Told you I was magic
The question was, how I could keep sane
Trying to find a way out?
Things were never easy for me
Peace of mind was hard to find
And I needed a place where I could hide
August 31st, 1991
"We need to kill him Cissa." Lucius whispered louder than he intended to.
Narcissa jerked her head in his direction, her chin high and her lips quivering. "I will not allow it Lucius."
"We can't let him live," Lucius spoke, using a carefully controlled tone.
"We both know what we did to the boy. Think of our family Cissa. " He continued with a deepened tone, walking closer to Narcissa who was sitting on a phthalo green armchair in their dimly lit chamber.
"Think of Draco. His future, our future, the future of this house. We can't risk it. The boy is eleven now, we thought he was a squib but—" He paused to whisper in an urgent and slightly frustrated tone. "Just today we got his Hogwarts letter and you know what that means!"
"He is just a boy." Narcissa could be heard whispering in her most gentle tone, holding a piercing gaze with Lucius. "Lucius, it has only been a day, we can't just jump to conclusions, we could be mistaken."
Lucius tutted and cocked his head. He spoke in a carefully controlled tone. "No, no Cissa. My dear, the sooner we do this the easier it is. We don't know what he might turn into, we can't risk it. Not in dark lord's absence. We must—" They both were interrupted when a sudden noise came from somewhere up the stairs. Lucius motioned Narcissa to stay quiet.
"Draco?" Lucius called out loudly to check if it was his son causing the noise.
"Sorry Father, I dropped my glass." Draco yelled out from upstairs.
Arcturus tutted. "I'll get you another one." He got off Draco's bed and walked out of his room after tossing the copy of Spellbound magazine back on the bed.
A few moments later when the two were sure they weren't being overheard Lucius continued speaking. A dreadful sense of urgency and sternness carried his whisper to her ears. "Cissa, darling you must listen to me, that boy needs to die in order for us to live. Tomorrow, when Draco is gone to Hogwarts, we will toss him down in the cellar and just like that…"
Arcturus walked cautiously towards the chamber, standing just close enough to hear what his next punishment was, not sure what he had done wrong this time to earn another punishment in the cold, dark and damp cellars. He couldn't take yet another day in the cellars or in a portrait with a silencing charm on him.
"We will be rid of him once and for all. By the time he is dead nobody will even know he ever existed." Lucius whispered, desperation edging his voice. “Come now my dear, don’t look at me in such a way. You’ll have time to grieve the boy but we must act fast.”
Arcturus stopped in his tracks, eyes wide and chills set in like a bucket of ice-cold water being poured over his head, he felt both frozen and burnt in an instant, his stomach rolled and all the colour was drained from his face. Lucius was going to kill him? But why? What has he done to deserve to die? Because he was not magic like them? His mind raced faster than he could even process all his dreadful thoughts as he was desperately trying to seek an answer, a reason why he must die, there were none yet so many at the same time.
His limbs began shaking violently and before he knew he was retreating upstairs, hyperventilating and going backwards as far as he could without making too much noise when his heel ever so slightly came in contact with a very ancient-looking vase. A moment later the sound of the forest green coloured ceramic vase breaking filled the whole manor and replaced the previous eerie silence along with the hushed whispers.
Arcturus froze in his spot, his eyes darting between the shattered pieces of ceramics on the marble floor and back at the tall figure of Lucius Malfoy who was now staring at him a few paces away by the door frame of their chamber. One pale with dread and the latter resembling a similar look minus the fear that was haunting the trembling figure of the young Arcturus.
The cold greeting of death that had no time to give into the beseeching of a dying lamb.
********
September 1st, 1991
"Draco."
The sound of Arcturus' stentorian voice as he ran through the garden of the Malfoy Manor, running away like a golden snitch from a seeker echoed through the whole garden. He jumped over a poor peacock that almost got kicked in the head, made Draco flinch in his place, at this point it had happened so frequently that it had to be intentional.
Once again Arcturus was laughing and hopping carelessly over the newly planted Aconites in the garden which made Draco shudder at the thought of him falling right on the poisonous wolfsbane, even though it would make an amusing sight.
Arcturus looked ineffably happy. Happier than he was yesterday at least. Yesterday he was a mess. Draco had stayed up all night partly because of his excitement about going to Hogwarts today, and partly because Arcturus had gone berserk after a punishment which Draco had no idea about.
Arcturus was not himself last night. Shouting, kicking, breaking everything in his way as he was being dragged away and calling Lucius Malfoy names he never thought Arcturus would ever have the audacity to utter.
