Chapter 2
That first day when the soldiers arrived, Remus just wanted to go for a quick walk on the beach to get his mind off it all. Off the war he cannot fight into. Off those soldiers who will feel so much better than him because they are being sent to death. Off the main reason he cannot join the military.
Remus just wanted to go for a walk.
And then, on his beach, was one of those motherfucking soldiers, walking like if he owned the place, sitting like if he belonged there. He didn’t. The beach is Remus’, it’ll always be.
The soldier turned to him and Remus felt an odd thing inside of him. He couldn’t see his face quite clearly but there was something about the way he, lets say, moved? Possessed his own body?
Remus is not sure how to explain it, but it was in his presence, in the way he lived. He couldn’t look away and only left when another soldier came jumping on the first one.
He all but forgot about the man after it. He worked the whole day and couldn’t be bothered by such a thing. He dreaded night, because he knew every soldiers were going to come to the bar, it was going to be crowded. He didn’t think about the man on the beach, about the fact that he could be here. Until he saw him. And how could one have such a pretty smile?
Mind, Remus knew he was into men since his cousins brought magazines with hot men on the covers when he was eleven during their yearly summer holiday here, and he even had a small (but intense) adventure with a bloke a few years older than him named Leighton a few years ago. Leighton is now dead and their relationship never really went further than getting off and being homophobic to one another, as if they weren’t in it together.
And he had crushes throughout his life, boys his age, older boys, every kind of boys actually. And he really did love their smiles.
But him? His smile? Well Remus was fucked. Because it was the prettiest fucking smile he ever saw and the man was just so fucking attractive. More attractive than all his crushes reunited, more attractive than Leighton and even more bloody attractive than the blokes on the magazines covers.
He shined, that what he was doing, and maybe Remus stared a little before interrupting him and his friends.
And then he did and the boy even had a pretty voice. And pretty eyes.
When, as predicted, other soldiers tried to pick on him the boy even defended him! Quite literally slammed a man against the counter. Almost got into a fight. And if that wasn’t the hottest thing Remus ever saw.
Shaking his hand felt like a dream, soft and cold hands (Sirius’ hands are always so cold), slim fingers. But then he had to spend the rest of the night seeing him being hit on by the girls he grew up with, girls he was never interested in, girls Sirius seemed to enjoy flirting with back. But he kept talking to him and looking at him and that got Remus confused, so he decided to ignore it.
Except the day after Sirius came back, and Sirius kept coming back to the bar even though they have waitresses doing turns (Remus didn’t care to mention it). And Sirius kept coming to talk to him.
Everything after kinda went in a blurry; them smoking together, Sirius in a tank top with his hair up, him proposing to help Remus clean, them cleaning together, them talking, always them talking, Sirius getting in a fight because someone called Remus a homophobic slur.
And then Sirius kissed him and the time stopped.
Remus was so scared to tell him, because Sirius might be nice and everything, but he’s still a soldier, he’s still a man. Remus had wild dreams about kissing Sirius in the four days they knew each other, but it never seemed fathomable, he didn’t think it could happen.
And when it did happen, and it was Sirius kissing him, it was so much better than what Remus could ever imagine. It was like they were destined to be like that, made for one another. Everywhere Remus put his hand, it felt like it had been made for his palm, and he knows it is crazy, he knows such a thing isn’t possible, but damn did it feel that way!
Now Remus doesn’t know what to do. Sirius left, mostly because he had to, maybe because he wanted to, and Remus doesn’t know what to do. Will Sirius come back to the bar tomorrow? Will he ever see him again? Does he regret? Oh, Remus so hopes he doesn’t regret.
Remus so hopes Sirius will come back.
***
The night after their kiss, Remus doesn’t see Sirius. The bar seems more crowded and the night longer and Sirius isn’t there. It feels like being hit, hit very fucking hard. Honestly, Remus would have preferred for someone to punch him in the face.
He knows he cannot expect much from Sirius when they kissed once, when they’ve known each other for half a week, but he had the impression it was special. Call him an idealist, he doesn’t care, Remus knows what he is. He was always the pessimist kind but something about Sirius made him think differently and that’s confusing. So fucking confusing.
Because how can someone you barely know change you? How come Remus feels brand new, just by being around Sirius Black?
He should have predicted it and maybe he did, but it still hurts, it hurts very fucking much.
***
Remus doesn’t expect Sirius to show up at his door the next morning but here he is, all but pretty.
“Hi.” He says shyly.
“Hi.” Remus answers, baffled.
“I–er– would you like to show me around?” Sirius asks, looking up at Remus.
