Velvet Bond

January, 1977

James was finding ignoring Regulus quite difficult.
He had asked Remus everything there was to know about gay people, and being gay, and the feelings that one had about another man if this person was in fact gay, and after a little mental break down -not so little actually- he had accepted the fact that maybe, and maybe, he wasn't exactly straight.
But he still liked girls, he was still in love with Lily- just- it was hard not to look at Regulus as well.

For now, Remus was the only one who knew that he probably had a preference towards boys too, and he had been really comforting in everything, in the questions he had asked, in the doubts, in - in not fully accepting himself.

Not that- not- James wasn't against it, hell, his best friend was gay and he had nothing against it, love was love, and for a person like James, who appreciated all kinds of affection it shouldn't be anything too strange, just that admitting it to himself hadn't been so easy.

There were still many prejudices, the topic was unknown in the wizarding world, and misinformation was even more widespread. James was quite free, he had never been the subject of accusatory glances, his parents were perfect in every kind of freedom, but this - he didn't know how they would take it.
And James hated lying, or hiding. So well- he had a lot in his mind in this period but that didn't mean that Regulus wasn't on the top on this list.

They were back from Christmas break, the first Christmas Regulus had spent alone at his home, after- well- after Sirius run. The last one it didn't go too well for Sirius so much so that the Potters had found him at their door in the middle of the night- so- he didn't quite know what to think about this year.
Would they treat Regulus like Sirius?
But- if it was so why Regulus didn't escape like his brother?
But again- could he really escape?

Sirius had been in a bad mood all day, casting glances around the Slytherin table and nothing had managed to cheer him up. He was probably seeing something that was unknown to him. Sirius probably knew something he didn't, the only thing that was certain was that Regulus wasn't well, not as usual, and Sirius probably knew why.

"Ei Sirius, don't you taste the meat?" Remus asked him, raising an inquisitive eyebrow and Sirius snorted, it was strange and neither of them understood why.
Sirius never left anything behind, he had once confided in him that in their home fasting could be a form of punishment and for this reason at Hogwarts he never held back.

"'m not hungry" he said looking at the Slytherin table and he was so obvious that at a certain point Barty Crouch turned to them and gave them the middle finger.

"Sirius, mate, are you good? Has something happened?"

"They are starving him- I can't believe- They-" Sirius mumbled to himself, he didn't even seem to have heard the question Peter had asked him, but those whispered words to himself made the table freeze. Starving? Regulus- he- fuck James had understood just a little about the boy but he knew that there was something wrong in how he perceived himself and his body and if at home they starved him he could easily understand why.

They were monster.

"What?" Remus said, looking the most collected up of them but still shocked, he gave him a sad side look and he drifted his gaze away.
Sirius ignored them, once again.

They all turned to the Slytherin table having new information to fall back on, but they didn't see much, Regulus was hiding behind his friends, playing with meatloaf, while listening to Pandora talk, but he didn't seem to be paying much attention.
His gaze was more on his plate and the untouched food on it.

James didn't- he couldn't- he felt bad.
Sirius knew something but even if he had told James this something he and his brother seemed to share, he couldn't do anything anyway.
Not until he managed to talk to Regulus, not until he managed to take him into a closet and have a conversation heart to heart, not untile he regained the little confidence they had before he went back to his parents for Christmas.

Regulus was as shy as a cat, literally.
In that month James had done everything to make sure to talk to him and he had had a very few results, he even went at the library to meet him, but nothing! Literally nothing!

He was sorry that he let this much time pass since talking to him after Sirius went away, but fifth year had been- a lot- for all of them, with Sirius that run away at Christmas, with the prank -as they called it- he did to Remus and the shift in their group- everything was going bad and he did think about approaching Regulus. Not until everything was sorted out.

And then- Regulus always seemed to be in a hurry, in a continuous fight against time, he always something to do, subjects to study, potions to brew and it was exhausting for James, he didn't want to imagine how it was for Regulus.

The only good thing was that in the last period they had made a lot of progress.
Yuppy yay!

