Neutron Star
Another day in paradise, the restoration after nuclear fallout. No matter the hell of exams, the skies were as beautiful as possible for Scottish daytime, and he hadn't actively tried to kill himself since Remus found him! Life was amazing, or at least so much better than before.
Well. That's what Sirius tried to make himself believe.
Sometimes Moony slipped from him- to go speak to someone else, to go to a different lesson; his mind convulsed each time. In his heart, Sirius could feel Moony's love slipping away, like sand through his fingers that he tried so hard to keep. No matter how hard he tried to reach out. Every offer of sex was turned down, every late night conversation was getting shorter, and felt more like Remus was just done with Sirius' problems.
'He's just putting up boundaries, that's respectable, right??' he thought, every time something like that happened again.
Every kiss meant more, because they had gotten less and less frequent until it was weeks since the last time they kissed properly. Every "I love you" was met with "you too," in some variation.
It would have been utterly unbearable if his sanity was still intact.
Another day in hell, disguised as paradise, the radiation of jealousy poisoning him sweetly, a flower luring insects to their death.
Sirius really did not- could not- care though. As long as he still had Remus, no matter how thin the string that bound them together was, as long as he could still say that Moony was his? He'd be fine.
Those were his thoughts as he wandered the corridors, too late at night, just to give himself some peace, maybe.
He was walking aimlessly, mindlessly, jus- "OW!!" "Son of a motherfucking bitch-" he yelled quietly, his hoarse voice preventing him from being his usual loud self.
"Cousin-fucking, actually. She is an absolute and utter bitch though, you have that down right. Bonjour Sirius, what the fuck are you doing here?" the intruder's voice said, and Sirius knew that voice. He missed that voice.
"Oh Reggie, it's you. I- I could as- I could ask you the same thing- what the fuck are YOU doing here?? Especially this late at night??"
"I'm a prefect, strangely enough. You, on the other hand, are on active suicide watch." Regulus scoffed.
…
"Please tell me you weren't going to the Astronomy Tower."
There was something Sirius didn't recognise in that voice, something desperate.
"Reggie, no-"
"You're lying. Where were you going Siri? Back to the room? To cut yourself to bits again?"
"Reg please, I promise you I wasn't going to try again," Sirius pleaded.
His brother's charcoal-grey eyes darkened as they narrowed.
"If he hurts you again I'll kill him. I promise you that, mon très cher frère. I'll cut up his veins then wear them as bracelets. I'll take out his skull and display it back at the house, and I'll drink wine from it."
'the house', Sirius noted. Not home.
"Mother really raised us insane in two entirely different ways. Crazy that."
"Don't die. And… don't overdose or something." Regulus snapped, meeting a confused expression from Sirius.
"Je peux sentir les cigarettes sur toi d'ici. Fucking, don't."
Sirius watched as his brother turned away, almost mournfully, and walked off into the distance.
He missed him so much.
-
Another drag of the cigarette on the Astronomy Tower. 'They even put railings on the edge,' Sirius noticed, alongside the audible fizz of magic in the quiet night air. Probably to stop people like him.
"Sirius. Regulus. I will show you something."
Her voice was teeth on chalk, grating and horrible.
Wallburga had pointed to a man getting beaten on the streets. Regulus stood there, frozen and horrified, while Sirius had started preaching against it immediately.
"Mother, what are they doing to him?? Help him!!"
Back then he was young and unafraid, when he spoke his mind he couldn't calculate the amount of punishment he'd receive.
"Silence!! How dare you speak to me in that manner!!?"
She shook her head, and resumed her composure. "That man, if we can even call it that- is a disgrace. A faggot, and utterly psychotic."
"What did he do, Mother?" Even then, Regulus' voice was calm, a mask.
"He loves a man, as a man. This, children, is a disgusting act. He has been brainwashed, he is impure, and no better than a begrimed, blackened mudblood."
Sirius tried to look disgusted, but just couldn't.
"Look at his arms. Scarred and obscene- he gave himself those marks. Disgusting, and a coward."
Wallburga turned towards her children and spoke. Her words were like a dictator's.
"The ones beating him are good, holy even. If nothing, they are helping that filthy faggot achieve his suicidal, selfish dreams."
Sirius always remembered that day, and always remembered the wound on his back that came with it, he had needed professional medical attention after that. But when Wallburga had enough money to pay a Healer's rent 5 times over, who were they to question anything?
Rolling up his arm, he wondered - why DID he do this? No matter how many times anyone quizzed him on it, he never gave the correct answer. James had deduced that it was some sort of fucked-up coping mechanism-
"…causing physical pain on top of your mental pain?"
"No like- you focus on the physical pain and it makes the mental pain go away for a little while!"
"Sirius, the way to deal with this shit is to get help!! Not cut yourself!!"
That was a fun conversation. It still wasn't…strictly true, though.
As he pressed out another cigarette on his thigh, he wondered if maybe…maybe he just did this because he was insane. Because he liked seeing the blood drip down his arm in perfect scarlet beads.
Maybe he was too much of a coward to admit it, but it was exactly that. He belonged in St Mungo's, not here.
But for now, Sirius Orion Black toyed with the idea of being Sirius Orion Lupin, one day, and for now? He belonged in Remus' arms. His Moony.
Did ghosts sleep? Would they rat him out for sneaking through the castle? It was already 2am, judging by the massive clock.
