Lost years
I grew up thinking i was "so mature for my age".
And for a while it made me happy, it made me feeling worth something. Like my early maturity made me special, like it was something i was born to keep and cultivate for the sake of being worthy of existing. But at one point i started to live for myself, or at least to live way less for others because of the unsufferability of living for other's purposes. And i realised how fucked up my "maturity" was.
I took time to open my eyes, and soon my life felt like a book that i read in the wrong direction. My childhood was now a step i didn't pass, my teenage years were mostly gone and no more irrecoverable, and i was here. A child that never existed, mourning ghost years that i couldn't have spend properly and accordingly to my age.
I want to taste freedom and be independant because it's time for it, but i also just want to be able to depend on others and have no care or fear. I want the world to be small and simple again. Instead i am here battling between a child and an adult trying to listen and act for both and that's honestly hellish sometimes.
The most upsetting things, i think, is when you understand what it truly meant to be a "mature child". To be a very young mature girl. That means you're alone. That means you figured and will figure everything on your own, because you're so mature you don't need help instead you will be the one giving it.
And you will never get those years back.
You can re-establish a balance in your life, you can heal, you can rot away, but you will never get those years back. You have to take time to find peace again and do what's best for for you (if you know what is) but you will do it mostly by yourself and for yourself.
That's what is upsetting in this story.
Time has passed.
The moments you should have been a child are out the window, and now adulthood is at your door, waiting for you like it's the first Time you meet each other even tho it's not, not really. You have to put your jacket on (even if you're drowning in it, like a child in adult clothes) you will try your best to travel life and carve your jacket to fit you when you can.
I'm sorry for the child i couldn't be and i am taking the hand of the adult i will become, praying i won't fall too much.
E.L.