--“You’re young, you aren’t expected to be perfect.”--
6 years. 6 Years ago Evan had met Barty in that train booth. 6 Years ago Evan had decided wholeheartedly that he could not stand the boy. Of course it was only later that same day they had been sorted into the same houses and forced to share a dorm. Evans' dislike slowly grew into something of an uneasy friendship. Both boys were close with Regulus, and so they were rather forced to get along. When the boys started their second year things started to change. Barty started having nightmares, Evan didn’t know why. When these nightmares happened he would crawl into one of the other boys beds, sometimes Evan’s. It was one of these nights that they finally had a real conversation.
They had talked for hours, about everything really. They talked about life, about what they wanted after Hogwarts, about family and friends. After that night they started talking more, and slowly they grew almost inseparable. Some days Evan liked to think of it like this, Barty had everyone. Everyone fell for his charisma, laughing at his jokes and smiling when they saw him. But Evan didn’t have everyone, Evan just had Barty. Barty understood him, understood what it meant when Evan couldn’t talk, understood why Evan acted like he did.
In fifth year Evan realised he was in love with Barty. It wasn’t like he fell in love in fifth year, more so that he finally noticed. He was sure it had happened a while ago. Still he was determined to keep it under wraps. He knew it wasn’t right, he was Evan Rosier, he couldn’t love a boy. He couldn’t love Barty. It was now sixth year, it was different. Evan had started avoiding Barty, they had both stopped talking as much. It didn’t work. Each night and day the idea of Barty clung like burrs to Evans mind, wracking him of his sanity. This.. obsession, hallowed his bones and left him yearning, desperate for the touch he denied himself.
It had been a few months since this avoidance started, a few months when Barty grew fed up. He found Evan in the astronomy tower late one night, sneaking up behind him without a sound. No ill intent mind you, but Evan didn’t know this. When a hand touched his shoulder he was more than quick to react, pushing the unidentified figure against a wall. It took only a second for him to recognise the boy he was against. “Oh. Sorry Barty.”
If Evan had looked at Barty he would have noticed the faint pink staining his cheeks, he would have seen the softness in his eyes that Barty didn’t usually have, but he didn’t. His eyes stayed glued to the floor and he pushed away from the boy. “Yeah, sorry Evan. Didn’t mean to sneak up on ya, I know you don't like that.” Evan didn’t know how he felt about that, why did Barty have to know him so deeply? “I um, just needed to talk to you about something. Pandora said I should just do it.” Barty continued, his gaze flicking around the room and his hands clenched into fists.
This request took Evan by surprise. Could it be about the way Evan had been acting? He hadn’t been that obvious had he? Maybe he had been less talkative, less warm, but he had still spoken to Barty in passing. It was hard to erase your dormmate from your life after all. “Okay. What is it B?” The use of the pet name almost surprised Evan, it had slipped out. He stayed still while Barty tripped over his words.
“Um- Well, we haven’t really been talking recently, and I..” His voice started to trail off before he regained himself. “I was wondering if I did something? Are you mad at me Ev?” It was such a stark difference to the usual demeanour of the boy. Barty was flirty, he was loud and eccentric, a bit annoying at times. This Barty however, was quiet, he was nervous, he was soft.
The question took Evan by surprise, guilt washing over him. He hadn’t meant to hurt Barty, he never wanted to hurt Barty. He just couldn’t be in love with him. He couldn’t tell Barty this however, and so he grew defensive. “What? No of course I’m not mad at you, you’re overthinking things Barty. We’re fine.” He knew he was lying, things were so far from fine. But maybe if he insisted it would stop the shake in his hands or the choking feeling in his throat. He was drowning in his own feelings and Barty was the life jacket he simply couldn’t have.
“Ok. Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. Um, well, can we talk for a bit anyways? I missed you.” Oh, how was it fair that Barty could say those things without it meaning anything. How was it fair he could be so sickly sweet and not expect it to play over and over again in Evan’s mind. But Barty sounded so pathetic, how could Evan deny him?
“Ok B, we can just talk.” Evan found himself sitting next to Barty, looking up at the stars from the window of the astronomy tower. They joked and laughed but that same tension stayed between them. The tragedy of a romance coated friendship, Evan would think. Even through the tension they knew each other too well for awkwardness. Conversation came as naturally as the cycle of the moon, until Barty said something out of the blue.
“Rosie,” The nickname alone made Evan blush. “you’re different, yknow?” No, Evan did not know. What did that even mean, ‘different’? Evan knew full well he was a bit strange compared to other people his age, but Pandora acted similar, so it didn’t matter. Barty had never made him feel different before, what was he even saying? “Oh don’t look at me like that Ev, I didn’t mean it like that-”
“Really? How did you mean it then Barty??” He was upset now, starting to feel angry by the implications of Barty’s comment.
“No- Fuck, Evan, you know I would never mean it like that. You’re just.. different. You’re like a girl kinda, I don’t know how to put it. You’re pretty like a girl.”
This just further frustrated and confused Evan. “I’m not a girl Barty. What are you even saying?”
“I know Rosie, but you’re pretty like one. I think that's why I’m so confused, it would be so much easier if you were a girl.” Evan felt his voice catch in his throat, he was unable to find a response to this. “Can I- Can I kiss you Evan?” Oh, so that’s what he meant.
