Rubber Ducks
“You don’t have to go,” I said in a small voice.
Tsukasa just stood there, looking at me, having pulled the sliding door to the bathroom almost all of the way closed again. Only a narrow slice of her was visible, silhouetted against the light of the laundry room beyond.
“No, no, I’ll leave you be. You can enjoy. I just didn’t realize it was occupied, because the light…” She gestured behind her with a half-wave of one of her arms.
Her accusing the light of somehow being the transgressor was so like her. I assured her that it was okay, that I’d intended the light to be off. It was my fault she’d intruded.
“So you meant to be here in the dark?”
“I did, yeah.”
“Why? Isn’t that scary?”
“Not at all. I do this sometimes, take a bath late at night in the total dark. I guess it’s kind of weird, but I read about it in a light novel… The idea of creating an environment of sensory deprivation, to lose yourself to something greater.”
“That sounds interesting, please tell me more about it later sis! But uh, well, I won’t bother you…” She made as if to finish closing the sliding door once again.
A half-moment later, and I blurted it out.
“…Wait.”
I wasn’t sure where I was going with the thought that had just popped unbidden into my head, but I felt an intense desire, a sort of internal pressure. I had to follow through with it. I was being pulled along by a sudden rush of inspiration—it didn’t feel so much that I was making an active choice, but rather tumbling down a hill of missed connections, small gestures; the psychic build-up of over a decade of a certain unrequited nostalgia. All around me, the steam wafted in tender curls, catching the stray shafts of light that managed to cut through Tsukasa’s occlusion of the doorway. I watched them dance, their chaotic patterns reflecting the internal battle being waged inside my heart. If I could read the messages contained within their endless upward dance, I would have been able to understand the true nature of the universe.
“O-oh?” She said, shattering the silence. It wasn’t so much a word as it was a confused vocalization. Something about the momentary surprise, the evocation of a shadow of implication, caused me to squirm a little. How was it possible for her to be so cute with her every little action?
“Yeah…” I murmured, my voice low. Inviting. “I mean, we used to take baths together all the time, didn’t we?”
“Well, yeah…"
The necessary rebuttal hung heavily between us but remained unspoken.
“It’s really interesting just to relax here in the dark. Besides, you’re too much of a scaredy-cat to do something like this by yourself.”
“Hey!” She said, but giggled a little.
“So come on, the water’s fine! And I don’t bite.”
“Not anymore,” Tsukasa grumbled, but obliged by opening up the door further and beginning to slip her nightshirt and pants off.
“Hey now, you can’t keep bringing that up. We were little kids!”
“Yeah well it still hurt!” She said, but laughed. By now she’d slipped off her panties and had placed the whole bundle of clothes in a neat little pile on the appropriate shelf.
“Okay, I’m ready!” She said, stepping through the doorway.
“Uh… you gonna hop in here with your socks on?”
“Oh yeah…” She said, swiftly removing them and throwing them back into the laundry room. “I’ll take care of them later.” She closed the door behind her, and fumbled her way over to the tub before stepping into it.
As she sank in deeper beside me, she exhaled with obvious relish.
“It’s just the right temperature…”
We both enjoyed the quiet darkness, the enveloping warmth, and remained like that for a long while. I wasn’t sure exactly how long it was, but in that moment I felt myself flush red. The things I was thinking… What was I thinking?! I decided I would blame it on her floral shampoo. It was the brand only she used in the family, and she paired it with a similar, light perfume on certain days. Or she did, the days she remembered to; today had been one of those days. And so rather than meditating like I’d been trying to earlier, I found my focus completely absorbed in my sister. Right there, beside me. The ripples she made as she adjusted herself to a more comfortable pose, her slow, even breaths, the smell of her mingled with the fragrances she’d chosen. Taken together, it was impossible to deny the reality of her presence there, even though she was totally hidden from sight. I moved my arm so it would brush against hers, our fingers briefly connecting, and she didn’t pull away.
“So… What am I supposed to be thinking about?”
“Nothing. That’s the point. You just drift, and let it all float away. You know?”
“Oh, yeah…” She said. “It is really nice.”
Another span of silence passed. I felt myself growing warmer despite the hot water enveloping me. A twinge somewhere in my core, the growing feeling of a lack. Of a need… I took a ragged breath in, trying to calm myself down. I was thankful for the darkness, hiding the emotions playing out on my face and my complexion. I was sure I was beet red and fanned myself with my free hand. Nothing in the world could have removed my left hand from under the water, our pinkies laying atop one another.
“Empty my mind…” She murmured like a mantra.
"Right, exactly. Just focus on your breathing, on the feeling of the water, you know?" I scooched my hand a little closer to hers, overlapping more of our pinkies.