He had found something Regulus was willing to do with him.
Quidditch.
Regulus really liked racing with him on the field, until their lungs burned, until their laughs echoed, until their fingers get too tired to even hold the broom.

And after they had competed together, late at night, despite the freezing cold, on the field, they went in the kitchens to ask the elves for a cup of hot chocolate.
And that was his favorite moment, when Regulus still cold from the flight, his cheeks and nose red, his long fingers warming themselves on the cup, was calm and peaceful, without the slightest worry, a vision, really.

Regulus had burned through every ounce of energy, every ounce of cool, intelligent remark that he constantly seemed to have.

So that was the moment in which Regulus opened up.

When Regulus told him about his books, quiddich, the France, and in return James told him about his parents, the Christmases spent together, the birthdays celebrated.
And Regulus seemed so small, so little, so out of his world, with his mouth slightly open and stars in his eyes, imagining how different their future would have been if he too had been able to experience those things.
If he too had had the love of his parents.

And on one of those evenings, he understood that he was absolutely and irremediably in love with Regulus Black. Because he was beautiful and- and a- he was fucking art.
James understood he had a heavenly crush, something that wouldn't go away in a few months, but would remain for a lifetime.
He literally would have dropped on his knees for him.
He hoped to drop on his knees for him.

James even liked when Regulus insulted him, he found beauty even in the mocks he did towards his stupid glasses, his curly hair, his competitiveness. He found delight in seeing his teeth appearing in an almost smile, even though- even though Regulus always stopped himself midway, as if he was not permitted to smile, to laugh.
And his heart clenched even thinking about that- he- wanted to give Regulus the world, to make him understand how he saw in his reality- like how he was doing with Sirius. He wanted Regulus in his life.

His problem right now was that - with the holidays in between, with the dose of harsh comments his parents had towards him and - well- no one knows what else they did to him - Regulus would withdraw into himself.
In his insecurities.
In his doubts.
In his convictions of not being enough, of having to give more, more, more, of not deserving anything other than contempt.
And James- James felt bad.
Because he could not bear to see that - to a person who literally had stars in his eyes, who had constellations on his face in the form of freckles, who was the personification of beauty, of intelligence, of love - him treated like this.
Like he was a no one.

Dorcas said something to Regulus and he snapped his eyes on them, his gaze cold against their skin. He mimed a 'what' with his mouth and Sirius gave him a middle finger who was reciprocated by Regulus who rolled his eyes.

And James-
James didn't understand their relationship- Sirius was worried mad about his brother but when their eyes met they treated each other like shit.
Sirius once said to him that it was a brotherly thing and James would have not understood entirely, so- well- he didn't rally know.

"Why?" Peter asked Sirius

"Why what?"

"Why are you worried sick for him and when he actually watch here, you behave like a dickhead?"

"I can't let people see that we still talk to each other." His blue eyes snapped on them. "I wonder what he did to make them so angry he's usually-" he stoped himself, shook his head biting his lips, that evening he never watched at the Slytherin table again.

When they finished their dinner they went out and Sirius marched on Regulus, taking his wrist and getting him away from the mass of people. Remus tried to protect them from the gaze, but they saw that not a lot of people cared about them, too lazy and tired after the banquet.

"(...)What did you do to make (...)" Sirius hissed at his brother.

"Hello (...) and lower your voice you dumbass or do you (...) " Regulus shouted back and James winced, hearing his hoarse voice, like ha had been screaming.

"You are a (...), now tell me what (...)" James, Remus and Peter were trying to understand what they were discussing about but they didn't get everything, just some words whispered.
But they could easily understand what the two brothers were arguing about, it was not difficult, James saw it all, Regulus got thinner in just a few weeks, and he probably was using a charm to cover their work.

He felt so angry.
He felt so fucking angry.
So much so he could go and kill them.

And James was a good person, he was good- but fuck he felt the need to kill someone only twice in his life, and towards the same person.

The First time was when Sirius run to them, bloodied and crying.
He was so fucking angry that he wanted to go there and literally hurt all of them for just touching his person.

