Chapter 1
Sirius’ regiment has ten days’ to spend in a small village near the coast before leaving for the front. A sort of vacation before being sent to death if you’d like.
The village is all damp weather and grey clouds. Sirius hasn’t been near the sea since he was a child, since it happened. He finds it crazy in some way that it took a war to bring him here, at the edges of the world, salty breeze in his hair. He knew he would have come back some day, he would have had to.
He’ll soon have to slick back his hair again so he enjoys letting it free for now. He closes his eyes and lets himself feel the wind on his face and in his hair, lets himself listen to the sound of waves crashing on the shore, lets himself smell the sent of the ocean. It may be his last time here. It might be his last time near a beach at all.
He wanders on the beach, taking everything in, his uniform feeling heavy on his shoulders. Sirius wanted to get involved in this war, to a certain level, not one where he would be risking his and his friend’s lives front line. James is the one who wanted to fight, to get enlisted.
In the end, they didn’t have much choice, they both had to go to war, no questions asked, and Sirius couldn’t follow James anywhere like he always said he would.
What he can do, though, is make everything for James to go home. He doesn’t have to go back too, he doesn’t have to survive this war, but James has. Because James has people waiting for him back in the village he grew up in. James has parents and a wife and soon he’ll have a child. James has friends and family and people who rely on him. He has to make it home.
It doesn’t mean Sirius has the intention to die out there, mind, but he’ll give his life if it means James is to go back to Lily and Effie and Monty, and James doesn’t have to know about that. In fact, he doesn’t, and even if Sirius has to die for James to make it out, he won’t have to know that Sirius was always willing to sacrifice himself. No, this secret is his to keep.
His and the sea in front of him.
The sea took his childhood from him, so he tells him his future.
He sits on the dark sand and watches the waves come and go, and listens to the different sea birds singing. He doesn’t know how much time passes but he doesn’t have to worry, not now.
The thing with growing up in a house where you always have to be wary is that it never really leaves you, you’re always aware of your surroundings. That’s how Sirius feels a gaze on him and turns to see who it is. The man– Sirius assumes it’s a man– is watching from the butte, meters away. Sirius cannot really make out much of him because of the distance but he seems tall and is carrying a cane, when he sees Sirius turning around, the man keeps staring and Sirius stares back.
Sirius asks himself if it is an old man or one of those boys who cannot go to war because they were badly injured in their youth or because they mutilated themselves to run from it.
He doesn’t get much time to think about it before James comes launching himself at him, taking his mind and eyes off the stranger.
“Hiya Padfoot! Where have you been this morning?” He asks, sitting next to Sirius.
“Here.” Sirius says, looking out to the sea. “It’s been a while since I haven’t been near the sea.”
“Oh, right.” James says sadly, turning his head to look at him, resting it on the arms he put beforehand on his knees.
Sirius shakes his head, “It’s beautiful. I should probably have come back sooner.” Not on the verge of war, he doesn’t say.
“Well,” James shrugs, looking at the ocean in front of them, “We’ll have to come back then. When this is all over. You, me, Lily, the baby. What about that?”
Sirius turns to him and soon James does the same, a sincere expression on his face. Sirius wonders how he’d go on if James wasn’t to make it. He’d probably go crazy or die himself.
“Sounds good to me.” Sirius smiles and James returns it before passing an arm around his shoulders.
“Come on, the boys want to go out to a bar in town tonight.”
***
The place is crowded and it is mostly soldiers. Everywhere Sirius looks, he recognises the greyish uniform similar to his own. He doesn’t like it very much, this uniform, and cannot wait to go back to normal clothes, he misses his leather jacket and his black boots and his jeans. He reassures himself with the fact that he can let his hair free for the next ten days. He should have cut it, they wanted him to, but Sirius is persuasive and he compromised. James wasn’t so lucky but he avoided the buzz cut, it is still a win.
“Come on, let’s go to the bar.” Frank says, passing each arms around James and Sirius’ necks respectively and starting to make his way through the soldiers and locals both.
“You couldn’t persuade Pete to join us?” James asks.
Frank shakes his head, “He said he’ll come next time.”
James throws his head back to laugh and soon they make it to the bar. They chat with other soldiers and locals as they wait for the bartender. James is telling a story, animatedly moving his arms as he retells the time him and Sirius got lost in a forest, and Sirius laughs along, sometimes adding his point of view or a detail.
