a way that makes it feel too large for her chest. She can’t exactly blame Lily, it’s not her fault that she doesn’t feel the same way Mary does, and it’s not like she’s doing anything to hurt Mary, she isn’t even aware of the way she feels.
“Why would you think that we’re dating?”
“Well, you guys have always been closer than anyone else, and you look like you’re in love most of the time. Sometimes you look like an old married couple, I just thought, well, it doesn’t matter, I was wrong,”
“Yes, you were,” Mary snaps, so nervous that she can’t stop herself lashing out. Sirius' face falls slightly, clearly worried, and slightly hurt and Mary can’t even stop herself from seeming like a judgemental bitch. “Maybe you should think for once before you make yet another mistake,”
“Mare,” James starts softly, reaching out to rest a hand on her shoulder but Mary pushes it away before he can touch her, she feels like screaming, it’s almost as if she exists outside of her body, watching helplessly as she messes everything up, unable to stop it.
“No, I just,” Mary pushes herself up from the bench, her hands resting on the table as she breathes out heavily, “I’m sorry, I overreacted, I just- I need some space,”
It takes everything in her not to sprint out of the hall, run away to a far corner of the castle and hide for the foreseeable future. She knows she overreacted and made a complete fool of herself, knows she has upset both Lily and Sirius and worried James. She ignores Marlene calling after her from where she is sitting with Dorcas at the Slytherin table, pushing through the doors with a panicked gasp for air.
She hates this feeling, when the panic takes over and it makes it impossible for her to think straight, her mind blurred by one goal to get through this moment without making even more of a scene, to get far away from this place before she faints. The panic is, as always, accompanied by the quickening of breath and racing heart that makes her feel like she is on the verge of dying, the buzzing feeling of numbing skin and the overwhelming urge to cry.
The halls of Hogwarts seem to close in around her as she races back to her room, the portraits seem too close, too observant, too judgemental. It’s like she can’t even breathe until she bursts through the door of her dorm room, collapsing onto her bed. Everything seems too overwhelming, she can’t stop hyperventilating until she frees herself from the uniform, changing into something less suffocating and hiding under the weight of her blanket.
She stays there, blankly staring at a space on the floor, ashamed and exhausted from yet another panic attack, wanting nothing more than to sleep for the next 12 hours but knowing that rest will elude her grasp for most of the night. She barely moves, not knowing what to do or how to do it and sort of frozen in this state until Lily finally makes her way into the room.
There still isn’t much for Mary to do, as Lily doesn’t even call over a greeting as she moves over to her bed, messing around with her bag and sorting out her books. Mary calls her name several times without response, just an annoyed exhale and a slight pause in what she’s doing. She picks up her clothes, hesitating as she knows she will have to walk directly past Mary to get to the bathroom, meaning it will be incredibly difficult to ignore her.
“Lils?”
Lily clutches her shirt tightly, her knuckles white with how hard she’s holding onto it. Her mouth opens and closes a few times as she tries to compose herself, her chest heaving while she adjusts her grip on the shirt over and over in an attempt to ground herself.
“Lily, I’m sor-”
“Would it really be that awful to date me?” Lily blurts out, life draining out of her. She drops onto the edge of her bed, her head downturned, and her hair covers her face from Mary’s view. Mary doesn’t need to see her to know that her eyes are red and watery, her expression crushed. Mary hates that she’s the reason for this, and regrets it more than anything else, she wouldn’t blame Lily if she never forgave her.
“No,” Mary shakes her head furiously, not even hesitating to answer as she jumps up from her seat and moves towards Lily. All she wants to do is grab her hands, kneel before her and apologise until her voice is hoarse, she never wanted this to happen. “No, that’s not, that’s not it Lils,”
“I just- I don’t get it, I truly don’t,”
“Lils please, just look at me, please look at me, I’m so sorry- I didn’t, I wasn’t thinking,”
“That's part of the problem, you were just- I can’t even explain how you made me feel,” Lily sniffles, shaking her head as her voice cracks while she speaks and Mary can feel her heart physically aching in her chest, breaking in two as she watches the damage she’s caused.