Remus’ heart might stop, it might not, “Yeah. I’d like to.” He says, reaching for his jacket and shoes.
“I thought we could also have a picnic.”
“On the beach?” Remus looks up from where he was lacing his left shoe.
“Yeah. The beach sounds good.”
Remus isn’t the kind for toothy smiles and giddy attitude, but Lord that’s what Sirius makes out of him. They walk close to each other through the village and Remus tells him stories about places. He shows him the school and the park, he shows him the few shops here and there, the bakery which makes dazing chocolate cakes and Sirius insists on buying some, he shows him his favourite streets to wander and they inevitably end up on the beach. There are other people here, soldiers enjoying a day that seems to be off, taking in the sun and the marine air, families having a picnic, friends chatting or playing a game.
They claim a spot on the sand and Sirius takes out a few things to eat from a bag he had been carrying around.
“What if I refused to have a picnic with you?” Remus asks, looking at the food.
Sirius shrugs and looks at him from the side, “You wouldn’t have.”
“And if I did.”
“I would have eat it on my own.” He shrugs again with a smile.
Remus nods in agreement and they fall into a comfortable but not so comfortable silence. Sirius is staring out at the sea and he seems deep in thoughts, Remus doesn’t dare to interrupt him. There is something so extremely sad in his eyes and Remus asks himself if he has anything to do with it, he hopes he doesn’t.
“Do you like the sea?” Remus asks at some point, not able to keep quiet much longer and wanting to wipe the sadness off Sirius’ face.
“I don’t know.” Sirius says softly.
“You don’t know?” Remus repeats, confused and a bit amused.
“It sure is beautiful.” Sirius says, gaze still lost somewhere that seems out of reach. “But it is terrifying.”
“Why?”
“It kills people.” Sirius murmurs.
Remus frowns a little and looks away from Sirius to look at the sea, “Everything can kill people.” He says. You’re going to kill people soon, he doesn’t say.
“It killed my brother.” Sirius whispers and when Remus turns to look at him, he can see him biting down on his lip.
“Oh.” Remus makes, taken aback. “I’m so sorry.”
Sirius shrugs, passing a hand on his face, “It was a long time ago. I don’t even know why I’m talking about it now.”
“You can if you want to.” Remus proposes.
“I don’t.” Sirius almost snaps then turns to Remus. “Sorry. I just– I don’t talk about it. Never. It’s–“ he swallows then takes a deep breath in, “I was supposed to protect him, I didn’t. End of the story.”
“Okay.” Remus says. “No need to talk about it.”
“It’s just–” Sirius starts, looking out at the sea again.
Deep inside of him, Sirius must want to talk about it. Remus even thinks he needs to talk about it.
“I haven’t been near the sea since it happened and…” he sighs, closing his eyes. “I hate that it is comforting.”
“The sea?” Remus asks cautiously.
Sirius nods, “It’s beautiful. And it’s calming and–” he cuts himself. “Enough talking about it.” He says, turning to Remus with an exhausted smile.
Remus nods, looking at Sirius with an expression he hopes doesn’t convey pity but shows how sorry he is. He feels like Sirius has so many layers, so many secrets hidden deep inside and he would like to know it all, if only Sirius wanted to tell him. But even if it is something Sirius wants to do, they’ll never get the chance, Sirius is leaving in five days and Remus is staying here.
“I was attacked by a man named Greyback when I was seven.” He tells, feeling the need to confess in turn, and also because he wants Sirius to know, so few people know because Remus decided to tell them. Sirius turns to him, seeming a little bit surprised but mostly interested. Remus takes a deep breath in, “He broke into my house with the idea to kill me. To this day we still don’t know why. My dad came in when he heard me scream and he shot him with his shotgun.”
“I’m sorry.” Sirius says.
Remus shrugs, “I walk funny ever since. I need a cane if I have to do more than two hundred meters and don’t get me started on running. He stabbed me on the hip, among other places, that’s why.”
They fall into silence and Remus eyes Sirius. He staring at the sand, arms on his knees, eyebrows slightly frowned. Remus asks himself how a man can be that beautiful, the kind of beauty that makes you stop breathing, the kind of beauty that makes you itch everywhere. Surely everyone noticed how beautiful Sirius is.
“I’m glad he’s dead.” Sirius says when Remus thought he would not say anything, “Because I would have killed him myself otherwise.”
“Would you now?” Remus tilts his head with a smile.
Sirius hums and nods, “Of course.”
Remus beams, trying not to make it too obvious, and looks up at the clouds above.
