When the Sun burned the Star
While Regulus continued to write in his letter for James, Barty began to strum his latest obsession, a beautiful black and white Schecter Guitar. An obsession that caused his father to try an unknown spell that would cause permanent scarring and temporary nerve pain wherever it landed thankfully his father was an idiot and only caused badass scarring to his chest, according to Evan, Barty’s boyfriend. Evan, looking at his lover, decided to join in by playing his guitar to match Barty's melody. Pandora, the one of the only two women all three young men would ever love, began to drum a matching beat on her Ancient Runes and Arithmancy books and used her and Evans wands as drumsticks. Following the rhythm Regulus began to softly hum thus turning his humming into singing lines from his poem for James. Not realizing how entrancing his voice was or that he was singing out loud. “Reg’s that was bloody brilliant" Barty stated with his wolf-like smile.
Causing everyone to stop playing and pulled Regulus away from his writing. With a look of shock and pride “Black why didn’t you tell us you could sing?” Evan said with a jester pout that caused Barty to kiss it away.
Reg smiled at his friend's actions as he looked at Pandora who said nothing but kept a fierce grip on her wand. “Dora...Pandora are you ok?” Regulus asked as he turned in his chair to fully look at her.
“Reggie, you seem so happy and in love, but I keep seeing nargles swarming you. They keep clouding my sight... I think it's just because it's a big night for you. You're finally going to show James how you feel.” She said with a kind voice, but her eyes showed a faraway look.
Looking at his letter he smiled, “Yea Dora I am.. happy. I'm going to tell James how much I care for him. He makes me want to be brave. I'm going to tell Sirius and my family that I’m gay and that I'm in love or whatever you want to call it with James. There will be nothing to stop me, not my family, not my brother who all but mostly replaced me.” He said with such conviction. He smiled as the clock strikes eleven. To Regulus eleven was the time to hide and meet his beloved, to the rest of the students it meant curfew. Regulus smiles and turns to his friends as they wish him adieu and good luck.
After sneaking through the hidden passageways, he makes it to the place that started this love affair, the Pitch. There under the goal post closest to the Gryffindor stands was the man that started it all, James Fleamont Potter. James turns to him and smiles as he walks towards him with open arms. As soon as Regulus is in his arms James grabs him by the waist and gives him that smile that causes his heart to jolt, like the first time he rode a broom at age 10. “Oh.. my stars, you kept me waiting forever” James says with a tease gleam in his eyes as he leans down to press their lips together in a scorching kiss. Regulus never gets tired of the way James lips taste on his, like eating a divine fruit from the Gods that tastes like sweet nectar.
James swears he can see a calming sea after a storm in his Star's eyes. The same eyes that caught his attention all those months ago. Six months ago at the Slytherin and Gryffindor quidditch match both tied 25 to 25 a game with much at stake. Both boys after the same goal need to win. One flying to catch the snitch, the other flying to keep a goal away. Regulus with his snake-like reflexes catches the golden snitch with ease as he wraps his ivory fingers around it, turning to look at his brother on the opposing team but instead catches eyes with James. James, not realizing how he didn't notice the younger brother of his best friend before, the boy who had eyes that were the color of the ocean, eyes that seemed to shine like the stars at sea on clear calm night.
James smiles to himself at the sheer luck and skill. That smile that seemed to come easy to James caused Regulus not to hear his teammates screaming his name at the victory he caused instead all he saw was light. A light that was so strong and warm that it thawed something inside of him he didn't know was frozen. That one moment causes a rippling effect of late-night star gazing hoping to see the Regulus star shine bright like those piercing eyes for James. While the other woke up early in hopes that the morning sun that rises will cause them the same heat and warmth. Both men on the field, hoping that the same spark, that same feeling would arise.
Until finally they meet again as they both set out to fly after curfew hoping to either chase that feeling away or to keep feeling it.
“Not all of us have a map used as a cheat sheet or a handy dandy invisibility cloak as insurance.” Regulus said after pulling away from James to reach into his cloak pocket.
Causing James to stop reminiscing “So my star, what did you want to show me? Not that you needed a reason to see me.” James mockingly in a joking manner says, “Jamie we have O.W.L.S next week and there is a schedule to be upheld.” Regulus pulls away with a glare. “Love those were your words not mine.” James says with humor in his voice. Knowing he too is missing out on studying with Remus for ancient runes, a subject he is passing but still struggling with.