And then now.
The rage was so big that he could feel the air being fuzzy and his magic almost exiting from him, exploding, imprisoning the air around them, Remus out a hand on his shoulder but he just- just-

He wanted to hurt them
To make them feel pain.
And he could not think about that.
Because he was good.

"You can't say to me what to do (...)"

"You are fucking scrawny, are they starving you? What is this on your wrist? What did you do to anger dear mummy? They love you." James went nearer, it was wrong, it was their privacy but- but he knew that something was wrong in each one of them.
That soon they'll explode.
Because everytime happened.

"You know nothing, Sirius. Shut up." Regulus hissed, his eyes closing as to stop himself.

"I know enough, you are their perfect son, are you already marked? You would wash the floor with your tongue if she asked so. What could you have done to make her angry? Let me see your arm."

Sirius was gravitating too near at Regulus.
And he knew for a matter of fact that Regulus hated that.
It was one of the first things he learned about him.

Never, never, trap Regulus Black if you didn't want a black eye.

But right now, Sirius was too near to Regulus and he was hyperventilating, but Sirius being Sirius didn't notice that, too preoccupied by his injuries, that were- a lot. Regulus tried to get away but his brother was pulling his wrist even stronger and- and that was wrong.
Sirius let him go

"Don't touch me." Regulus tried to get away once again, but Sirius quickly followed and Regulus was trapped.

Wrong, wrong, wrong

Regulus was hating all of that. He hated the fuss, the worry, the powerless feeling he felt. But Sirius was still watching his arm, not his eyes.
Sirius, please, let him go.

"I'm right? Is this why? At only fifteen? Must be a record? I can't fucking believe you-" Sirius grinned like a maniac, his head far, far, far away, already imagining it in his mind, how his brother took the mark willingly, how he was proud of his doing, how- how- how. But it was all wrong- wrong- wrong-

"You don't know anything, let me go. Now."

"How asshole can you be from one to ten? I'm caring about you here!"
And Regulus snapped, James saw his jaw clench, his fists closing, his arm tensing, his body straighten up.

"You don't deserve to care, not now. You are just a fucking idiot who thinks that he's better than anyone. You run but I'm still there, fucking dimwit! You don't deserve to come here and pretend to care about me. You DON'T care about me! You didn't care when you first came to Hogwarts, you didn't cared when I was sorted in Slytherin and you didn't care when you went away with your new brother! So let me live alone and- and- never talk to me again! You just bring problems to me, they see everything! Care, as if you still care"

And Sirius was pretty shocked.
He had tears in his eyes but he should have known better than to cage Regulus like that. And fuck. He was so sorry- he had his best friend and his crush who were arguing and he couldn't think- what to do? He didn't want to see them like that.
Sirius was just worried about his brother, he just thought about his well being even though Sirius insisted he was not, that he didn't care about him.
Regulus instead was surviving as they taught him to, they treated him with so much violence that he didn't know love, so he didn't know how to let others take care of him.
Even Sirius loved him through pain, through punishments and beatings so- so Regulus really couldn't see the difference between love and pain.
You love with pain.

"I- You can't- I'm- I'm sor-"

"Don't be- don't need- live your happy life with your new brother- I don't fucking care"
And he knew what Regulus meant with that, because he wrote that to him a long time ago-
Regulus was happy that Sirius was living well- he was happy that he was away from that house- far away from the pain, being loved and cared.
But James just couldn't understand neither of them, they- they- it was so difficult- fucking hell-

Regulus was capable of pushing Sirius away and he passed near them, giving only a quick look at James. He went to Sirius instead. He would have found Regulus later.
Or at least he hoped.

"Sirius-" James didn't know what to say to him, he overheard their speech when he didn't have and they argued about things that he didn't plenty understand, he was interrupting their moment and it was wrong but he already did it, so there was no turning back.
"Don't- Regulus- he is- You were the one to tell me that brothers are like this."

“He’s not my brother,” Sirius shook his head after a moment. And shook it again like he was ridding himself of a buzzing fly. Again.
James wanted to look closer at Sirius' anxieties, hold his eye open and shine a light through his skull. Is that how all those lab doctors felt? But Sirius didn't let them through his shell. Only sometime, but he still had too much inside him, bottled up.