“I’m glad you’re not too.” Sirius adds and when Remus turns to him, he’s already looking. “Dead, I mean.”
“Oh.” Remus makes. “I’m glad I’m not dead either.”
Sirius grins and maybe that man has the most charming grin Remus has ever seen. He wants to look at it forever. He wants a picture of it, a drawing, whatever. Because Sirius is leaving in five days and it seems so close now, so inevitable, and it is. There is no avoiding it. Because the war isn’t going to end in the span of these five days.
The silence that follows is charged with the secret of a shared kiss under the dim lights of the bar. It is charged with wandering hands on willing bodies. It is charged with something doomed and forbidden.
It is Sirius who breaks it first.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come to you yesterday.” He says, looking down at his hands. Remus wants to say that it’s okay, but he knows it’s not, so he doesn’t say anything. “I was at the bar.” Sirius confesses and Remus turns to him, confused.
“You were?”
Sirius nods slowly, still not looking at Remus, “I thought– I don’t know. I wasn’t brave enough to come to you but I hoped we’d run somehow into each other or something.”
“Sirius, you know I stay behind the bar.” Remus says.
“I know. I do. I just– I don’t know, Remus, I really don’t know. This is all so confusing. You’re confusing!” He says, now animated and with a frown on his face. Remus realises it’s the first time Sirius has said his name since they kissed, it provokes strange things inside his stomach.
“I’m confusing?” Remus asks, offended.
“Yes! Because I– I–” Sirius looks around, suddenly conscious that they are in a public place. He lowers his voice, “I never used to feel that before you and– and I never thought I could be like that and– and I really like you.” He finishes, blushing.
“You do?” Remus asks, bringing his hand up to his face to cover his own blushing cheeks.
“Yeah.” Sirius breathes out, looking right at him, grey-blue eyes in amber ones. “I really fucking do.”
Remus really wants to kiss him right now. He wants to kiss him really fucking bad. “I really fucking like you too.” He whispers, not breaking eye contact.
Sirius lets out a breathy and shaky laugh and passes a hand on his face and then in his hair. Remus wants to bite the beauty out of him.
“Maybe we should eat some of that chocolate cake I bought.” Sirius says, unfolding the cake and giving a piece to Remus before he can say anything.
They eat in a silence that is now comfortable. Remus looks out at the sea and breathes in rhythm with the crashing of the waves on the shore. It was always his favourite place around here, the one that always felt the most real. It’s the place that links them to the rest of the world, it’s from where they leave to go to other continents. Remus never left this village, probably never will, Greyback stole his chance long ago, but he would have loved to. He would have loved to see those lands he only read about in books, he would have loved to explore those countries he saw in pictures. Remus would have loved to live. Here, he doesn’t really live it feels. It is always the same day over and over again, always the same people over and over again. The same weather, the same smells, the same cats wandering in the streets, the same walk he does with Merlin. He should have brought Merlin. Merlin loves the beach.
He thinks again about what Sirius said about his brother. Remus never had one, he is an only son, he doesn’t imagine what it feels like. He never had anyone that mattered for him that much, someone he felt responsible for, someone he loved of that link that isn’t romantic at all. Well, he never had that kind of world shattering, body eating romantic love neither.
“Fuck, I’m out to go.” Sirius says at some point, looking down at a watch on his arm that doesn’t feel like it belongs here. “We have a meeting in ten. I’m already late.”
Remus nods along, getting up too although a lot less gracefully than Sirius since he has to lean on his cane, “Are you going to be at the bar tonight?”
Sirius pauses, looks at him, and smiles fondly, “Yes. I’m going to be there, and I can even help you clean again.”
Remus laughs and Sirius starts retreating. Before he gets the chance to go too far, a thought crosses Remus’ head, “What was his name?” He asks, almost shouting to be heard.
Sirius looks at him and takes a shaky breath in, “Regulus.” He says back.
And then he’s gone.
***
Remus is not waiting for Sirius and his mates to arrive. He is not. He’s just… waiting. In a different meaning of the word, that is. He takes orders and serves, he cleans the bar, he throws away the ashes lingering in ashtrays on the bar when the group that was smoking on it leaves.
One could say he keeps himself busy while he waits, but he is not waiting.
When they finally arrive (Remus doesn’t sighs in relief), Sirius spots him immediately and smiles at him. He doesn’t come right away, talking with a few guys. Remus doesn’t observe, he does his job, he takes orders and serves, cleans, throws away, he’s not observing what Sirius is doing. Which means he doesn’t see when Sirius rolls his eyes and sighs in exasperation and he doesn’t see Sirius coming over to him.
