tears are the words the mouth can’t say nor can the heart bear
James
To his surprise, a heavy blow slams against the side of his head. His vision floods to white as his body slumps onto the hard floor. Someone has just made a grave, grave mistake. He laughs drily into his elbow as he runs a hand over his face and into his hair, forcing himself up until he’s kneeling in front of his attacker. He doesn’t quite know who he was expecting but the person he sees certainly isn’t a shock. Slowly his hand snakes behind his back reaching aimlessly for his own weapon. After what feels like a lifetime, his fingers curl around just what he was looking for. Not breaking eye contact once with the person who stands before him, he slowly reveals it to them, a wicked smile carving onto his face at the same time theirs darkens. They stare into each other’s merciless eyes, waiting impatiently for the other to make the first sudden movement, the first cue to let the battle commence. James is in a pillow fight. And shit’s about to get serious.
He shifts quickly backwards so he’s crouching on his toes and launches himself forward into the absolute fool who really thought they could win in a pillow fight against James Potter. He knocks them down to the floor, landing gracefully beside them, dragging his pillow along with him. He strikes it across their head. Again. Again. Again. Again, until their muffled giggles and cries for help turn slightly more forced. He lifts his pillow, uncovering a flustered yet smiling Lily Evans with her ginger hair severely dishevelled. They’re both panting as they sit up, staring at each other for a few beats, catching their breath and regaining energy before descending into fits of laughter. Yet another victory– James makes a mental note to record that in his notebook back home that he’s kept since he was a small child specifically for pillow fight battle results and techniques.
“Hey, don’t kill my girlfriend, Potter,” Mary calls out loudly from across the room. James grins as he swivels his head around to meet her disapproving gaze. He holds up his hands innocently.
“She attacked me first! Self defence!” He exclaims, to which she just shakes her head and resumes her very serious looking discussion with Remus and Dorcas about who should be where and sleeping on what in the room they will all be staying in tonight.
Marlene and Sirius suddenly walk into his view and flop themselves down on either side of Lily, Sirius splaying his legs across James' in the process. Sirius turns to Lily, looking into her eyes with a blank, untelling face of his own.
“Never start a pillow fight with James,” He says, shaking his head slowly, without breaking eye contact nor character. She giggles, shaking her head too, “Ever,” He adds which only makes her laugh harder. Sirius stays staring at her for a couple more seconds, not letting an ounce of emotion display on his face until he cracks a smile, turning away. In the pocket of his jeans, James feels his phone buzz against his leg, the sound muffled by material. Regulus, he thinks and repeats the man’s name over and over in his mind until he genuinely can’t take it anymore. If he checks his phone now, Sirius will ask or peep at his screen which he is normally fine with as he would do the exact same to him except he just can’t have Sirius seeing this specific notification. He really can’t stand the idea of being confined in the same room as Sirius with him ignoring him all night just because he's only gone and dated his little brother. And so, he stands, mumbling something quickly about the toilet and needing it. He does actually go into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and leaning against it as he draws his phone from his pocket, heart hammering in his chest. The butterflies in his stomach flutter at the sight of Reg’s name lighting up his screen. He thinks again about how not seeing Regulus is genuinely having an effect on him. He opens the message and types out a reply. To his surprise and excitement, Regulus responds immediately and god it feels good to have a real-time conversation with him. It’s almost like Regulus is there standing opposite from him, arms folded and a stupid little smirk on his face as he makes a snarky remark about Sirius or one of his friends. Almost.
(18:56) reg❤️: ur staying overnight in a coffee shop? that’s ridiculous
(19:01) james: yeahh it sounds a bit weird but i think i made some new friends so it's actually been a lot of fun so far
(19:01) any hot guys i should know about
(19:02) just remus but i think your brother has taken him already sorry
(19:02) sigh. if only i had a hot brunette boyfriend of my own
(19:03) if only….
(19:04) are you okay though, i know the paparazzi isn’t easy
He pauses, he hadn’t realised he’d been distracting himself from what happened until Regulus mentions it. He takes a second and actually assesses himself, is he okay? The answer is yes - mostly. James is admittedly a little shaky and feels a bit off-balance, not quite normal. Which is a feeling he has never quite grown used to, no matter how familiar it is now. Other than that, he is perfectly fine. Right as rain. The last thing he wants is for Regulus to worry, and so he types out something to him that’s certainly not a lie, in fact it’s practically the truth.
(19:06) yeah i'm fine i swear
i mean obviously i'm a little shaken up but nothing i'm not used to yk
(19:07) as long as you promise you're fine
you shouldn’t have to be used to it james
i hate that i'm never there when it happens
(19:08) i promise reg
awww you want to protect me
my heart is literally melting
(19:09) shut up or i'll literally never say anything nice again
(19:09) oh reallyyy
ugh i miss you sososososo much
(19:09) i miss you more
(19:10) literally not possible
(19:10) i think it is
(19:10) are you sure
like CONFIDENT about that
(19:11) absolutely.