“I wasn’t freaking out.” He says. “But James cried after an hour or so.”
“I will not comment on it.” James shakes slowly his head. “It was cold and getting dark, it took us another hour to find our way home.”
Everyone laughs and Sirius is still laughing when someone coughs behind him, from the other side of the counter. He turns around at the same time as James and comes to face a tall man with a scar across his face. Sirius slightly frowns at the sight of him, not expecting to see a man serving at the bar, but his smile doesn’t flatter.
“What can I get you boys?” He asks, looking at all of them.
“Beer!” James says. “Lot of beer!”
The man nods and turns slightly his head to lay eyes on Sirius, “Beer for everyone?”
Oh my, Sirius thinks. He’s pretty. He’s very fucking pretty.
“Yup.” Sirius says with a nod. “Beer for everyone.”
The bartender smiles and turns to make their beers. Sirius starts his conversation with the others again but keeps an eye on the man. He’s tall, very fucking tall, taller than James, but unlike James he is quite thin. His hair is dark honey and curling slightly, amber eyes, freckles, he is beautiful.
He’s not much listening to what the others are saying but he pretends he is. It’s just that the man has very pretty fingers too and he prepares their pints with experimented hands. It’s mechanical the way he fills the glasses, avoiding foam. He’s quick too. Sirius assumes it’s been a while since he started working here.
He turns and starts to hand pints to the boys around.
“What it is that you’re doing here?” A man asks him and Sirius turns to find Lucius. He rolls his eyes, already annoyed by the sight of him.
The bartender as an ever going smile on his lips that makes him seem amused at all time and maybe he is, “What do you mean by that?” He asks back softly, he doesn’t seem angry about the question.
“I mean, you should be on our side of the bar.” Mulciber says from Lucius’ side. “Participating in war effort.”
“Isn’t this war effort too, soldiers?” The man asks with a grin, handing a pint to Frank.
“That it is!” Sirius grins back before taking a huge sip of his own pint.
The man looks at him and smiles a charming smile that make Sirius thank himself for being leaned against the bar, in no position to fall over.
“You know what I mean.” Mulciber frowns. “Why are you there, serving us pints, when every man in the country has to join the military.”
“Who would serve you pints if I was in the military?” The man cocks an eyebrow and Sirius laughs, along with James and Frank.
Mulciber raises his fist, ready to hit the bartender who, really, did nothing wrong, but Sirius grabs his raised fist and with a few motions of their bodies, slams Mulciber against the bar.
“Easy there, boy.” Sirius says, maintaining Mulciber in place. “You’re not going to start a fight here, it’s a respectable place. Don’t you know there’s many reasons for a man not to be enrolled? Or are you that thick?”
Mulciber tries to move but doesn’t manage to, “I know about the cowards who mutilate themselves to avoid the fight!”
“So you are that stupid.” Sirius says calmly, pressing Mulciber’s torso harder against the bar.
“Sirius.” Lucius warns from his side now. “Let go of him.”
Sirius looks over at him, not letting go of Mulciber yet. It’s not until he feels James’ hand on his shoulder that he sets Mulciber free. They glare at each other and Sirius starts to feel the thrill of the fight, it’s going to explode at every moment.
“Soldiers.” The bartender calls from his side of the counter. He slowly rolls up his sleeves to reveal a numerous number of scars matching the one on his nose. They are all faded, ancient. “It’s really none of your business but I will not let a fight break in my bar.” He takes out a cane from under the bar and Sirius feels Mulciber stiffen next to him, like he’s getting ready to defend himself. “And I will not let some guy who thinks he is above everyone disrespect me.” He throws a look at Mulciber. “I’ve been disabled since I was a child and people need me here. Now, if you’re not able to contain yourself, get the fuck out of my bar before I make you.”
Sirius shouldn’t be feeling those things in his stomach.
He does.
Mulciber steps back with his hands up, not without glaring at Sirius, and him, Lucius and the rest of their crew leave their side. They go sit in the back of the bar, away from view.
“Sons of bitches.” Sirius mutters, turning away from them and taking a sip of his beer.
“Thanks by the way. You didn’t have to, but thanks.” The bartender says, a little bashful.
Sirius turns to look at him and smiles, “No need to thank me, I wasn’t going to let fucking Mulciber hit you.” He extends his hand, “I’m Sirius Black by the way.”