“Hi.” Sirius sighs again as he sits on a stool.
“You alright?” Remus asks.
“Yeah, yeah.” Sirius moves his hand in the air before bringing it to his pocket and starting to fetch for something. “Curfew has been put earlier.” He sighs, pulling a packet of cigarettes from his pocket, he takes out a fag and places it between his lips, “Too many fights among the soldiers.” He laughs. “I can’t help you clean tonight.”
“Oh.” Remus makes, grabbing an ashtray and a lighter from under the bar and putting it in front of Sirius. “It’s alright. Do you have troubles?”
Sirius looks up at him, the flame of the lighter illuminating his face with a comforting orange glow, “Why would I have troubles?”
“Because you got in one of those fights.” Remus frowns.
“Oh right.” Sirius chuckles, pulling a drag. “No, I’m not in any trouble, thanks for the lighter.”
“No problem. Do you want anything to drink? Aren’t your friends coming over?”
Sirius nods, pulling another drag, “Yeah they’re coming, talking to some guys. I think James is…” Sirius looks up at him with the kind of smile that means more than what it seems, “Staying back for a few minutes.” He finishes and Remus nods. “As for what I want to drink, I think I’ll pass on alcohol for tonight, give me whatever.”
Remus does indeed, give him a drink without alcohol but he has to go take other people’s order and so he cannot talk much more with Sirius before his friends join him.
He observes Sirius a little while he works, and he feels less embarrassed when he notices Sirius doing the same. He observes the way Sirius hair falls on his shoulder, the way Sirius smokes, the way he laughs with his friends. He notices the bruise now formed around his cut from the other night, on his cheekbone. Remus wonders how a man out of everyone in the world can look this good. Remus hasn’t travelled, never will, but he knows few men reach Sirius’ level of beauty. It is maddening.
They don’t talk much throughout the night although Remus goes back to refill Sirius’ and his friends’ drinks a few times, staying a bit to talk. He’s always brought back to life by someone asking for him.
When he notices the time passing, he decides to take his break and calls over one of the girl doing rounds so she takes his place.
“I’m going out for a smoke. Want to join?” He asks Sirius and his friends then, really wanting solely Sirius to come.
“I’ll pass.” James shakes his head. “I don’t smoke.”
“I,” Sirius starts, “won’t pass.” He stands up, then looks back at his friends. “Anyone else coming?”
They all shake their heads and Sirius grins brightly, maybe more than intended, and Remus and him go outside. Remus passes Sirius a fag in silence. The back alley is quite somber but there is still light in it and Remus can see people passing on both sides of it. They smoke a bit, not talking, and Remus finds it comfortable. He could do no talking next to Sirius forever.
Unfortunately, they don’t have forever.
Remus is not stupid, people die at wars, and there is nothing that makes Sirius special enough to be exempt of it. Remus hopes he does, he hopes they all do even if it is stupid. He wants James to survive and Frank to survive and Peter to survive and all those other soldiers, even the shitty ones like Lucius or Mulciber because he doesn’t wish death upon anyone. But Sirius, Sirius he would kill for him to make it out. It is crazy, fully and totally crazy, but Remus does feel insane about this boy smoking next to him. Remus would kill for Sirius to survive this war, even if Sirius decides never to come back here. That’s how crazy Remus feels.
“How is Merlin?” Sirius asks, turning to him with a smile.
Remus realises they never talked about the war, not really. Remus mentioned war effort and Sirius mentioned keeping soldiers’ minds off it, but they never talked about it. About the way it makes them feel, about how Sirius feels about fighting in it. Did he want to enrol before being forced to? Does he plan to fight? To kill? To survive?
Now doesn’t feel like the time, and maybe it’ll never feel like the time. Because, although it hurts a little, Remus is probably a way for Sirius to ‘take his mind off the war’, and Remus is not mad about it. He is quite glad to help.
“Perfectly fine. I should have brought him this afternoon. He loves the beach.”
“I’m sure he does.” Sirius smiles softly, his head against he wall. “And how are you?”
“Currently as perfectly fine as Merlin.” Remus says.
“Oh yeah? Why currently and not the rest of the time?”
“Well, I’m working the rest of the time.” Remus points. Sirius nods. “And I’m currently on a break with a very nice guy.”
“‘Nice.’” Sirius repeats. “That’s all you find to say about me?”
“That’s politically correct.” Remus tilts his head.
“Fuck politically correct.” Sirius rolls his eyes.