(19:11) i've failed as a boyfriend.
cries
sobs alone in the bathroom of a random coffee shop
(19:12) okay do NOT make me come down there
did i really just participate in an 'i miss you more' 'no more i miss YOU more' argument?
(19:12) imagine sirius’ face hahaahah
i think you did..
(19:12) what have you done to me seriously james
speaking of my idiot brother, when do you plan on telling him about us
ew why does that sound weird
(19:13) hahaahha
yeahh idk defo not whilst we’re here but when we get back to london i'll sit down with him idk
(19:14) james.
(19:14) I PROMISE I WILL bc all this sneaking about is getting real boring
(19:15) yes i love hiding in your bathroom for three hours when he comes over unannounced
without my phone or ANYTHING
(19:15) that was ONE time
anyway yes i promise i'll tell him
i think i have to go now otherwise sirius will think i have diarrhoea and make fun of me for a week again (never shutting up about that, it was TORTURE)
TORTURE REG
(19:16) ah yes i remember that
sorry not sorry
bye i love you
(19:17) byeeee i love youu
James shuts off his phone with a click and sighs, closing his eyes and imagining, just for a second, that when he steps out of the bathroom he’ll magically be transported back into his house and Regulus will be tangled up in his sheets, hair mussed and still asleep when he opens the door. Instead he forces his eyes open to the harsh reality of not having seen Regulus in two weeks, or even heard his voice. Well. Sometimes he likes to explore the hidden album of his camera roll with all the pictures and videos he has of Reg and press his phone against his ear just to listen to his voice - it's strangely soothing, actually. It’s in moments like these when he regrets ever telling Sirius his password. It's in moments like these when he regrets every opportunity he's passed up over the years to tell Sirius everything. The guilt he's been carrying around is beginning to feel insurmountable for the first time in a long time. It's always been hard, but never quite this hard. He swallows down the lump threatening to form at the back of his throat and pushes the button to flush the toilet, then running the sink water shortly after. One thing about James is that he will never do a performance by half. If he is going to pretend to go to the bathroom, he sure as hell is going to make it believable. His parents put him in acting classes and such when he was growing up but really sports has always been where his heart is. After years and years of relentless training and working his way up through various teams and leagues since he was young, he's the extremely proud captain of the Gryffindor Lions football team. Next year, he’s set to be accepting a contract to play for the country in the European Championship, but until then when he’s not training with his team, or seeing Regulus, he’s running off with Sirius to places like these, which isn’t very often. He tries to force his mind to drift from football and his players, knowing otherwise the familiar ache he finds himself feeling so often when he's off the pitch will surface in his chest, only leaving when he's running after a ball on some form of grass, which, unfortunately, he isn't quite able to do right now.
He opens the door, heart feeling heavy. Talking with Regulus should have brightened his mood, and it did, momentarily, but really it just made him miss him more. As he walks down the hallway, he fixes his pitiful expression into a small smile that feels so fake it pushes him closer to tears than he was before. Usually he doesn’t bother to hide his emotions around Sirius, if he really wants to cry, he will. Except if Sirius was to ask him what's wrong he wouldn’t know what to say and he certainly doesn’t want to create a scene for no reason. And so, he strides back into the room with his uncomfortable mask of faux happiness stuck firmly onto his face and sits back down with the others. Fake it 'til you make it. As he looks across at him, he wishes more than anything to tell Sirius everything. This secret is hurting James now more than ever. To put his mind at ease he reassures himself that he will absolutely talk to Sirius the very second they return to London. This works to disperse some of his sadness and guilt, leaving him feeling slightly lighter than before. He chimes in with a joke in the conversation unfolding around him, earning a few laughs. He’ll be okay.
* * *
Sirius
He turns his phone over, slightly more forcefully than he probably should have, after seeing the name of his manager light up his screen for the third time in the past ten minutes. Sirius exhales slowly through his nose and attempts to calm himself before tuning back into Remus’ storytelling of how he moved to Australia for six months alone, declared he hated sand and spiders and got straight onto the first flight available, never looking back. Sirius nods along and smiles as he meets Remus’ lit up eyes. He even almost forgets all about his ass of a manager, his parents, the paparazzi and all of their collective obnoxiousness until a white glow reflecting off the floor and outlining his phone catches the corner of his eye. He lets out a low growling noise which he wasn’t even sure he was capable of, causing Remus to freeze, hands pausing mid-gesture in the air, and several sets of concerned eyes to turn on him. This makes him want to growl even more, his manager has done enough damage to his life but now he’s messing with Remus’ storytelling? He just can’t tolerate this.
He snatches his phone from where it once laid beside him and only just resists the urge to fling it out of the nearest window.
