Dreaming Love

We are on our way to the wine tasting seminar. Spending an evening learning about wine seemed like a fun escape, but nothing could have prepared me for the moment Stacey stepped out of the bathroom wearing that black dress.

It was simple yet elegant, hugging her figure in all the right places, with a neckline that revealed just enough to make my breath hitch. Her hair fell in soft waves over her shoulders, and when she smiled at me, I felt like the ground shifted beneath my feet. “How do I look, love?” she asked casually, spinning once for effect. Tangina nambabaliw naman to!

"You look…” I started, but the words got caught in my throat. Beautiful? Stunning? Perfect? None of them seemed enough. “…okay” I finished lamely, my voice betraying the whirlwind inside me. Crush na crush po kita Stacey Sevilleja. 10/10 would marry!

She raised her brow, clearly unpleased with my reaction—or maybe just oblivious to how much it had affected me. “Okay lang talaga ah?” she teased and I rolled my eyes at her.

"Let's just go." I said at naunang lumabas sa room namin.

The seminar was held at an upscale venue with soft lighting and rows of elegantly set tables. Each place was adorned with an array of wine glasses and small plates of cheese and charcuterie for pairing. The seminar began and we had to taste different wines.
It was fascinating, but I found it hard to focus on anything other than Stacey. Bading mo naman Jho.

She was fully immersed in the experience, swirling her glass delicately and holding it up to the light before taking a sip. Her lips curved into a thoughtful smile as she analyzed each wine’s flavor profile with surprising enthusiasm. “This one’s so crisp and citrusy,” she said, leaning toward me to share her thoughts on the wine. Her voice was soft and melodic, and I nodded along even though I hadn’t really tasted anything beyond the bitterness of my own restraint.

"Ang tahimik mo ata ngayon love?" she asked.
"Tahimik naman talaga ako palagi." That's right hindi ako tahimik ngayon dahil ang ganda mo at hindi din dahil crush na crush kita at pinipigilan kong dumaldal at baka masabi ko pa ng wala sa oras. Sadyang tahimik lang talaga ako palagi.

She smirked and then sipped on the last red wine served for us to taste this evening. "Talaga lang ah?" sarcastic naman neto.

"Talaga"

"You know, para tayong na sa date right?" she said as she looked around the place, possibly observing the ambience.

What?
My face burned and my lips parted at the realization. Buti nalang at medyo madilim ang paligid.

She glanced at me and I immediately changed my expression into an offended one.

"Talaga lang ah?"
"What? I'm just saying. The ambience and all, parang date lang." She said and smiled, gentle kind of smile. Ang ganda talaga.

"This is cheap. I can take you out on a nicer place than this." I said and leaned on my chair. Ay. What did I just said?

I slowly turned my head towards her and then her smirk instantly let me know that I messed up. Jho ano bang pinagsasabi mo?

"I meant if magkakadate man ako, I'm not saying na tayo ang magde date." Argh for sure I look dumb desperately trying to clear up a slip up.

"Hmm..... It's fine alam ko naman." She laughed and then she looked away mumbling something I couldn't quite catch. Salamat at gumana?

That slip up was a reminder of what I am feeling for Sevilleja. I have a crush on her and I almost gave a subtle confession. And just like that, the moment passed as if it had never happened. She hadn’t caught on—or maybe she had and chose not to acknowledge it—but either way, I felt both relieved and disappointed. Alam ko din naman na.

The night has been beautiful especially Stacey. Yet as beautiful as the evening had been, it left me feeling more uncertain than ever about where we stood—or where we could ever stand—because no matter how close we seemed in moments like these, the playful banter and flirty exchange, there was always an invisible line between us that I didn’t know how to cross. Do I even want to cross? I've never experienced this before. And I think, okay na sa akin yung ganito. Alam ko naman na hindi mapapasa akin so bakit ko pa ipipilit? I can just watch here while I'm near, and after the tour, I'll just figure out how to move on. Or how to watch from the distance if ever crush ko pa rin siya at bumalik na kami sa dati where we are just mere acquaintances.

The rest of the night, I was quiet trying to think about my feelings and how to deal with it. I should start my moving on phase now right? Si oa ko naman. Simpleng crush pero ganito na?

Stacey was quiet too. She must have been tired. Even though nakakabingi ang katahimikan, mas okay na din to kaysa mag usap kami at tawagin niya ulit akong love.

