Dreaming Love

I had no idea how it happened, but somehow, over the course of 2 semesters, I became best friends with Jhoanna’s entire squad—Aiah, Colet, Sheena, Gwen, Maloi, and Mikha. They were chaotic and hilarious, always teasing me about my feelings for Jhoanna. And yes, they knew. Of course they knew. Aiah and Colet had dragged the confession out of me months ago at the Tambayan, and since then, it had become their favorite topic of conversation.

The problem? Jhoanna didn’t know. Not even a little. The girls all joined in on the so called plan. Trying to set up a group get together with me and Jhoanna present. Somehow, most of the times, palaging may valid reason si Jhoanna para hindi makasama. Sa tuwing sasama naman siya, ako naman yung wala. On rare times, she and I will be with the group. Though payag ako sa plano ng girls na tulungan ako, nakiusap ako sa kanila na wag ipahalata. Wag magsabi ng kahit ano at wag ako tuksuhin sa harap ni Jhoanna. I am a mess na nga na nakatingin lang sa malayo. And to make matters worse, I couldn’t seem to be in the same room with her without completely losing my ability to function.

“Stace,” ate Aiah said one afternoon as we all lounged at the Tambayan, “you’ve got to stop running away every time Jhoanna shows up. It’s getting embarrassing.”

“I don’t run away!” I protested, though my face was already heating up. Alam ko naman.

“You literally sprinted out of the library last week when she walked in,” ate Colet pointed out with a smirk. Bat pa pinapaalala?

“That wasn’t running,” I muttered, crossing my arms. “That was… brisk walking.” may pa brisk walking pang nalalaman.

“Right,” Sheena said with a laugh. “And the time at the canteen? When you dropped your tray and bolted?” Sheena namannn.

"That was an accident!” I insisted, though even I didn’t believe it.

“Face it,” Gwen said with a grin. “You’re a walking gay panic.”

I groaned and buried my face in my hands as the group burst into laughter. This is my life now—being relentlessly teased by Jhoanna’s friends, now my friends while simultaneously being too much of a mess to actually talk to her.

To make things even more complicated, Jhoanna had started noticing that I was close with her friends. She’d comment on it sometimes—casually mentioning that she saw me hanging out with Aiah or Colet—but we never really spoke beyond polite greetings. And every time we were accidentally in the same space—at the library, at events on campus—I’d panic and avoid her gaze like my life depended on it. Ganito na pala ako ka down bad?

Apparently, this hadn’t gone unnoticed.

One afternoon, as we were all lounging at ate Maloi’s place, ate Aiah dropped a bombshell on me.

“By the way,” she said casually, “I think Jhoanna thinks you hate her.”
I nearly choked on my drink. “What?!”

“She thinks you hate her,” Colet confirmed with a shrug. “You avoid her every time she’s around.”

“She noticed?” I asked in horror.

“Of course she noticed,” Sheena said gently. “You’re not exactly subtle.”

“But I don’t hate her!” I exclaimed, my heart pounding. “I—I like her! Way too much!”

“We know that,” Mikha said patiently. “But Jhoanna doesn’t.”

“And honestly?” Maloi added with a grin. “It’s kind of hilarious watching you gay panic every time she walks into a room.”
“This isn’t funny!” I snapped, though my face was burning so much that it probably was.

“Well,” Aiah said with a smirk, “then it’s time for us to fix this mess.”

“What do you mean?” I asked warily.

“We’re going to help you,” Colet declared confidently.

“Help me what?” I asked weakly.

“Help you stop panicking long enough to actually talk to Jhoanna,” Sheena explained with a wink.

“And maybe,” Gwen added slyly, “help you confess your feelings while we’re at it.”

I groaned and buried myself in the couch cushions. This was either going to be the best thing that ever happened—or an absolute disaster.

