I miss you, I'm sorry
Winter was creeping up and the nights started to get cold. It was killing Sirius. He wasn’t used to laying in his bed in the cold. Especially not alone. His eyes would red, and tears were swelling in them. Sirius was being careful not to wake Peter. All he could think about was Remus. They way they used to lay, bodies intertwined. Cuddled into each other to fight the cold. The way Remus’ bed felt like home. The way Remus felt like home. My god he missed Remus. He missed his scent, his voice, his warmth, his voice, his love. He just wanted Remus to love him again. He just wanted his Moony back. Eventually his mind got the better of him and he decided to write Remus a letter and leave it on his bed. He really hoped that he would read it. He knew Remus probably wouldn’t, but it was worth a shot. He scribbled words onto the parchment while tears flowed from his eyes. He was putting his whole heart and soul into this letter. Sirius shut his curtains and turned over to go back to sleep. Shortly after Sirius had drifted off to sleep Remus and James Silently crept into the dorm, careful not to wake the two other sleeping marauders.
“Do you want me to stay in your bed tonight?” James asked quietly.
“No, it’s ok. I’m going to try and sleep alone tonight.” Remus replied in a whisper before climbing into his bed and shutting the curtains around it.
Remus felt a small piece of parchment under his hand.
“Lumos.” He whispered.
The piece of paper was folded. He opened it and began to read.
Dear Remus,
I know you probably won’t read this. And if you do you will probably just tear it up, but I just wanted to apologise. No reason I could ever give will be good enough to excuse my actions and I don't expect you to forgive me. I just want you to know i truly am sorry. You mean everything to me please never forget that. I understand if you never want to speak to me again and i have accepted that we will never be what we were. I truly do love you. I don't want this to seem like I'm trying to guilt you into forgiving me because i have accepted that you never will, i just wanted to say I miss you, I’m sorry. You mean everything to me. You’re not a monster, you never will be. You’re my Moony. At least you were. I will forever cherish what we had. I will never forget you or the time we spent together. I will forever miss the nights we spent cuddled up together. The late nights by the lake we spent talking. I will forever miss you. More than anything else in this world. If I could take the moon away forever to save you from the pain of the full moons I would do it in a heartbeat. I love you Remus John Lupin. I genuinely love you. I always will. Forever. Until the end of time.
Sirius Orion Black (Your star.)
Remus felt tears forming in his eyes. He could tell Sirius had been drunk, stoned, or just incredibly tired when he wrote this. ‘Your star’. Was he joking. Had he really used Remus’ nickname for him in the letter. That hurt more than anything. He still loved Sirius with his entire heart, but what he did was unforgivable. How could he love him without forgiving him. He wouldn’t be fair on either of them. It would be torture. He felt his heart start breaking all over again. He could see the stains on the parchment from Sirius’ tears. He knew Sirius meant every word he wrote, but if he genuinely loved Remus why would he do what he did. Eventually Remus’ swirling thoughts got the better of him and he decided to pick up a piece of parchment from his bedside table and write a letter replying to Sirius.
****
Sirius woke up the next morning. Everyone had already left. But there was a piece of parchment on his bedside table. He picked it up and unfolded it and began to read.
Dear Sirius,
I read your letter. I didn’t rip it up. I’m sorry but no matter how many times you apologise I don’t think I can ever forgive you. I still love you and it’s killing me. I miss what we had and who you were, but I don’t think I’ll ever miss you because you’re not who I thought you were. You made me a monster. You knew that was my biggest fear. Yet you still did it. You’re right, you can never give me a good enough reason to excuse your actions. Nothing will ever take back what you did. You did it. You can’t change that. You can’t unbreak my trust. You can’t unbreak my heart, and I don’t think you can heal it either. You ruined me. Every single part of me. You will never understand what you put me through. You will never be that close to me again. I will never lay with you again. I will never sit by the lake with you again. I will never trust you again. And I’m not your Moony. You lost the right to call me that when you betrayed me. I will never forgive you. Not in this lifetime or the next. It’s over. You ruined everything we had. You ruined me. I will never forgive you Sirius Orion Black.
Remus. J. Lupin.
Sirius didn’t even realise he had started crying. But Remus’ letter hurt. It made him realise just how broken Remus was. And it was all his fault. He had done this to him. Remus really did hate him. He was never going to forgive him. It was truly done. It was done forever.
****
(Insert some Slytherin content)
****
“WE WON THE MATCH AGAINST RAVENCLAW. YOU BETTER GET READY FOR THE PARTY MR MOON PIE.” James screamed jumping through the door.
Remus almost dropped the book he was reading.
“Merlin Rudolf, you’re a bit excited.” Remus laughed.
James and Remus had somehow given each other the weirdest nicknames since the incident at the shrieking shack. I mean they had both replaced Sirius with each other, so it was bound to happen.
“I’m ecstatic.” James smiled.
“I’ll get ready now then.”
