Chapter 4
Over the next few days, Remus becomes cognitively stronger and more alert as he shakes off the fog of the coma.
He still feels a bit confused in that way he always does when he wakes up in the hospital with no memory of how he got there.
One moment, he was at teachers’ in-service day, laughing with Lily and their colleagues, preparing for yet another school year. The next moment he’s waking up to find out that it’s a week later to learn that he’s had an unplanned open heart surgery and is agreeing to a tracheostomy all in the same day.
There are flashes of memory in between those two points, comforting touches and pain, warm snuggles and fear as the hallucinations and night terrors grip his mind in the haze of the sedating medications. He vaguely remembers a thunderstorm and the feeling of Sirius’ body cuddling close to his… but he can’t really untangle those memories from what was real and what was not real.
The doctors have started him on a heavy rehabilitation regimen. PT and OT and speech therapy. Sirius is there every moment of the day. Remus knows he should be training for the upcoming season but Sirius hasn’t left his side one time. He doesn’t know what plans Sirius has made with his team for time off and he doesn’t ask, mostly because he can’t speak.
The speech therapist says he’ll eventually be able to have assistive attachments for his trach that will allow him to speak but that he has to work up to that. Baby steps and all.
He’s lost some mobility and his fine motor skills have taken a step back. His physical therapist wants to start him on a grueling schedule straight away.
“Okay Remus, I see you have quite the extensive medical history. Can you tell me about your mobility baseline?” his physical therapist asks straight away.
Remus looks to Sirius, giving him silent permission to answer for him so Sirius does.
“Well, he’s a survivor of Group B Strep disease at birth. From that he suffered hearing loss, epilepsy, and it's also the cause of the damage to his heart. He later suffered a bout of meningitis at about 18 months of age that caused an acquired brain injury. He experienced a total loss of motor and cognitive skills. He had to relearn to walk and talk and eat, basically starting over from newborn. He’s struggled with a wonky right side because of the brain injury with numbness, pain, and paralysis. He’s been an ambulatory wheelchair user since childhood but he’s always done his best to walk when he can, like at home or when he knows he’s not walking a long distance. So, in short: He’s capable of walking but he’s always struggled with walking long distances because of his brain damage and because of his weak heart.”
The physical therapist uses all of this information and begins him on a regimen which Remus was relieved to find out, starts out with range of motion exercises and deep tissue massage in bed.
After PT, it’s OT and he’s working on using his hands to grip. He hates his body sometimes because it takes so little for it to forget even the most basic skills. He knows that’s just an effect from the brain injury but that doesn’t make the reality suck any less.
“Good job, Remus,” the occupational therapist, a woman named Laurie, praises as he manages to pick up the wolf toy from the table and place it on his lap.
“You’re making such good progress!” Laurie observes. “Let’s practice two more things today. Let’s work on putting your hearing aids on and then let’s practice with the pencil a bit.”
When Sirius, Remus, and Laurie originally met to come up with a set of goals for OT, Remus’ main concern was communication. He wanted to be able to put his own hearing aids on and he wanted to be able to write at least some so that he can express his more complex ideas while he has no voice. He’s never resented his parents’ choice to not make ASL a priority for him as a child more than he does right now.
At Laurie’s que, Sirius removes Remus’ left hearing aid and places it on the table in front of him, battery door popped open. He leaves the right aid in so that Remus can still hear instructions without having to strain and guess.
It’s painstaking work because his fingers don’t want to cooperate and his hand tremor is especially severe today. He struggles to grip the tiny device but after a few tries, he clumsily closes the door on the bottom of the aid and he manages to bring the aid to his ear. He hooks the behind the ear portion over the top of his ear but he struggles to put the mold in. The process of positioning his fingers just right to push the mold in is just way too fiddly for his stiff fingers.
Laurie gently helps when she sees that he’s growing frustrated.