"Just the feeling of the water," she echoed, her voice dreamy. "Okay, yeah! I get it."
"And you just sit here like that, and bask in the feeling..." I didn't know where I was going with this, but it seemed like the right thing to say.
After another pause, she fidgeted a few times before breaking the silence yet again.
"My mind is always so full of noise," she said. I could tell she was pouting. "The more I try not to think, the more thoughts come up..."
I got the feeling she didn’t really get the assignment, so I decided to do something crazy and bold.
“How about this…” I said, positioning myself so I was a bit closer to her. “Turn so your back is toward me, at an angle.”
"Oh, okay." She did so, the splashing echoing off the walls of the little room.
“I’ll help you get relaxed even further.” I said, and slowly, awkwardly, began to press the heels of my palms into her back, kneading.
“O-oh…” She said again, in that miniscule voice, dewy and fresh with realization. She hadn’t known what I was going to do, and without sight to telegraph my actions to her, every new sensation was a new world.
“Tell me if it hurts somewhere. I’ll be gentle. Just going to work out any knots or soreness.”
“It feels really good, onee-chan.” She said, her voice soft. “How are you so good at that?”
I wasn’t sure, in truth. I was just moving my hands along her back, applying pressure the way I’d seen on TV on occasion. I’d never so much as had a massage of my own in the past. But into each movement, each press of my hands, I was trying to convey into her the barest modicum of the feeling I’d been bearing, silent yet persistent, in my deepest heart. The authenticity of the truth I hadn’t been sure of until this celestial moment, shared in a bath full of hidden stars and cosmic wisps of indelible meaning.
I leaned forward and pressed my lips, slightly, into the crook of her neck, rolling my knuckles into the sensitive valley beside her spine. I felt her quiver a little, suck a breath in.
“Is that… part of the massage?”
“It is if you want it to be.”
She trembled a little again and let out a shaky laugh.
“Oh, oh I get it...”
I paused my hand’s movements. It was my turn to be surprised.
“You do?”
“Well yeah. You’re pretending you’re going to bite me again.”
She didn’t get it. I stroked her neck with my right hand while I continued to massage her back with my left. Every moment that passed, I let my massaging hand advance further and further, to the point where I was stroking her side. My mind had no idea what I was doing—it felt like something out of a dream, where I was seeing myself do these things but felt strangely disconnected from the act of them. All I knew was that despite my fear, despite my struggle to maintain control over my breathing, I was experiencing something that I’d been holding in for a very long time. The expression of something fierce and passionate, a secret wish I’d borne close to my chest.
“If something doesn’t feel good, you tell me, okay?”
I felt her nod her head, and again she let out one of her light little laughs.
“It feels wonderful, sis.”
Again, I put my lips to her neck. This time, I kissed her, keeping my head there in the crook of her neck. Savoring the burst of lotus and sandalwood, and underneath it, her natural musk, the unique smell of sweet sweat that I could never mistake for anything else.
“Uh, sis…”
“Yes?” I replied into her neck.
“You’re really uh, close.”
“Yeah, I am, aren’t I? How about that?” I said, not moving.
Tsukasa didn’t respond. From the feeling of the water moving, I could tell she’d clasped her hands in front of her. Pulling them away from me. She didn’t move otherwise, and the room was totally silent. I couldn't hear her take even a single breath.
“Do you want me to move?”
Tsukasa still didn’t answer. The silence ticked past. With a sinking feeling, I began to wonder if I’d misjudged the looks she’d given me, the recent banter. You idiot, I thought. Tsukasa’s not the type to flirt.She wouldn’t know how. All of the things you thought you saw, the connection you thought you had—it was in your head. Stupid, stupid! Just as I had resolved to pull myself back, to act like the whole thing had been some sick joke… She moved her hands back to where they’d been behind her, to prop herself up. She said nothing, gave no other indication, but I took that to mean she was okay with my face being in her neck, my lips playing about her skin. I could tell from the warmth and stickiness of her neck that she’d gotten a bit hotter herself. I couldn’t judge with any degree of accuracy, but it seemed like her heartbeat had gotten faster too.
I kissed her neck again, and as I pulled away I dragged my tongue up her neck before kissing her ear. She gasped. This time, though, she didn’t pull away. She gave a strained little giggle, somewhere between another gasp and a hiccup, and mumbled something unintelligible.
“Huh?”
“Ah I, uh… I said…”
With my other hand, I slipped it around to her front, and began caressing her chest, gently squeezing and massaging as I did so.
“I sai—ohh,” She moaned, leaning into my hand. “S-sis…”
I caught her nipple between my index and middle finger, and rocked it back and forth between them. At this she stiffened again, and I felt a tremble rush through her.