All Draco knew was that his parents were discussing family matters and Arcturus had overheard them when the two boys were getting ready for bed. Draco had come out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth and the whole manor was filled with Arcturus' screams and sobs.
And of course, Lucius Malfoy locked him up in the cellar after that, but the silencing charms on Arcturus were not working, because if he couldn't yell he would still break things, throw things and throughout the whole night the sound of gold goblets hitting each other was coming from the cellar. Draco could just imagine Arcturus filled with pain and exhaustion yet still standing near the bars and banging goblets against each other, taking his revenge by taking away everybody’s peaceful slumber. He had to give it him, it was a genius idea if only it didn’t anger Lucius Malfoy so much.
But here he was today, somehow escaped from the cellar. With his wild hair, a bright smile and his puffy eyes which were evidence of his nightly cries. It made Draco wish he had gone to the cellar last night to check up on him after that huge commotion.
Draco however didn't even get the chance to process the usual chaotic behavior of Arcturus when he shouted once again with urgency and childish joy in his tone running until he passed Draco like a bludger. "I got my letter from Hogwarts." He was waving his envelope in his hand like it was a golden ticket.
There it was, the most shocking six words coming from Arcturus' mouth. Draco had gotten his letter a while ago, but to hear his cousin receiving the same letter would be a ridiculous occurrence. No, there was no way he was a wizard. This must've been a mistake. Yes, this has got to be a mistake.
"What?! You are not a squib?" Draco's eyes widened and he ran after Arcturus in the garden full of trees which both boys were joyously running through. Draco couldn't hide his excitement when it presented itself as a soft grin and sparkles in his eyes. But at the same time, this news was as shocking as saying something blasphemous like; Merlin was a Gryffindor.
"Told you I was magic. Your dad can't Adam and Eve it.” He said playfully, “He's been chasing me since I—"
Draco grabbed his arm and pulled him back. He was tired of running now and they were far enough from the manor for it to be safe to stop and catch a breath. Both young boys were breathless at this point. Arcturus had his palms on his bent knees, breathing heavily. Draco frowned, cautiously watching in between the trees behind them for his father's possible sudden appearance.
"Since I pissed in the vase upstairs. Just a little goodbye gift." His chuckle through his heavy breathing made him cough as though he was choked for a moment.
Draco inhaled sharply at the disturbing thought of yet another punishment which Arcturus' mischief would earn the lad soon enough and it won't be a good one, especially not after what happened last night. It was never fun when Draco would have played alone and could just show Arcturus his new toys while Arcturus was crying or sulking inside a framed portrait on the wall.
"But Artie, Hogwarts, how is that even possible? We thought you were a squ-"
Before Draco could say more Lucius Malfoy's sharp voice was heard with a few flashes of light passing from his wand "I'll catch you, you little filthy squib scum."
Arcturus chortled. They both docked their heads so casually it felt like just another reflex like dodging a returning bludger that's about to hit you in the nose.
Arcturus' wild grin never left his lips. His curly black hair was a beautiful mess on his face from all that running, his grey eyes under the sunlight shimmered like silver pools reflecting the warmth of the sun. His maroon cardigan sweater was falling off his shoulders despite his lazy attempts to pull them back on his shoulders at least on one side. He was once again giddy with a sense of excitement that had stuck to him like baby fat ever since he was six. Ever since he came to live with them in this manor.
He stood straight once more and slapped Draco's arm "Got nothing to pack. I suppose I better run before your father catches me."
He ran again, away from Draco and towards the fences. "I'll see you at Hogwarts." Arcturus shouted, waving his envelope again as his figure disappeared behind the trees.
Draco stood there watching him, he was still shocked at the fact that his second cousin was a wizard. Deep down it made him excited and the thought of them possibly becoming roommates and playing quidditch together at school flashed before his eyes.
"Merlin's beard, this is going to be awesome." A hint of a grin plastered on Draco's face but his father's sharp voice brought him back to reality when he was called to get inside and get ready to go to Diagon Alley. "I'll deal with that bastard later; he'll regret stepping a foot out of this Manor." Lucius Malfoy sneered throughout the way back to the manor. But Draco only had one thought on his mind; Hogwarts was going to be so much more fun with Arcturus.
*********
Knockturn Alley
When Arcturus left the Malfoy manor, finding his way to Diagon Alley turned out to be a bigger challenge than he expected, but his newly found excitement made him too giddy to care about anything else. It was the perfect day to be recognized as a wizard. He thought to himself, with a proud grin.