Then they start over and try again, over and over and eventually Remus is able to get it mostly on without assistance. But he’s exhausted and begs off practicing his writing for the day.
Laurie takes pity and agrees that he’s worked hard enough for one session and should take a break.
There isn’t much time for down time before the caregiver education team arrives for Sirius’ classes. Remus doesn’t have to do much in these sessions other than be there for Sirius to practice care tasks on.
The doctors want Remus to go home as soon as possible to continue his rehabilitation. The longer he’s in the hospital, the higher the risk for a hospital acquired infection which would be very bad for his weak body and failing heart.
The first thing they practice with Sirius is diaper changes and caring for Remus’ skin.
Remus is still a bit mortified to have Sirius change his soiled diapers but he currently doesn’t have a lot of control of his bowels and bladder, just another thing he’s having to try and regain in physical therapy. So, Remus sucks it up. He knows Sirius isn’t judging him for it anyway.
“Okay Sirius, you just want to make sure that you're cleaning the area thoroughly and then you will put the rash cream onto the skin,” the caregiver education nurse explains.
The wet wipes and then the dry cloth feel nice against Remus’ skin and the rash cream is cool as Sirius applies it in a thick layer, the way he is advised to.
“How’s that feeling Rem? You comfortable, yes or no?” Sirius asks, always so considerate of Remus’ comfort. It’s almost difficult to believe that in his public life he’s considered one of the toughest players in the NHL. A take-no-shit defenseman who’s not afraid to get into a scrap.
Here, he’s nothing but gentle and sweet and loving. He’s putty when it comes to Remus.
Remus nods his head to indicate that he’s comfy and then Sirius is securing the fresh diaper, pulling his gown over it for privacy.
They practice all manner of tasks after. They explain how to care for Remus’ LVAD machine, to charge the batteries and check the sites on his torso where the lines protrude from his skin for infection.
He learns how to use the hoist to safely transfer Remus from the bed to his new, custom wheelchair. Once in the chair, Sirius goes through the checklist he’s been given to ensure Remus’ safety and comfort.
- Make sure he’s got an even distribution of weight to prevent pressure wounds.
- Fasten his seatbelt snuggly but not too tight.
- Make sure the leg and hip positioners are keeping his legs in the proper position.
- Make sure that Remus’ ventilator and vent hose are properly secured to prevent accidental disconnections and/or damage to the ventilator unit.
Last on the agenda for the day is trach care education, which is led by a team of two respiratory therapists and an anesthesiologist.
Sirius practices suctioning Remus’ trach and then learns how to clean and dress Remus’ tracheostomy stoma.
This is incredibly unpleasant for Remus. His stoma is red, sore and inflamed because it’s still new and as Sirius cleans the site with disinfectant and changes the gauze and trach collar, Remus grimaces in pain anytime the trach tube is jostled.
Hurts, Remus mouths at Sirius, his eyes watering in pain.
“What hurts baby?” Sirius asks to clarify.
Stoma. Remus mouths with a grimace. Stoma is sore.
The respiratory therapist walks Sirius through the process of applying some topical lidocaine onto the stoma to help with the pain.
Remus grimaces and coughs as the cotton swab is swiped over the sensitive skin of his stoma and Sirius apologizes profusely, over and over, as he dabs on the thick cream. But, soon enough, Remus does feel some relief from the lidocaine and Sirius feels relief as well.
It’s Tuesday and Harry hasn’t visited his Uncle Moony at the hospital since Saturday evening. As a rule, James and Lily don’t like to keep him cooped up at the hospital for long periods of time because they want to prevent Harry seeing something horrible but also they want Remus to have as much quiet time to rest as possible. Harry is a loveable child but he is curious and chatty and when one is weak and ill and hurting, it can be hard to maintain patience for even the sweetest children.
However, they do like to make sure Harry visits Remus in the hospital regularly because it is good for Remus and Sirius but it's also good for Harry to be kept in the loop of what is happening so that his mind doesn’t have the opportunity to conjure up scarier scenarios than what is actually happening.
