"What do you think?" George asked, grinning mischievously.
Ron stared at the little cloth doll, decorated with orange felt and a smattering of freckles.
"That's not how you make a sex doll, George, but I will admit he's damn handsome. People will love it," Ron snarked back.
George 's grin grew.
"Yeah, but it needs one more thing."
"What's that?"
"FLIPENDO!" George shouted, knocking Ron into a display case.
***
Harry had once told Ron that the actual events were never as epic as the stories made them out to be, and he had discovered that the hard way after the war.
The Prophet seemed content to put their own little twists on the Trio's lives, something Harry and Hermione were used to, and Ron wishing he was once again exempt and relegated to the background.
Sure, there were the usual updates, Ron and Harry joining the Auror program, Hermione returning to Hogwarts to mentor under McGonagall, but the main focus was on the Trio's Love Lives.
Harry and Hermione were old hat, played out. So the Prophet paired Hermione with Ron, speculating on the sweet, tender, budding romance of the Chosen One's Best Friends, together through thick and thin.
Real life, of course, had been nowhere near as interesting. They had their mutual, but dramatic pining during their 6th year. And yeah, they had kissed during the Battle of Hogwarts, an adrenaline filled Talisman to protect them against Death, to prove to the World that they were still alive amongst the carnage.
And while both had agreed it was a nice kiss, that's all it was, nothing more. They both came away from the kiss stronger and with a better understanding of themselves and each other.
His mother had only asked about them as a couple once. Ron braced himself for the worst, explaining that Hermione at this point was more like a sister. His mother surprised him by accepting his words.
"You two were always ill matched for each other. Always arguing. Nothing wrong with a good argument between couples, but it can't be all there is, Ronald. You two together, you'd fight from dawn til dusk, and that's not the way to live."
Ron gaped at her, open mouthed.
"But if she stops coming to Sunday dinner because you made it awkward, I am not above sending you Howlers at work!"
There it was.
However, this hasn't been an issue. Hermione still came round, happy as can be. They were more mature, they were friends. It was always good to catch up.
When the Prophet realized the romance wasn't going anywhere, they scrambled to find a way to keep the paper relevant by adding drama. Who was to blame for the breakup? Ron had been their main target. After work Butterbeers with Harry? Ron was obviously downing fire whiskey by the barrel full and Hermione was sick of his drunken antics. Get spotted waving politely to Luna in Diagon Alley? He was a womanizer, Hermione was sick of his wandering eye.
Hermione, it was hard to dig up dirt on a woman who spent the majority of her time at Hogwarts learning from the strictest headmistress the school has seen. It tapered down for a few months, Ron glad for the silence.
Then the Prophet caught Hermione leaving St. Mungo's.
She had been visiting Snape, this was no surprise to Ron or Harry. She and saved him in the Shrieking Shack, throwing everything in her beaded bag from her dittany stores to Ron's old jeans to stop the bleeding, only succeeding when her panicked mind started rummaging through Snape's pockets, finding a bezor and a vial of phoenix tears.
He survived, barely.
And Hermione, who always had the most respect for the git, would visit him and read muggle literature. When Snape awoke, he would kick her out each time, and each time she would stubbornly go back. Ron knew better than anyone once Hermione had her mind set on something, that was it.
Snape had eventually been released, and Hermione, undeterred, had written to him. Short, little missives (at least, for Hermione) asking how he was doing. She got terse, one word answers back, most reading "Fine" (which no one believed), the longest response reading "Fuck off, Granger" before bursting Into flames.
Ron asked why she bothered with Snape, he was an arsehole. Hermione, stubborn as always, had simply replied "He sacrificed so much. He needs a friend".
It had eventually worked. Snape started sending her two word messages, unprompted, out of the blue one day, then paragraphs. He would ask for her ideas, sometimes asking for advice, or riddles to keep her "mind sharp from the dunderheads you call 'friends'". Hermione had been absolutely thrilled and her smile, when she received Snape's letters, was radiant.
After months of back and forth, Hermione revealed she was meeting Snape for a potion gathering trip somewhere in Canada. Ron's first thought has been "Gross" quickly followed by "I always said she'd marry her homework if she could. Looks like that's coming true. Fuck, I should've paid more attention in Divination."
It made sense, in an odd way.
The Prophet found it made perfect sense and started speculating on Hermione and Snape's relationship through Hogwarts and why Hermione had always been such a star student, then somehow simultaneously blamed their relationship for Ron's drinking and womanizing and Ron's drinking and womanizing as the cause of their relationship.
As with most things, the Prophet grew bored with the couple and eventually moved on to their next trashy tale. The couple was happy, Hermione excitedly telling the boys about a rare book Severus (it would always be "Snape" to Ron) had gotten her, and that was good enough for both Ron and Harry to know Hermione was loved and treated right by the surly dungeon bat...
Then Ginny and Harry broke up.