“Currently I am on a break with a very sexy and gorgeous and interesting guy.” Remus says, feeling his face going hot, he’s not sure he minds Sirius seeing.
Sirius smiles contently and leans his back against the wall, eyes closed, “I prefer it.” He nods. “Can you say it again?”
“What? That you’re sexy and gorgeous and interesting?” Remus cocks an eyebrow.
“Yeah, that.” Sirius looks at him from the side.
“You’re sexy and gorgeous and so fucking interesting.”
Sirius hums and closes his eyes again before turning his head to look at Remus, “Well, the feeling is mutual.” He nods, a solemn expression on his face, Remus sees him trying not to smile.
Remus feels them getting closer, it’s a pull, it’s magnetic, he can’t help thinking that they are linked somehow, maybe in another universe they meet under other circumstances.
That’s the moment a drunkard chooses to puke a few meters from them. They step back from one another and soon decide to go back inside.
Sirius has to leave no long after.
***
It is the seventh day of Sirius’ regiment in the village and it is raining torrents. Remus watches the water pouring out of the window of his bar. There is no one and nothing to do and he didn’t think to bring a book.
Days are not as busy as nights usually, but there is always a few alcoholics to come and some others taking a coffee or a tea. Today, the bar is dead. Not a soul alive.
He’s alone on days, he doesn’t need the girls’ help to serve, so it is really fucking boring. He goes round and round, looking for something to do, something to clean. He finds nothing.
He almost longs for the big shifts, when he doesn’t have a moment for himself, not even enough to take a break. That’s what it has mostly been for the past week with all those soldiers around.
When Remus is about to fall asleep on his stool, the door opens with a bang and cold wind enters the bar along with a black haired man. Remus smiles.
“It’s fucking freezing!” Sirius says, closing the door. He’s soaked. “I can’t believe it was sunny like three days ago.”
“Did you cross the village?” Remus asks, not able to suppress his smile.
Sirius looks up at him, grinning, “I was just passing. You know, visiting the village under this beautiful weather.”
“You’re crazy.” Remus laughs.
Sirius shrugs, “It’s not my first time hearing it.”
“Let me get you a towel, hm?”
Sirius nods and Remus goes in the back room to look for a towel. He’s sure he stocks a few here, in case he wants to go for a swim during a shift. It rarely happens, but he keeps towels here just in case.
“Here.” He says, handing Sirius one.
“Thanks.” Sirius answers, starting by drying his hair a little, just enough for it to stop dripping. “I honestly didn’t think I’d be that soaked.” He laughs.
“Foolish.” Remus shakes his head fondly.
“I’m a quite foolish person.” Sirius tilts his head. “And I wanted to see you.”
“I think there’s a storm coming, are you sure it was a good idea?”
“Oh, no! We’re going to be stuck here! Just the two of us!” Sirius says with exaggerated sarcasm, handing the towel back to Remus.
“You’re going to be the death of me, Sirius Black.” Remus says, taking a step closer.
They’re about to touch and the mere idea is driving Remus crazy. He’s pretty sure Sirius is just trying to kill him. Just one touch and–
And now Remus is going to be the one committing a murder.
“Hello there!” An old man says as he enters the bar, closing his umbrella. “It’s getting crazy outside.”
“I’m going to kill him, I’m going to kill him.” Sirius mutters under his breath, eyes closed and fists clenched, only for Remus to hear.
“You’re reading my mind sweetheart.” Remus says equally low and he looks up at their intruder as Sirius turns bright red. “Louis, what can I get you?”
“A black coffee, you know how I like it Remus.” Louis says, coming over and passing next to Sirius who is still in the middle of the room to sit at the bar.
“Did you really braved the storm for one of my coffee, Louis? I’m not sure they’re worth it.” Remus says, trying for a light tone but internally insulting every single one of this man’s ancestors. He sees Sirius going to one of the back table and settling, he feels Sirius’ gaze on him, it’s burning.
Louis laughs, throwing his head back and showing yellowed teeth from years of smoking, “I don’t have any left at home, and I felt like I could do some company. Thought you would be alone, who is it?” Louis looks over at Sirius who pretends like he wasn’t throwing daggers at Louis’ back seconds before.
“Sirius Black, he’s a soldier in the military.” Remus says simply, taking advantage of the moment to look at Sirius.
“Black, I knew a Black or two.” Louis narrows his eyes. “Hey, boy!” He calls after Sirius who looks up. “Are you by any mean Alphard’s son?” He asks.
Sirius shakes his head and stands up, making his way to Louis and Remus, “Alphard was my uncle, did you know him?”
Louis nods, “Who are your parents?”