Harry is gripping his dad’s hand tightly, his backpack slung over his skinny shoulders. He’s got a tie-dye colored face mask on and he doesn’t complain because he knows it's important to keep germs away from Uncle Moony.
“Is Uncle Moony still spadated?” Harry asks curiously and James’ lips twitch at the way Harry mispronounces the word ‘sedated’.
James holds his boy’s hand a bit tighter, “No, he’s not sedated anymore Harry but remember, he’s had a big surgery so he’s going to look different and he’s going to be sore, so we want to be gentle with him, yeah? You can’t get into his bed today.”
Harry nods exasperatedly, “Yeah, yeah, I remember.”
James’ stomach knots with worry, fear about the tough sight Harry is about to encounter twisting like a knife in his gut. Harry is going to have so many questions and he’s nearly 8-years-old so the simple answers aren’t going to be enough for him any longer. No, this time they’re going to have to be very truthful with Harry and that scares James. He doesn’t want to give his child any fears or anxieties. He wishes the world could be simple and that he could remain worry free as long as most of his peers.
However, that’s not the situation they’re in. Harry’s Uncle Moony is sick and that’s the reality, and Harry deserves to know what’s happening. Just because he’s the youngest member of the family doesn’t mean he isn’t affected by this situation just as deeply as the rest of them.
James reminds Harry to be quiet as he opens the door in case Remus is sleeping.
When the pair step into the room, James is happy to see that Remus is awake, Lily on one side of the bed reading a book out loud to Remus. On the other side of the bed, Sirius is watching something on his phone, a single earbud in his ear.
“Hey Moons,” James says as he and Harry approach the bed.
Remus smiles weakly from where his head is resting heavily against pillows. He’s still naked save for a blanket on his lower half, the bandages over his sternum and abdomen hiding the worst of the wounds though his chest and belly are bruised viciously, the skin an angry, red-purple color.
James feels as Harry uncharacteristically squeezes his hand and hides slightly behind James, looking at Remus from behind his dad’s back.
He looks down at his son and smiles reassuringly, “See Harry? Moony is awake today. Do you want to hold his hand?”
Harry stays quiet and shakes his head slightly, clinging tightly to his Dad’s shirt now.
Lily and James share a look as they realize what is happening and Lily vacates her chair, letting James usher Harry over to it and sitting down pulling the little boy into his lap.
James grabs Remus’ hand and squeezes, Remus squeezes back lightly.
“How are you feeling Moons?” James asks, voice calm and gentle.
Weak. Remus mouths, not lifting his head from the bed, only rolling his head toward James with a wince as the movement jostles the trach tube.
“Glad to see you awake, man,” James replies. “I know I've seen you a couple times the past few days but I just really, really mean it. So happy to see you awake.”
Remus smiles tiredly and squeezes James’ hand again.
Harry is watching Remus with apprehension, not at all his usual self.
“Hey Haz, I see you’re feeling a bit nervous, want to tell me what’s making you feel that way?” James asks, looking at his son with patience and gentleness.
Harry mumbles something but it's not loud enough to understand and James has to ask him to repeat himself more clearly.
“Moony is different,” Harry says quietly and James smiles.
“Yeah, he does look different, remember we’d talked about how he looks different than when you saw him on Saturday?” James is giving his son all of his attention now, Lily, Sirius, and Remus are watching the exchange casually, knowing James can handle it.
Harry nods and bites his lip.
“Why don’t you start by telling me about the thing that’s worrying you most?” James starts again, trying to coax his son to speak about his concerns and emotions clearly.
“That weird thing on his neck,” Harry whispers as if he is ashamed of being nervous or as if he’s worried it’s rude to say.
“Oh yeah, that’s pretty different, huh?” James asks patiently.
“What is it?” Harry asks, a bit of his usual curious confidence reappearing.
James looks at Sirius who goes and sits gingerly on the bed next to Remus.
