Star Fission
Sirius
Pistachio shells littered the floor of the common room, discarded among long-drank Firewhiskey bottles. Adoring Gryffindors surrounded him, yelling and chanting as the last bottle was downed in the span of a minute. It clattered to the floor as the room erupted in cheers.
"Sirius Black, our reigning CHAMPION of drinking!" someone gleefully screamed.
Still nothing. Feeling was something that he thought he couldn’t do anymore, but sometimes it swarmed his head and refused to let him go; then died. Smiling anyways, he pushed past the pain and tried to conceal the tremor in his hands, and the nausea which was sneakily coiling around his spine and consuming him whole. That may just have been the alcohol and constant muggle drug abuse though.
London loved gold, and what's a single galleon melted down and sold to a million different variations of the same way to hurt?
Sirius staggered up the stairs, trying not to be sick. Merlin, maybe all the alcohol did have an effect on him. The conversations below were blending in, and the words on banners and posters weren't legible anymore.
In his confusion, his body collided with another person who was coming downstairs.
"Sorry," he mumbled, then realised who it was.
"Oh not you, anyone but you," whined Sirius as two all-familiar amber eyes took in the wreckage below them.
"What- cachu iar Sirius, you know I- fucking really- I can't deal with you right now. Move aside." Remus shot, a scowl forming on his face.
"Va te faire enculer," he slurred, the words in freefall from his plastered lips.
"Just-" Remus surveyed the way Sirius clung to the walls like a lifeline, his glassy, bloodshot eyes, and the remains of his soul screaming for help. "Go back to the dorms, or wherever you're calling home now. Seriously."
"Home's a state of mind, Moony- and mine's long lost." Sirius weakly retorted, running his hand through his dry, drunken curls. It was a bad response, but it was all his piss-drunk mind could create.
Moving back, an expression he couldn't decipher flared across Remus' face. Opposing the other across the stairwell, Sirius slumped back on the bannister, stealing more glances at Moony, who reclined stiffly on the oak walls.
God, his eyes were gorgeous. How did anyone hurt him, anyone so radiant?
Pushing himself off the wall, he staggered over to his darling and leaned in.
"You're a shitty person, you know that?"
When Moony recoiled slightly, he remembered how his breath would still be sourly sweet, and heavy. It would have overloaded Moony closer to a full moon. The scoff he let out passed over Sirius' face, and for a beat the two boys stayed like that, face to face, drunk to forget, and missing them dearly.
Then the spell broke, and Remus' eyes took on a sadder tone as he brushed a spare hair away from Sirius'.
"You won't remember any of this, will you? In the morning. When you have to be a fucking human being again?"
"Ma vie, Moony. My damned heart that broke when you cultivated it just to shatter me like glass."
Goddamn, his eyes really were gorgeous. Honeyed amber, inside he could see the world and himself, a golden tapestry of what could have been.
"You have prett- prett- pretty eyes," he said,involuntarily stretching up to be closer to them. To him-
A sharp, spearing agony exploded below his left ribcage, and Sirius fell, clutching a hand just above where the pain was- he knew what had caused that, and touching it would probably make it worse, with how stained his hands were.
"Be ddiawl- shit shit shit what did you do?" Remus cupped Sirius' shirt, pulling his hand back in horror as he realised it was bloody.
" 'M fine, Moony, ' swear 'm okay, let go, let go please-" he begged, silently relieved for the pressure that Remus' holy hand was exerting on him.
Trying to assure Moony he was okay, he raised his hand to his face and nodded, eyes widening and breath quickening as he noticed:
his sleeve had ridden up. And in doing so, exposed the two fresh scars that X'ed out his tattoo of the moon.
Silence.
Understanding.
"Hospital Wing. Fucking-" Remus inhaled sharply. "Now."
"You don't get to tell me what I do, Moony-" Sirius said back, still half-supported in his ex-boyfriend's arms, as he was then dropped onto the unforgiving floor.
"Don't call me Moony. And when you're resorting to this?" He gestured to Sirius collapsed on the floor, one hand still on his side, "I think- I- I think any sane person would say you're mental!! Merlin, you're not even trying anymore-"
"Listen. I can and will cut, drink, smoke and fuck this void away, but you don't get a single say in, Remus."
--
"Tsk tsk- again, Sirius?"
White walls surrounded him, and he felt so much better. He ran a hand over his side, breathing in relief when he realised Pomfrey hadn't healed the scars.
"Sirius dear, you had severe alcohol poisoning. This is the fourth time you've been in here for it- please, you can always talk to a trusted professor here- or me, or anyone…"
Madam Pomfrey looked like she aged another year with the pain of caring in her eyes.