Thoughts danced in his head as he whispered the password to the Fat Lady, waking her up, as he stepped through the portrait hole and into the Gryffindor common rooms, to the familiar sight of plush armchairs, a blazing fire, and a pissed-off looking stag, rat and Remus.
Wait what?
"Moony? Wormy, Prongs- what are you doing here-" he began, only to get cut off by a furiously quiet Remus.
"I could ask you the same exact thing!! It is, Padfoot, TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!! Cer i. grafu with your "I was just out late", Sirius. I- we'll talk about this later, okay? Now come upstairs, Wormy's already asleep as a rat and James…" he exploded, angery turning into vague confusion when he looked at James.
Remus reached over and poked his nose, causing the stag to transform into a human in an instant.
"Damnit Padfoot, whyy???" an annoyed voice from the floor mumbled.
"James- Moony poked your nose, not me."
"Oh…"
He blinked wearily before standing and announcing proudly "I'm goinna sleep," before getting himself up the stairs like an old fish out of water.
-
Sirius lay in his warm bed, too cold inside.
-
Sirius dreamed that night- of the day when marriage was legalised for people like him, and he dreamed of James as his best man.
-
"Morning love." Sirius smiled down at Remus, peacefully sitting on an armchair close to the open window.
"Morning, Sirius," the short response came.
"Did you forget- today's a Hogsmeade day!! We were gonna go together, 'member?" He smiled. This was one of the few things he had been looking forward to recently.
"About that- meet me near that cave at the edges of Hogsmeade when you go, okay?" Remus turned to face him and smiled.
"Uhh okay!" the reply came, getting more stagnant in the air as he said it.
Pressing a kiss to his love's hand, Sirius stumbled over to the Great Hall for breakfast- something that apparently he was supposed to be eating.
"Sirius! How are you darling?" Pandora's happy voice floated through the air.
'Wonder how she's so happy all the time', Sirius noticed. "Hell- Morning, Pando- Dora," Sirius shook his head in an attempt to shake off the cloud of stupidity that had taken place in his brain. "How are you? Going to Hogsmeade later?"
A wide smile fell upon her face.
"Oh my Merlin yes!! Apparently a new shop opened; eyeliner that looks like stars!! Here, if you're not busy with your…darling boyfriend-"
"Oi-" the retort materialised, but there was no real venom in it at all.
"Then you have to check it out with me. Pleeaasee?? I think it's got all kind of stuff- piercings too, Barty told me he snuck out and looked in the shop for a laugh with Evan, not even Merlin knows what they possibly were doing there…"
A genuine smile crossed Sirius' face, Pandora was such a rambler, he remembered that much from when she was taking care of him. She was so authentic about whatever she talked about, it wasn't remotely hard to see why she was sorted with the other intelligent dreamers in Ravenclaw.
"and someone started a rumour that Peeves was making blowjob jokes in the dungeons- You're not listening to me!!" she gasped, mock-offense clear.
"Sorry Dora, maybe I do need breakfast- love talking to you though, see you!" He beamed then walked off, grabbing a singular slice of toast. Better than nothing, he guessed.
The rest of the day was filled with him finishing off his homework due in the next two weeks- look at him, being productive - and waiting anxiously for the minute he could go to Hogsmeade. The days were so boring without being high in classes, they dragged on so long he was sure he probably could have pulled off the biggest prank ever if he had the motivation.
The moment.
"Hello love," Sirius said, leaning on the cave wall.
"Hey Padfoot. Look uhh- I wanna start thisby saying- I'm sorry for like- yelling at you yesterday, I was being an arse about it. Sorry."
"No- Moony seriously, I was being a bitch, sneaking off without telling you, and- I was in the wrong here, okay? Not you, never you. I'm sorry."
"Well…apology accepted?" Remus commented, hesitatingly.
"Soo, can I hold your hand? I haven't done that properly in ages, then let's go to this new shop, Pandora was telling me about it-"
The brunette motioned for his boyfriend's hand; it was declined.
"Sirius… I want to start by saying that nothing I'm about to say is your fault, okay?"
Oh.
Oh.
No.nonono.
Dread, his longest connection. Sinking slowly into his shoes, slithering its cold, clammy grasp into his heart, reaching for his thoughts, forcing him to contort his mind into a kneel at the altar of terror.
"Darling- what?"
Tremors made themselves known throughout his voice.
"We need to go on a break."
...
too
...
many
...
thoughts
"no."
Small, insignificant, one syllable; but it was all he could physically muster at that moment. He couldn't say the flurry of words going through his mind, his mouth moved but no sound came out.
"W h a t. does that even mean?" Dark, hearthstone-brown eyes flooded with unspoken things as they darted around the cave for a sign.
"It means- we just need space, okay? I need space. Just- no dating other people, and we can talk, of course, but more… as friends, more casually?" Remus ran a beautifully scarred hand through his perfect hair, sighing madly. "But- I'm always here for you should you need to talk, or if you like- majorly relapse."
If he heard that last part, Sirius couldn't care less. He ran through Hogsmeade, not caring who saw him, until he found James and Peter at the Three Broomsticks.
"Prongs, Wormtail- help me."
"What the- Pads, you look terrible, what the fuck happened to you??" Peter exclaimed, before clasping a hand to his mouth and checking if anyone heard that.
He recounted the entire tale, then passed out on the table.