Sirius winces and breathes in, “Orion and Walburga.”
“Oh.” Louis makes, eyes going wide. “Aren’t they–”
“Yes.” Sirius cuts in, throwing a quick look at Remus. “They were. And awful people too. But you surely know that if you had the misfortune to meet them.”
Louis nods again, “I’m sorry kid.”
“They’re dead, you know.” Sirius says, purposefully avoiding Remus’ gaze. “Have been for a while now.”
“I’m sorry.” Remus says before he can think about it.
Sirius turns to him and smiles a small smile, “I’m not.”
They look at each other for a moment, Remus almost forgetting about Louis’ presence. He already fell the other day like Sirius has more layer than it seems, and everything he learns about him seems to confirm it. Oh, how Remus would love to have the time to discover all of the layers, to explore them all. He doesn’t, thought, and Louis’ presence is not helping.
Fuck, they could have been stuck just the two of them during the storm. A truly horrible part of Remus wishes for Louis to have a heart attack, or to faint, or to–
“You’re not asking me what I want to drink?” Sirius asks then, tilting his head to the side with a mischievous smile.
Remus cannot help smiling back, “What do you want to drink?”
“A tea, please. Your favourite.”
“On it.” Remus turns around.
He doesn’t mean to listen to Louis and Sirius talk, but he does.
“How long have you two been friends?” Louis asks, and Remus hears him lighting a fag.
“Since the day my regiment arrived in town. Helped him out of a situation on the first night, didn’t I, Remus?” Sirius says and when Remus turns to look at him, he is grinning what Remus learned to be his signature grin.
“Almost got into a fight for me.” Remus rolls his eyes. “A true knight in shining armour.”
“I like to praise myself of being a defender of the helpless.” Sirius says, looking right at Remus who lets his mouth fall open from bewilderment.
“Did you forget I cared for wound after you, actually, got into a fight?” Remus asks, cocking an eyebrow.
“Oh, I wouldn’t forget.” Sirius grins knowingly and Remus finds himself going hot. He turns around to grab Sirius’ tea and hide his face. “But I got into a fight to defend him too.” Sirius adds next, talking to Louis this time who was just watching the whole exchange, fag almost totally consumed.
“You two seem like you became fast friends.” Louis says, looking at the two men with something strange and maybe a bit knowing in his eyes.
“Yeah.” Sirius says. “You could say that.”
“Fast friends, yeah, exactly.” Remus says almost at the same time.
They lock eyes before turning away, Remus grabbing a towel to pretend like he is cleaning and Sirius hiding in his tea.
“It’s good to have friends.” Louis nods, lighting off his fag and finishing his coffee in one swallow. He stands up and Sirius turns to him at the same time as Remus does. “I’m just going to the loo.” Louis says, then, turning to Remus, “Maybe we could do some music.”
He leaves the room and they stay silent for a while.
“Well.” Sirius ends up saying, taking another sip of his tea. “It wasn’t what I was expecting when I faced the storm.”
“Oh yeah?” Remus smiles, leaning on the bar. “And what exactly were you expecting?”
He sees Sirius glancing down at his lips before looking up again, he shrugs, “Something that involved a bit more of physical contact.” He murmurs, leaning forward like to share a secret.
It makes Remus go hot from head to toe and Sirius smiles, visibly satisfied by the reaction he got out of the other man.
“I mean–yeah– I would have agreed.” He nods, trying to stay composed. He never met a man who affected him that much.
“Good.” Sirius smirks. “It would have been embarrassing otherwise.” He reaches out and puts his hand on Remus. “For me I mean.”
Remus looks down at their hands then back at Sirius eyes, then back at their hands. It feels so right it is almost annoying, and if Remus thinks too much about it, he will get angry for so many reasons.
“Do you have a radio?” Sirius asks, not removing his hand yet.
“A what?” Remus looks up at him.
“A radio. For the music?” Sirius tries to hide an amused smile.
“Oh, the music, right, Louis.” Remus nods then turns around, taking his hand off Sirius’ –much to his disappointment– to grabs the radio. “Here.”
They fidget with it for a few long seconds before Louis comes back.
“No music yet?”
“The radio doesn’t work.” Sirius sighs, leaning back in his tool.
“It’s because of the storm.” Remus notes, feeling the need to defend his radio.
“Don’t you have like a guitar? I’m sure Sirius can play it. Alphard could.” Louis says.
Sirius turns to the old man, opening and closing his mouth in a comical type of way, Remus tries not to laugh.
“Well, I mean, I can play. I’m not sure it is very good, though. Good enough for the military that is.” He says.