"Dear, you're one of the brightest students in school. Please, don't throw your life away- I promise you it will get better, you just have to try-"
"I have been trying," he seethed through closed teeth, the words leaving a spiky, bitter taste in his throat. "Merlin's tits, no-one seems to care about that though, only everyone with their goddamn saviour complexes-"
"Well! If you're being like that, there's no point in me healing you, is there? If you're well enough to argue with someone who genuinely cares for you, you're welll enough to do your lessons. Come on, off you pop." Madam Pomfrey stared at him with a no-nonsense frown.
"No wait, Madam Pomfrey, come on-" Sirius pleaded, to be turned away not unkindly.
"If you get into anything like this again Sirius…"
She sighed, the weight of keeping students alive hanging on her shoulders.
"You know where I am."
"So… you're letting me keep the scars?"
"Even if you had wanted to have them disappear, it would take another three days of solid work. Best save us both the time here, dearie."
Sirius nodded, and headed back to the Room of Requirement. It was around quarter to four, judging by the great clock tower.
He was about to close the door when an owl swooped in and pecked him.
Blood turning to ice, he ripped the letter from the bird's beak, turning it over, trembling.
He knew that handwriting: it had practically been hexed into him.
Mother.
He walked into the Room, sitting on the bed and shaking.
Sirius.
I received word that you finally came to your senses and have regained some semblance of your honour by giving up that filthy half-breed and exposing it. The decision has been made: you will take the mark. You will not dissappoint this family once more. Our blood goes back centuries, and you are not to disgrace us with this foolish claims of love. It is time you take responsibility, and stop being an utter disgrace to the Noble name of our family. You will come back for summer, and will be welcomed back with open arms. All your sins forgiven.
If you do not return…
Remember, Sirius Orion, there are far worse fates than death.
-Wallburga, the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black
Bleeding together on the page and in his mind, the words and their meaningless meaning hit him with the full force of everything all at once.
The mark- the dark mark.
"This is it." he choked out, the sobs constricting his throat, his misery wrapping around his vocal chords like snakes.
Snakes. Slytherin. Mother. The Dark Mark.
This was true helplessness. If he went to James' home again… could he bear it? Would they let him back? Euphemia's kindness might spare him, but he couldn't bring himself to hurt her by housing him.
If he went back to Grimmauld Place… he knew what lied waiting for him, coiled and ready to strike.
Before he processed this, he was in the ensuite bathroom, hunched over and retching, sobbing violently, letting out tiny noises of pain- could he live like this?
If he did, he was damned. If he didn't he was damned.
How do you cope when all you love has been snatched away? How do you continue when continuing only brings pain?
In that moment, a decision was made.
--
Morning rose with Sirius from his blood-stained bed.
He got up.
He brushed his teeth.
He washed his face.
The mundaneness of an ordinary, healthy routine only highlighted the descent that he had fallen into.
Still, he guessed it was nice to look good while he lasted.
The Great Hall- a place he had not been to in ages. Today, the ceiling matched the good-tempered grey of the Scottish sky, wafting in a sense of calm to the people eating, idly chatting, and opening their post, with all the time and none of the care in the world.
"You're eating again." Remus commented.
They hadn't spoken to each other since the party.
"Yeah, might as well." Sirius replied off-handedly, grabbing a scone.
Some wizards were treated to a final meal before their death, he had heard. Sirius had long wondered what his would be- looks like his final breakfast was scones. Merlin he had missed these, debating with Pete about whether the jam or cream went on first, James and Remus sometimes putting in their opinions, other times telling them to shut up and help plan a prank.
Would his friends miss him like he missed them? Was it better that they didn't?
Somehow, a comfortable silence passed between the two, their first in ages- since the breakup, and maybe since the incident.
"Hey- nice to see you recovering. Or whatever, you eating breakfast is definitely a thing."
Merlin how he had missed the awkward wreck his Moony could be sometimes.
"Merlin's left nutsack do you seriously still put on the jam first?" he asked in mock annoyance, which sounded nearly real.
Sirius smiled ruefully, and moved on to putting the cream on. "And so? You're still on Wormy's side?"
"It's not about sides- the damn cream is heavier than the jam, it's like a base-" he inhaled sharply. "You're insufferable."
But the small curve of his lips betrayed him, as the brunet walked off with a 'see you 'n class.' Sirius' heart was slightly lighter- he'd die with a smile.
The note from Mother was burning a hole in his robe-pockets.
--
Where had the day gone? He had been wrestling with a Venomous Tentacula first-period Herbology, and now it was final period: Transfiguration.
His final class with Minnie, if he succeeded.
Sirius took notes at a relaxed pace, ignoring the homework set for next week.