“Remember how Moony’s heart is sick?” Sirius asks Harry, his eyes gentle and kind for the young boy and Harry nods.
“Well, sometimes when a person’s heart is sick, it can make it really hard to breathe,” Sirius explains, trying to choose his words carefully. He wishes Remus could explain it himself, he’s the teacher, Sirius is just a hockey player, a jock. Remus is much better at explaining things to kids. “They had to give him this tube in his neck that connects to a machine that helps him breathe so that he can be more comfortable and so he can go home from the hospital. Having the ventilator breathe for him lets his body rest. It looks scary, I know, but it's a very good thing, right Moony?”
Remus smiles kindly at Harry and nods, mouthing, Yeah, a good thing.
“Does it hurt?” Harry asks, leaning in a bit closer to Remus but still sat firmly in his dad’s lap.
Yes, a little bit. Remus answers and Harry looks at Sirius, confused.
“Moony says it hurts a little bit, but that’s because he just had the surgery,” Sirius explains. “When the wound heals up, it won’t hurt as much anymore.”
Harry nods, as if he’s thinking about his next questions carefully.
“Why aren’t you talking Uncle Moony?” Harry asks, looking at Remus with his big green eyes.
Remus looks to Sirius, asking him to explain again.
“Well, when you talk, air has to come up to your voicebox to make vibrations. Because of the tube, air can’t come up to his voicebox. So, his voice can’t make any sound right now,” Sirius explains. “When Moony is feeling a little stronger in a few weeks, the doctors are going to help him learn to talk again.”
Harry nods, looking relieved and finally relaxing a bit into his usual chatty self, “Moony, dad says the doctors put a robot heart inside of you. Can I see?”
At this Sirius let out a surprised, loud bark of genuine laughter at the abrupt shift in tone and Remus smiles, laughing weakly, looking over to James.
Remus reaches a weak arm out, the ICU team has finally determined he no longer requires the restraints, requesting for Harry to hold his hand. Harry slides off of James’ lap and goes to stand close to the bedside taking his Moony’s hand eagerly.
James and Lily move out of the way and go to sit on the couch bed under the window. Together, Sirius and Remus show Harry Remus’ LVAD system and explain to him how it works and what the cords do and how the battery gets charged.
It takes a little bit of time and patience but soon enough, Harry is slowly reverting back to his usual chatty self and talks Remus’ ear off until Remus begins to fall asleep. Harry grabs Remus’ stuffed wolf from the table by the chair and hands it to him when he realizes that Remus has fallen asleep, Remus’ long fingers curl in the fur immediately.
James, Lily, and Harry leave soon after Remus falls asleep to go have dinner with Effie and Monty. Regulus, Evan, and Barty are supposed to stop by later in the evening but for now, it's just Remus and Sirius.
Sirius watches Remus’ chest rise and fall with the rhythm of the ventilator and his eyes prick with tears. Watching Harry be so scared after seeing Remus was heartbreaking, he was scared that it had hurt Remus’ feelings or made him feel self conscious about his condition. Sirius knows that Harry can’t help but be cautious of things that are new and unusual to him but it's the first time he’s ever expressed fear upon seeing Remus ill.
Sirius idly watches some tape on his phone, he’d taken a leave of absence from team practices for the past week but he’s expected to return next week and he needs to stay up-to-date on all of the tape that Coach has sent him thus far.
He leans against the side of the bed and sneaks his hand under the covers to lay a gentle resting palm onto Remus’ leg. He draws gentle, soothing circles onto the swollen calf, hoping it is as comforting to Remus to have Sirius touching him as it is for Sirius to be touching Remus.
Remus sleeps for nearly an hour but wakes up eventually, eyes wide with panic, coughing weakly, his trach bobbing up and down on his throat with each cough.
Sirius doesn’t panic, he just calmly picks up the remote and calls the nurses station. Karl answers with a crackly, “Hello?”