It was a lovely Sunday morning. Hogsmeade was packed with witches and wizards from everywhere, he even saw a half-giant which was a rare sight to him.
The zephyr made the thinner branches and the leaves of the oak trees dance. He inhaled the smell of the fresh autumn air of September and thought today was going to be the best day of his life. Arcturus passed through the street, feeling as though he just won his one-way golden ticket to a place away from the Malfoys, even though Draco would be there too. Although when Draco got his letter way before he did —back in July— he was happy for him but he was also scared, absolutely terrified. What was he going to do if Draco would no longer be there? It would be much harder to go through punishments without Draco in the manor, and after yesterday Arcturus was sure nothing good would ever happen to him the moment Draco steps out of the Manor.
He read his Hogwarts letter at least ten times and each time seeing his name, Mr. A Black, on the envelope felt like a dream come true. He wondered how his grandmother would react if she was here today, would she finally stop hating him? Would it change anything? He shuddered thinking about her possible reaction. No, he wasn’t going to ruin his day by thinking about her. She never cared anyway, although a small part of him wondered if she would care if he was magic just like the rest of them.
For the first time in his life as he was in Diagon Alley he didn’t feel like an alien. For the first time in his life, he could look at the street packed with witches and wizards and feel like he belonged there as a wizard himself, not as a shadow of Draco or the one who had to always walk behind the Malfoys each time they went to the Diagon Alley, when Narcissa and Lucius were to buy Draco things Arcturus could only look at with boredom and a dose covet in his core.
He clutched his Hogwarts letter, intentionally tapping people gently out of his way with the letter in the hand that was held up for any stranger who looked his way. With a look of: ‘I’m a wizard too suckers.’ However his triumph was soon interrupted when he noticed a blonde boy talking to another boy with dark hair and round glasses inside Madam Malkin’s Robes for All Occasions. The blonde boy had to be Draco, but the other boy he couldn’t recognize, too small and too short to be Crabbe or Goyle.
After a few minutes of watching them, Arcturus realised if Draco was here already it meant his parents were here too and he couldn’t risk being seen by any of them, they would probably apparate him back home immediately and he didn't want to think about what would happen next.
It was bad enough he ran away first thing in the morning and was too excited to even think about stealing a sandwich for breakfast from Dobby, but he was still slightly limping on his right foot after being hexed by Lucius while running away. Nasty mean arsehole.
After getting far away from the shop —which Draco was getting his Hogwarts robes from— Arcturus realised he too, had to check out the list of things he had to buy himself but, he didn’t have any money on him, he still searched his pockets though, just in case, not a single Knut. Just two Mars bars and a piece of his childhood stuffed black dog toy. Even though only one ear of the toy had survived throughout all those years, Arcturus still refused to get rid of it, after all this was the only thing he had from his father.
He pulled out a Mars Bar and left the other in his pocket. He usually had two just in case Draco wanted one, they always shared snacks if not anything else. well, Mars Bars couldn’t buy him a wand or his school textbooks —which he couldn't even look at on the list without feeling dizzy— but having a bite of chocolate would probably stop his stomach from growling as loud as the hooting of the owls from the dark shop right next to him.
As he took a bite of the Mars bar and walked down the street, he caught sight of a man in another alley. A short man with long, straggly matted ginger hair and bandy legs. He had bloodshot, baggy brown eyes.
Arcturus knew this alley was the Knockturn Alley, which Lucius Malfoy usually went to each time the Malfoys would visit Diagon Alley. The young lad squinted his eyes in genuine curiosity when he noticed the man was selling what seemed to be a bunch of old artefacts or trading them with a tall wizard with short ginger hair. After a few moments of observing the scene, an idea flashed through his mind.
The golden necklace with the Malfoy family crest on it which he took with himself from Malfoy manor before leaving could be sold too. He dug his hand into his back pocket and took out the necklace bearing images of several serpentine creatures in colours of black, green and the motto being written in silver. He waited until the red-haired wizard was gone, then shoved his chocolate back into its wrapper and back in his pocket. HE licked the tip of his index finger hurriedly for the remaining bits of Chocolate as he approached the man from behind.
"Excuse me," Arcturus straightened his spine and stared up at the man in shabby clothing.
“What do you want kid?” The man grumbled, looking startled and cautiously guarding his stuff.
Arcturus showed him the golden necklace. “Would you buy this?”