The bell sounded, it's sweet sound signalling the end of the day.
"Hey, Professor?"
"Yes?"
"I just wanted to say…uhh…"
How would he phrase it without sounding obviously suicidal?
"Thank you, for uh- being like-"
How could he say what he needed to the woman who was a mother to him when Wallburga failed?
"Thank you," he started softly. "for being a- a great professor."
She smiled. "What's all this for?"
"I- I'm trying to be a better student, and- you really helped me. So… just thank you, really."
"Take care, Sirius. You're a bright student, when you apply your talents to studying as opposed to prank-pulling."
--
He couldn't bring himself to eat lunch that day.
--
Trudging up the many stairs to Gryffindor Tower, The Fat Lady gasped in surprise upon seeing him.
"OH LOOK WHO'S BACK?! JUST WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!!?" she yelled.
"Dragon Liver- and I've been nowhere but Hogwarts."
Swinging open, James and Peter greeted him, much to everyone's shock.
"You're back!" Peter cried, rushing over to hug him.
"Padfoot? Holy mother of Merlin it is you!" James laughed, incredulously.
"Listen, Wormy- Prongs- I have to tell you guys something, upstairs preferably."
"Uh, okay…"
James shrugged and marched up the stairs, Sirius and Peter following.
Flopping on his bed, Sirius nearly cried. He hadn't been back in so long, his bed was cold, and unfeeling- but goddamnit it was still his. He sat upright, closed his eyes, then faced the two.
"I'm sorry. For- for everything."
"You should be apologising to Moony if that's what th-" Prongs started, but was cut off.
"No, this goes further back than that. To you two: I am sorry. For every single time I fucked up too hard, and you had to pull me out, for all the times I was being a dick with no self-control. But- fuck why is this so difficult?" Sirius said.
"Hey- Pads, I forgive you for all that, okay? You're still one of my closest friends." Wormtail smiled.
"Shit- you fucked up a lot, Sirius." James faltered.
Silence.
"Yeah, I forgive you. You're still my brother, after all." Prongs added.
"Another thing- I wanted to thank you guys for- listening to me when I was dealing with stuff and- for constantly putting up with my bullshit, I want to give you all the thanks in the fucking world."
The trio hugged.
--
Remus. The final one who he needed forgiveness from.
It was dark on the 7th-floor corridor. The windows only gave way to the early night, and he nearly collided headfirst with the messy-haired boy.
"Oh. I was expecting you'd come out of there." Remus shrugged and turned to face him.
"You- were waiting for me?"
"Apparently you discussed some secret shit with James and Peter earlier- I was gonna ask what, they told me to ask you myself. Here I am."
Somehow the low light made him more gorgeous, his facial scars illuminated and his skin glowed, his freckles constellations God had carelessly spilled across his face with devotion to beauty.
"I was apologising to them."
A beat passed.
"And… fuck it- I'm here to apologise to you. Because- genuinely- I'm so-"
Dark grey eyes met crystallised amber.
"I'm sorry for everything, Remus."
Exhaling, Remus began to speak in a low tone.
"What you did to me- the Whomping Willow… it would take years for me to recover…"
"I'm so sorry for that-"
"Stop. Please. You- you cannot put on your 'I'm sorry' act, expect me to forgive you again, and- expect for us to go back to being- whatever!" Remus threw his hands up in a fit of emotion, as if this was all he had left to say in the world.
A pained expression lingered in his eyes as he whispered "You definitely could have done something, anything else."
He swallowed.
Sirius' breaths were coming heavily, pleading and panic in his eyes.
"So I can't forgive you, right now. For that? I'm sorry."
He didn't know what he was thinking, he didn't know if he was thinking- all he knew was suddenly, the sweet heat of Remus' breath was caught in his mouth, the lips hand-crafted for each other fitting together, they were pieces of a puzzle that had been thrown against walls but still worked. His greed, his desire for him enveloped the two, swallowing them whole as their spirits cried out to the world that could never have them be in love, truly.
Air danced around his flushed face, and with horror- he felt Remus pull away, the tender of his mouth still there.
"You're so selfish."
His love's voice shook with tears, as the guilt and the sickness of his actions set in.
Remus looked beseechingly into Sirius' eyes.
A shaky tremor of heartbreak, strong and true and hateful.
"How could you do this to me Sirius?"
Sirius ran.
Again.
Up to the tower where it all went downhill, or maybe if he wanted that he should have figured out where he was born. Sirius Orion Black the Third, disgrace and bad lover, selfish and horrific:
deserved to die.
Cool wind twirled across the sheen of sweat on his face. Looking up- they were there.
The stars had come to claim him for his death. Return to stardust.