My birthday was coming up, and the girls—Aiah, Colet, Sheena, Gwen, Maloi, and Mikha—were determined to make it memorable. Not just for me, but for their master plan. They had been scheming for weeks to get me closer to Jhoanna, and apparently, my birthday was the perfect excuse. Pag pupunta talaga siya, wish come true ko na!

“Okay, Stacey,” ate Aiah said one afternoon, leaning back in her chair with a smug grin. “You’re going to personally invite Jhoanna to your party.”

I nearly dropped my drink. “What? Me? No way.” Bakit ako?

“Yes way,” Sheena said firmly. “Birthday mo yun. Alangan naman kami yung mang invite?”

“But I—” I started to protest, but they all gave me that look—the one that said they weren’t going to take no for an answer. Ano pa nga bang magagawa ko? Lord tabang nalang talaga.

The next day, I spotted Jhoanna at the gym. She was just finishing up PE class, her hair damp with sweat and her cheeks flushed in a way that made my heart do somersaults. She looked so effortlessly beautiful that I almost forgot how to breathe.

Okay, I told myself, practicing what I had to say in my mind. Just go over there and ask her. 'Jhoanna you can go sa Birthday ko this Friday.'¹⁰

I took a deep breath and started walking toward her. But then she turned around, smiling at someone nearby as she wiped her face with a towel. The sunlight streaming through the gym windows caught her just right, making her look like some kind of goddess.

And that’s when it happened: full-blown gay panic.

My heart raced so fast I thought it might explode. My palms got sweaty, my knees felt weak, and before I knew it—I ran. Like a total coward. Tangina bat ang ganda?

Later that afternoon, ate Aiah cornered me at the Tambayan.

“You didn’t do it, did you?” she asked knowingly.

“I tried!” I said defensively. “But she was all… sweaty and pretty, and I couldn’t handle it!”

Ate Colet groaned dramatically. “You’re hopeless.”

“Don’t worry,” ate Aiah said with a smirk. “We’ll take care of it.”

And they did. Somehow, they convinced Jhoanna to come to my party—and when they told me she’d accepted the invite, I nearly fainted. Wish come true nga!

On the day of my birthday, I woke up feeling like I was on top of the world. Jhoanna was coming to my party. It felt surreal—like maybe this was finally my chance to talk to her without turning into a complete mess. Baka sakali mapansin niya na ako? At makausap ko na siya ng mas matagal kaysa sa casual greetings?

The plan was simple: dinner with all my friends followed by a night out at a club. But since everything was happening later in the evening, I decided to take a nap beforehand.

That’s when it happened—the dream.

In the dream, Jhoanna and I were married. We lived in this cozy little apartment filled with books and plants. And we....

We kissed!!!! OMFG we kissed! Sana all sa ako sa panaginip. Nakakainggit, nakakaselos, nakakaiyakkk.

It felt so real—so warm and perfect—that when I woke up at 6:00 p.m., my chest physically ached.

For a moment, I just lay there staring at the ceiling, trying to catch my breath. My heart was racing—not from panic this time but from something deeper. Something stronger.

“It was just a dream,” I whispered to myself. “Just a stupid dream.” Tama. Yan dapat ang paniwalaan ko. But damn we kissed!

But it didn’t feel stupid. It felt… real. And that scared me because it made me realize something I’d been trying to deny for months: this wasn’t just some silly crush anymore. My feelings for Jhoanna had grown into something so much bigger than I ever expected.

I missed the Jhoanna from that dream—the one who looked at me like I was her whole world. And yet…here in reality, she probably didn’t even notice me.

Still, as I got ready for the party that evening, I couldn’t help but smile. Dream or not, it had given me a glimpse of what being with Jhoanna might be like. And even if nothing ever came of it, I was grateful for that tiny piece of happiness. Birthday gift mo ba yun Lord? Thank you!

“Alright,” I said to myself as I adjusted my outfit in the mirror. “Time to face reality.”

My heart still raced when I thought about seeing her tonight after dreaming about being married to her and then kissing her. But this time, it wasn’t just panic or fear. It was hope too.

