football is much more than just a game
James
James stares at a message left from Regulus that unfurls a rather horrible feeling in his chest.
(20:13)reg❤️: james you promised everything was fine. those pictures don’t fucking look ‘fine’. i always want you to be honest with me, and you know that. that includes letting me know how bad of a day you’ve had instead of taking advantage of the fact i’m not there to see you in real life and playing your feelings down to convince me (and yourself) that your experience was nothing out of the ordinary. all i want is for you to be okay and i know you don’t want me worrying but too fucking bad because i care about you. it's more painful for me to find out about this kind of thing from the internet than you just telling me, especially when we literally texted earlier. i am more upset for you than i am at you and so i am telling you that just because i’m forgiving you doesn’t mean you can ever lie to me again. all i want is to be there with you and have this conversation with you in person but unfortunately this is the best i can do for now. please talk to me and be honest.
Each sentence is another knife stabbed into him, another reason to want to keel over at the shockingly painful truth so plainly written out for him to read. He knows well enough that he needed to hear everything Regulus said, even if it hurts a little at the moment. And for that he is so very grateful Regulus is as understanding as he is. If he had lost him over his own stupidity he simply wouldn’t forgive himself. He thinks his body would just shut down because Regulus is as much a part of him as his beating heart or his brain. The absolute last thing he would ever wish upon is him being in pain in any way possible, that’s what makes it so horrifying knowing he has caused him to feel hurt when all he only ever wanted to do is the opposite. In retrospect, letting Regulus know the extent of just how bad those photos look would have been better than him finding out himself from a random post off the internet. He might have even done just that, except he didn’t expect Regulus— or anyone for that matter—to see those pictures since they had supposedly gotten them deleted. Guess not, though.
Regulus somehow knows him better than he knows himself as he was admittedly attempting to convince the both of them that his day was quite normal, though it certainly didn’t feel like it. He wants to punch himself in the face for it– he sure as hell deserves it. He isn’t completely confident he was aware of what he was doing at the time, though he certainly is now. James runs a hand over his face and exhales slowly. He knows lying about his emotions to Regulus was a mistake and wasn’t beneficial to either of them, and yet he still has the relentless urge to tell him it wasn’t really all that bad and that he’s feeling fucking fantastic, stuck in the middle of nowhere when all he wants is to return back to his routinely life in London. Of course a rather dominant part of him thrives on the spontaneity and excitement of times like these, but that never comes without the ache in his chest for his apartment, his parents, Regulus, football, his team; he even finds himself longing for the crowded streets flooded with a balanced mix of excitable, ogling tourists and miserable, ever so slightly aggressive office workers, which is something he’d never thought he’d miss. Something resting in the more darker depths of his mind screams in protest at the truth he forces his fingers to type out in his reply. Ignoring it, he speaks from his heart this time.
(20:29) james: truthfully i’m not even sure i knew what i was doing when i was telling you it was all fine, i know thats no excuse, and it isn’t one, but i don’t think i’d do something that i know would hurt you consciously. either way i’m so sorry, thank you for being so understanding even though you totally had the right not to be. i think i should explain that me and sirius thought we had gotten the photos down and gone from the internet after messaging the first person who posted them to delete them, but that obviously didn’t work, which i didn’t know until half an hour ago when sirius checked a news app and found out. if i hadn’t of fully believed you or anyone else wouldnt see the pics then i think i would have at least given you a heads up and an explanation, otherwise im a total asshole haha. today was like a rollercoaster of emotions and the paparazzi was way way worse than normal and it just terrified me seeing sirius panicking like that and then having to literally force us into a random building to get away is just a shit thing to have to do in the first place. really i am ashamed of how im portrayed in those photos, it makes me quite scared actually that i can act like that and now everyone i know will only see the worst version of myself whenever they look at me; that thought scares me the most. i think that’s why i didn’t want to believe the day had gone as it did because if i did then that means that it’s true that i really am capable of acting like that and it's not even something i can hide now. i just want to be happy and normal and at home and for everyone else to be happy but none of that seems to be happening today haha anyway i'm sorry about everything really, especially being away and all that, i hope you know that i genuinely ache for your company rn, like its affecting me reg. i was getting rlly excited over you literally just texting me earlier, which actually i would do anyway but you get the point. sorry bit off track there, this is a bit of a long paragraph but i hope you know i mean every word of it
Tears prick at his eyes, blurring his vision as he reads back through what he’s written and hits the send button. He blinks rapidly and swallows down the lump forming in his throat harshly, determined not to cry about this here, with Sirius sitting on the sofa opposite him. James and Regulus, thankfully, learnt the hard way over years of miscommunication that to solve a problem between them they need to talk it through honestly and thoroughly until they are both satisfied with the solution. Sometimes, it's difficult for James. He doesn’t much like talking about his more negative feelings as it means he’ll have to address that they’re there inside of him. He much prefers to go about pretending he’s happy, putting on a show for everyone around him– he never really forgot those acting classes. Of course he can’t go on like that forever, much to his annoyance, and so every so often he just crashes and ends up unscrewing the cap on all his bottled up emotions, sobbing them out in Regulus’ arms and then being forced to sit down and have a reluctant conversation about it later. His therapist tells him it's an issue which they’re trying to work on. He tells his therapist it’s not that big of a deal and he doesn’t mind it. He’s pretty sure his therapist is tired of him by now.