I felt her lean into my every touch, bucking against my hands. Her breathing was growing hotter, more ragged. I could tell that deep down, I’d ignited that same feeling of need. Or perhaps all I’d done was serve to rekindle what had already been there for her, too, all along…
As I let loose a hot breath into her ear, she suddenly grabbed my hand on her chest, holding it and me quite still.
“H-hold on,” She said, shaking slightly. “I just—This is a lot.”
I pulled my hands back quickly, or I tried to, but she held my hand to her chest and wouldn’t let go.
"Too much?"
She shook her head.
"Mm-mmn, it felt amazing..."
I waited.
"It's just... Kagami, what are we doing?”
A moment or two of frantic thought on my part later, I launched into the best explanation I could conceive of.
“I’m just helping you feel good,” I said, my every word feigned innocence. “Just giving you a massage, you know?”
She let my hand go and I retracted it. With a swishing and splashing noise that tinkled and crashed off of the walls, she turned around to face me as best as she could manage given the tight, pitch-black quarters.
“That’s really it?” Her tone wasn’t carrying a demand for clarification, nor was it accusatory or angry in any sense of the word. Her breathing was still a little faster than usual, but she spoke as though she was confirming the tally on a supermarket receipt. Though again, I couldn’t be sure, but there was a hint of… disappointment? Was she let down by the thought?
“I told you, we can stop at any time. It’s whatever you want,” I said.
“That’s not what I asked…”
“I want to make you feel good. That’s the honest truth.”
Tsukasa remained silent.
“Look, I didn’t mean to surprise you. I went too far, it… it won’t happen again, okay?”
Still, she said nothing. There was just the sound of a steady drip, drip, drip probably coming from the faucet behind her, and the much more distant whir of the laundry machine in the other room finishing up a cycle.
I waited another moment for her to reply, but I was suddenly reminded of a scene from a little over two weeks ago. A nightmare I’d awoken from. That same sickening, swooping sensation was going through me at that very moment. I felt as though I’d really done it this time, crossed some awful boundary. For all my daring and determination, I couldn't avoid the necessary consequences. The reality of my actions. Despite my earnest belief that it would be okay, her silence told me I’d forever tarnished our relationship. That this was just something we couldn’t walk away from, and from this point on we’d grow further and further apart; we’d narrowly categorize it with a dark label like “the incident” or "that one night" and it would be a matter of angst and scorn, something remembered in shame, in hurt, in our evermore distant division. It brought to mind that horrible world I’d seen in my dream, the world without Tsukasa. Even now with how silent and still she was being, I couldn’t tell if she was even really there. Had I fallen asleep and been dreaming this whole time? A spark of hope. Maybe I'd wake up a moment hence...
“Listen, Tsukasa, I’m really, really sor—”
To my surprise, there was a noise of water rushing forward, the countless invisible vortexes in the tub defining the volume of mass that had just moved through their still domain. Tsukasa didn’t let me finish, pressing her lips heavily onto mine and kissing me, hard. Much harder than I had prepared for. The sudden weight of her against me, pressing her chest and arms and lips onto me fully, caused me to splash backward, knocking my head against one of the walls.
“Mff.. o-oww..” I said, into her lips. Tsukasa didn’t reply, continuing to kiss me. She probed my lips with her tongue, dipping it inside slightly before releasing me.
Despite my throbbing head, I moaned and wrapped my arms around her, embracing her to me as we continued to kiss. The moment felt as though it were stretching on and on irrespective of the actual time passing, as though we’d opened up a minute that had unfolded into places it ordinarily couldn’t. And in that mysterious, much more vast minute, I began to see a light growing stronger against my closed eyelids. It was barely there, and at first I wondered if I was imagining it.
I opened my eyes and could see Tsukasa’s face, mere millimeters away from mine. Her eyes were closed. Wait, how could I know that?
I pulled away from her and looked around in alarm.
“Hehe…” She giggled. “Sorry.” Her tone shifted to something more sultry, and soft. “I was just… helping you feel good, sis. Like you said.”
I didn't have time to consider the implications of what she said; something incredible and strange was unfolding around us.
“Tsukasa…” I breathed, shocked. “Open your eyes.”
“Wha—? Ohhhh wow!” She oohed and aahed, looking around just like me for the source of the light. Our eyes quickly found the water beneath us was sparkling as though lit from within by a thousand tiny stars. Pinpricks of light danced on the surface of the water, and underneath, of all different colors and complexities. Some were simply tiny pearls of light, where others had complicated fractal patterns, streaking past in a momentary burst like senko hanabi.
“This is amazing!”
Her face lit up, bright and happy, like a kid at a festival for the first time in months. She inspected each light she could find closely, and marveled at their beauty.
“Y-yeah. It really is something. But uh, what’s happening?”
“I don’t know,” she replied. “But whatever it is, it’s something really special.”