“Hi, Remus needs suctioning.”
Karl rings off and comes walking into Remus’ room a couple moments later.
“Hi Remus, poor dear, I can see you’re coughing hard,” Karl says as he sets up the suction catheter. “Let’s get you all cleared up, yeah?”
Sirius grabs Remus’ hand with one hand and places his other hand comfortingly on Remus’ shoulder.
“Okay, I’m going to disconnect the vent on three,” Karl says before counting three inhales aloud and then disconnecting the vent hose on the fourth inhale to expose the trach tube opening.
Karl threads the suction catheter down into Remus’ airway causing him to gag and cough violently and Sirius speaks to him soothingly, trying to distract him from the discomfort of the procedure.
Karl has to make five passes before Remus manages to cough up the phlegm that is hindering his breathing and causing the discomfort, and after two more passes his airway is finally clear. Remus is crying now, his face purple-red and blotchy with lack of oxygen and Karl quickly reattaches the vent hose, “There’s your air back, Remus. I’m so sorry, that was quite a difficult suction. Does that feel better?”
Remus gives a small nod, tears continuing to stream down his face, still coughing as he readjusts to the feeling of breathing again.
Once Remus has managed to calm down, and his tears have been wiped and kissed away by Sirius, Karl decides to go ahead and change and reposition him since he’d have to come back in ten minutes to do so anyway.
Sirius helps Karl remove Remus’ diaper, and Karl allows Sirius to clean Remus’ bum and front thoroughly because Remus prefers when Sirius changes him over the nurses. Sirius takes care to let the skin dry before applying a liberal amount of rash cream across all of his skin before closing the fresh diaper, securing the straps snuggly. Karl and Sirius work together to lift Remus slightly to put a fresh underpad between Remus and the sheets.
Lastly, the two men reposition Remus’ body, watching his face for his signal that he’s comfortable before they stop making small adjustments to the placement of his legs. Remus hates having his body manipulated in this way but he did suffer a pressure wound once at a different hospital when he was admitted for pneumonia and was in a coma for over a month. The pressure wound took months to heal and caused a lot of pain and even a scary infection that landed him another stay in the hospital, so he’d like to avoid that ever again if possible.
Remus begins to complain of pain in his LVAD site again, so Karl fiddles with the pain pump which delivers a quick bolus of extra pain meds, mercifully taking the pain away within minutes.
Sirius and Remus are finally left alone once more. Sirius looks up to find Remus is crying again, softly this time. Not sobs or the heartbroken cries that he’s been doing the past couple days. When Sirius asks him what's the matter, Remus brings his hand up to his chin signing, ‘mistake’, ‘mistake’, ‘mistake’ over and over and over again.
“What’s a mistake?” Sirius asks, his heart dropping into his stomach at the look of misery on Remus’ face.
Remus signs ‘hurts-don’t-want’.
Sirius sits on the edge of the bed, their hips touching and he puts a hand on Remus’ face.
‘I’m scared’ Remus signs now, the tears still flowing freely.
“It’s okay to be scared, baby,” Sirius says, his eyes locked with Remus’. “It’s okay to be scared. I know this is so scary for you. But I’m going to be here with you the whole time, love. And James and Lily and Effie and Monty and Reg and… and everybody else. We’re here, sweetheart. And the doctors say the pain from your LVAD placement and the tracheostomy will improve. Just remember that. Those pains will get better.”
Remus nods his head but continues to allow himself to cry. Sirius dutifully wipes his tears with gentle thumbs. He’ll always be there to hold Remus and wipe his tears when he’s hurting or scared or just so, so tired from fighting to survive.
“I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart,” Sirius repeats himself. “I promise. I love you so much, Remus. So much.”
I love you too, Remus mouths through his tears, his cheek pushing into Sirius’ hand, seeking more and more closeness, more and more of Sirius.