The other man looks down at his hand for a moment but ends up grabbing it, a sort of smirk on his lips, “Remus. Remus Lupin.”
***
Sirius barely sleeps the first night, too occupied thinking about Remus Lupin. There’s just something about him, something Sirius cannot put his finger on.
He’s glad the others decided to go back to the bar the day after – and probably every days after until they have to leave because it is the only bar in the village– because he’ll be able to see him again and to maybe figure out why.
Sirius stares at the trunk above him, the mattress on which James is sleeping (he claimed the top trunk on day one), and asks himself why Remus Lupin. Why is that man doing this to him? What it is about him that bewitched Sirius? He doesn’t know and he feels like maybe he’ll never know. Like the answer is going to walk past him but he won’t be able to catch it.
Finally, he ends up falling asleep.
They spend much of the day after helping locals. With no men around, some tasks are quite hard, see impossible. For some, they have to be two and the wives cannot do them on their own. For others, they never learned how to and their husbands had to leave before they taught them. For yet others, they are old and used to ask for help to the younger men of the village.
But truly, they take advantage of the soldiers to do their work.
Sirius doesn’t mind, it keeps him and his mind busy. He likes doing physical work most of the time. Also, he has a bit of parents issues so he likes hearing an elder person tell him he did good.
“Good job, son.” An old man with grey hair who has troubles walking tells him after he fixed his door. “I cannot do things like these with my hands anymore.” He says for the tenth time, showing his hands to Sirius who nods with a sorry expression.
“It was nothing, sir. Really, we’re glad to help.” Sirius grins.
“Do you have anyone back home, boy?” The man asks and Sirius fights the urge to roll his eyes. If it is another one who tries to set him up with their granddaughter, Sirius is going to tear out his fucking eyeballs.
“No sir.” He says.
“That’s too bad.” The old man frowns. “You’d make a good match.”
Sirius laughs, “I’m not sure I am fitted for the roll of husband, sir. I’m quite irresponsible to be honest, but thank you.”
“Nonsense.” The man shakes his head. “You’re a very respectable gentleman.”
Sirius laughs again and doesn’t argue further. He knows he is not made for marriage, it’s not news, everyone told him at some point.
It is not that he doesn’t want to get married, he will eventually, with the right person. It’s just that there is no point in getting married just to get married for Sirius. He doesn’t care for a legacy, he doesn’t want heirs, so, if Sirius is to get married, it will be for love and love only. He also knows he won’t necessarily be a good husband. He’s impulsive and messy and, like he said to the old man, quite irresponsible.
James got married early but that’s solely because he knew Lily and him where it, because he knew it will never be anyone else, and Lily felt the same. They married because they were in love and when Lily got pregnant, it wasn’t because they wanted an heir.
Like he has been magically summoned, James appears in front of him, all sweat and dirt.
“Where in hell have you been?” Sirius asks him, leaning back to avoid James’ dirty hands.
“A widow made me fix her late husband’s truck. What did you do?”
“I fixed a door.” Sirius grins cheekily.
“The world is truly unfair.” James shakes his head.
“How many people tried to set you up with their daughters?” Sirius asks when they resumed walking. They are to take a shower before going out tonight.
“Way too many to count. You?”
“Way too much for my taste.” Sirius sighs.
“You’ll find a girl someday, one you really like.” James says sincerely.
And maybe if James believes it, it is true.
***
The bar is as crowded today as it was yesterday and Frank and James decide to claim a table. Sirius volunteers to go order their drinks and no one objects. He weaves his way between the different groups of people until he reaches the bar and waits for Remus to come take his order.
There’s a band playing tonight and Sirius listens to the music they play while he waits. He would have loved to be in a band. He would have loved to perform. It almost happened actually, but now he’s here and he has to leave the dream behind, maybe after the war.
“Sirius Black, that is?” A voice takes him out of his own mind.
He turns his head and finds Remus Lupin smiling at him. He’s wearing a brown shirt that really suits him today.
“Surprised you remember my name.”
“Not many people slam other people on my counter to defend me around there. And you make quite an impression.” Remus shrugs.
“Do I?” Sirius smiles, pleased.
Remus nods, “A very noticeable man you are.” He says solemnly.
Sirius laughs, “I could say the same about you, Remus Lupin.”
They look at each other in silence for a moment and Sirius is not sure of what is happening. He’s not sure of what made the time stop.