“I have a guitar.” Remus says, now wanting Sirius to play more than anything. He goes to grab it and comes back to Sirius and Louis not talking. He hands the guitar to Sirius and their fingers brush, sending shivers down Remus’ spine. “Now you play.” He grins.
Sirius rolls his eyes with a smile and starts tuning the guitar. Remus watches, leaned on the bar, head in his hands. Louis has lighted a cigarette again and is watching Sirius too. When he’s done, Sirius glances up and coughs awkwardly before glancing back down and starting to play.
Sirius is a good player, maybe not the best Remus ever encountered, but there is something emotional about the way he plays, like if every single emotions in his body are brought to his fingertips and allowed to escape through notes. He hums along and Remus looks up at his face, finding it impossible to look away now. Sirius is looking down at the guitar and it almost seems like his eyes are closed, eyelashes softly brushing again his cheeks when he blinks. There’s something almost fond about the expression on his face and if it weren’t for the bruise and cut on his cheekbone, he could almost pass for the painting of an angel.
For a moment, the time of the song, Remus lets himself dream. Dream of a world without a war. Dream of a world in which Sirius lives here and they can be together. Dream of a world in which they can hold hand in the streets and kiss goodbye over the bar. Maybe in another universe they weren’t doomed from the start. Maybe in another universe they have a happy ending.
Too bad it’ll never be this one.
“Well,” Louis says when Sirius finishes the song. “Can’t say you cannot play, son.”
It earns him a smile from Sirius and a part of Remus melts inside.
Sirius turns to him, smile not flattering, “What did you think?” He asks Remus, something full of hope in his voice.
“I think you were great.” Remus says, because he cannot say much more with Louis around, and Sirius beams, face bright and it makes Remus remember he is named after a star. How presumptuous. How fitting.
In the end, Sirius has to cross the storm again or he’ll be in trouble for staying out after curfew. His superiors apparently won’t care about the fact that there’s a literal tempest outside.
Late in the evening, the storm calms and Louis and Remus can go back home too.
Alone in his bed, Remus thinks about passing time and missed opportunities.
***
If someone told Remus from eight and a half days ago that he would be devastated by the soon departure of the soldiers, he would have laughed in their face and tell them to fuck off.
Remus is not laughing now.
Sirius’ regiment leaves the day after tomorrow in the morning and Remus feels too much, and he feels like he shouldn’t be feeling that much.
He’s known Sirius for eight days, only eight fucking days. How can one life feel so different in the span of eight days? How come he feels so much about something so short?
Remus feels and he feels so much that it is eating him alive but he doesn’t even know what he is feeling. He doesn’t know. His insides are tightening, folding on themselves, and Remus doesn’t know from what it is. His mind is full of sensations, full of electricity; it is a smoke in a back alley and a kiss against a bar and a song on a guitar. It is blood on a cheekbone and the hint of tongue and a picnic on the beach. It is confessions about the past and a ponytail and playing with Merlin. It is a dead brother and a dead attacker. It is too much, too much for Remus to bear.
And what can he do?
Because what he has is too much but it doesn’t feel like enough and in a day and a half it won’t matter because Sirius will leave and there’s nothing Remus can do about it.
He wants more. He wants more of talks on the beach, he wants more of playing guitar, he wants more of smoking behind the bar, he wants more discreet smiles, he wants more of kissing. He wants Sirius’ mouth against his own and Sirius’ hands in his hair. He wants more, he wants everything.
The thing is, Remus will not get anything. He will not get anything at all.
***
On the last day before they leave, the soldiers are at the bar, which isn’t different from the past ten days. Sirius doesn’t leave the counter, barely acknowledges his friends. He talks with Remus when Remus can and stares at him when he is busy. He doesn’t get wasted but he chain smokes.
Around them every other soldier are plastered, conscious of the fact that they are leaving early in the morning and being sent to death.
Remus and Sirius don’t go smoking in the back alley, they smoke here and they talk and they laugh, as if everything isn’t going to end , as if Remus’ world will not be shaken once more.
They say goodbye when the time comes and Sirius brushes his fingers against Remus’, and he doesn’t look away until he has to, and the last words they say to each other are simples “good night”.
It is funny, in a way, that the last words they say to each other on this last day are the same they said to each other after their first kiss.
***
On the day the soldiers leave, Remus is awakened before dawn by someone knocking on his door. Behind the door stands Sirius Black, hair not yet pulled back but gently resting on his shoulders, piercing grey-blue eyes, so, so beautiful.