Sirius could hear them from his bed. He had a muffiliato spell cast and his curtains shut so they didn’t now he was in there. Remus and James had given each other nicknames. He had been replaced. It seemed so easy for them to continue their lives without him.
****
It was late and everyone was quite drunk. Remus had snuck up to the windowsill at the top of Gryffindor tower with a boy from his transfiguration class named David to escape the noise and craziness of the party. They had been sitting next to each other talking and laughing for a while when David lifted his hand, cusping Remus’ cheek and pulling him into a kiss. Remus felt uncomfortable and tried to pull away, but David just pulled him closer. Remus tried to push David away, but he was too strong. Eventually Remus was able to push their faces apart, eyes welled with tears.
“I don’t want to do this.” Tears began to escape from Remus’ eyes while flashbacks from the previous summer filled his mind.
“Oh, come on doll, you know you do.” David Pushed Remus down on the windowsill and began to unbutton his pants.
The rest of what happened was a blur to Remus. After David left Remus put his pants back on. He rushed down the stairs and into his dorm. He collapsed in front of his bed feeling paralysed. Tears fell from his eyes like a waterfall. He could barely breathe. He layed there for what felt like hours unable to move. He couldn’t fall sleep. He couldn’t get up. He couldn’t stop crying. He couldn’t breathe. The bathroom door unlocked and opened. Remus wanted to look but he couldn’t.
“Remus, are you ok?” Sirius’ voice echoed with concern.
Remus tried to speak but no words could escape his mouth. Sirius walked over, being careful not to get to close.
“I’m going to go get James.” Sirius rushed out the door.
Sirius rushed down the stairs until he got to the common room. “James” He called out from the stairs.
James walked over to him.
“What do you want Black?” Sirius could hear the annoyance in his voice.
“It’s Remus. He needs you.” Sirius’ voice broke while speaking.
James noticed the tears in Sirius’ eyes and knew it was serious. He ran up the stairs and burst into the dorm. James immediately swooped Remus into his arms. Sirius sat outside the dorm listening.
“It happened again.” Remus’ voice was filled with hurt and fear.
Sirius realised at this moment how bad whatever happened to Remus was because his voice was filled with more pain of fear than it was after he had found out what Sirius had done to him.
“Who Remus? Who did it?” James sounded furious.
“David.” Remus’ whole body was shaking.
James held Remus tight. Pulling him into a protective and supportive hug. Remus just cried. They sat like that for hours. Sirius had ended up falling asleep outside the dorm.
****
After what happened with David, Remus had gone in a downward spiral. He had stopped hanging out with his friends, starting bunking classes and started drinking. Alot. The only time you could ever find Remus sober was the moment he woke up. Which would only be a few minutes before he would down his first bottle of fire whiskey for the day. Much to everyone's surprise, Remus was no longer a happy drunk. He was now an angry drunk. All his friends were becoming increasingly more worried about Remus. They all wanted to help him but every time they tried Remus would just get angry and lash out at them. It was clear that Remus was struggling but no one knew how to help him. It was a very dark time for Remus. That was easy to see. Seeing Remus turning into this was scary for him friends, but Remus didn’t know any other ways to cope.
“Remus, we need to talk.” Lily spoke sternly.
The common room was quiet and almost empty.
“There’s nothing to fucking talk about Lily.” There was anger bubbling in Remus veins waiting to be released.
“Please Remus, I just want you to get better.” Lily’s eyes were starting to water.
“I am better Evans.” Remus tried to fight the anger around Lily.
“No, you’re not. Drinking will never make it better. The second you’re sober it will all come crashing down onto you.” Lily voice was shaking while she tried to hold her tears in.
“It won’t come crashing down if I don’t sober up.” Remus shrugged.
“Please Remus, let me help you, please.” There was an unbearable pain in Lily’s voice.
Remus turned away and walked up to his dorm. He didn’t want to hear the pain in Lily’s voice while she begged him to let her help him. He didn’t want the help. He couldn’t be helped, not anymore. He was in too deep. He had gone too far. It was too late for him.
****
It was another late night in the Slytherin dorms. Dorcas and Pandora had snuck into Barty, Evan, and Regulus’s dorm. Regulus was sat on his bed reading a muggle book he’d borrowed from Remus. Pandora was laying on the floor, scribbling down potion ideas she wanted to try. Dorcas was sitting on the floor in front of Barty doing his makeup. Evan was laying down on his bed levitating a scrunched-up ball of paper. It was nice, no one was fighting, although Barty still wouldn’t speak to Evan, and no one knew why. But even with the two boys not talking, right now they were just kids hanging out at school.
“Hey, I haven’t seen Remus for a while.” Evan announced.
“Hm, me either.” Pandora added.
“Do you think he’s ok?” Dorcas asked while putting eyeliner on Barty’s waterline.
“I don’t know, maybe we should check on him.” Regulus answered.