They heard a clang and he turned to see Regulus' wand fell on the ground, his lips wobbling a bit, but he quickly stood up, getting away as soon as possible. Sirius seemed to see but not to understand how much he hurt him.
Sirius was dissociating again.
In places that James didn't ever see and where he couldn't go, where he couldn't take him out.

“He is,” James said simply, almost angrily. They were brothers, they- they had- since the first time, Sirius came with Regulus. They were each other's strength, they were each other's hope, they came together, Sirius the overprotective brother and Regulus the cold one, who cared inside.
And- Sirius took proud in being his older brother, during their first year it was his most prominent feature.
“What else is he then?”

“I left him,” Sirius says hoarsely and he finally understood what his best friend meant before. Sirius grips the wrist of his bad hand, watching the spot Regulus had been one moment before. “I left him behind.”

Sirius didn't meant bad when he said that Regulus wasn't his brother anymore.
He just meant that he had failed him, that he didn't deserve to be called like that anymore, that he let him down.

But to Regulus-
Yeah- to Regulus those words meant something else.

---------------

James woke up and went to Harry's room to find Lily already there, hugging and cuddling him.
"James, hi darling!" He smiled at them, poking at his son cheek.
How much he loved him, Harry didn't know.
"Have you noticed how fussy Harry has been lately? I'm getting worried about his health. Do you think that- that he'll be good? Even with the bond?"

James had returned from the hospital three days prior, but he still couldn't do a lot of things, his training with the Aurora was suspended, to his much dismay and even at home he had to rest.
The doctor said that it was for the blood loss and the hit he had received in his head when he fell on the floor.

And- okay- thanks to everyone- but it was annoying, boring, lonely and the time passed too slowly.

James was used to woke up at the dawn, run about four kilometres, do a few laps around the quiddich pitch and start all his lessons.
James was a sporty person.
Motion was his reason for living.
So sitting down for so long had become excruciating.

"Yeah, I've noticed too. But mum said that he's okay physically. A part the first few days in which he kept crying his eyes out, now he's good. So she said that the- the bond- the- well- it means that it's- that person is good. Uhm-"
He took his son in his arms.
Another thing that had been changing was how everyone was now much more affectionate, always being in each other's space.

And- well it was okay from the other, but from james who was already a touchy persone had almost become unbearable.
Nobody had the courage to say anything to him, they were still preoccupied about his health- but he himself could see how he was being demanding.

He had often slightly panic attacks when he didn't know where his parents or his best friends went, and he knew, he knew it was no good, it was a traumatic response after a bad accident, he was no dumb, he already knew. But it was so difficult to not fidget when somebody missed for more hours than necessary.

"The person who our son is bonded with is good? Is this that are you trying to say?"

"I don't want to think about our son- tied with a- a Death Eater- they did this, they are the cause of all of our problems I hate them and-" Lily had always been the more rational one of them.
He and Sirius took all the news about bonding bad, they didn't want anything to do with- well- with them.

Lily, instead, she was not happy, but she thought that if this person had almost sacrificed himself for saving them- this Death Eater couldn't not be that bad.
And she was right.
And James knew that there was no black and withe.
But it was difficult.
His son life was in a Death Eater's hand.

"James we have already talked about this" Lily said changing Harry's diapers, while he got nearer. "It's a good thing, if that person didn't show up, we would be dead." He winced at those words.

Dead
He started to don't like that word either.
Dead, dead, dead.

"James, you really have to think about seeing a psychologist- it'll be good. And I'll come with you if you need that- I'll need that" Lily said.

"I know, I know" he mumbled. He already knew that he had to took these problems into his hands. That it was not normal to need to be so in control of everyone, or to be scared of the world death, or to- well everything he was having in the last period.
"But right now- it's not the right time, the healers need to care about the person who really needs that. I'm good, I'm fine- and- I'll be right as new in a bit of time. Don't worry."

"Don't- just don't postpone your problems for the others. Not again. Don't fall into old habits." She warned him and he gulped guilty.