Child life arrives around 10am on Thursday to Remus’ ICU room. They decorate with mylar balloons shaped like Mario and Luigi and Princess Peach and they have a cookies and cream cake flavored cake, Harry’s favorite flavor.
They’ve also brought some wrapped gifts for the little boy along with some gifts for Remus, as well.
“Hi Remus, I’m Jenna, head of the supportive child-life team. We help kids who have seriously ill family members cope with the situation. We’ve been told little Harry is very upset you won’t be able to go to his birthday party this weekend.”
Remus nods and answers with a silent, Yeah.
Remus is incredibly weak today, the grueling, intensive therapies have really taken it out of him over the last few days.
He’s lying back, bed tilted up only slightly, propped up against pillows but his head is resting heavily on the pillow behind it. He doesn’t lift his head to respond, he’s not even sure if he can. His eyes are closed heavily but he’s awake and listening.
One of the other members of the childlife team, an alt-woman with blue hair named Dorcas, sits with Remus and Sirius as the others continue to decorate. They’ve brought some gifts for Remus, as well.
A nice blanket with sleeves, some fuzzy socks, a set of pajamas that are made specifically for heart patients with LVAD machines, and a weighted heating pad that has three heat and massage settings.
Sirius sets the heating pad up immediately, draping it over Remus’ right shoulder, mindful of the vent tubing and his healing chest incisions. Remus has been complaining of severe neck pain from his tracheostomy procedure, so Sirius figures putting the heating pad on his shoulder might relieve some of the pain.
Remus smiles softly as the heat soothes some of the aching in his neck caused by the pain of his still-healing tracheostomy opening his eyes a bit.
Marlene arrives with some party favors and immediately spots Dorcas, walking over and introducing herself.
If Remus had the energy and if he had the ability to vocalize, he would have snorted a laugh at how Marlene obviously was captured by the blue-hair woman’s alternative beauty.
Remus and Sirius share a look and they both grin and roll their eyes at their friend.
Harry arrives with Lily and James 10 minutes after the child life team finishes decorating and the delighted look on the little boy’s face when he sees the surprise party warms Remus’ from the inside out.
He has wondered several times over the past few days whether continuing to fight, choosing the LVAD and tracheostomy and waiting on the transplant list, was truly worth it. He’s so tired and his family would not have made him feel guilty if he’d decided to choose palliative care instead.
But seeing Harry now, reminds him of all the reasons it’s worth it to keep fighting for survival and for better health.
He never wants to miss a single one of Harry’s birthdays and he realizes he could never willingly make the decision to leave when he’s got such a good chance at survival.
Entranced momentarily by the decorations, Harry stands in the doorway gaping. But he soon comes to his senses and runs to Remus’ bedside.
“Moony! Thanks for my surprise party!” Harry cries, taking one of Remus’ weak hands in his own.
“How is your surgery feeling?” Harry asks. He’s such a sweet boy, always concerned with Moony’s health.
Better, Remus mouths and Sirius translates the response for the little boy.
“Good!” Harry cries again. “Mum says I can’t get in bed with you like normal cause you had surgery on your heart and your throat and we have to be careful. But can I kiss your hand Moony since I can’t give a big hug?”
Remus smiles softly and nods. Harry grasps Remus’ hand in both of his small hands and kisses his Moony over and over, and hugs Remus’ arm tightly.
Harry is obsessed with the party and child life team who treat him like royalty. He loves the cake and tries to share it with Remus but he ends up helping Sirius feed him ice chips instead since he’s struggling to swallow food.
Remus’ eyes flutter closed as Harry begins to open his presents and he fights to stay awake even to just listen to Harry open his gifts..
Harry receives some new switch games, some awesome t-shirts, and a massive Mario plushie.
By the time the team is wrapping up the party, Harry declares that this had been the best birthday ever and that his party with his friends will not be anywhere nearly as good as this one was. Especially since his Moony and Padfoot are here and they won’t be on Saturday.