“What can I get you?” Remus finally asks.
“Four pints please.” Sirius answers mechanically. “My friends decided to sit at the table around there.” He adds, gesturing in the direction he let the boys at.
Remus hums, “Too bad.” He says, something unreadable in his eyes. “Do you need help carrying the glasses over?”
“No. I’ll handle it, thanks.” Sirius smiles. “And I’ll come back throughout the night. Order other drinks.”
“Right.” Remus clicks his tongue. “I’ll be there whenever.”
It feels like it means more than what it is supposed to mean but Sirius doesn’t understand what. He smiles at Remus and the other man turns around to prepare his order. Sirius stares at his back through the whole thing.
The lights in the bar are dim, something yellow and cosy, it feels like a dream from time to time. The band is not bad and Sirius appreciates the music. They don’t have much of that, music, except for the few like him who like to sing periodically. None of them have a guitar or any kind of instrument. It’s quite sad actually. Sirius knows other regiments are full of musicians, not his, most of the time, they play cards and get drunk.
“Here it is.” Remus says, turning around and putting the pints down on a tray for Sirius to carry.
“Thanks.” Sirius smiles, giving Remus a few banknotes. “See you soon.”
Remus smiles back before going to other customers and Sirius goes back to the boys.
***
Sirius didn’t realise it yesterday because he was too focused on the pretty bartender, but they are getting hit on on every sides. Pretty girls will come and talk to them and, inevitably, since Frank and James are already involved, try to flirt with him. Sirius was oblivious yesterday but he isn’t today. It is lingering touches and forced laughters. At moments, he enjoys it, it is quite entertaining. At others, it bores him to death.
That’s how he finds himself going back and forth between the bar and the table. That’s how he finds himself quite sloshed after a few hours.
“You alright?” Remus asks him when he stumbles on a stool, nearly falling off.
“Need a fag.” Sirius passes a hand on his face. “Forgot mine. You don’t happen to have some by any chance?” He asks hopefully.
Remus eyes him for a moment then breaks a smile, “It’s your lucky day, Sirius Black, because I do happen to have some, and it so happens to be my break right now.”
Sirius feels lucky at this exact moment, he feels so fucking lucky. He follows Remus out of the bar by a back door and leans against the wall as Remus passes him a cigarette. He has his cane with him and Sirius asks himself if he needs it at all time and how exactly he came to need it. He doesn’t ask, but he thinks about it very much as Remus lights their fags.
“Fuck, that’s good.” Sirius says after taking a drag.
Remus doesn’t answer but nods. He is looking forward and Sirius tries not to stare. He’s not very successful.
“What is it?” Remus asks at some point, turning to look at him.
Sirius shakes his head, “Nothing. Was thinking, that’s all.”
“Thinking about what?” Remus asks low, leaning against the wall.
How pretty you are, Sirius thinks. How interesting you seem to be.
He shrugs, “Is it really your bar?” He says instead. Remus cocks an eyebrow and then frowns. “You said yesterday that you won’t let a fight break in your bar. And then you told Mulciber and Lucius to get the fuck out of your bar before you made them.” He adds because Remus clearly didn’t get the question.
“Oh, right.” Remus nods, pulling a drag of his cigarette. “Well, it’s my father’s, but he’s too old to work. Him and my mother both. They can’t work so they rely on me.”
“That’s one of the reasons you still get to wear normal clothes when I have to wear this boring arse uniform.” Sirius smiles a sloppy smile, extending an arm before letting it fall to his side.
Remus laughs but nods, “Yeah, that’s one of the reason.” He looks at Sirius up and down before crossing their gaze again, “Although I think the uniform looks good on you.”
“You do?” Sirius asks, looking down at himself. Remus nods, not showing an once of dishonesty and Sirius grins, all teeth out, “Well, thank you Remus Lupin, that means a lot.”
“I’m sure it does.” Remus jokes but Sirius is not joking.
“No, it does! It’s so personality-less. So boring. I really do hate it.”
“At least you got to keep the hair.” Remus points out with a half smile, almost reaching out to touch Sirius’ hair.
“I got to keep the hair.” Sirius agrees, kind of out of breath for some reason.
They look at each other some more, cigarettes long finished but none of them move. None of them mention going back inside until someone opens the door and asks Remus for help.