I arrived almost late at my own birthday dinner. Andito na halos lahat ng girls maliban kay ate Colet at Jhoanna. Shit kaya ko ba makita siya pagkatapos ng panaginip na yun? But miss ko na siya. The door opened and I can feel my palms getting sweaty. Siya na ba yan? Ba't ba ako naka smile? Wag ka pahalata! I immediately looked away as soon as our gaze landed on each other. Tangina ang ganda! Kiss kita dyan eh. Stacey ano ba!

She walked towards our table and hugged the girls one by one. Kasali ba ako? Sana ma choose. Nang ma hug na niya lahat ng girls, naglapat ulit ang paningin namin. Kasali ba ako? Dumb Stacey. Pano ka masasali kung iiwas ka agad ng tingin? She then settled on one of the chairs.

When ate Colet arrived, we then ate dinner after singing happy birthday. Pinagwish pa nga nila ako pero di ko na ginawa kasi nga, wish come true na diba? May bonus pa nga eh!

Later that evening, wala na akong choice kung hindi ang sumakay sa kotse ni Jhoanna. Walang choice? Eme lang. Gusto ko lang talaga siya makasama hehe. It must be the dream, making me suddenly bold now despite the panic I'm still feeling inside.

I tried so hard to act cool when she opened the car door for me. Pakakasalan po. And that's when I saw it. Sitting on the passenger seat is a pink paper bag with a happy birthday design. I know it's bad na maging assumera pero who else is this for?

I swear parang dumugo na yung labi ko kakakagat para lang mapigilan yung ngiti ng malaman kung para sa akin talaga. The ride to the club would be more or less 30 minutes. Shit 30 minutes with her! With just me and her! It was so silent. Gusto ko na lang maging hotdog. Sobrang awkward at kunti nalang mahihimatay na ako sa halo halong emotions na nararamdaman ko.

"Do you hate me?" Huh?
"Huh?"
"I asked if you hated me. Do you?" Love hindi po? Stacey ikalma mo!
"Why would I?" wow I'm amazed at how much I can control my outer self.
"Parang umiiwas ka kasi sa akin." Eh kasi ang ganda mo! Hindi na nga ako makahinga pag tinitignan mo ako, pano pa pag kakausapin mo na ako?
"You're imagining things Robles." sana maging Sevilleja ka hahaha.

Medyo lasing na rin ako. I mean lasing na ata? Dinadaldal ko na lang si ate Colet para hindi ko matitigan si Jhoanna when Jhoanna suddenly stood up and left to go to the dance floor. Oh? I watched as people gather around her. Greeting her and then smiling at her. Kilala ata siya ng lahat na andyan eh.

"Titig na titig parin eh" I slapped ate Colet's arms which earned a laugh from her. Wait asan na si Jhoanna?

"Teka lang ate Colet" sabi ko at tumayo para masundan si Jhoanna.

"Bakit?" Oo nga bakit nga ba.

"Basta, I'll be back."
"Staku you're drunk na-" ate Colet didn't finish her sentence ng umalis na ako. San ka?

I searched for her sa dance floor pero mukhang wala na ata siya dito. The dancing lights and the hot atmosphere is making me more drunk pero kailangan ko siya makita. Bakit? Di ko din alam. At anong gagawin ko kung makita ko nga siya? For sure hindi ko rin naman kayang kausapin siya.

Nahihilo na talaga ako kaya lumabas ako para magpahangin. But then I saw her. She looks too cute smiling at the night sky. Sa stars ba siya nakatingin? Hi I'm Stacey, I'm a star! Eme lasing ka na nga Stacey!

"So weird Robles, smiling like that."
"Uuwi ka na ba? Di ka man lang magpapaalam sa birthday girl?" Ang tapang ko ngayon huhu. She laughed at me!
"Don't laugh, I'm serious. Are you going home Robles? Ni hindi mo nga ako ginreet ng happy birthday?"
"I'm sorry. Happy birthday Sevellija."