As I lay down to sleep, I tried so hard mot to think about anything so I could sleep early. So tomorrow would come faster. Kasi baka bukas wala na to. Baka bukas hindi ko na iisipin kung bakit siya laging nauuna pabirong mag flirt. Jhoanna you're thinking again. Matulog ka na lang.

My back is facing Stacey's bed. I can't afford to look at her, baka tabihan ko pa haha.

"Good night love." It was quiet. She said it in almost a whisper. But it was quiet and so I heard it. I smiled. Baka pwedeng after tour nalang ako mag move on? Let's do that. For now let's just enjoy this habang pwede pa. Ipagpatuloy mo lang Stacey. Ako na ang bahalang mag move on after!

The salty breeze greeted us as Stacey and I stepped into Cebu Ocean Park. Stacey’s eyes sparkled with excitement, her camera already in hand, ready to capture every moment. I couldn’t help but smile. This was going to be a day to remember.

Our first stop was the iconic underwater tunnel. As we walked through, it felt like we were strolling beneath the ocean itself. Schools of vibrant fish darted around us, and majestic stingrays glided gracefully overhead. Stacey squealed when a shark swam close to the glass above us.

“Love, look kamukha mo!” she exclaimed as she pointed at the smiley sting ray.

"The fuck? Eto oh kamukha mo." I said at tinuro isang malaking isda. It looks grumpy like her lol.

Sinamaan niya ako ng tingin at naunang maglakad. Siya nauna tas siya rin mapipikon. Hayst. I laughed while trying to catch up with her.

Next, we ventured into the Jungle Trek. Stacey was particularly fascinated by the sugar gliders hopping between branches and the colorful dart frogs in their tiny enclosures. I, however, found myself captivated by her. The way her eyes lit up with wonder, by the way her laughter filled the air.

As we stopped at the Creepy Critters section, Stacey leaned closer to me, her shoulder touching mine. “Kamukha mo ulit, love” she said, her voice low and playful, as I leaned in to examine a Burmese python’s enclosure. I felt her warmth, her closeness, and it was intoxicating. Bahala na maging kamukha ng ahas basta si Stacey ang nagsabi.

"Mas mukha kang ahas" I said as I rolled my eyes.
"Eh ikaw tong ahas. You cheater."
"Anong cheater na naman?"
"Duh? As if nakalimutan ko yung panaginip? How dare you cheat on me with ate Aiah?"
"Duh? Panaginip lang yun."
"Yeah? Pero kung sa panaginip nga cheater ka, paano nalang in real life?" Ano bang pinaglalaban ng babaeng to?
"I'm loyal kaya. And bakit ba affected ka. Don't tell me you love me na love?" Now Jho ano din bang pinaglalaban mo?

Napaawang ang labi niya at natigilan siya sa sasabihin niya sana. Her face is red, must be from the shock of how forward I was. Uh-oh. Did I cross a line? Before she could say anything ay naglakad na ako papunta kina Kisha at Lee. I can't handle another awkward tension na naman. Okay naman na kami kanina eh. Bakit kasi naman nag b bring up ng ganon Stacey? Awa naman sa bading na gustong gusto ka. Kung alam mo lang kung gaano ako ka loyal sayo kahit walang magiging tayo.

"Love, look here." I looked back at Stacey who called me from behind. Click. A flash, and then she lowered her camera and smiled at me.

"Wag ka nga mauna. Nawawala ka agad eh." She said at naglakad papalapit sa akin.

"Papunta naman ako kila Kisha eh. And dalawang beses lang akong naligaw" sabi ko habang patuloy kami sa paglilibot ng lugar.

"Naligaw ka parin. And you are not Kisha or Lee's responsibility. Ako yung buddy mo at ako ang mapapagalitan kung nawala ka na naman ulit." She said at kahit na hindi pagalit ang tono niya ay ramdam ko pa rin ang inis.

"Nyenye. Ingay mo love. Gutom ka lang siguro." I dismissed the tension because alam ko naman na mali ko at kahit tama ako ay mananalo parin naman si Stacey kasi ayaw kong makipagtalo.

She clicked her tongue and decided to just pay attention to animals and take pictures of them. Dahil occupied na naman siya, I decided to walk the opposite side of her to watch the other snakes. Di pa man ako nakakalayo ay agad na akong hinigit ni Stacey. Holding my wrist not too tight but not too loose either, she irritatedly looked at me.

"Saan ka na naman pupunta?"
"Titingnan ko lang naman yan oh." Sabi ko sabay turo sa mga snakes.
"Kumalma ka nga? Di naman ako lalayo eh. Mamimiss mo kasi ako diba?" I smirked. Nakahawak parin siya sa akin.