Before they have to break apart, Remus going back to his job, Sirius going back to his friends, Remus calls him, “You’ll be here tomorrow again?” He asks, almost shyly.
“Will you?” Sirius grins and Remus laughs. “See you tomorrow Remus Lupin.”
And he’s off to his friends again.
***
Their second day in the village goes quite similarly to the first except it is more sunny and hot today. Sirius pulled his hair back a while ago and took off his jacket, leaving him in a simple white tank top. James and him helped an old farmer in the morning and they have now a bit of free time in the early afternoon that they spend wandering around, visiting the village. Sirius asks himself how many men from here already died in the war and how much more are currently fighting. He asks himself if there is a regiment currently in his hometown doing the same things as he is doing here.
He gets homesick from time to time but the thing is: James is his home now, has been for a while, and James is here with him too. He would have liked for him to be safe, although he is not in immediate danger right now, but he is glad that if he has to go through it with someone, it is James. They always figure things out together. They always win in the end together. Sirius is not scared.
“The weather is so strange here.” James says, looking up at the sun with narrowed eyes. “I swear it was freezing just yesterday and now we could go for a swim.”
Sirius doesn’t say anything. He dreads the idea of swimming in the sea. He’s terrified of it.
“Maybe we can?” James proposes, looking at Sirius hopefully.
A wave of panic fills Sirius and he swallows harshly, “I’m not sure we’re going to–” he starts before being cut by a dog jumping directly on him. “What the–” he says from the floor as the dog licks his face.
“Merlin, here!” Comes a man’s voice that he recognises and the dog gets off him. “Oh my god, I’m so, so sorry.” The man says and Sirius sits up. “He’s not like– Sirius?”
Sirius looks up and finds Remus Lupin looking down at him, cane in hand and his dog collar in the other.
“Oh, hi.” Sirius says with a lopsided smile, jumping to his feet.
“Er, sorry for Merlin. He’s an affectionate dog but he doesn’t usually– jump on people like that. I don’t know what got him.” Remus apologises.
“It’s no problem.” Sirius smiles. “Can I?” He asks next, pointing at the dog, and Remus nods.
He goes to pet the dog as James and Remus talk a little, small talk really. It goes easily and soon Sirius is not listening anymore, too focused on the brown dog. He always wanted one but never got the occasion to. He sees himself with a black dog, one that looks a bit like a stray one. Maybe after the war he could adopt one.
“Can I play with him?” He asks Remus who nods and smiles at him before continuing his conversation with James about god-knows-what.
Sirius goes to find a stick and starts playing with the dog–Merlin– while his best friend and the bartender he can’t seem to push out of his mind talk.
He still doesn’t know what it is about Remus that gets him obsessed but he finds that he doesn’t care that much to understand. It’s not like if he really gets the time to do it, is it?
“Do you need help with cleaning the bar when it closes?” He asks later, when James asked if he could play with the dog now.
Remus eyes him for a moment, a deep consideration painted on his face that make Sirius have no idea what he is going to answer. He could as much say no with anger or agree happily, Sirius has no idea.
“I could use some help.” He ends up saying with a shrug and Sirius breaks a grin.
“I’ll help you tonight then.”
“I’m looking forward to it.” Remus smiles of that ever-going smile of his.
If Sirius feels something fluttering in his stomach, he doesn’t know what it is.
***
“What do you do of your days, here?” Remus asks, putting a chair on a table while Sirius does the same a few steps away.
“We help the locals with what they cannot handle on their own. I think we are doing the dirty work more of, but it keeps us busy. Keeps our mind on something that isn’t the war.” Sirius says. “When did you adopt Merlin?”
They have been asking each other questions while cleaning for the past thirty minutes, almost like a game. Sirius used to play this game with his friends when he was little, before he got to know them so well that there was no question left to ask.
“Two years ago.” Remus smiles. “But he is at least five years old, his old owner died before I got him.”
“That’s sad.”
“Yeah.” Remus agrees. “The poor lad was a wreck for weeks after it.”
“But he got over it.” Sirius says.
Remus nods, “I don’t know how it is going on inside of his head, but he’s better now.” He looks at Sirius tentatively, trying not to stare, and Sirius wouldn’t know that if he wasn’t doing the same thing. “Are you engaged?” Remus almost whispers.
“Are you?” Sirius says back without missing a bit, stoping in his task to look at Remus.