“I asked to meet you because I wanted to speak to you and show you something that's important, but before I show you. James I…James what do you see in your future?” Regulus said, looking into James' eyes. James recoils he knew this was going to come up again, this wasn't the first time they had this conversation. He is a 7th year student this year and graduating shortly after his O.W.L.S. “James.. Jamie.. Are you ok?” Regulus' voice is muffled as his thoughts take over.
He has lost sleep thinking about his impending future. Remus asked them all before, but James never said what he wanted to do because he didn't know. The future. He never knew that two words could cause such pain. The future, that phrase kept playing over and over in James' head. When Remus asked his friends, Peter had answered quickly, surprising all of them that he wanted to be a healer for children at St. Mungo's. Remus said he wanted to work for the ministry or perhaps work at a bookstore in Diagon Alley but due to his lycanthropy issue; he was limited to work hours. Sirius was a wild card; he didn't know nor care what he wanted; he could be a house husband if Remus allowed him too. However, he had been infatuated with muggle alcohol and had this theory of mixing muggle alcohol with potions. He thought he could open a bar that served both muggle and wizard drinks creating his own version of potions with alcohol. When James had asked if he had started testing already all he said was ‘Semantic Prongs Semantics'. But for James the future was too much. He had expectations sure, maybe not as strict as Regulus’ Pureblood expectations even if he too is a Pureblood, but he has exceptions none the less. From everyone, friends, family, hell even the school. Everyone had their own version of what he was to be; a Pro Quidditch player, Wizengamont seating, Auror, a possible Curse Breaker, Hell maybe even a Healer? He forced some on himself as well.
There it was again that heart squeezing can’t breathe pain that only went away when he saw Regulus’ gray eyes. Except this time the pain didn’t go away when he looked at Regulus. This time in those eyes there was worry and pain, but he had also seen that expectation gleam and that's when he knew. James couldn't be what Regulus wanted him to be His Openly Gay partner.
The Golden Boy for the first time in his life realized he needed to be the bad guy, the monster in someone's story. But Merlin did he love this boy. He saw it all the house, the cat and dog fuck maybe even a child. He saw it all but like a dream it quickly turned into a nightmare, a nightmare of disappointment. Versions of Sirius yell at Regulus for stealing his best friend and his brother in all forms but blood. His parents were crying because their son had no future, no plans, nothing but a boyfriend that was none other than Regulus, the younger brother of his best friend, the same brother that James and his friends would ignore in the halls for the past 6 years. His mother would look at him with tears in her eyes for being with a man, he knew logically his parents didn’t care who he loved, but that fear of disappointing them was enough. Plus, James as much as he knew he loved Regulus he was still somewhat attracted to Lily Evans. Maybe just maybe if he dated her there would be some peace to his mind. But the thought of hurting Reg and disappointing everyone just kept playing in his head over and over a vicious cycle of disappointment and doom.
“Jamie… Jamie.. James!!” Regulus all but yells. “Hey Jamie, it's okay, you don't have to tell me. It's just these last few months you’ve made me want to be brave and to tell Sirius and my family about us. I want to tell everyo-"
"No Regulus.” James said in a sharp tone all emotions lost in his voice. James didn't know that he could do this. How could he tell this boy how much he wants a future with him? That he is his future, but he’s not gay. At least he doesn't think so, he still likes Lily. He knows what he feels for Lily isn’t the same but if he can let go of some pressure then it will be ok. Reggie has to understand right? He’ll get it if he has to. Oh no.. That feeling keeps coming back into him slowly.
“What? James what do you mean no.” Regulus asked in a shaky voice. Regulus looked at James face, really looked at it and there it was. He could see it clear as day the same guilty selfish look, the same look that Sirius gave him when he abandoned him all those years ago. “His James” was abandoning him too. He felt his blood running cold, his heart stopped. This wasn’t his Jamie, this wasn't his Sun, this wasn’t James. This was someone else, a hollowed version of him. James began to speak in a void of a voice, no emotions, nothing but sharp words. “Regulus I do care for you, truly I do. I love you, But I can't. I can’t Regulus. I can't tell you what my future is. I can't tell you that we can go public. I can’t. I’m sorry but I just can’t.” James said desperately, like a beggar for water in a desert.
“I can wait, it doesn't have to be now, I can wait. I ca-" "Never” James cut him off.
