Save Your Tears

Idiot. Sirius thought. 

You're a huge idiot for thinking Remus would actually wait for you.

It's Remus fucking Lupin. Obviously everyone is in love with him...

But why did it hurt so much? Why did his lungs run out of air? 

Sirius knew for a fact that he had screwed up. Weeks had passed since that, what he didn't know was why it hurt him more to see Remus with other people. That was starting to hurt more than anything else.

And he hates himself for believing that Remus would actually give him another chance.

That night meant nothing to him, it seemed.

Sirius sighed and took another swig of firewhiskey, trying to forget that.

Now, maybe you should know the context.

Slytherin and Hufflepuff had had a quidditch match that morning and, as expected, Slytherin won.

So, having a rowdy Gryffindor among them, Sirius encouraged them to have a party. He had taken care of everything himself, the music, the drinking, the fact that Filch won't find out, everything. It was a way of thanking his brother and his friends for accepting him all that time. He invited a few people (half castle).

And Sirius believed it was time to be himself again, so he put effort into his appearance that night. He was wearing tight pants, a maroon lace shirt, and his leather jacket. He complement the outfit with his boots, rings and chains and pretty makeup. 

What he should have anticipated was that Barty and Evan were going to invite Peter, It wasn't that it would bother him, on the contrary, he was happy that those slytherins would help and take care of Pete. What he was not happy about was that Peter decided to invite James and Remus. Lily and Mary doing laundry.

"I'm so sorry, Sirius! I didn't think they... W—well..."

"It's ok, Wormy. Don't worry, you look too cute tonight for you to waste all that effort apologizing. Go get a drink and dance, make sure you drag Ev and Barty with you." Sirius winked and walked away laughing, trying to hide his nerves and fear.

He didn't know where his feet had taken him, but to his bad luck, he ended up bumping into Lily Evans.

"Oh, sorry... Evans."

"Black." Lily said that with clear disgust and remorse. 

"Know? I'll never understand why Remus decided to give you a chance." And there it was.

He had never heard anything else from Lily's mouth that was not of that nature. And he was already fed up. 

Why did everyone think that it was Remus who had given Sirius the chance? That no one remembered him as Sirius Black anymore? Now he was just Remus' ex-boyfriend John Lupin? No sir. No more.

"You would be surprised to know that I was the one who gave him the opportunity."

"Liar. You're like your family, Black, you only know how to lie." 

"You better shut your mouth, Evans. You know nothing about me or my family and you have no right to talk to me like that."

"I know enough about your family to know that they are horrible people and that you are the same. They are Death Eaters and only God knows what you are capable of, being their son! Maybe you're also a Death Eater..."

"Shut up!" A third voice joined that discussion.

Lily opened her eyes in surprise, watching Pandora Rosier walk towards her and push her away.

"Sirius Black is NOT a Death Eater, you don't even know the weight of that word! You don't know what you say! So, shut your mouth once and for all!" Pandora had tears around her eyes.

"Panda..."

"No, Lily, you went too far. You don't know what it means to any of us, born into oppressive pureblood families, to be told that. It's like you said it to me..."

"But I never—!"

"But if it's Sirius, yes, right? You're wrong." 

Pandora took Sirius's hand and took him out of that corner, getting lost in the party again.

"Are you OK dear?"

"...Yes, Pandora, i'm ok. Thank you."

"It's no big deal. Now, if Lily bothers you again, just tell me. I'll be at the bar making drinks, okay?" Pandora smiled sweetly at him and kissed him on the cheek, walking away from him.

Sirius smiled slightly and paced around the room, making sure everything was okay. And everything was fine.

Well, until the moment he saw Remus Lupine stick his tongue in someone's mouth.

That was the moment when he felt his heart shatter, again.

Sirius stood still in the middle of all those dancing people, he even dropped the drink he was carrying in his hand.

But... But... I thought that...

The words did not come out of her tongue, what did come out were tears from her eyes.

Sirius didn't know when he had advanced on Remus and dragged him to his bedroom. (The one he shared with Regulus, Evan and Barty)

"What the fuck, Black?!" 

Oh.

So now he was Black.

"No, Lupin, I should ask you that. What the fuck?! I thought...!"

"Whatever you thought, it's not true! I'm not interested in you, not anymore!"

"...Why?"

"Because I opened my eyes and realized that you are not worth it." 

"What?" 

"Are you deaf or what? You're not worth it. I'm not willing to spend my days with a Death Eater."

And there it was again.

"A Death Eater?" 

"Yes. I know what you are."

"No, you don't know."

"Yes I know. You are just like them."

"No! I'm not!"

Remus laughed sarcastically and coldly.

"You are Sirius Orion Black. Soon you'll just be a Death Eater and I'll be more than happy to hand you over to be sent to Azkaban and..."

Sirius stopped listening after that, trying to figure out why Remus was behaving that way.

That's when he saw the newspaper on Barty's bed.

«Sirius Black, at the age of 16, will become a Death Eater! This is everything we know thanks to the rumors and claims of Lady Walburga Black!»

That bitch.

"...then show me."

"What?" 

"God, what an idiot. I told you to show me your arm."

"Whatever you want except that."

"Then I'm right. You have a dark mark."

"No, i'm not!" Sirius could feel his voice crack.

"Yes, you are."

"...You all think so badly of me. You think I'm this or that but it's not true! You don't know me at all!!"

"Of co—"

Sirius interrupted Remus' words with a blow to his jaw.

"No! You don't know what it feels like to grow up in a house where if you don't do what they tell you, they throw an unforgivable curse at you! They do not know and will not know what it feels like to spend nights being beaten, days without eating and weeks locked in a small closet. They won't know what it feels like to have your own mother tell you that you are a disappointment and that you wish you had never been born. You will NEVER know what it is to cry and scream to the point of no longer hearing your voice!"

"Sirius—"

"No, you said you knew me so go ahead and answer the question. At what age did I get my first crucio?"

Remus remained silent.

"At 6, Lupin. Ok, at least, at what age did they lock me and Regulus in a room full of snakes to learn?"

Silence.

"At 10. You see?! You don't know me!"

At this point, Sirius was already crying and pulling at his hair, but as best he could, he lifted the sleeve of his shirt, exposing his arm. There was no mark. But many scars from uniform cuts, some looked fresh.

"I'm tired of people thinking they only know me by my last name. Nobody really knows me." 

Magic and anger began to merge, causing everything in the room to begin to shake and fall. Setting fire to many things and causing a gentle shudder.

"I thought we were getting somewhere, Moony... now I see we're not. That I was stupid." 

The use of a nickname made Remus start to cry.

"Love—"

"Don't call me that way. You and I are nothing."

Before Remus could say more, footsteps were heard and then the front door was opened.

"Sirius!" Evan ran into the room, hugging Sirius and glaring at Remus.

"...Remus, please go."

"Siri..."

"I beg you." Sirius broke free of the hug and looked at him with pleading eyes. "Go away. Please, please, if you still love me, walk out that door and don't look my way again..."

Remus felt a part of him stay in that room as he left.

He had started this so why was he so sad?

It was official. The moon would have to learn to shine alone while the brightest star in the sky was fading.

"If Jesus died for all our sins

He left one behind the body I'm in

Same hands that made the Moon and the stars

Got carpal tunnel and forgot some parts."