Gaga self gising! Jhoanna just pat your head omg. I can't help but to feel the warmth from her touch and so I smiled.

And then I felt her hugging me. Huh? Panaginip to no? I opened my eyes wide. Shit ang bango. And then she let go. Ay bakit naman?

"So uuwi ka na nga?" I'm so drunk I can't even control my pout. I smiled and walked back to the club when she shookt her head.

Wala na akong masyadong maalala kung ano pang mga ginawa ko kinabukasan. I woke up in my bed, dressed in comfortable pajamas and a medicine at the side table. I blinked. It was fuzzy but I think si Jhoanna ang naghatid sa akin?

'Love'

OMG! Ba't ko siya tinawag na love? What if she thinks I'm weird? What the fuck did I just did? I'll just forget it. Di ko ata kaya isipin, nakakahiya.

Days after, I was hanging at the Tambayan waiting for my next class when ate Colet called and approached the table I'm sitting in. With Jhoanna. Wtf? Ate Colet wala man lang warning?

We locked gaze and I immediately looked away. Argh! Then I saw her tumbler. Blue. But with the same heart stickers and customized name. What? Huhu nakakadelulu tangina.

The table was then joined by ate Aiah and Sheena who almost immediately teased Jhoanna about the matching water bottles. I swear to God pag ako ang inasar nila, iiyak talaga ako.

I don't know where I got the courage. "Crush niya kasi ako" Wtf? Wag niyo akong tingnan ng ganyan ate Aiah! Hindi ko din alam anong ginagawa ko.

I don't know what has gotten into me. But ever since that day, I decided to be more forward. Kahit nagpapanic padin, kakayanin para sa future!

Jhoanna looks so surprised to see me in the same class. That's right ganyan na ba ako ka irrelevant na hindi mo man lang alam na classmate mo ako sa isang subject? But anyways, patatawarin kita kasi cute ka. And tour buddy? Wtf thank you so much Lord! Kakayanin ko pong mag gay panic ng tatlong araw, makasama ko lang siya.

Came Friday night at nanaginip ulit ako. Ano ba to? Bakit naman pinapamiss ako masyado? Kitang sobrang down bad na ng tao, dadagdagan niyo pa? Awa naman po huhu. Dahil lugmok ako, I decided to join ate Maloi and the girls sa night out. What I didn't expect was to see Jhoanna. Ba't naman andito to? Pano kung ikiss ko to dito? Eme.

She is seated beside ate Aiah. Ate Aiah, distansya o ambulansiya? Ba't naman sobrang dikit. Jhoanna you cheater! Your wife is literally in front of you?! Ay oa. Kidding aside, there really is an aching I can feel in my heart. Alam ko naman na hindi niya ako napapansin.

The night went on at sobrang lasing na ni ate Aiah. Pati rin ata si Jhoanna? She started kissing the girls. Kissing monster? Kasali ba ako? Tapos na niya halikan lahat ng girls at hinarap niya ako. My breath hitched and my heart raced. Shit kasali ba ako? Sana ma choose? And then bang, she tripped and then she's sleeping on my arms. Hayst next time ako nalang ang ki kiss sayo. The girls insisted that I should bring Jhoanna hone kasi di naman daw ako nakainom. I was left no choice when they all left at hindi man lang binigay kung saan nakatira si Jhoanna. I decided to bring her home. Jhoanna welcome sa bahay mo pag naging tayo. Haha.

"Love" I absentmindedly called. Di naman ako nakainom ah? Buti nalang tulog siya at tumawag si mama. After the call ended, I went back outside to get medicine and water para may mainom siya pag gising niya.

"Love" she mumbled. Huh? She must be sleep talking. She is. But my heart raced upon hearing her say the endearment she's been calling me on my dream! No Stacey, nananaginip lang yung tao!

