Core Collapse
Sirius
He told him he loved him
He told him he loved him
He told him he loved him
He told him he loved him
He told him he loved him
He told him he loved him
He told him he loved him.
Not once through any variation had he said it back. The hellishness of words was forever immortal
Like the blood on his arms, swirled with his fingers into mesmerising patterns, his thoughts swirled around his head. Sirius held a small, sharpened blade to his thin torso and sliced- second layer, an improvement for that area- he had barely been able to draw blood before.
Ironically, he was only cutting there now because he had run out of room everywhere else, and he hadn’t cut his torso as much because he couldn’t get any good cuts there.
Sirius had moved back into the Room of Requirement, unable to stand Remus’ presence.
He was cold inside, his body ached and screamed with pain.
It hurt like a breakup, whatever the hell this was. His emotions were turbulent, swinging from anger to sadness to anger to sobbing on his floor in crumpled grief. His wand could have been shredded in front of his eyes and he couldn’t care less. At least the exams were over.
Back to avoiding Remus, to just lying there and thinking why the fuck he did that? And back to thinking that summer was coming up soon.
Going back to the manor.
Short sleeves.
Mother.
Sirius wasn’t entirely sure he could take it.
“Sirius?”
He’d recognise that voice within a heartbeat, you could have slashed his arms and it would bleed out slower than he knew that voice. That person.
Goddamn Remus Lupin.
“What is it?” he said, keeping his voice as neutral as possible.
“Meet me outside? After lights-out, just outside the Forbidden Forest?” Remus said.
“If you’re trying to get me killed, I can do that perfectly well myself.” The sarcasm dripped off his voice like blood on his skin.
Blank stares.
Once upon a time, his life had been full of emotion. Be it anger at his parents, love for his friends, happiness at being around his boyfriend, sadness overtaking him in waves which James always helped him through.
By this point, it had been a week since he had felt any actual emotions. Maybe that was the reason for him burning himself with his own cigarettes, to prove he was somehow still alive.
“I’ll see you there.” Sirius nodded, and walked away to the castle.
Would Moony take him back?
Did he care anymore?
If there was a God there, they fucked up when they made him.
“You said we had to talk?” he asked.
The Forbidden Forest loomed behind the two boys, darkened trees swaying in the wind.
“Yeah. So…we’ve been on a break for a while now, about a month and a bit-"
"Two months." Sirius added quietly.
"You counted?" Remus looked slightly concerned.
'I clawed each day into my skin,' he said.
But "How could I not?" came out of his mouth.
Quiet, broken, pleading.
Remus inhaled, and started Sirius in the eyes. One final time, he thought- but entertaining the thought had no place here, not while the balance of seconds lived in the mix.
"I think we should break it off.” he stated.
He would have screamed, if the castle weren’t asleep, he would have screamed if his vocal chords could bear it. His mind couldn't bear it.
"Sirius. I loved you for the longest time, and truthfully? I still do. But now, my love for you isn't well…romantic anymore. We're only hurting ourselves by-"
"Oh, you too?" Sirius managed through a storm of tears, because if he couldn't have humour dark as the current night, he may as well have nothing.
"For once could you be serious-"
"I'm always Sirius."
A beat of silence passed again, as Sirius watched how Remus' face contorted in anger and sadness as he smiled ruefully. As always, he tried coming across as suave, careless, everything he was before he fucked everything up. But the stage was darkened, the audience had long since left, the rest of the cast had gone home.
But here he was, still acting.
Sirius choked up, eyes watery, face blotchy- he hated this. Hated every emotion he was feeling, he shouldn't give him the satisfaction, he's losing the relationship, he'll lose the breakup, he's losing life and along the way? He lost himself. The final drops of who he was before his life went to hell had bled out on a floor in Hogwarts somewhere, then been spelled away with a simple 'Scourgify' or dabbed away with tissues.
A shot of pain fled through his wrist- Sirius realised he had curled up into a squalling coil on the floor, dimly aware of Remus saying nonsensical words in front of him- more meaningless reassurance. How dare he. How dare he say "I love you" and frame him? How dare he try and comfort him as he had this whole time…
Had he been too much?
Should he have been less sad?
Oh. It really was all his fault. It really, really was.
"Sirius, I'll be here if you need to talk, okay? This isn't me leaving. And I know it'll take time for you to come around, but when you do, I'll always be here for you."
Liar. The hatred bubbled up in him, then fizzed out just as he opened his mouth to speak.
"Fuck you." it came out strangled, desperate, and weak.
"I'm leaving." With the last of the dignity he could muster, from years of pureblood galas, he left, never seeing Remus' eyes, the one's he had gotten lost in so many times, the ones that had once been the only things keeping him going when things got bad, when he had relapsed on a small scale.
"Room Of Requirement. I need…"
He needed a blade. He needed to cleave his leg apart and see the muscle separate, he needed to see the way the blood would well up and flow, and sting to the point of death if any air dared blow on it.
"I need a room."
His door materialised, and the familiar grey carpet, (newly cleaned- did the house-elves know about this place?) looked at him, the white bed looked like an old friend. It hit Sirius within that moment- one day, this would leave too.
They all left, in the end.
Remus
"You look awful mate. Are you okay?" James asked upon seeing him.
Remus stayed silent, swaying on the spot for one moment.
He hated crying in public. Even with his friends, it counted as public.
He walked over. Sirius wasn't here, that was his fault.
"Moony?" asked Peter, clearly worried.
And he broke down. Right there, aware of James comforting him, saying that Sirius would be alright, when everyone knew he wouldn't be alright, his mental state was shit enough already, if he dies it'd be all his fault-
"Moony, he won't die. I promise you. And this is in no way shape or form your fault, okay? Look at me." Peter held Remus shoulder as he said this, speaking earnestly and truthfully.
"Not your fault. Sirius'll be sad, sure, everyone has a right to their emotions. But everyone means you too, Moons."
He went to sleep that night, unrested.
He knew Sirius wouldn't be okay, he was ashamed of being seen crying in public- but damnit if he wasn't supposed to be the strong one or whatever.
Remus was fucking tired.
So very fucking tired.
Sirius
"In the end, every star explodes. It's what they do."
"Even us?"
Sirius had looked at his baby brother, who had stars in his eyes. Scared stars, but still stars.
"Reggie, don’t be scared. We won't go supernova for a while- our stars are here forever. Keeping watch over us in the night." he had reassured him.
"Okay."
That night was one of the few where both Mother and Father had been in good moods. They'd allowed their children to go stargazing on the manor roof, a clear sky.
"Siri, no fair. Your star gets to keep company to the moon, and mine is all the way over there!!" Regulus pouted.
"Stars make their own light. The moon relies on the sun. You're as special as the moon, Regulus the Star."
"And you, Sirius the Star."
The star that accompanied the moon, that's all he ever thought he was- and he was fine with that being all he ever wanted to be. However, the new moon was here, and Sirius was left by himself, unable to turn to any others.
Every star explodes. It's what they do.
But the brightest star in the sky had fizzled out, it's dimness too tired to burn.
Sirius never thought he'd supernova this quickly.