She was tired of everything. She was tired of being broken. She was tired of being alone. She was tired of going on pointless first dates.
She had finally recovered from some of the worst years of her life. Being on the wrong side of the war followed by some extreme mental health issues made for years of struggling. She finally emerged from that fog to find everyone in a long-term relationship or married. Harry with Theo. Blaise with Ron. Draco with Hermione. The list goes on. She brushed off the idea of a long-term relationship.
5 hookups later and countless nights spent crying, she finally admitted to herself that she needed someone constant. She needs someone that she can love and loves her. She needed to explore to find someone.
She is disappointed with what she finds. She finds that she is sexy enough to have a hookup with but not enough to date; that she is a great friend but not enough to love in a romantic sense.
She goes on date after date. She thinks most of the dates go well. Almost every first date ends with an owl coming to her flat. The letters usually read;
Dear Pansy,
I really enjoyed our date today but I don’t think I see this going anywhere. I don’t feel a romantic connection between us.
Sincerely,
The person she hoped would be her forever
Sometimes the letters came with the offer to just be friends or to hook up but she didn’t want either of those things. She wanted someone to call her own. Someone to care for. Someone to take care of her. Someone she can talk to for hours. Someone who she can spend quiet nights cuddling with.
She was sick of being enough to be a hookup or a friend but not someone’s partner.
Her thoughts are becoming stormy and the horrid thoughts from before are coming back. She can’t handle another mental health crisis but the thoughts don’t care about that.
It’s been around 20 first dates before the first thought passes through her mind while she is lying alone in bed. ‘I want to die’ she thinks. The bed feels empty and cold. Today was filled with another rejection which left her self-esteem crumbling. ‘I want to die; I am so lonely’ she thinks again. She rubs her eyes, careful of her sharp nails.
The tears streaming down her face are a regular occurrence now.
She attends group events with the couples. She thinks they invite her out of pity.
It is at one of these events that the thoughts get louder. She is watching Hermione stare at Draco in adoration and hearing Blaise talk to Theo about his and Harry’s possible pet. All she wants to do is tear her hair out and scream. She is so happy for her friends. She really is. She loves that they found someone to love but it hurts so bad knowing she doesn’t have what they have. They sit together at dinner and she sits alone. She tries not to claw the veins in her wrists out when she sees Draco and Hermione kiss. She wishes she wasn’t jealous but she can’t help it. She is just so lonely.
She stops coming to group friend nights. It hurts too much.
She still goes to nights with the guys. It was a tradition back at Hogwarts to hang out at least one Saturday night a month and they have kept it up.
She heads to Blaise’s flat right after another failed first date. He had told her that she was “so hot” but he wasn’t ready for a long-term commitment. She had walked out with tears in her eyes.
Of course, she knows the boys are gonna mention their lovers, it’s unavoidable when a person becomes that involved in your life. What she doesn’t expect is the circling thoughts in her head when they tell their stories with a smile. ‘You should kill yourself, no one loves you. You should scratch your arms until you reach the veins. You should smash that glass on your head. You should bang your head on the wall until you stop thinking…’ The thoughts scroll through her head as they recount happy moments. She is so lost in her head that she almost misses Theo asking, “Oi Pansy how’s the dating going?” She freezes before quickly recovering. “It’s fine” She grits out, offering a small smile to make it convincing. The guys continue their conversation and she is lost to her head again. She only resurfaces when she hears her name mentioned. “Isn’t it crazy that Pansy is the only one not married or engaged?” Blaise says laughing, obviously making a joke. It wasn’t funny. She is silent and tears start to brim in her eyes. The guys are laughing among themselves and focused on their conversation. She stands up silently, tears running down her face and slowly makes her way to the floo. She can’t be here anymore. She can’t hear about their quiet moments of domesticity or happy little moments with their partners. It just reminds her about how much she wants that and how she doesn’t have it. The boys only notice she is about to leave when she calls out her flat and disappears.
She collapses onto the floor as soon as she falls through the floo into her flat. She closes the floo as soon as she is through it. She doesn’t want to hear their pity or anything else they have to say. They don’t understand the pain she is feeling. They don’t know the thoughts that live in her brain. They don’t understand how the loneliness is killing her. They don’t know how the jealousy burns through her veins and how badly she wants to claw it out.
She sobs on the floor of her flat until she runs out of tears and stares emptily into space. The loneliness is killing her. This loneliness will kill her.
She crawls into bed; her body exhausted and cold. She falls asleep with her arms curled around her; broken and alone.