They always said that he often did that, but he didn't really- he didn't see that.
James- he was fine- the other had bigger problems than him, they struggled about their life, their parents, the fact of being a fucking werewolf, so who was he to complain about his life?

And the first of them to tell him that was Regulus, the first one to tell him that he was a fucking dimwit to think like that, to not talk about this problems because- because he didn't feel them as important as the others.
He called him a fucking idiot for thinking like that. Or a martyr. Or a- well Regulus insulted him a lot while they dated.
And then Regulus would listen to him complain about a lot of things- but Regulus told him he was happier to ear him talk about his problem than his silence.
So he learned to do that with him.
But without- well he was- now he was really falling into old habits.

He smiled sadly.

"He would say the same thing, and you know that." Lily whispered and- fuck- was she able to read his fucking mind?

"Are you a seer? How do you know what I was thinking about?" She laughed shook it her head and poking their child on his cheeks.

"No Jamie- you do that face every time you think about him" she hugged him and he put his head on her shoulder.

"You know- sometimes- I think that if he was the- the Death Eater- I would burst out with joy. I'm- I'm so against it- against this bond because it could be anyone but I want it to be just one person- just him." he huffed on her neck, and he felt so embarrassed of being so- so- concerned about a person who he hadn't seen in such a long time. So weak. So frail.
"Is it wrong for me to hope this? At the end of the day he had still chosen them."

"No James, no. It's not wrong to- to care. We're living in a difficult time and- it's difficult to decide. And- I hope abut that too, James- and I think even Sirius is thinking the same. He just doesn't say it because- well it hurts every day. And it will hurt more if at the end he'll not be the one. But everyone is hoping."
James nodded, he was not relieved but it was difficult to be during a war, but he was feeling a bit better, he still had near him Lily, Harry, Pads, Moons and his parents, and they were enough.

The bell rang and his mom was at the door waiting for Harry.
His parents offered to take care of him for the night so they could reunite a bit with Sirius and the others, Mary, Cas, Marls, Frank, Alice.
Not a lot, but the right number.
They were just sorry to not have done this when Remus could be with them, tonight he would be with the pack, on a mission from the Order like always. They could have postponed it but- well- Sirius was not in his best moment, so better have him under control than far away.

Sirius was still angry with Remus, after what he said in the hospital, but at the same time he was suffering that his boyfriend was alone far from him during a full moon, without Pads near him.
And well- the general mood was very sour- after their almost death- having Remus so distant in a period like this- was- disturbing.

"Oh hello honey. How much did you grow since last time?" His mother kind face showed up at the door and James hugged her tightly.

"Mum you have seen him yesterday" James laughed and his mother mocked him behind his son.
Really?

"Thank you Effie, for tonight"
Harry was watching everything with a pout on his mouth, he was not happy to be far rom home, but it didn't happen a lot.
Just sometimes.

"No problem, darling, just-" his mother sighed "Just have a bit of fun tonight together, you'll need it." And they nodded grateful.

"Hi little pumpkin, we'll take you tomorrow!" James waved a hand in fron of harry and he tried to catch it babbling a bit. "Have fun with the granny" he touched his nose affectionately and he let him go.

"Hi, my little baby, my heart and my soul." Lily hugged him and the she planted a kiss on his cheek. "Stay well. Okay? We'll se you tomorrow morning."

Tonight it would also have been a test.
They were trying to see if james had a real traumatic response, how he cope without Harry near him. He took a deep breath.
It was fine.
He was with his mother.

Lily put a hand on his shoulder.
"Do you want to help me in the kitchen?"
And yes.
He would do anything right now.
Anything to distract him.

----------------

"A smoke?" Sirius asked Dorcas, who were looking outside the balcony.
It was freezing, middle of November, but he still felt the need to catch a bit of fresh air. James did this little reunion to celebrate his birthday, but he knew that in fact it was to keep him near when Remus was far and in danger, alone and scared.

And- yeah- James did good.
Or he would have gone crazy that night.

"Yes, thanks" Dorcas took the cig into her hands.
She had come earlier than expected, Marlene was still with the Aurors, so they would meet here after she finished her daily training.