He receives the notification that Regulus is typing and a sinking feeling of dread and anticipation drops down into his chest. He desperately needs Reg to see the apology and explanation included in his message, but a shameful part of him just prays he’ll completely ignore where he talks about his emotions. Regulus has seen him breaking down at his worst moments and yet he still feels questionably embarrassed that he, James Fleamont Potter, is capable of feeling upset. It’s possible his therapist is right, he may have an issue.
(20:32)reg❤️: you see i had no idea about how you thought the pictures were deleted because you never TOLD me, though i am glad that you have now. i am sorry that the paparazzi was so bad. i hate them all with a burning passion. if i had names, i'd hunt them each down personally. it's normal to feel sad, james. you’re human. and i certainly don’t love you any less for it - and neither does sirius or anybody else who cares about you. in fact i love you more for being yourself, if you were happy all the time then i’d be quite concerned i have been dating a robot all this time. nobody blames you for acting as you did today, or how you were portrayed acting in a photo. you are one of the strongest people i know and that doesn’t change one bit for how you dealt with a difficult situation that you shouldn’t have been in the first place. when people look at you they see a remarkably brave and kind person that persevered through an experience that would have broken most people, be proud of that. remember, i love you for who you are, not the image that you display for everyone else to trick them that you are okay all the time. thank you for being honest.
Oh.
Regulus really does know him better than he knows himself because he always seems to know exactly what he needs to hear, even when he doesn’t know it himself. Tears trickle across his cheeks and he realises with a start that he must have started crying whilst reading the text— shit. Today has been extremely emotionally demanding. He quickly scrubs at his face with his sleeves and takes a deep breath, attempting to recollect his scattered thoughts.
“James? You good?” The sound of his name startles him out of the comfortable bubble he had subconsciously created where only he, his phone and Regulus exist. His hands drop down from his face quickly to see Marlene looking back at him with concerned eyes.
“What?” His voice comes out hoarse and choked. He doesn’t have to look to know Sirius’ gaze is fixated on him. He clears his throat uncomfortably. “Uh, yes, yes I’m fine, sorry,” he stammers awkwardly and stares pointedly down at his lap, desperately trying to avoid the urge to pick his phone back up. He lifts his head when Marlene doesn’t say anything. She appears to just have been studying him silently, a lingering expression of curiosity etched across her face. He shifts in his chair, not quite knowing where to put his eyes. Eventually she gives him a look that he doesn’t quite know how to interpret and abruptly turns away to the movie playing in the background on a laptop somewhere in the room. Well. That was something.
He blows out a deep breath, still feeling Sirius’ piercing eyes trained on him. He swivels his head around to see him, sure enough, staring straight at him. Sirius’ brows are furrowed and a look of inquiry blurred by alarm is painted across his face. James absolutely cannot deal with having the conversation he knows that look will lead to today, and so, feeling a slight twinge of guilt, he just turns back to his phone.