“You don’t have to want to date me, but the fact that you were so disgusted by the idea, found it so repulsive that you literally ran from the room. How am I supposed to take that, you didn’t even stop to think about how your reaction would come across, you didn’t spare a single thought for my feelings,”
“Lils, please, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, that’s not- I didn’t mean it like that at all, I don’t want you to feel like this-”
“You’re not even sorry you did it, you’re just sorry I took it in a negative way,” Lily laughs dejectedly, wiping at her face harshly, turning away from Mary even more, ignoring the desperate way Mary tries to get her to even spare a glance in her direction. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
She waves her hand, and the deep red curtain around her bed swishes harshly, whipping at Mary’s outstretched arm to keep her out. The last thing Mary sees before the curtain fully closes is Lily’s whole body shaking as she’s overcome with tears.
The curtains are impenetrable, the owner controlling who they allow in their space at any given moment, no sound enters or escapes, leaving Mary helpless to plead into the silence, unable to do anything but pray that Lily can hear her begging to be heard out.
All she wants is a chance to explain, confess and tell Lily exactly why she reacted the way she did. Mary has been enamoured with Lily from the very first moment they met, from that day on the train all she has wanted is to be as close to Lily as she possibly can. Mary’s heart belongs to Lily, she just needs a chance to tell her so.
☆☆☆☆
Mary awakes to someone kicking her leg repeatedly, her body slumped awkwardly against the side of Lily’s bed. She must have been so exhausted that she fell asleep while she was still attempting to get through to Lily the night before. She peers up, blinking slowly as she yawns herself awake.
“You’ve been there all night?” Lily questions but she clearly already knows the answer. Mary looks up at her, seeing her fully dressed and clearly ready for the day, having decided to just leave Mary on the floor while she went through her morning routine. She doesn’t complain, knowing that she’ll spend every night until the end of their school career on the floor if that’s what it takes for Lily to forgive her.
“Lily,” Mary stands, trying not to feel hurt at the step back that Lily takes, “Can we please talk,”
Lily nods slowly, her arms crossed in front of her as she refuses to look at Mary’s face, her entire body on the defensive. “Yeah, that’s probably for the best,”
The two of them settle down in the large window seat of their dorm room. Mary isn’t sure where Marlene is but the dorm is empty and her main priority is fixing this and finally telling Lily how she feels. There’s a tense moment of silence, neither party knowing what to say.
“I’ll start, shall I?” Lily huffs, adjusting the way she is sat so she doesn’t have to look at Mary at all, her gaze firmly fixed on something far across the grounds. Mary can see the expression on her face in the reflection, soft and open and so devastatingly confused that Mary is hit with yet another wave of guilt. “Sometimes I think I don’t really know you at all,”
It hits Mary then that all of her attempts to keep herself safe, to protect her heart and not ruin her friendship with Lily has had the opposite effect. Her decision to try and hide any inclination that she loves Lily has led to her pushing away and hurting the person who means the most to her.
Mary has spent so long trying to keep this secret, to keep this part of her hidden as if it was something to be ashamed of, some destructive sin that must be kept out of the light. She hates the fact that it has taken her this long to realise the damage of what she was doing, to realise that in an attempt to punish herself, she has been punishing those around her.
If she comes clean now, confesses and pleads that her honesty is enough, if she is allowed to bathe in the purity of forgiveness and come out the other side a better person she can fix this. She can be someone worthy of the love of Lily Evans.
“I can explain everything, I know- I know it doesn’t make any of this okay, but I can explain,”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Mary clears her throat, terrified out of her mind but holding out hope. Realistically, she knows that even if Lily rejects her, she would never be cruel, but that doesn’t stop her entire body from telling her to run as far away as possible.
“I just-” She shuffles awkwardly in place, rubbing her palms against her trousers to wipe off the sweat that comes with clammy hands, clearing her throat once more and licking her lips nervously. “Can you look at me whilst I tell you?”
Mary hates how small her voice sounds, and the long break Lily pauses for with her eyes closed as she levels her breathing before she finally tilts her head to meet Mary’s gaze. It takes the air out of her lungs in a completely different way.
“Are you going too then?” Mary snaps out of her daze, clearly she had been staring too long, and from the look on Lily’s face, paired with the rest of this situation it has not gone across well.
“Mhm, yeah sorry, this is, it’s hard for me,” Lily scoffs, breaking eye contact as she rolls her eyes.
“Mary, I don’t want you to come up with some random reasoning just because you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. I don’t understand why you reacted that way but it won’t hurt me any less if you make something up.”
“No, no, no I’m not making it up, I just, I’ve felt this way for a really long time and I’ve never told you because it’s- I don’t want to ruin things,”
“Mary, it’s fine, I don’t- I’ll get over it, it hurts but it’s not like you’ve completely ruined things, I just need some time,” Lily shakes her head, looking away from Mary once more and Mary can’t stop the pitiful sound that escapes her mouth as tears fall down her cheeks, “I don’t want you to make exc-”
“I love you,” Mary spits the words out, interrupting Lily’s speech before she loses her nerve and ruins the one thing that she wouldn’t be able to recover from losing.