The man seemed to perk up and reached out both hands to grab it but Arcturus pulled his hand back. “Would you?”
The old man cocked his head, his frown pregnant with a dull suspicion. “You stole it, eh? It’s a Malfoy family heirloom, innit? How did you get your hands on it?”
Arcturus seemed to paled a bit, he raised his voice defensively. “No, it's mine. It is my family heirloom. I’m Draco Malfoy” This was a lie as unbelievable and ridiculous as saying The ministry finally invented self-spelling wands. Surely, not even a fool would fall for that if they took one single look at the boy with black hair, gray eyes and slightly tanned skin which resembled no great significance to a Malfoy’s looks.
After a few minutes of bickering with the man who said his name was Mundungus Fletcher, Arcturus sold it to him and earned 18 galleons, which was very disappointing because he thought at least the gold would be worth much more and off he was to Ollivander’s.
He wasn't that excited to get his own wand, in fact, the idea of having a wand just like the grown-ups around him was overwhelming and he wasn't sure how to feel about it. Afterall nothing good ever came out of the end of those tiny sticks when grown-ups used it on him after saying a few funny words with a mean look on their faces just to cause Arcturus pain or to punish him. But he preferred to buy the wand first and be done with it before he had to go and buy his books and other materials on his list.
He once again saw the dark-haired boy with round glasses who was talking to Draco in Madam Malkin’s shop, but this time the boy came out of the Ollivander’s along with a giant man and an owl. They briefly looked at each other, as Arcturus entered the dimly lit wand shop and the other boy exited. Arcturus called out to the old man who was still staring at the back of the boy who had just left, but no response came from the old wand maker.
"Excuse me, Mr. Ollivander. I'm here to buy a wand." Arcturus spoke a bit louder this time and sounded rather impatient. He was hungry and didn't want to waste his time in Ollivander’s shop where the Malfoys could come to at any given time.
Each second he was there he could practically imagine Lucius Malfoy barging into the shop and dragging him out of there, he was getting more anxious with each passing moment.
Ollivander finally, as if abruptly brought out of his thoughts against his will, looked down at the boy with a subtle hint of curiosity and smiled. "Hello son, what is your name?"
"Black. Arcturus Black."
The old wand maker's eyes widened for a brief moment and he gave Arcturus a piercing look. He muttered something inaudible for Arcturus and walked towards the counter. " Ten years. Curious, very curious. They came one after the other. "
Arcturus frowned as he watched the old man walk to the tiny narrowed boxes piled neatly on the shelves and searched through those boxes but had no interest in what the older man was saying.
"Tell me lad, which is your wand arm?"
Arcturus raised his right hand and Ollivander began measuring him with a long tape measure. More inaudible muttering was heard from the old man but Arcturus was too busy looking around the shop and out of the shop's window to care. He could feel his heart beating against his chest, he had to calm his nerves and somehow looking around the shelves in the shop and trying to figure out if there was any way he could escape from the back if needed, was reassuring.
His wandering nervous eyes caught Ollivander coming back from between the shelves with a few boxes now placed on the counter, he picked out the wand and handed Arcturus his first wand.
Arcturus cleared his throat, rolled his shoulders back, straightened his back and tried to gather up the courage to take the wand, it was a ten-inch long hawthorn with unicorn hair core, according to Ollivander. As soon as Arcturus took the wand, it was snatched back by the old man.
Arcturus frowned rather petulantly but then Ollivander handed him another wand; 11 inches long, ebony wood this time with yet again another unicorn hair. It was as if the old wandmaker realised maybe unicorn hair was not fit for him at all, he snatched it back shortly after the wand in Arcturus' hand set fire to the old man's white hair. The young lad sighed, waiting to receive his next wand to try, they had been doing this with eleven wands.
Eleven wands have proved he wasn't fit for them. He was getting quite frustrated and embarrassed. He glanced outside of the shop's window to seek reassurance from the absence of a blonde vicious man trying to come and take him away.
Arcturus was now starting to believe maybe the letter was wrong, maybe he really was a squib. When Ollivander brought out yet another narrow box, Arcturus couldn't handle his nerves any longer 'Better a squib that ran away than a dead boy.’ He muttered and turned around taking a step towards the shop's exit before Ollivander noticed him but the old man's voice stopped him in his tracks. He turned around and saw a black wand with a rather odd shape sitting against the palms of the man like a raven’s feather.