They were quiet for some time, watching for the sky quickly turning blue, the sun disappearing at the horizon, the crisp chill of the evening chill that was beginning to stir their clothes, a chill made their skin stand up

Dorcas- Dorcas had been welcomed in their group immediately, hell they were happy Marls had finally managed to get her girl- but- well Sirius didn't get along with her, they mostly talk when they were together with the others but not so much when they were alone.

Dorcas reminded him so much of his brother, the group they had been, how she posed, that confidence, those jokes, Slytherins were cunning by nature and she was one of them. And- and her brother was like that, too.
Quiet but calculating.

"Can I ask you something?"
It was bugging him.
Since the incident with James and Lily happened- he wasn't thinking about anything else.

"I thought we were past these formalities, Sirius" she winked at him and he smiled.

"Yea- but- it's quite personal, I don't want to disturb you"

She hummed, nodding along, the cigarette burning in her hand without her really taking a drag. "You are being extra careful today and I'm not quite used to this you. So spill out and quickly" and Sirius rolled his eyes, really?
He was being considerate and she just said that?
Regulus would have said the same.

He huffed and took a drag from his cig, taking his time in forming the right words.
He wanted to know a bit about his brother- was he a pure blood supremacist or- or he had his doubt?

He didn't know a lot, if he rethink about that- he never asked him much, Sirius was the one to talk most of the time while Regulus listened to his mumbling, whit a book in his hands.
But well- at the end- he didn't talk so much, they mostly argued about everything really.

"How was he? How did you- formed your group? I was used to his bookworm self- I don't know- at the end- I was not so good I didn't ask him anything about-" he struggled to let out these words- he never- never talked about his thoughts,- it was a thing he learned at Grimmauld Place, hide everything you don't want them to see.

Don't talk casually, because the painting and the frames listened and reported everything.

Never let out what you really thought because she would have known.

Never, never, never, show your weaknesses.

Even when he went against his parents he kept everything to himself, he rebelled only on the littlest things, too scared. Never mention about homosexuality, or- being with a guy, or having some muggleborn friend.

Dorcas laughed, Sirius didn't understand if it was nostalgic or real.
"You know? You are right, if it were up to him, he would have become a monk before his fifth year. However, you must- you must believe me when I tell you that he was the supporting force in our group. It's strange looking back- but everything- he was like the sun and we gravitated around him. And it's almost ironic to call him like the sun, isn't it?"

"The sun? Why?"
Dorcas smile sadly but she didn't continued about that, she just watched him and nodded slightly, sighing a bit.

"Can I have another?" She pointed at the pack and he quickly gave them to her.

"I don't know how it happened really, I came later, at first there were Reg and Evan- they were already friend when they arrived at Hogwarts." Sirius rolled his eyes, because he already knew that and he hated the fact that Evan was always more interested in his brother than him.
Yes- he was an attention whore, so when at six years old a kid didn't want to pass the time with him to spent it with his brother who didn't care, it hurt a little.

"And Evan had his twin sister Pandora who was sorted in RavenClaw with Barty" She chuckled and he smiled with her unknowingly. "So I don't know how it happened, but Barty apparently messed with Pandora in some way, don't know how- they always change it when they tell us because Barty- well- he's Barty and he find it funny. But he was already weird and too intelligent even at eleven years old- so Evan and your brother ganged up against him."

"He did what?"
Oh Merlin- they ganged up- his brother?
Regulus?

"I swear- Regulus had a soft spot for Pandora. So no body could ever make her cry or he would jinx them for all their life." Dorcas smiled and Sirius saw how this topic was affecting her, but at the same time she seemed all right telling this. Sirius wondered how- how she might have felt when her best friend went away, in a path she could not follow.
"But it's so funny when they tell this story because the two big boys went in the Ravenclaw common room to- I don't really know what was their goal and they didn't know either, they were too posh to even throw a punch, to stick up-" she giggled.

"And?"