Kinabukasan, I decided to tease her with it. I'm getting a reaction! Kahit pa parang nahihiya lang siya, still a blush is a blush. Just you wait Jhoanna Robles. I'll make you notice me. And you shall fall, hard and be as down bad as I am.

Hindi ko alam kung iniiwasan ba ako ni Jhoanna pero hindi ko na yun inisip. All I know is that I have this new found determination to pursue her. Kahit sobrang bading ko sa kanya at nagpapanic parin ako, gusto kong may mangyari. I wanted to be something with her. More than a friend of a friend. Something like love, between us. And so I moved. Kahit nakakatakot. Kahit kabado. Si Jhoanna na yan eh.

To: Jhoanna Love
Good morning love 💕
Still ignoring me love?

I stared at my phone, rereading my messages to her. I look pathetic. Sobrang wala na ba talaga siyang time para maka reply? Or baka ayaw niya lang talaga sa akin? I ignored the clenching ache of my heart. No Stacey, kayanin mo to. Nagsisimula ka pa lang. That's what's on my mind as I keep on texting her.

One afternoon, I approached the table where the girls are. They are teasing Jhoanna and my name was brought up. Even with a shaky hands from nervousness, I tried to gather all the courage I had to but in. "Crush na crush mo talaga ako love." Her lips parted from shock and cheeks are pink. Go Stacey, you got a reaction!
The girls then proceeded to tease Jhoanna more. Sige ituloy niyo lang hehe.

"Pinagsasabi mo na naman Sevilleja? Alam kong crush na crush mo ako pero di mo naman sinabing love mo na pala ako ngayon?" My cheeks burned as I struggle to catch my breath. Shit totoo naman.

Ate Aiah strike 2 ka na. Gusto mo ba akong mamatay sa selos? Ba't ba dikit ka ng dikit sa Love ko? Isa ka pa ate Colet! Jhoanna napaka babaero mo you cheater! Why would you hug them like that?

"Jho bat kasi ayaw mo magjowa, eh ang daming naghahabol sayo?" ate Colet asked casually. I also want to know pero parang hindi. Ayusin mo yung sagot mo.

'Hindi nga kasi ako interested" we can change that!

"Yiiieee loyal lang yan sa crush niya" Sheena teased. What crush? Bakit ngayon ko lang to nalaman?

"Ay may love ka na nga pala" si ate Colet.

And then they all looked at me. Huh? Me? Ay wtf oo nga pala. I smirked, ready to tease Jhoanna about her having a crush on me kahit na sobrang baliktad.

"I don't do crushes, I'm not interested" at dun ako nasaktan. Parang kagat ng shark.

Ate Aiah is back at hugging Jhoanna again. Aray ko naman. Ate Aiah when I catch you talaga! I can't take this anymore!

"Come with me" at sumama naman siya. Wala naman sana akong balak na kausapin siya about the tour.

"Pwede naman itext na lang di ba?" She asked in a small voice.

I felt a pang of ache when I remembered my messages left only read and unreplied.
"Pwede naman sana, kung nagrereply ka lang"

"Oh, sorry. Busy lang" gets ko naman. I'm not a priority.

"It's fine. Just respond next time."

The night after that, I really did messaged her about the tour. Pero dahil nasaktan parin ako, I tried to keep my messages formal. Wala munang love ngayon Jhoanna. Mag rerecover lang tas babawi ulit.

Jhoanna Love
Thank you.
Good night, love.

Jusko po! Eme lang pala yung magrerecover.I buried my face on my pillow, shrieking and kicking my feet. Tangina binabaliw mo ako Jhoanna Robles.