"Amfeeling mo Robles." She rolled her eyes but still didn't let go of my wrist. I gently removed her hands on me. Napatingin siya dito at napataas ng kilay. I then placed her hands on mine and started walking.

"What?" tanong ko nang mapansing nahihila ko lang siya. "Maiiwan na nila tayo oh? Tara na love" I smirked at her at agad akong tumalikod para maglakad ulit, still holding her hands. Baka makita pa niya yung pulang mukha ko. We were walking to catch up with the group when I noticed her moving her hands on mine. Is she uncomfortable?

She stopped walking at napahinto din ako.
"This is uncomfortable" she said and she let go of my hands. Ah? Di naman masakit kunti lang. I looked away at maglalakad na sana ulit.

"Teka nga. Atat na atat?" she then held my hand once again, this time intertwining our fingers. "There. Much better" at nagpatuloy maglakad. Nahihila ako. Absentmindedly walking alongside her, smiling like an idiot. The warmth of our intertwined hands can't even compare to the warmth I'm feeling inside. Nahihila ako. Naglalakad lang kami, pero nahihila ako. Pahulog. Pwede ba yun? Sana hindi. Mahirap mag move on if nangyari nga yun.

This is our last day on tour. Mamayang gabi ay babyahe ulit kami pauwi. Ocean park is our last destination na may kinalaman sa academic tour namin. After nito ay sa SM seaside na kami para makabili ng mga pasalubong. Tapos na ako mamili ng mga pasalubong ko for my family and for my friends. I was waiting for Stacey at one of the fastfood restaurants inside the mall para sabay na kami pumasok sa bus. We we're all given time to roam around for the last time before we gather to go to airport. Na sa bus na kasi yung mga maleta namin dahil pinadala na before pa kami mag Ocean park.

"Tara na?" she said ng makalapit.
Tumayo ako at naunang maglakad papunta sa exit kung saan naghihintay ang bus.
"Wow, marunong ka naman pala maghanap ng exit, nagpapasama ka pa dun sa-" she trailed off before she could even finish her sentence. I looked at her with judging eyes. She shrugged and then proceeded to walk inside the bus. Problema na naman nito?

After mag check ng attendance ay byumahe na kami papuntang airport. It was silent sa bus. Everyone was exhausted. Ganon talaga yung feeling tuwing pauwi na galing sa trip no? Siguro tulog na kadalasan mga classmates ko like Kisha and Lee leaning on each others shoulders while sleeping peacefully. I smiled at the view. Sana all?

I looked at the person beside me. She's not sleeping. In fact parang ang energetic pa niya. Nakangiti at paminsan minsang tumatawa. Aliw na aliw sa kanina pa niyang ka text. I pursed my lips and furrowed my brows. Kanina nabasa ko kung sino yung ka text niya. Hindi naman sa nag iinvade ng privacy niya, sadyang nahagip lang ng paningin ko. The name was Ian Ven. Tsk bantot ng pangalan. It must be her manliligaw. Yung nag bigay ng flowers before nag tour? Hindi naman masakit. Crush ko pa lang naman. Kaya ko pa to walain. Malapit narin naman na kami umuwi. Meaning, balik na kami sa dati. Kakilala lang. Walang love, walang wife at walang crush. Buti pa yung ako sa panaginip.

It was a strange and beautiful thing, this connection Stacey and I shared. Our shared dream where we were lovers, comfortable, content and peaceful. It was a dream that felt so vivid, so real, that whenever we talked about it, there was an unspoken understanding between us. We both knew it was just a coincidence. Well, I tried to think that's all it was for me not to get my hopes up.

I tried to think that it wasn't as though our subconscious minds had conspired to show us something neither of us dared to fully face in the waking world. Na walang meaning ang lahat. Na nagkataon lang at alam naming pareho. Para sa huli, hindi ko iisipin. Para hindi ako masaktan.

Maybe my dreams was a glimpse of something I wanted but couldn’t have. In our dreams, we were everything I wished we could be, open and fearless and deeply in love. But in reality… reality was different.

In reality, Stacey saw me as a friend, nothing more. And while I cherished our connection, there were moments when the weight of what wasn’t real became too much to bear. And so I am determined to do anything I could to move on, fast. While it's still just a crush. No. To move on while I'm still just starting to fall. While I can still hold anything to prevent me from falling. So that it won't hurt. Because who would want that? Right?

Love