Remus does the same, “Am not.”
“Neither I am.”
They stare at each other for a moment, something shifting in the air. Sirius doesn’t know what.
“Do you have anyone at all?” Remus murmurs.
“I thought it was my time to ask a question.” Sirius murmurs back.
“You already used it.” Remus recalls.
Sirius nods in defeat, “I don’t. Do you? Have anyone. Here.”
“No.” Remus says instantly. “I don’t.”
“It’s not women missing around here.” Sirius says just to have something to say. In only three days, he’s been hit on by a dozen women and almost as much elders tried to set him on with their child or grand child.
“I know.” Remus says, a little sadly but with the beginning of an amused smile on his lips. “I live here you know?”
“So why?” Sirius asks, not getting it. There’s pretty women in this village and Remus clearly is an handsome bloke, so why isn’t he involved with anyone?
“Why don’t you have anyone?” Remus asks instead of answering.
Sirius shrugs, it’s not like if he doesn’t have opportunities back home, he just doesn’t get involved. He raises his eyebrows at Remus to encourage him to answer to his question.
“I… am not really… interested.” Remus says warily, eying Sirius and Sirius can’t seem to figure out why. There is something here, in Remus’ eyes, in the way he said it, that Sirius doesn’t get.
They stare at each other, somehow closer now, only a few steps away from one another. Sirius feels like he could just… reach out. But why would he do that? Reach out and touch. What for? He just feels like doing it, his whole body aching to just do it.
“We should– we should finish cleaning and head back home.” Sirius says low and Remus lets out a profound breath that makes Sirius think maybe he wasn’t breathing at all before.
“Yeah, we should probably do that.” Remus nods, turning heels to go back to his cleaning.
They don’t talk much until they have to say goodbye.
***
Sirius is not sure he would have enjoyed going out every night back home but he sure does here. Going out takes the soldiers’ minds out of what awaits them, and Sirius is one of these soldiers.
Going to the bar results in Sirius not thinking about the war that much, but instead thinking about a certain bartender very fucking much. It’s just… something. It’s been four days and Sirius still doesn’t know what this bloody something is.
Maybe it is just a possible friendship that will never got the opportunity to bloom: Sirius is not sure to survive this war and he’s not even sure he’ll come back here if he does. In the end, that is what Sirius tells himself. Remus and him could have been friends, real, great friends, but it is never to be now. They can enjoy their six remaining days of friendship and then forget all about one another.
“Remus!” Sirius greets when they sit at the bar, Remus not waiting for them to order before he handles them each a pint. “You’re starting to know us.”
“Not that hard to.” Remus smiles of this smile that makes Sirius reach for a stool so he can sit down. “Hello boys.” He tells the others who greet him with a cheer.
Sirius laughs, “How was your day?”
“Busy.” Remus shrugs as he prepares a drink for a lady next to Sirius. “Yours?”
“Pretty similar to yesterday’s. Although I had to climb a tree to save a cat. It scratched me, look.” Sirius says, extending his hand.
Remus looks down at it with a smile then frowns, “Did you not clean this?” He asks, seeming a bit outraged.
“No?”
Remus shakes his head and chuckles a little, he grabs Sirius’ hand to look at it closer and Sirius feels his face going hot. Probably the beer, although he only took two sips. “It’s quite deep. You should have disinfected this.”
Sirius shrugs, not taking his hand off Remus’. Remus examines the scratch a bit more before shaking his head one more time and letting go of it. Sirius regrets the contact immediately.
He doesn’t look into it further.
“I’m out to work.” Remus says, pointing in the direction of few soldiers waving at him to come. “See you later tonight.”
“Right. See you.” Sirius smiles before turning back to his friends.
He drinks and chats with his friends and flirts a little with a few women, not too much to make them hope, but enough to entertain everyone. It’s a win-win situation.
When Remus comes to give them more drinks, Sirius drops his conversations to chat with him. He spends an amazing night and it doesn’t even flatter when Lucius and his band come next to them. He ignores them as much as he can.
He continues to chat with Remus who takes his break and they both smoke here since they can. They laugh and maybe Sirius finds ways to touch Remus’ shoulder, or his arm, or his hand, but he’s also on his way to get pissed. He’s truly having an amazing night.
That’s until Lucius decides to act like an arsehole again.