To: Jhoanna Love
Good night, love💕

That's where it all started. Jhoanna started to flirt back. She replies to most of my chats. With love 💕. Tangina! Am I happy? Super! Do I want this to continue? Super! This is Jhoanna after all. Everytime she replies, parang mapupunit na yung labi ko kakangiti. I was like in a dream that I had to slap myself in the mirror every now and then just to make sure that this was in fact real. It is happening. Sobrang forward ko nga na excited na akong makita siya sa Monday dahil gusto ko na i confeont siya or kahit mag subtle confession man lang ako sa kanya. That was the plan. Until I had the third dream. What the fuck yung panaginip na yun!

Literal ba naman na fuck? OMG huhu paano na talaga ako nito? Paano ko pa haharapin si Jhoanna? I can't even think of her and not think about that damned dream! Bakit naman kasi ganon? Well gusto ko rin naman gawin namin yon pero not now! Stacey yung utak linisin mo please!

Monday class came and I can't really look at Jhoanna. I just can't! Naiisip ko yung panaginip. I swear to God hindi siya nawawala. Lord tabang sobrang hindi ko na kaya.

Just like that, a few days passed at pinatawag na kami para sa last meeting before the tour. Medyo hindi ko na naiisip yung hiling panaginip so I think medyo kaya ko na din harapin si Jhoanna. Siguro?

Before I could even enter the room, a guy approached me. Holding out a flower with a shy smile.

"Stacey gusto ko lang sabihin na ingat kayo sa tour bukas" he said and hands me the flower. I don't even know him. Pero dahil maraming nakatingin ay nginitian ko nalang siya at tinanggap ang flowers. Hindi naman ako masamang tao para ipahiya siya at hindi tanggapin ang bulaklak.

Patapos na ang meeting at nag instruct si miss MICE na magtabi ang buddy para makapag usap about sa tour. Jhoanna took a seat beside me.

Jhoanna Love
You can put the flowers on my table.

My cheeks burned as I read her notification. She must have noticed me struggling for space to write.

To: Jhoanna Love
Okay
Thanks love 💕

She choked on her water. Haha. That's a reaction. You did well self!

To: Jhoanna Love
Ganyan ka pala kiligin love ah?

Ang tapang mo Stacey huhu. Magiging proud sayo sina ate Aiah.

Jhoanna Love
Ikaw na yan love eh💕

Tangina?! Wtf? Hindi ako prepared huyyy! I glanced at her at nagtama ang paningin namin. Hindi ko na kaya to! I need to scream yung external kasi baka mamatay lang ako pag nag scream internally!

When I came back sa room, si Sheena at si ate Aiah na lang ang naabutan ko.

"San si Jhoanna?" I asked and they immediately looked at me teasingly. I rolled my eyes and smiled at them.

"Mag iimpake pa daw" tawa ni ate Aiah.

"So? Ano na progress Stacks?" tanong ni Sheena.

"I'm working on it." I said and gathered my belongings.

"Saan galing yung flowers?" ate Aiah raised a brow.

"Di ko kilala eh" I shrugged.

"Ano pala plano mo? Mag coconfess ka na ba?" Sheena parang ang forward mo masyado.

"Di pa oi. Di ko pa kaya Shee." I laughed.
"Pero lalandiin ko naman sa tour" and we all laughed.

Just you wait Jhoanna Robles. I'll make you fall in love with me in three days. At ikaw ang mag co confess kasi di ko na kaya. Ako na nga yung nag first move oh? Di ka ba naawa sa akin?

Buti pa yung ako sa panaginip sobrang panalo. Kailan kaya tayo magiging ganon? I meant married ah, hindi yung 3rd dream. I'm curious though. Sure I'm happy about my dreams. Nakikita ko ang possibilities if ever maging kami ni Jhoanna. Pero bakit pinapakita?

Stacey it must be because you are too down bad that even the God knows you want to see Jhoanna in your dreams. Or maybe it was a manifestation of how badly my consciousness wants Jhoanna Robles that it even wants her in my unconscious state. Or maybe this could be a sign to pursue her. And maybe it was just a coincidence. So many maybe. But one thing is for sure.

I am dreaming about love. And my love is Jhoanna Robles.