Remus is fully asleep by the time the party has fully wound down, his wolf plushie nestled under one hand down by his leg.
Marlene has leaves for work, giving Harry a big birthday squeeze and promising to see him on Saturday. Before she leaves, she flashes Sirius the paper where Dorcas wrote down her phone number and Sirius smirks, stifling a snort.
Everybody else besides Sirius, James, Lily, and Harry leave for the day with promises to come back to see Remus soon.
Now that the party is over and Remus is sleeping, Lily dims the lights and Harry crawls up into his dad’s lap, starting up a new game on his switch.
Sirius assumes one of his regular positions at Remus’ bedside. A head laying on Remus’ bicep and a hand in one of Remus’ hands.
He loves being close to his strong guy, his favorite person in the whole world. Like this, he can almost imagine that there is nothing at all wrong in their lives.
Harry has been a ball of energy all day. Lily blames all of the cake and ice cream at his birthday party, not to mention all of the fun new gifts and toys he’s received from his friends.
Currently she’s watching James and Harry assemble one of his new Star Wars Lego sets at the coffee table from her perch on the couch, a hand on her baby bump. She’s reading but every few moments she looks up to take in the view of her two favorite guys.
She’s only half listening when Harry speaks up for the first time in a couple minutes.
“Dad?” Harry asks as he continues to snap little pieces of Lego together.
“Hmm?” James asks, his tongue poking out of his mouth in concentration as he works on his section of the lego set.
“Dad…” Lily senses the tone shift and looks up to find that Harry’s eyes are shining with tears as he speaks up again. “Is Uncle Moony going to die? I don’t want Moony to die…”
Lily feels as if she’s been punched in the gut, and rests both of her hands on her baby bump now. Three weeks. She has three weeks to go and then she’ll be a mother of two.
She’s been so excited. Despite not having planned her pregnancy with Harry, Lily quickly learned when Harry was born that she loves being a mom and she learned that she loves raising a child with James. James, the love of her life whom she, honestly, had barely known at the time she fell pregnant with Harry.
She’s loved being a mom since the day Harry was born and she’s loved sharing Harry with James and getting to watch the joy he’s brought to both Sirius and Remus over the years, both of whom stepped up in beautiful fashion for their best friends upon first learning of the unplanned pregnancy.
Now, Lily doesn’t know what to do. She kind of wants to throw up because this isn’t how things are supposed to be.
Remus has been sick the entire time she’s known him since kindergarten but she never imagined that she might be ushering new life into the world at the same time she’s ushering her best friend out of it. How does she explain such a sad, hard topic to a child without causing trauma and extreme amounts of anxiety?
Lily sits forward and James sets his lego pieces down, both with eyes on their son and she asks calmly, “Why are you asking, love?”
“I heard Draco’s dad saying that to Uncle Reg at my party,” Harry explains, his chin wobbling slightly as he tries not to cry. “He asked Uncle Reggie how long he thinks it will be before Moony dies.”
Lily feels instantly murderous and by the look on James’ face, she can tell he does, too. Who the fuck asks questions like that within earshot of children? Especially within earshot of children who are deeply affected by the situation.
Lily beckons Harry over to sit on the couch beside her and James settles on the floor in front of them, a hand on Lily’s calf.
“Harry, you know that Uncle Moony’s heart is sick, yeah?” Lily explains carefully. She takes a deep breath to steady herself as she feels her own tears threatening to erupt.
Harry nods, looking up at his mom with such attentiveness that it makes Lily’s heart squeeze.
“Sometimes, when people’s hearts get sick, they do die, yes,” Lily says matter of factly. “But sometimes they get better and they don’t die. We can’t always guess for sure if somebody is going to die or not. But just because they’re sick doesn’t mean they’re going to die for sure.”
Lily explains and she realizes she’s not going to be able to stave off the tears forever but she soldiers on through what is maybe the most difficult conversation she’s ever found herself having.