“Oi, Sirius, could you let go of your faggot friend, we’re waiting to order here.” He says, pushing a little on Sirius arm, not enough for it to seem like he wanted to push him.
“What did you say?” Sirius turns around.
“We’re waiting to order.” Lucius snarls.
“Before that.” Sirius grits his teeth.
“Your faggot friend?” Lucius smiles wickedly.
Some could say Sirius is the violent kind. They could say he used to fight at school for no reason, throw himself head first into fights even. They could even say he’s pretty good at it.
Sirius wouldn’t call himself violent, he’s just, lets say, argumentative.
Except sometimes you have to argue with fists.
This is one of those times.
His fist meets Lucius’ nose and a fight erupts all at once. Lucius’ friends go for Sirius’ and they respond, they’re very glad to respond. Sirius takes a few hits but mostly, he’s the one hitting. Again and again and again. Lucius is on the floor and he hits him. He sobered up rather quickly and is fully conscious of what he is doing and of what he wants to do. What he wants to do and what he is doing seem to be the same thing: hitting Lucius Malfoy’s annoying face.
At some point, someone– probably James– pushes him off Lucius and Lucius’ band leave the bar. He can hear Remus telling everyone to exit the bar behind the ringing in his ears.
“Not you.” Remus says, grabbing his arm, when did he got on this side of the bar? “I got to patch you up. And to talk to you.”
Sirius nods along and turns to tell it to James who seem to already know because he is smiling at him and leaving the bar too.
Sirius sits back on his stool while Remus goes for the first aid kit.
“I’m sorry.” He says as soon as Remus comes back.
“Sit on the bar, you’re too low.” Remus instructs him.
Sirius nods and executes, “I’m really sorry Remus.”
“Let me take a look.” Remus says, grabbing his face, Sirius feels himself going hot again. “You’ve taken a few good hits. You’re bleeding.”
“What? Where?” Sirius asks, bringing his hand up to his face. He feels the thick and hot liquid on his cheek first and then the pain. He cut his cheekbone. “Oh.”
Remus opens the first aid kit and Sirius looks at him in silence, embarrassed. Remus said the very first day that he didn’t want a fight to break in his bar and here is Sirius, starting a fight. He should have dragged Lucius outside and beat him up in the dust.
“Head up.” Remus says, raising his eyebrows at Sirius like if he wants to make him look up by doing so.
Sirius executes and Remus cleans the blood that flowed. He goes back to the first aid kit.
“I’m sorry I started a fight in your bar.” Sirius whispers.
“Don’t apologise.” Remus says, now disinfecting Sirius’ wound with a cotton soaked in alcohol, Sirius winces. “You were just defending me.”
“He shouldn’t have said that.” Sirius almost growls, he fucking hates Lucius.
“Sirius.” Remus says warily, lowering the cotton.
“No!” Sirius cuts, already feeling Remus saying something like ‘it’s okay’. It wasn’t okay. “It was fucking slurs.”
“Sirius.” Remus says, much lower, much sadder.
“What?”
“He wasn’t wrong.” Remus says, looking down.
“Yes he was!” Sirius bursts, hands in the air.
“Sirius.” Remus says again and his words really sink i
Oh, fuck!
“I meant that he was wrong about using slurs.” Sirius says, scared of Remus thinking he is like Lucius. He’s not. He’s fucking not.
“Oh, oh, okay.” Remus nods slowly, eyebrows frowned.
“You are– you– I mean– you do… whatever.” Sirius continues, feeling again like if he is missing on something.
Remus looks up at him, eyes too sad for Sirius’ liking, “Yeah, yeah right.”
“Remus?”
“Yeah?”
“I– I’m sorry if you felt like you had to tell me. Thanks for telling me I–" Sirius starts before cutting himself, thinking of Remus’ words, about twenty four hours ago. “Oh.” He makes. “Is that what you meant by you not being interested?”
Remus nods and Sirius says ‘oh’ again. He looks at Remus but Remus is looking down. Sirius wants Remus to look at him. He gets off the bar and that makes Remus turn to him, surprised.
“I wasn’t done–” He starts lifting the cotton but Sirius cuts him off by bringing their lips together.
It is slow and gentle at first, like they are testing waters, not sure of what to do, and it is exactly that. Sirius never kissed a boy, and he never thought it could be something he’d do someday, but it doesn’t feel wrong kissing Remus, it actually feels quite right. Quite perfect.