"Regulus…I can't. I’m not gay Reg. Not really, I mean I don't know. Yes, I'm attracted to you but that's it you're the first guy. It's only ever been women, before you and I became this.. I just got rejected by Lily and that's because she needed space and only wanted to be friends after she and Severus had a bit of a falling out. But they are cortical with each other, and she says she sees me as a friend too. Reg I… I’ve only been attracted to you both. I’m sorry Reg, I just can’t. I’m sorry. Maybe it's because I'm graduating soon and there's a lot of pressure. You don’t understand the pressure I'm under. Can’t you see! Bu.. I.. I just can't. I… I’m Sorry Reg. I just can’t do this anymore. It's too much, there's too many expectations, too much pressure.” he finished desperately with his chest heaving up and down, eyes wide trying to decipher Regulus' body language. He takes one final look at the boy he is sure he will love forever. He’s supposed to be brave and loyal as a Gryffindor but at the end of the day he is a cowardly lion. He didn't realize it but he did more than break two hearts that night. He broke someone's soul. He just wasn’t sure whose.
Regulus lets go of his letter; he doesn't even feel it slip out of his fingers. All he hears is ringing in his ears as he keeps replaying all of his memories with James and hearing James saying he can't do this anymore. He should have known that this was never going to be a happy ending for him. For he is a member of the Black family. No, he is the Heir. He remembers the first time he asked James if they could go public after Pandora catches them kissing in the Restricted Section of the library. James all but pushes him away and leaves. James ignored him for two weeks. Regulus goes with Pandora and tells his friends the truth. How he and Potter started this secret relationship after his rejection from Lily. He talks about how James makes him feel. He knows it was a crush and he deeply liked James but that was it at the time. After meeting again 2 weeks later. Regulus asks him to please tell his brother how they feel for each other. But all James could say was “No, let's wait for when we both are really sure this isn’t just a passing fancy.” Regulus screams in his head how stupid he was. He can hear his mother’s voice telling him he is worthless and that he should’ve known he was gonna be abandoned. Hearing a crash of lighting snaps his inner turmoil to a pause. “James.. James JAMES!!” Regulus screams out as he tries to look for James through his blurred vision. All he sees is an empty field, James did it he really left him alone. A field that once had such sweet, beautiful memories that quickly turned into an insidious nightmare.
Pain, gut wrenching pain, was all he felt as he clawed at his chest causing him to collapse on the grass. He looks up silently mumbling James' name like a prayer as the rain tries to wash away his tears and heartache. He looks at the stars hoping to see The Canis Major constellation, his brother's star but sees nothing but a black angry sky. For the first time in his life, he is truly and utterly alone. James didn't want him, he may have loved him like he said he did, but this love is cutting him and has been slowly since the very beginning. Using his hands to pick himself off the ground he sees his wet letter ruined from the rain. For a split second he thought about using the Incendio spell to burn it to ash but stopped midway. He can't bring himself to, that's his Jamie’s, letter. He’ll keep it as a reminder for it was the first and last time he felt love.
He doesn't care to know how he got back to his dorms, it's a miracle he didn't get caught or crash into something with his tears blinding his vision. As he enters the Slytherin dorm all he sees are his friends, his family waiting for him. Evan, Barty and Pandora quickly catch him as he crumbles to the ground. No sounds leave his body just silent tears. Pandora grabs Regulus and wipes his tears. “You will be happy Reggie; this isn't the end for you or any of us. This is only the beginning. I’ve seen it.” She says with such conviction as she lets go of his face.
“What the Hell did he do Reggie? What the Fuck did that Cunt do to you?” Barty yelled with malice in his voice. Evan held Barty fist as they were shaking from rage, Evan made eye contact with Regulus and realized what had happened.
“They broke up Bee.. Potter broke up with Reggie. And from the looks of it the feeling isn't mutual.” he said. Pandora follows Regulus as he stands up and walks to his room, he grabs his trunks and suitcases and packs everything. He grabs his journals and places them on top. His friends watch and begin to pack as well. No one spoke. He made a decision on his way to the dorms he will not stay here, he will leave his family, his title, he will leave Hogwarts thus leaving James and his brother. They want to hide him, give into the pressure, pretend he doesn’t exist. Then fine he’ll do one better. Where others quake in the fear of rejection, crack under the pressure, hide in the shadows. No more he will be someone they wish they knew, wish to be loved by and wish for forgiveness. Once they were all done packing, they looked at Regulus; he looked just as lost as them but eager to leave.
“We’ll go to Severus; he's at the Astronomy tower doing rounds. He’ll tell us where to go, but first we need to get Dorcas.” said Pandora with a smirk that would cause Salazar Slytherin himself to shutter. Regulus doesn't look back as they exit the common room, he knows to trust Pandora, Evan and Barty. They all made a vow as children to never abandon one another to always be there for one another. They were a true family. Nothing and no one could tear them apart, not even death could separate them. For if death did try, they will eat it bones and all.