"They just clicked you know? Regulus and Barty. Like immediately. Regulus throw a punch at him but then they started laughing. Both swot, witty, and intelligent, they always fought for the first place in tests and homeworks, it was almost funny to watch. And then, both their parents sucked so- well- that did a good job on their bonding"

Sirius froze-
Well he forgot that part- he didn't think that could be a way to bond, bring their parents in to the picture, but at the end it seemed that they were useful to someone.

"Or well- your parents- sorry- it’s strange to think that after so much time" Dorcas smiled at him, putting the cigarette in the case.

"Yeah right?" He laughed awkwardly "Weird. But they were good to him. After a bit." Sirius didn’t put a right in the end.
Because- because they must have been.
Regulus was the heir. The last one. So he was necessary, they couldn't hurt him. He had just to be good and he was. They must have been nice to him. He did everything for them.

"Oh- Sirius-" Dorcas caressed his cheek with a sweetness that he made him almost crumble at her feet. "Don’t- not now- let’s not ruin your party, okay?" And the floor could hold him anymore.
He was falling and falling and falling.
Regulus was- Regulus was good-
He was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good

"What- Dorcas what- what do you mean?" He struggled to breathe, his hands trembled. Where was now? Was he good now? Why he didn't seek for help? They would have helped him? Even after everything. Why, why, why?

"Don’t worry- not tonight- just-" Dorcas bit her lips, uncertain to what to say next, she probably saw him struggle. "But he was not alone. It wasn’t good, yes- but- we were there with him. Okay? It was something."

She put an arm around his torso, trying to give him some comfort, but he felt his ears ringing, his head full.
"Let get inside, you are freezing. It's too cold." She whispered and he nodded.

"Yes- in a bit. I finish the last one first"

"He always cared about you, don't be- too fixated on his" she hummed watching him "Choices. He- there are reasons"
And he was left with much more questions than answers.
Dorcas flip up all of his conviction with a single phrase.
But- well- what one can't see one can't believe right? They were all talks.
"We'll wait for you." She winked at him and she entered.

But he couldn't enter, not now. He closed his eyes and took a drag, burning his lungs and forgetting everything for a moment. The burnt he felt was worth it, the damage that the smoke was doing in his lungs a little less, but they were already fucked up- so who really cared?

And well- what a great month.

"Hey mate, they have arrived, don't you want to come inside?" James reached him outside and he cursed internally, he let too much time pass, lost in thoughts.
"Fuck- it's fucking cold outside! Are you mental?"

"James you are not wearing a jacket, maybe it's for that." He pointed out and his best friend grinned. He didn't know what he would have done without James in his life. He watched at the moon who was shining bright on their head and he sighed, worried.

"Are you- do you need- some time? Some company?" James started noticing his mood but Sirius stopped him immediately.

"No sorry- I just lost track of time, I'm coming" he smiled at him, letting an arm slide on James' shoulders and they went inside. "Everything is good" and Sirius smiled, it was easier that way.

"So, Sirius, how does it feel to finally turn twenty-one? You are of age in America" Frank pat him on the shoulder and he grinned.

"Not that it makes some difference. But you know, same old. Just another year wiser and better looking, I suppose." He welcomed Alice in his arms and she quickly smiled at him.

"Modest as always, right Sirius?" Marlene grinned and he grinned with her.
He tried to put his thoughts a part, about Regulus, Remus, the full moon.

"Wow Lily! You have outdone yourself"
He put a finger in the cake she had made and she slapped him on his hand, he pouted.

"Don't ruin everything, I worked hard for this"

"Yeah, the hospital only suggested her to take it easy" James rolled her eyes, kissing her on the cheeks and he smiled. He was sad they didn't work out at the end, because they were both easygoing and they balanced each other well.
But if Lily turned out to be a lesbian, nothing to say at that.
He was glad she was able to find and understand herself better, and james didn't take it bad, he was quite happy for her.

"You are sulking because you were confined to bed until two days ago" and james pouted, because it was real. James really couldn't stay in bed for more than six hours.

"Shut up, I had been marvelous" and they all laughed a bit, because no.
Monty called everyone at least once a day to complain about his son.

"You are really funny, I didn't remember how much" Mary said, bending over the kitchen counter, in front of Lily and taking a strawberry from the cake, under the attentive gaze of Lily, who blushed.