It is not his very first kiss but it feels like it. Remus’ lips are soft, so very soft, and Sirius never wants to break the kiss. Except he didn’t even ask Remus if it was okay with him.
Remus being gay doesn’t mean he wants to kiss every willing man on the planet.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t–”
“Stop fucking apologising, Sirius.” Remus almost snaps, looking at him with hungry eyes.
The second after, Sirius is kissing him again, more deeply this time. He has Remus pressed against the bar, his own body pressed against Remus’. He kisses him like a man on a mission and Remus responds just as eagerly, hands everywhere which honestly makes Sirius a little dizzy. Remus pulls a little on his hair, tilting his head back and Sirius all but moan in his mouth, not even a little bit ashamed of it, and even less when Remus responds by moaning back. It is tongues and teeth and soft lips and Sirius feels like he could die a happy and fulfilled man in this moment, with Remus’ mouth against his and their bodies close.
He spent the last four days trying to figure Remus out and he just wanted to kiss him and kiss him and kiss him. Lord, he was so oblivious. Here he was thinking they were a possible friendship never able to bloom when it was so much more than friendship, he could laugh at himself. Sirius wants to become air so Remus can breath him in and carry him around his whole life. He never wants to go anywhere. He never wants to–
“Oh fuck!” A voice says behind him at the same time as the door opens.
They break apart and Sirius turns to see James, a shocked expression on his face. Oh fuck, indeed.
“I– we have to go– I– I’ll wait for you outside.” James says before turning heels and leaving the bar.
Sirius stares after him, panting. Remus’ hand is still on his hip where it stopped last and Sirius closes his eyes to feel the touch better before stepping slowly back.
“I should– I should go.” He murmurs.
“Yeah.” Remus breathes out.
“Good night Remus. See you around.”
“Yeah.” Remus repeats. “Good night.”
Sirius hesitates a second, two, three, in the end he joins James outside.
***
It is cold in the street at this hour and James is ahead. Sirius doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know what to say. What if James doesn’t want to talk to him anymore? What if James doesn’t want to be his best friend anymore? Sirius’ eyes might fill with tears at the thought.
It’s just that James isn’t the kind to be silent. He is sometimes, it happens of course, but never this kind of silence, certainly not after such events.
Sirius tries not to think too much about what happened until he talked about it with James. It is not that he regrets, he would be a fool to regret such a kiss, it’s just that he cannot handle too many things at the same time, and right now, James isn’t talking to him.
He stops walking.
“James.”
“We’re going to be late for curfew, Sirius.” James says, slowing down but not stopping.
“James, please.” Sirius pleads, he cannot lose James, he’d rather die than lose James. “James talk to me, please.”
James stops, his back to Sirius and Sirius starts crying silently. He stares at James’ back and he is so scared. He is scared because he has to go to war in six fucking days and he is not ready. He is scared because he might be developing feelings for a bloke in a village he isn’t even sure he could come back in. He is scared because he could lose his best friend and Sirius cannot lose James, he already lost so much, he cannot lose him too.
After a few seconds, James all but runs to Sirius and hugs him tightly. Sirius breaks apart, sobbing in his arms.
“I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me.” James whispers in his ear, he is crying too.
“I didn’t know.” Sirius weeps. “I didn’t know.”
They hug in silence some more, holding onto each other, not letting themselves fall, then James breaks the hug, keeping his hands on Sirius’ shoulders.
“It’s– I’m not saying it doesn’t feel strange, it would be lying but– it will never not be okay with me Sirius. I’ll always be by your side. I’m your number one supporter.” James say
“I’m scared.”
“I know.”
“It is going nowhere.”
“I know.” James repeats, it is sadder.
“I wish I would have met him in a different way. I wish there wasn’t a war.” Sirius cries, James keeps him in place.
“I know. Me too.”
“I love you, Prongs.” Sirius says looking up at his best friend, and James understands what he means because they always get each other.
He loves James like a brother, he loves James like a best friend. He loves James in a way that means everything and nothing, in a way that other people don’t understand. Because James isn’t his blood and James isn’t his lover, but he is his veins and his heart. They always told one another that they loved each other and Sirius fancying blokes doesn’t change it for James, he knows how Sirius loves him and he loves him just the same.
Sirius knows it, of course, but it still feels good, especially now, when James says:
“Yeah. Me too, Pads. Me too.”