Everything he types out to Regulus in response seems too inadequate, really, to show the amount of gratitude and love he feels for him. A pathetic problem to have, he knows. After several frustrating attempts, he decides it’s simply impossible without being there to show him in real life, and so he settles for something he deigns acceptable.
(20:38) James: you genuinely do not know how much i needed to hear that. i love you more than you could ever imagine and i'm not even exaggerating. your message made me CRY reg. CRY. sirius was staring at me so much i was a bit scared he was going to burn holes through me. i can still feel him staring now actually, control ur brother pls i feel like he’s going to attack me the moment we’re alone. ANYWHO im so so so so so so grateful to have you. thank you for existing. yk what i just remembered, if we’re going home tmrw and you are back home that means I GET TO SEE YOU TMRW
AAAHHHHHH
my new favourite hobby is rambling to you on text btw
A smile creeps up onto his face, his heart fluttering– no, flapping excitedly in his chest at the thought of seeing Regulus tomorrow. Regulus had been on a long work trip in Italy—the lucky bastard—for about a week and a half and only flew back into England yesterday, just as James was hopping on a train with Sirius in tow to leave for this quaint little town Sirius had apparently seen one aesthetically-pleasing video about on his Instagram feed and decided they 'absolutely had to go'. But honestly it’s beyond him on how he is only just now realising that he is seeing Reg tomorrow—like, twenty-four-fucking-hours-from-now tomorrow. Thinking about it surges such a pure happiness through his body that suddenly he’s forgotten all about crying just moments ago and is now beaming around at everyone - much to Sirius’ obviously displayed confusion and yet another indecipherable look from Marlene that he chooses to ignore. He glances down as his phone screen lights up with the notification that Regulus is typing and it’s only then when he properly registers the messages left on his lockscreen from his parents and various other people he knows– friends, family, his coach. He’s quite confident they couldn’t have been there when he first checked his phone and yet all the timestamps on them are labelled well over an hour ago. He hastily clicks into his Mum’s messages to be greeted with a remarkably big paragraph, followed by an extensive string of worried texts. Shit.
He dashes his fingers across his keyboard, firing out messages that mostly just consist of the word ‘sorry’. A wave of guilt sloshes about in his stomach uneasily. Slowly but surely, he makes his way through his stressfully long list of other people to text back, reassuring each person that he is fine and thanking them for asking. When finished, he stares blankly at the Twitter app logo branded across his screen. After a couple seconds of harsh consideration, he decides he’d rather not know what a search under his name has lying in store for him— that can wait for another day. Just as he’s about to click his phone off, it rather conveniently freezes and fades to black, the charging logo flashing frantically at him. He tosses it lightly next to him before thinking, quite responsibly, that he will probably regret not charging it in the morning. With a heaving sigh he gets up and strides over to Remus, decidedly ignoring the way Sirius’ gaze goes with him.
Remus tilts his head up to look at him from where he’s reclining on a cushy armchair, chattering to Mary. James gives him a charming smile, which Remus returns graciously, though it's tainted slightly with confusion.
“Hey, I was just wondering if you had a phone charger that I could borrow by any chance?” He asks, moving his head to shoot Mary a polite smile before turning back to Remus, who opens his mouth to speak before James cuts him off unintentionally, “Please,” he adds. His mother wouldn’t have forgiven him if she knew he had momentarily forgotten his manners. Since he was only just learning how to speak, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ were being drilled into his head as an absolute necessity - rightfully so, he thinks. Remus’ mouth snaps shut, lips curling up at the corners, apparently waiting a few seconds to make sure James has finished speaking. He smiles sheepishly, colour rising to his cheeks.
“Yeah sure, follow me,” Remus says eventually and leaps up onto his feet, walking out of the room, James trailing closely behind him.
Remus guides him into a side room with blank walls and little to no decoration, except from a large wooden dining table pushed up against a wall with no seats around it and several mismatched chairs strewn about the room carelessly instead, seemingly with no order or thought. Slightly odd interior design, James thinks to himself as they step inside.
“This is where we keep our spare furniture,” Remus explains, as if he had read James’ mind, and strides over to the rustic dining table, crouching low to reach for the plug socket hanging just above the floor.
“Ah, I was wondering if the chairs were like an abstract statement or something,” James replies humorously as he stands back and watches intrigued as Remus fiddles with the charger plug. Remus barks out a laugh.