“Ok.” It was slow, just the softest touch of lips. It was like breathing, it was like Evan had touched heaven, but he was still trapped outside it’s gates, only ever able to peer in the gaps. When they broke apart it crashed down immediately. If kissing Barty was breathing, this was drowning. This was cold water filling his lungs, burning his throat. After kissing Barty for the first time, Evan couldn’t breathe.
- - -----------
Barty had just kissed Evan. He had kissed Evan. But no, it wasn’t just Evan, it was his best friend, it was a boy. Barty couldn’t kiss a boy, but how could he have helped it? Evan was beautiful, he was funny and kind and smart. Barty would have had to have been blind and deaf not to have fallen for him. But now he had gone and kissed him and ruined everything. And now he had to run. Barty was never one to kiss and tell, if he was he would have to do quite a bit of telling. But he also wasn’t one to kiss and stay, at least for anything truly romantic. He slept around, that was common knowledge, but Barty Crouch Jr. was not known for falling in love. So as fast as he could, he took off, leaving Evan alone looking at the stars.
Barty didn’t go back to the dorm room, he couldn’t risk seeing Evan there later that night. Instead he did something somewhat risky. He snuck out of the school, finding himself sat at the edge of the black lake. He skipped stones across the dark water, rippling the reflection of the moon. He couldn’t think, didn't want to think. What if that was it? What if he had just ruined the best thing he’s ever had? He knew Evan didn’t like boys, he knew he really shouldn’t have kissed him. How was he supposed to fix this?
A week passed since the ‘incident’, as Barty had dubbed it, and the boys continued to avoid each other like the plague. There was a mutual understanding that they should avoid eye contact while in the same room, and otherwise stay as far apart as possible. Quite quickly of course their friends started to notice the distance between them. It was dinner when Dorcas came to Barty to talk.
“Hey Barty, are we going to talk about what’s going on?” Barty didn’t want to talk. He wanted to never talk to anyone about what had happened, he wanted to pretend it actually hadn’t so that he and Evan could go back to talking. The problem was, he couldn’t do that. He could only think and think non-stop about his mistake. Evan wouldn’t forgive me.
“I’d really rather not Cas.” His voice came out more of a plea, begging not to be left alone but to be helped. He hated how weak he felt at that moment.
Dorcas made her way next to him, they were in a hall staring out at the courtyard. She leaned against the wall right beside him and tilted her head with sympathy. “B, we’re talking about it. What happened with Evan? Why are you avoiding him?”
This if anything made Barty mad. Him, ignoring Evan? If anything it was the other way around, he wanted nothing more than to just go back to being his friend. He knew very well it was impossible to ever have Evan the way he wanted him. “We kissed.”
Dorcas sighed, Barty didn’t know what that meant. “So he kissed you and you ran away?” Barty blinked with confusion.
“Kissed me? No- No Dorcas, I kissed Evan. And I know it was wrong and I shouldn’t have and-” Suddenly Barty was cut off by Dorcas grabbing his shoulders.
“Excuse me?! You kissed him, and ran away and.. Oh my god this makes so much sense now. Barty, why did you run away?” Her voice was almost pitiful, her lips in a thin line.
He stumbled over his words for a minute, trying to find out how to say this without seeming like as awful a person as he felt. “Because Evan doesn’t like boys. And me? I shouldn’t, I- I’m Barty. I’m supposed to like girls. I mean.. I know I’m not the greatest son but why can’t I at least be normal enough for him?” It was obvious enough that the him that Bary was referring to was his father. The cruel man with an even crueller tongue, cutting and biting with his words, because nothing would ever be good enough for him.
“Barty.. You do know it’s ok if you’re gay right? No one will be mad at you, and if they are they aren’t worth your time. For all it matters I’m dating Marlene.” She seemed a bit shocked when she said that. “You’re the first person I’ve told.”
Barty couldn’t help himself. He hugged Dorcas close, trying his best not to cry. No words were exchanged for a moment, and when they were it was much needed advice. “Barty- just, could you try talking to Evan? I think it will go better than you think.”
It was the next day that Barty actually took this advice into account. He found Evan that night, unsurprisingly in the astronomy tower. Once again he snuck up behind Evan, sitting himself next to the boy. The similarities were almost uncanny to the night they had kissed, but this time Barty came with a plan. “I’m really sorry Evan.”
“Ok.” A moment's pause. “Sorry about.. kissing me?” Barty just shook his head.
“No. I’m sorry I ran away, I’m sorry I made you feel like I regretted it.”
“Oh. Do you.. do you not regret it?” Barty smiled, indifferent to the nerves he felt all through him.
“No. Do you?” Barty really hoped he got the answer he wanted.
It took a minute. Evan’s eyes stayed fixed up at the sky, his breathing shallow. Finally he answered. “No. I could never regret kissing you B.”
Barty swallowed with relief. “In that case I would really like to kiss you again Evan, can I do that? For real this time, no more running.”
“You can kiss me Barty, you don’t need to ask.” And Barty did, and Evan kissed him back. It was soft and delicate and everything they had been missing. It was love, and Evan made that clear.
“I love you Barty, I think I always have.”
“I love you too.” And that was it, he was in love. He was content and wanted nothing more than to hold his Rose, his Evan. Young and in love and learning how to live.