It was a boring reason. Ginny was going to play Quodpot in the States and even wizards knew long distance relationships were difficult. They loved each other, but life happened.
The Prophet now painted Ron as an overprotective brother, someone who wouldn't let his best friend, the savior of the Wizarding World no where near his sister. That angle lasted a week because it lacked drama, and they changed Ron into the jealous friend who was secretly in love with Harry Potter!
When Ron and Harry had read this in the Prophet, Ron immediately shouted, in a perfect imitation of Hermione "That's it! I'm subscribing to The Quibbler! At least SOME of Xeno's stories are based on fact!" While Harry laughed his arse off.
"It's still better than some of their other speculations," Harry snorted, wiping away tears.
Harry, ultimately, had a point, because even while dating Ginny the paper had paired him from former classmates (Parvati) to girls he never exchanged more than 2 words with (Hannah Abbot) to his professors (Sprout) to magical creatures (Firenze) to most recently Draco Malfoy.
Malfoy, however, Hermione and Ron privately agreed the Prophet may have actually reported correctly on that.
Since the war, Harry had a "live and let live" attitude and was doing his best to mend bridges and spread goodwill, the foremost being Malfoy.
Harry bitched at first. Malfoy was snooty, Malfoy was a prick, Malfoy didn't know shit outside his little magical bubble.
But it has evolved.
Malfoy's great at herbology, you should see the plants he grows at the Manor, Malfoy has an eye for business, he wants to open a flower shop, Draco knows his Quidditch, we're going to see a Pride of Portree play on Sunday.
Another odd little couple that somehow made sense, like Hermione and Snape.
Ron didn't escape scrutiny here either, the Prophet speculating where he fit into this relationship. Ron was homophobic, Ron didn't want Harry dating someone he secretly had a crush on, Ron (again!) wanted Harry to himself.
"It's amazing Harry and Hermione haven't gone mad," Ron said to Demelza over breakfast one day.
Their relationship was still fairly new, Ron knew her from school and from the Quidditch team his 6th year. They had run into each other leaving the ministry one day, where she worked in Magical Sports and Games. Ron asked her a quick question about the Cannons, which then became a whole conversation about Quidditch, and ended with Ron asking her out for a drink.
Demelza, as evident from her time as a Gryffindor Chaser, wasn't the type to be star struck or intimidated by fame. She has a good natured laugh whenever Ron was transformed into a jealous ghoul. She didn't seem to mind the Howlers either, and the two of them would keep a tally of the most creative insults or snark back at the Howlers for their own amusement.
But Ron was tired. It always came back to him. Ron the Jealous Ex, Ron the Bad Friend, Ron the Problem. Ron who broke Hermione's/Harry's/Lavender's/Draco's/ Lockhart's/ Grawp's heart. People who would stop him on the street to ask about the rumors. To accuse him or try to hex him.
Had he known how much attention he would receive, he confided to George one rare Sunday dinner where Hermione (with Snape) and Harry (with Malfoy) were absent, he would have slapped his younger self stupid and told him to enjoy the anonymity and how easy it was to be the 6th Wesley child and how simple it was to be considered "Harry Potter's Friend". Auror training wasn't holding his attention either, he never had the patience for waiting like Harry or gathering information and retaining it like Hermione.
George, in a rare display of brotherhood, listened without judgement and invited him to visit Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes the following Saturday. Ron had hoped maybe this would a nice change of pace, maybe George would invite him into the business. A quiet life.
He should have known with George it was never that simple.
***
"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. What the FUCK, George!?"
"Perfect," George said, waving his wand. Ron saw his "Ow's" materialize and then transfer over to the little doll on the table.
"Sorry," George smirked. "It had to be real."
"What had to be real!?" Ron demanded.
"Your pain! Behold, the newest Weasley Wizarding Wheezes' product: Ron Bashing!"
"Ron what?"
"Ron Bashing! People hate you, Ronniekins, for a variety of reasons, and hate sells! I got the idea from those Muggle Voodoo Dolls, except you won't feel a thing".
George pulled out a small plastic mallet and gave the Ron Doll a smash. "Ow!" Mimicked the Ron Doll.
"Ron Bashing. Comes with actual mallet, which," George pressed a button on the mallet "Can transform into scissors, and" another click "A knife. Take out your frustrations on the Orange Friend, the heartbreaker, the bastard of the Golden Trio! All Ron Bashing Dolls are self repairing, self cleaning, and the mallet will not hurt anyone except the doll! The only limit to his pain is your imagination"
"George, I thought you called me here for something serious!" Ron demanded.
"Well obviously I'm going to give you half the profits we receive from the doll, it's your image after all. And I wanted it to be the special edition item when I open our Hogsmade location, which I'd like for you to run."
Ron gaped.
"Well?" George asked.
"Have the mallet transform into a beater's bat too".
"Done!"