“If Moony didn’t go to the doctor, then yes, he would die. But the doctors are taking care of him and now Uncle Moony is waiting on a new surgery called a heart transplant,” Lily feels James’ hand on her leg, his fingers drawing soothing circles on the skin there. “That’s why Uncle Moony had to get his breathing tube in his neck, so his body can rest and stay strong for his next surgery.”
Harry looks thoughtful at this explanation and looks up at his mom again, a few tears falling down his cheeks.
“What is a heart transplant?” Lily is often incredibly surprised by the intelligent questions her boy comes up with in response to their discussions.
“A heart transplant is when the doctors take a healthy heart from another person who has died and can’t use it anymore and put it inside of the person who’s heart is sick,” Lily explains. “When Moony gets his heart transplant, they will take out his sick heart and put in a healthy heart.”
“Oooooooooh,” Harry says as he comes to understand the idea, he wipes away his tears with the palms of his hands. “So, he doesn’t get to keep his robot heart forever? That sucks...”
Lily laughs wetly at the unexpected humor and James chuckles softly, his hand squeezing Lily’s calf again.
“Can we go see Moony tomorrow please?” Harry asks, his big eyes pleading. “I really miss him.”
And, how can they possibly say no to that? So they agree that they’ll go see Moony in the morning.
Finally comforted, Harry begins begging James to get back to building the lego with him, asking if they can watch The Mandalorian while they build.
With her two boys sufficiently distracted, Lily excuses herself to the bathroom at the far end of the house and promptly bursts into tears. She’s been trying to avoid thinking about her best friend in the whole world dying. She doesn’t know what she’d do if Remus died before meeting her baby girl. She doesn’t know what she’d do if Remus died, period. She’d never recover.
She comforts herself a bit at thinking about how she can’t wait to FaceTime Remus later and tell her about Harry’s indignation at learning that he doesn’t get to keep his robot heart after transplant. She knows it will make Remus laugh and smile and making him smile is all she ever wants to do these days.
After having a good cry, Lily leaves the bathroom and sneaks into her bedroom, choosing to lay down as she’s suddenly not feeling very well now. She falls asleep quicker than she’d anticipated and it’s not until James comes in a couple hours later that Lily wakes up to find that he’s given Harry dinner and put him to bed.
When James crawls under the covers Lily curls into his chest and sobs. “What if I lied to him, James?” Lily asks, anguish in her voice. “What if Remus dies before he gets to receive his transplant? How will I tell him? He’ll never trust me again.”
James rubs her back soothingly, allowing her to cry and feel her feelings. “I don’t want Remus to die, James. He’s my best friend. He can’t die… I need my best friend, James. What am I going to do if he dies?”
James realizes now that his wife is spiraling and hugs her close, kissing the top of her head. “Lils, the doctors are doing all they can. You heard Dr. Dearborn before the surgery, he’s very confident that a heart transplant will save Rem’s life. We’ve just gotta get him to transplant, yeah?”
Lily wants to give a rebuttal with what ifs and all of the scenarios her anxiety is conjuring up in her brain but she finds she can’t voice those horrid thoughts through the sobs that wrack her body.
James holds her through her grief and strokes her hair until she’s finally cried herself to sleep and is softly snoring into his chest.
He holds her close and doesn’t realize he’s drifted asleep until he's awoken hours later. The clock reads 4:45am and he reaches for Lily but she’s not in bed. Then he hears her panicked, frantic voice which is what must have woken him up.
“James!”Lily’s voice is coming from the en-suite bathroom. “James, I think I’m going into labor!”
James is out of bed and at his wife’s side in an instant. And within five minutes, James is loading Lily and Harry into the car and driving as fast as he legally can toward the hospital, calling his parents and Sirius on the way.
As he drives, James reaches for Lily’s hand and she holds his, squeezing tightly with every contraction and he realizes just how close together they are. He pushes down the accelerator just a bit more, silently manifesting good things to come. It’s time for something to finally go right.