“No, actually you’re right. You see, the green one represents its jealousy of the other chairs being closer together,” He rises to his full height again and dusts his palms off on his jeans before handing James the charger. James takes it with an appreciative smile, plugging in his phone and setting it on the table gently as he listens with interest to Remus listing off the surprisingly touching backstories to each of the chairs around them. Remus points to the light pink chair standing closest to him. “That one is pink because it’s blushing at that blue one it’s facing, they’re in love” James feigns a loud gasp and widens his eyes as Remus nods intently, struggling not to laugh. Remus changes his voice into a mock whisper, “But the blue one is sad because it knows pink cheated on it with another chair!” James’ hand flies to his chest in outrage as his mouth drops open.
“No!” He cries, “B–but they’re in love!” Remus nods sadly.
“Yes! It’s tragic, really,” He stares mournfully at the chairs and James turns to do the same. They stay like that for a couple beats, grieving the death of the made up love between chairs before descending into light-hearted laughter.
They’re still chuckling to themselves, about to leave when Sirius appears at the doorway, looking perfectly casual and relaxed, except James knows him well enough that he's willing to bet money on the fair assumption that Sirius is about to corner him and drill him on his sudden emotional outburst earlier. He sighs internally, he would do the same to him of course, if the roles were reversed, but it’s just frustrating as he does not fancy having a full conversation of lies with Sirius. He’s very determined not to talk about the fact he’s been secretly dating Sirius’ baby brother (Sirius’ words not his) for years without Regulus himself present for the conversation or at least nearby. At the same time, an overwhelming part of him is so very desperate to talk about the fact he's dating Sirius' baby brother to someone - anyone, Sirius himself, most preferably.
Sirius flashes Remus a dazzling smile. James watches silently as Remus smiles back warmly, his cheeks turning slightly red before flicking his gaze to the floor. James doesn’t know what that was, but he’s happy for his best friend anyway. He hopes with everything he has that whatever Sirius and Remus seem to have going on works out for the both of them - though he’s quietly confident it will.
“Hi, Remus, do you mind if I steal James for a second?” Sirius asks politely. James wishes he had actually bet money on Sirius cornering him as he’d be very, very rich.
“No, not at all,” Remus replies brightly, gesturing outwards towards the empty-ish room before walking out. Fuck, why didn’t James think to do a signal for help or something—or at least shook his head? He braces himself, attempting to think of a few lies before meeting Sirius’ eyes, truly resenting himself for having to lie in the first place. God, he hates this more than anything.
Sirius cranes his neck around the door frame, making sure Remus is well out of earshot before he shuts the door, slightly harder than necessary and turns back to James, all his previous calm and collectedness seemingly having walked out of the room with Remus.
“What’s wrong?” He asks bluntly, a worried frown creasing his eyebrows together. The sight cracks James’ previous shield of determination to not bring up Regulus, but doesn’t destroy it.
“Nothing,” James says simply, mustering an easygoing smile on his face before remembering the stabbing pain he had felt when he realised he had hurt Regulus by telling a similar lie earlier. Lying about his feelings doesn’t benefit anyone, he learnt that the hard way today. Sirius folds his arms and raises his eyebrows accusingly and James’ smile drops. He could talk about his feelings, without talking about Regulus. Except rather inconveniently, most of his feelings involve Regulus. Unless he just—swaps out Regulus for something else he misses, like football for instance. He resists the urge to give himself a pat on the back for thinking up that brilliant idea. He sighs, and Sirius’ expression softens. It will be good for him to get a second opinion on everything, even if Sirius doesn’t know they’re talking about actual people—specifically his little brother. He leans back against the table behind him and stares down at his fingers.
“I think,” He begins quietly before pausing, attempting to gather his thoughts. “I think when I play football it makes me really happy and…I play it all the time so it makes me feel and act happy all the time, so when I’m away from football all my bad emotions just come out but like in a big amount, if that makes sense? And I know it’s not healthy and a problem but— ” he cuts himself off, exhaling slowly and blinking rapidly because he simply refuses to cry for a third time today. “I don’t know how to solve it,” saying the words out loud for the first time feels like it just made them actually real, not just a small, insignificant voice at the back of his mind anymore, now an actual issue he needs to deal with because he’s pretty sure it’s not a normal way of dealing with emotions.