"12 inches, With Dragon heartstring core. Black walnut seeks a master of good instincts and powerful insight. It surely is a very handsome wood, but not the easiest to master. It has one pronounced quirk, which is that it is abnormally attuned to inner conflict, and loses power dramatically if its possessor practices any form of self-deception. If the witch or wizard is unable or unwilling, to be honest with themselves or others, the wand often fails to perform adequately and must be matched with a new owner if it is to regain its former prowess."
Arcturus felt as though his chest had tightened, he swallowed and took a deep breath to calm his nerves which didn't seem to work, if anything it made him more anxious and dizzier. He secretly took offence and felt as though the way the old man spoke his monologue wasn’t just another necessary description of a wand to Arcturus, it made him feel like a fraud for even being in the shop. Now even the wand maker knew he was no wizard. No, what if Ollivander was going to keep him there, the old wand maker's slight cold grin was nerve-wracking as he went on with some more details about the significance of the wand. Was this prolonged speech the old man’s genius trick to keep the young lad there? Could Arcturus even escape if Ollivander decided to keep him there and accuse him of trying to get a magic wand without him being a wizard? What if he kept him there for Aurors to come and take him away? Or worse, for Lucius to come and take him away. He had to make a choice immediately, run and never look back or stay and get caught. He stared at Ollivander's icy cold eyes and the thought of showing the wand maker his Hogwarts letter to prove he was a wizard, now seemed like a good idea, however pathetic it made him look.
But it was that moment when Ollivander smiled and handed him the wand. His smile was still cold but no longer carried what to Arcturus resembled a cruel mockery, even if it was only the young boy’s fancy. Maybe he noticed that Arcturus was nervous or maybe it was all in Arcturus' head. 'Stupid git. You made a fool out of yourself now look where it got you. You better run before—' he chastised himself in his head but the old man's voice made him flinch in his spot.
"Paired with a sincere, self-aware owner, however, this wand becomes one of the most loyal and impressive wands of all, with a particular flair in all kinds of charmwork. Go on, try it, lad, give it a wave. Do something."
Arcturus took the wand and was sure at that moment Ollivander was going to burst into laughter and call him out on being a squib and kick him out of his shop, but to his surprise, the wand tingled in his right hand as if it was channeling the magic in him to come through which was a weird sensation, like getting buzzed for a split second. He looked up and Ollivander was smiling at him, the old wandmaker no longer looked as cold as he did a few moments before.
"The wand, it has chosen its master." Beamed Ollivander.
********
With eleven galleons left in his pocket, Arcturus managed to buy his clothes, his books and other equipment such as the telescope he was really looking forward to having. But his most exciting purchase was something off the list he wanted to buy which could come in handy if he was going to Hogwarts and it was Sleekeasy's Scalp Balm. Fleamont Potter's product for hair potion and Scalp Treatment. He desperately was going to need a hair potion for his school year, if anything mattered it was going to be his now quickly growing hair that was not "easiest to manage " according to Narcissa and Lucius, although it was safe to say Lucius didn't exactly use the nicest words to remind him of that fact almost every day.
He had everything he needed but an owl which cost roughly around fifteen galleons. 'I won't need an owl anyway, not like I have anyone to send letters to or anyone to receive anything from.' he reassured himself.
But soon scoffed rather bitterly to himself when he realised he didn't have any money left for a pet or food for himself and wondered if he was going to starve throughout the whole day.
********
11:35 am Hogwarts Express
Getting to King's cross was the easy part compared to what happened to him right when he first caught a glimpse of the Hogwarts Express. That's when he knew it was all over for him before anything could even begin.
Lucius Malfoy was marching towards him, his long black fur coat fighting against the wind on the ends of it, his flaring nostrils and his cold eyes were fixated on Arcturus.
Arcturus' shoulders lifted as if to hide himself in a protective shell, he dragged his feet backwards but his whole body was too shaky to help him escape. With each step that Lucius took in his direction, Arcturus felt like it was getting harder for him to breathe. He glanced around taking in the magical journey that could have a place for him, which now seemed like too much to ask for like always. The crowds chattering happily, the steam from the engine, the cats, the hooting owls, the faces of happy students. It was all he could ever have; a glimpse of what others already had.
By the time he knew it was over for him, two hands from behind of him grabbed him by the shoulders and yanked him away, he yelped trying to resist as he was getting further and further away from Lucius Malfoy who was now seething with anger and had his wand drawn, ready to shoot a spell at him.
( Song: No son of mine - Genesis)