"What! You scold me and don't say anything to her!"

"Shush! She is my girlfriend." But Lily took out the cake, still shooting her head, a bit of blush around her cheeks.

"Girlfriend preferences, you must understand" Mary winked at him and he rolled his eyes.

"To think that once you were my girlfriend"

"Don't remind me of my dark times"

"It's my birthday, you slut!"

"Slut to who?" Mary took his hair in her hands and he started screaming some more cursed at her, while their fought for their lives.

"Can we bring back Harry? Or it's too late?"

"No, we should go James, he has the best behavior among all those babies."

"For real, next time we'll bring Neville and it'll be easier."

"I must say it again, do you perhaps remember that I'm the birthday boy, right?"

"Attention whore" Dorcas coughed and Sirius watched her shocked before he bursted out laughing. He didn't- we he was but it was the last thing he expected to hear. And the other laughed to while Lily prepared the last thing on the table, before dinner.

"You didn't really-"

"And what if she did?" Marlene took a fork and she pointed it against his chest.

"You lesbians are dangerous, I swear" Sirius mumbled to himself and James gave him a tap on the shoulder in a comforting way and he dramatically shook his head, but he was smiling.

"I'll save you, my love" James hugged him and Sirius laughed on his shoulder.
How the hell would have he lived without James?
There was no world in which Sirius Black and James Potter were far from each other, there couldn't be.
Never.

"Let's eat! Shall we?" Lily said snorting a bit.

"So? How did today go?" James asked and they all talked about their day, fortunately nothing much happened and he quickly learned that those days were the better ones. Better nothing than- well than an actual fight- with death and- everything else.

Sirius took a seat in one of the chairs and watched as Marlene brought him a mixed drink, virgin, so they didn't have to take care of an eventual hungover, they still had to wait for Remus to came back home.
She set it down on his armrest with a gentle smile and the she went to the others.
Sirius accepted the drink and swallowed a mouthful of fruity liquid. It was good, nothing he had ever tasted before.

They soon found themselves in a lost daily routine, recounting everything they had done during Hogwarts, the pranks, the outings, the parties, the gossip. Accompanied by ABBA in the background, - because really James couldn't help himself - they spent a lovely evening at the end. It- well- James had a good idea, doing this to return in to a sort of normality.

At some point during the evening, Sirius lost count of how many glasses he had drained dry, they were fucking good. Sirius leaned his head back and closed his eyes he was feeling good. And he thought of Remus, curled against his chest, cheek pressed warmly on his shirt, reading a new book he had gifted him, in their apartment. A kiss pressed against his lips, and then he would ask for more. The taste of Remus tongue invigorating his mind and enlivening his senses. Harsh fingers digging into his shoulder. The soft skin catching drawing a moan from deep inside the man. Sirius wanted him badly. He missed him. He needed him.

This evening was perfect.
The only thing it was that Remus missed.
And especially Peter.

Because they knew that Peter was gone, because they knew that he- he was now wanted, a criminal, a traitor and he would no longer pass time with them.
Sirius would kill him if he ever found him.
And- to think that way about a person who had been a founding part of the group-was devastating.

But it had been fun nonetheless.

They said goodbye to each other too late, Frank and Alice going home, even though they asked them to sleep there, but they had to go to work early and they had to take Neville from Frank's mum, so they preferred to go.

Sirius and the others, instead, remained to sleep at the Potters, someone on the couch, someone on the floor, everyone near- scared of letting away that lovely evening. They wanted to make the most out of it, because they didn't know when it would happen again. The next time they would be together like this.

And well- it seemed that they jinxed it.

They were woke up by a loud thoud at the door, like someone who was unhinging the hinges. They all grabbed their wands, scared of who could that be, their sleep washed away immediately, they breath hard, their eyes swollen and widened.

Moody appeared at the door, and-
The heart of Sirius stopped.
He almost fainted immediately.

Not agin, not again, not again.
Please not again.
Just not again.

Moody was carrying a- a body.

The bloodied body of Remus Lupin.