“Hi.” He says, and it is sad, oh, so sad.
“Hi.” Remus answers, just as sad, because he isn’t able to convey any other emotion.
To be honest, he didn’t think he’d get to talk to Sirius again. He was going to show up at the leaving sort of parade, just to get a chance to lay eyes on him one last time, but he didn’t think they could ever talk again.
“Can I come in?” Sirius asks.
“Yes, of course.” Remus breathes out, opening the door wider.
He closes it behind Sirius and they stare at each other for ten seconds before Sirius is in Remus’ arms. It is the first time they hug and it feels so right, like they were just meant to be like this, and something pangs at Remus’ heart because it could have been great, it could have been exceptional.
Somehow, they end up cuddling in Remus’ bed, Sirius’ head laying on his chest, one of Remus’s hand playing lazily with Sirius’ hair, the other entwined with the other man’s hand. Remus’ heart is in his throat.
When he tries to stand up, Sirius pushes him back down gently with his free hand, “I just want to pretend for a little while longer. Please.”
And how could Remus deny him this when it is all he wants too? He wraps his arms around Sirius and tries not to cry. It feels silly, because what do they know of each other?
It feels like so much. It feels like more than what he ever knew of anyone. It feels like they’ve known each other forever, and maybe they did in a previous life.
When it starts to feel like they should get back to life, they stand up and Remus proposes to make them tea. Sirius accepts and they go to the kitchen. The sun is rising and Sirius watches it while Remus boils some water.
They don’t drink any of it.
Time passes and they don’t talk, they simply exist together, moving closer with every second until Sirius is standing in front of Remus who is on a stool, one Remus’ hand is on the other man’s waist and one Sirius’ hand is on Remus’ knees while their free hand find their way back to each other. Sirius’ hand is cold between his fingers, it never seems to warm up. It is grounding in a way.
They look into each other’s eyes and after a time, Sirius smiles a sad smile.
“I think I could have loved you, Remus Lupin.” He murmurs, a hand moving up to Remus’ cheeks, cold too, distinctly Sirius.
Remus nods in agreement as tears spill from his eyes because he doesn’t control anything anymore. Would it be too much to say that he thinks he already loves him? Would it be too much to feel like he could never stop to? Would it be too much if Remus asked him to stay? If he asked him to run away together?
Sirius strokes his cheek gently, whipping off the tears, with a soft and sad smile, he’s crying too, and Remus doesn’t like it. Such pretty eyes shouldn’t be red and swollen from crying.
“Goodbye, Remus.” He says before bringing their lips together.
It is gentle, like a caress, wet from their tears. It barely deepens but Remus feels the weight of feeling in this kiss. Their lips dance together and Sirius keeps his palm firmly on Remus’ cheek while never letting go of his hand.
It is a ‘goodbye’. It is a ‘I hope to see you later’. It is a ‘I know I probably won’t’.
They break apart for air and rest their foreheads together. Remus breathes and the sent is Sirius. He wants to memorise it, he wants to bottle it.
“Goodbye, Sirius Black, I think I could have loved you too.” He whispers and Sirius nods frantically, tears spilling, before he steps back and Remus is left with an empty hand and a naked cheek.
The absence of cold burns and Remus doesn’t want to burn, he want to freeze under the hands of Sirius Black.
Without another word, just like he came, Sirius Black leaves. He closes the door behind him and Remus stares at it. He stares at it and he cannot breath. He stares at it and he is burning.
Sirius closes the door and he will never open it again.
***
Remus goes to the goodbye parade but he stays far away enough that he isn’t among the rest of the village. Everyone came to say goodbye to those who helped them for the past ten days and who will fight for them to keep living in peace. Remus doesn’t care for anyone but Sirius.
He finally spots him in one of the last trucks, his hair is pulled back in a way he certainly doesn’t like and it brings tears to Remus’ eyes.
When he thinks Sirius won’t see him, he looks up and their gaze meet. From the distance, Remus can see Sirius’ breath catch in his throat and Remus starts to cry.
They don’t look away until they inevitably have to.
***
As time passes and the war continues, Remus starts to slowly forget what Sirius looks like. With time, he forgets the exact sound of his voice, his smell, the length of the hair that Sirius cared so much for.
But Remus never forgets the way Sirius made him feel, the love burning inside of him for the other boy that never got to be consumed, he never forgets the feeling of his cold hands on his skin or the one of their lips against each other.
The war ends and a sort of hope blooms inside of Remus, the hope that maybe Sirius is alive, the hope that maybe he will come back here, to Remus.
But Remus is never to see Sirius Black again.