“Excuse me,” He says, already on his feet with his back turned away from the others, a lethal edge wrapping around his words. He waits a beat for his manager to inevitably attempt to call him again.
“Sirius?” He hears Lily try cautiously from behind him. He hates how people think they have to tread lightly around him just because he’s somewhat of a celebrity, as if he feels emotions differently to a normal person because he got lucky once singing when he was a teenager. He doesn’t reply to her and instead punches the accept button branded across the bottom of his screen.
“What the fuck do you want now?” He snaps as soon as the line connects, not giving the cruel old man he knows is sitting miserably on the other side a chance to speak.
“Sirius, have you looked at the news headlines recently?” His cold voice slithers through Sirius' ear. Why would he look at the news headlines? An uneasy pool of dread surfaces in his stomach.
“What do you think?” He huffs, the flames of anger once blazing through his mind now dampened by confusion. He receives a heaving sigh as a response. Sirius pauses for a few seconds, expecting an explanation to follow, though is only met with silence. He is about to start shouting down the phone when Karkaroff speaks again.
“I think you should take a look,”
Sirius’ eyebrows draw together into a frown. He swipes hastily onto one of the three news apps his lawyer insists he keeps. Panic and horror blended up into one terrible smoothie pours into his stomach as he takes in the page he’s greeted with as soon as he logs onto his account.
‘Fans left shocked at popstar Sirius Black new paparazzi photos’
‘Sirius Black: Who is he really?’
'Popstar Sirius Black and Gryffindor Lions Captain James Potter: a worrying pair'
‘Sirius Black spotted in small countryside town Godric's Hollow - fans ask why’
He should have known better than to actually believe that those photos would be gone for good just because he asked someone nicely. The world doesn’t work like that, he’s had that mindset forged into him since he was old enough to ask his mother to stop hitting him. Of course the one time he goes against it it doesn’t work out for him.
He isn’t aware he’s stopped breathing until it feels as if he’s suffocating. As soon as his manager uttered the words ‘celebrity news’ and ‘headline’ it felt as if his throat was closing up and everything else in the universe except him, his manager and his phone had been numbed and blacked out because oh– oh, a part of him knew what was happening as soon as his ringtone rang out for the second time that day. He just locked up that part of himself into a box and shoved it far down enough that he could pretend it neither existed nor was right. Déjà vu washes over him in a wave so powerful it nearly takes his body with it - which is slightly concerning considering it’s just a feeling - and he resents with a fucking passion the fact that he’s been in this exact position before, enough times that he feels like screaming into a mirror to fucking get it together and actually keep the promise he makes to himself every time that he won’t end up like this again. He never listens. To make matters worse, it’s only himself he can hold at fault. He can’t pin the blame on the public or the press or even his fucked up family, if he just did what he was told for once in his bloody life, he wouldn’t have landed himself– or James, for that matter, in this situation in the first place. All the headlines sting as he reads them, but the third one stings a little more. James is a celebrity of sorts, just like Sirius is, except they are two different types of celebrities. For example, if you were to open any sort of Europe-based football app or website or news blog, James would be on the cover, with or even without his team, and if you were to open any sort of music streaming platform, you would see Sirius' songs and albums ranked rather highly in playlists titled 'top 40 for this week'. Backlash will hit from both of their worlds after these photos are widely spread, but James is the one whose career is really on the line, not Sirius. You can't really fire a singer, but you can, of course, fire a footballer. From their club, from their team, from ever being hired in the area of sport again. It's not like James will get fired for this, but it's also not like this is the first time this has happened. Which leads neatly back to why Sirius is often caught feeling as though he's a sinking ship, gradually dragging James further down with him with every piece of bad press that is released on him because if it wasn't for Sirius he'd have none.
“I apologise, Sirius, we attempted to buy the photos before they were released except the monthly budget for these occasions had already been spent, unfortunately.” Karkaroff’s words hang heavy in his ears, also helpfully reminding him that he's just gone and given some bastard journalist a load of his money for no fucking apparent reason. At least the man has the decency to seem slightly sincere.
“We–we got them removed,” His voice is faint to match his head, which is currently being overridden by the chaotic train of thoughts rushing full-steam ahead through his brain.
“Clearly not - though I do not see how you would have managed that anyway,” Karkaroff muses with a humorous air to his words, suggesting he finds the very idea of Sirius thinking he could accomplish anything on his own simply ridiculous. The weight of a hand on his shoulder reels him right back to reality. He blinks a couple of times, then squeezes his eyes shut forcefully and back open again. As if he’s pressed a reset button on his body, he finds his senses sharp, his vision clear and his thoughts slightly more sane and organised.
He whips around to see everyone crowded behind him in a kind of semi circle shape. When they got there? He honestly couldn’t tell you. He locks into James’ sad gaze and that is all the reminder he needs to find his previous urge to set the world on fire.