Silence falls for a minute before Sirius says in a small voice, “And I’ve been keeping you from football?” James’ shield of determination is only just holding itself together. He feels his face crumble as he tilts his head up to look at Sirius’ pitiful expression. He shakes his head quickly.
“I’m here because I want to be, if I didn’t want to come, I wouldn’t have,” This isn’t a lie, neither is anything else he’s said about ‘football’. Sirius looks away and James needs him to believe him. He wraps his hands around Sirius’ wrists and tugs hard, forcing Sirius’ watery eyes on him. “Trust me, Sirius–no, look at me, look at me, okay? I wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want to do, you know that,” But how could Sirius possibly trust him if he’s been lying to him all this time? Telling Sirius to trust him feels so absurd and fake that all it would take would be for Sirius to just mention Regulus and James would spill everything about what’s been going on these past seven years. Sirius nods, exhaling slowly.
“Okay,” He says eventually and James feels like such an imposter that he almost doesn’t want Sirius to trust him, because at this point he shouldn’t. God, he should have gone running to Sirius the very first time he and Regulus kissed way back in boarding school, now look where he is. He nods back at Sirius, unwrapping his fingers from around his wrist.
“Okay,” He repeats and runs his hands over his face. Today has been the most dramatic and chaotic day he’s had in a while—and that’s saying something when he spends at least half of his free time with Sirius. His hands drop back to his sides to reveal that Sirius’ worried expression has returned.
“I believe you, about how you want to be here and all that, but I am sorry, because you can’t deny it is partially my fault,” Sirius says quickly before James can interrupt since apparently he’s predictable like that and speaks again before he can reply. “No, I don’t want to hear it because I know it’s my fault—not even partially and I’m going to try and be more mindful of you and your football schedule in the future, yeah? And you know next time you could just bring a football, or we could go and buy one? It’s up to you, but anyway about the acting happy part, I’m no therapist but I’m quite sure that it is a problem, like you said because you shouldn’t just be feeling happy for a long period of time and then like crashing— oh! That’s called bottling up your emotions, I think! Yes, I was going to say I’m also quite sure that there’s a way to solve your problem and I bet there definitely is, you should just ask your therapist when we get back to London—only if you want, of course, but I think it’s a good idea because that’s literally what therapists are for, anyway..” Sirius rambles before trailing off, his eyes lit up with ideas and keenness to tell them. James actually doesn’t interrupt him, he finds he is often curious to see where Sirius’ conversations he has with himself will lead, as they normally produce strangely brilliant plans and thoughts. James swears Sirius could have a chat with a brick wall and come away satisfied. Sirius averts his eyes to the floor sheepishly. Everything he said, James needed to hear from someone else that’s not the irritatingly logical voice inside his head. It’s refreshing to hear it aloud from one of the people whose opinion he values the most and he decides he’s going to act on it, when he gets back to London he really will talk to his therapist about it, properly, like Sirius said, because even though Sirius, as much as he loves the bastard, is probably the last person he should be taking advice about mental health from, he thinks he’s right about this. A small smile stretches on his lips as he gazes across at him. He is so damn lucky to have met his platonic soulmate and his romantic one both by the ripe age of twenty-three.
“Yeah, I think I will,” He declares and Sirius looks up, his own smile surfacing. “Thank you,” He murmurs quietly, only just loud enough for Sirius to hear, and clearly he does since he tugs James into a comforting hug in response, which he accepts happily.
They break apart and both step out of the door without even having to speak about it. James has found they’ve grown more and more in sync over the years, he can pretty much predict every movement Sirius makes. Though sometimes he still manages to find ways to surprise him, such as now when out of the corner of his eye he catches Sirius staring at him. He turns to him, raising his eyebrows slightly in question as they wander slowly down the winding corridor leading to the break room.
“You are quite attached to football,” Sirius muses thoughtfully and he hums in agreement, an affectionate smile playing on his lips that he ducks his head to hide. “You must really love it,” He says and James chuckles breathily, running a hand through his hair.
“Yeah,” He replies, “Yeah, I do,” He really does.