Love
I'm afraid of being in love.
I never thought i would, but here i am.
I don't want of a relationship with no meaning, just for sex or just to say that i am in a relationship. So i stay by myself until i find my person (wich is fantastic). But. But i am afraid of finding my person because i'm not sure i am loveable as much as i would love, i am not sure my person exist. And if my person exist, i am afraid of all the love and dedication i would feel and give.
I am afraid there will never be enough love for me, i'm afraid i will crave too much, and i'm afraid i will worship too much.
I'm afraid of giving myself entirely and that there will be nothing left for me. I also fear i'm not easy to love, not easy to understand, not easy to live with. I'm afraid it will not work.
That's not a secret i'm afraid of pain, always has been. I've known a lot of different pain really early and young, i felt the pain of losing a parent that's still alive, i've felt the pain the pain of grieving and still feel it. I've felt the pain of depression, anger, sadness, desperation, and fear. I've felt the pain of anxiety and death. I've felt the pain of hopelessness and feeling like i'm just not fitting with the world.
I've felt so much, so young, while already being somebody very sensitive, and you know what ? I'm fucking afraid of love. And most of all afraid of losing it.
I'm scared of feeling my heart break again and i fear that it could be because of love. I don't know what's it like, but i know it will be terrible and i don't want to add to my experience of pain. I know i will have to experience it, but oh gods i fear it. So much.
So i think i will wait for me to have no choice, to be head over wheels in love, and let me be held by those waiting arms. I will keep my standards, never settle for somebody who isn't worth it. Because if i have to live a heartbreak at least let it be the most dramatic pain of my life, provoked by the most divine person. Let it be gut-wrenching but let it be beautiful. The day i'm in love, prepare this planet because every living thing will know it.
L.E.