“You know,” He says into the phone held against his ear, voice eerily calm compared to the anger crashing through his veins. “I bet you wouldn’t even try and get the photos down if we had the fucking monthly budget!” His voice gradually raises and sharpens into a shout by the end of his sentence. The hysteria he’s been guarding close to his chest all day must have finally hit breaking point because he actually begins to laugh. The people he’s facing look at him with a new expression. One of concern, confusion and possibly a hint of fear. He doesn't care, it's just even more kindling for his blazing fire, the flames licking at his every word. “Well guess the fuck what, you are one of the most fucking sick people I know and I know a lot of fucking sick people! Isn’t that a lovely award to win, must feel great, to know you’ve been ruining my life since I was sixteen. Sixteen fucking years old!” Pent up rage he’s been storing away ever so carefully from the past seven years gushes out of him in those last words. His voice sounds so raw and upset and loud in his own ears that his cheeks are suddenly wet because he’s waited years to be able to scream this exact thing to this exact person. His therapist would be so proud. Karkaroff begins to say something but Sirius will never find out what since he slams his finger into the hang up button and tosses his phone onto the nearest table with a clatter.
Silence. He stands there with tears streaming down his face, feeling smaller than ever and such intense emotions pushing against his chest that a choked sob escapes his mouth before he can catch it. James practically launches himself into Sirius, wrapping his arms around him so tightly he doesn’t think he could move if he wanted to. Face buried safely in the warmth of his jumper, he allows his emotions to run free. James unwinds his arms from around Sirius, though only to use his hands to take off his glasses and swipe at his own eyes since apparently he’s crying now too. Sirius turns his head a bit and the sight he’s met with absolutely devastates him, shockingly more than anything else he has to be upset about. Remus is watching him with his eyes red rimmed and wet, a single tear gliding down his freckled cheek. Oh. His heart aches horribly in his chest. Despite his own current emotional state, Sirius desperately wants more than anything to cradle his head, wipe that tear away and ensure that it will never resurface on his face again. Theoretically, he could, except he thinks a romantic gesture such as that would truly send his remaining sanity out the window at the moment. Instead, he tugs Remus into a hug - which he decided wouldn’t tip him over the edge since they have actually hugged before. It’s pleasantly surprising, how Sirius startlingly realises amidst the haze of sadness clouding his senses how perfectly their bodies fit with one another. As if they’re two pieces in a jigsaw, they were built to go together from the start.
The girls all start to cry soon after until it’s just one ridiculous group hug between all of them. All seven of them stay like that for a while, one great big tangled sobbing mess. It's safe to say emotions are running high in the coffee shop this evening. For the second time that night, Sirius thinks to himself that if someone was to just walk in at this moment they would all look quite mad. It's okay though because they're all looking mad for him, and his heart swells at that idea.
Half an hour later, Remus and Mary have made seven cups of tea and they’re all lounging on a few sofas back in the break room, each of them chatting whilst pretending to watch some movie on Dorcas’ laptop. Sirius, still feeling a little wrung out and delicate, glances over at James, expecting to see him laughing or talking with Marlene as he seems to be so often and is surprised to see he’s staring at his phone with a frown, worrying his bottom lip absent-mindedly. This is an unusual occurrence, as far as Sirius is aware– and Sirius is very much aware. He contemplates striding over to where he’s sitting and pestering him until he tells him what’s wrong. He doesn’t. After all, James has just had some pretty scary pictures of himself broadcasted across the internet for all to see, he probably has just received a worried message from his Mum. Effie can be terrifying when she fears for someone’s safety - especially when it happens to be her own child’s. As he had found out the hard way after being adopted into her care when he was sixteen and forgetting he didn’t have much reason to disappear for days at a time anymore. Hard to break the force of habit. He quite bravely decides to finally check his own phone, silently praying it’s not shattered after he rather regrettably threw it earlier. Sure enough, he lifts it and grimaces to see a few jagged cracks dividing the previously immaculate screen, though it’s still perfectly usable - thank god. Just as he suspected, a painstakingly long scolding text from Effie takes up most of his lockscreen. That explains James’ pouting face then. Though now it’s his turn to pout as he reads through the extensive list of reasons on why Effie apparently shouldn’t have allowed him to move out of her house in the first place. He replies with a rather exaggerated apology message and a promise that yes he is fine and yes he will stay out of trouble and yes he will be round for dinner on Sunday. Watching his phone turn off feels strangely like a closing statement for the day’s former events. A new era born as he sets it face down on the table and turns with a small smile to where Lily and Dorcas are bickering good naturedly beside him. Three months, he repeats in his head like if he thinks it enough times and hard enough maybe it will come quicker. If he's waited this long to be rid of his everlasting burden named Igor Karkaroff, he can wait a little longer. It will be okay, he reassures himself. He’ll be okay.