“No,” Lily stands, hands lifted up to cover her face, turning her back to Mary completely. Her shoulders rise and fall as she quietly sobs into her hands. “No, you’re being mean,”
“Lily, please,” Mary reaches for her, but Lily pulls away harshly before she can even fully rest her hand on her shoulder, “I should’ve told you sooner, but I do, I love you, I have loved you for so long,”
“You don’t get to do this to me,” Lily whines, folding into herself even more, seeming smaller than she has ever been. “You don’t- Mary, why are you doing this?”
“Lily,”
“No, I can’t- you don’t, you don’t mean that, you’re being cruel,”
“I’ve wanted to tell you for so long,” Mary pleads, needing Lily to understand but feeling her slip through her fingers while she can do nothing but watch. “I just didn’t know how,”
“Is this some kind of sick joke? Please, stop.”
“Why won’t you believe me?” Her voice comes out petulant and quiet, like a confused child coming to the realisation that sometimes it doesn’t matter what the truth is, there isn’t always a way to make someone believe you. Lily walks to the door, resting one hand against the handle, the other wiping away tears that are instantly replaced.
“I have spent the last four years trying to get you to see me the way I see you, as someone you could spend the rest of your life with, and you have done nothing but deflect every attempt and that is fine, you are not required to return my feelings but I have made it clear, and you have distanced yourself.”
“I never- I didn’t realise-”
“And I love you, but I will never be able to forgive you for this. What was it? You thought you could use my feelings to manipulate forgiveness. There are not many people I would expect that from, and you, Mary, were the last person I thought could do something like this for me.”
Lily’s gone from the room before Mary can even attempt to respond, the door slam echoing in the empty room. Mary stands there, lost in thought for far too long before she can even think. She starts chasing after her, not caring if she makes a fool of herself in front of the entire common room for so long as Lily believes her.
Mary thunders down the stairs, pushing past some loitering 4th years who mumble about the two girls, rushing into the main area of the common room with a heaving chest and a desperate demeanour. Her eyes dart across the room, scanning for the mass of red hair she is so used to seeing.
“She’s over there,” A voice sounds beside her, and her head snaps down, meeting James’ eye. He gives her a knowing grin, pointing to a corner of the room where Lily hides with her hair covering her face. “Pandora told me to tell you that everything’s going to work out in the end,”
Mary nods, deciding to trust in the reassurance, knowing that Pandora has never led anyone astray before, and has always seemed to know more than everyone else. She mumbles thanks, not taking her eyes off of the girl she loves.
“Lils,” Mary breathes out, grabbing the attention of the other girl, who looks up at her sheepish and apologetic.
“I spoke to James,” Lily admits, and suddenly Mary is overwhelmingly grateful for that night last year when she confided in him, “And I thought about it a bit more, now that I’m more levelheaded, and Sirius had commented on the way we look at each other, not just how I look at you,”
“Do you believe me now?” Mary doesn’t even have it in her to be upset that Lily didn’t believe her before, it was mostly her fault anyway, and all she wants is too sort this out.
“Yeah,” Lily admits quietly, “I’m sorry for overreacting,”
“I am in love with you Lily Evans, and I’m no longer afraid to let everyone know it,” Mary grabs both of Lily’s hands, trying not to shake too much as her proclamation draws the attention of those around them. She tilts her head forward, lowering her voice to keep part of this declaration private, “I’ll tell you every day for as long as it takes for you to believe me, then I’ll remind you over and over until you’re sick of hearing it,”
“Can I kiss you?” Lily asks, catching Mary off guard entirely, she nods, her mind malfunctioning when faced with all she has wanted for so long, leaving her unable to form the words.
Mary leans forward, meeting Lily halfway, and for the first time, she thinks she truly, wholly understands magic.
“Mary Macdonald, will you forgive me for lashing out, and allow me the great honour of being your girlfriend?” Lily whispers with a wide smile on her face, but Mary can feel the shake of her hands, and see the pure panic in her eyes.
“I would like nothing more,” Mary leans in once more, relishing in the fact she is now kissing the person she has pined over for years, and they are her girlfriend. Both girls smile into the kiss, laughing lightly as their friends whoop and cheer for them, James yelling out ‘finally’ in exasperation.