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Sirius had no idea how he slept. He woke up with palpitations because there was a new member of their tiny family, and Sirius' heart wanted to leap out and meet his godson in person. This had never happened before, he didn't recall caring about something that much.
Harry. Harry James Potter. That little cornichon. Brown hair and a scrunched face, already looking a lot like his best friend.
Sirius stared up at the ceiling way shorter than he usually does when he wakes up and immediately reached for his phone for any news.
It was 6:31 am, he barely slept two hours and of course there was no news, except for the earlier messages Mary had sent: BABY INCOMING.
Sirius smiled to himself, he would call and bother James but maybe he was sleeping? Maybe Harry was finally sleeping? Lily? A little laugh escaped him, they were already a family, but now they had a little copy of themselves with them.
Sirius never thought he wanted that, being a parent. Not that he didn't like kids, he loved them, or not that he was too scared to be responsible. It was just this feeling, this fear of turning into something like his own parents, or worse, overcompensating and somehow... breaking the child?
But James. Lily. They were the perfect parental figures. Sirius was really happy being their friends, truly, but if the divine plan, or the simulation they were in happened to fail and he reincarnated as their child, he would so fucking agree to that. Lily was as if someone inverted his own mother, nothing in common whatsoever. She was warm, for god's sake, colourful, cheery, sweet.
For maybe one single day, Sirius had that idea that maybe he was crushing on her, but first of all, he would never do that to James who was head over heels for her from the second they met. And secondly, Sirius didn't feel desire, lust or whatever that made love, romantic love. It was safety that he felt, comfort and belonging, sort of. Lily was like a fucking meadow, a blanket of flowers (certainly smelled like one), sunshine warming you to your bones when you felt cold and what do you know, James felt pretty close to that, too.
It made sense. Them, together. Opposites attract, yes, but this wasn't like that. It wasn't like they were the same either, it was a third thing where everything connected and you didn't have to squint to see the bigger picture with them.
Sirius sighed quietly, it was of content. He turned his head to look at Remus. The boy was turned to the wall and his plaid blanket was over him. He was a quiet sleeper as Sirius noticed, he didn’t toss or turn, he slept on his side a lot and didn’t snore. Sometimes he let out small coughs, though.
He glanced at his phone again, still no news (shocker, right? 2 minutes with no news?). He turned to his side, the good side, not the side that had a tube in it two days ago, and closed his eyes again.
***
When he woke up for the third time that day, Remus was gone. His stuff was here. Sirius reached for his phone. It was 9:04 am now, and there were plenty of messages in their groupchat. James had told them about the baby and every single person there was congratulating them, asking for photos, but James had only sent some to Sirius, privately.
This kid was straight up the cutest baby Sirius had ever seen. His eyes were cloudy blue, but he knew that babies change eye colour in three months. His face was still wrinkly and tiny, and he was still such an angel.
The door knocked and that tiny nurse Sirius saw on his first day here entered.
"Mr Black, how are we feeling?"
"I'm okay," Sirius said as he sat up.
"Did you have a fever last night?"
"Uh..." Last night was not bland, completely opposite, so Sirius never quite thought about checking himself, but he felt fine, maybe it was because of the rush, "I'm not sure, I felt okay?"
"Good," the nurse smiled at him, "Do you mind if I draw blood?"
“Be my guest,” Sirius said as he reached out his arm.
“Are you hungry?”
Sirius nodded as the nurse took out the old cannula. She tied a glove around his biceps and drew three tubes of blood. He- okay. Okay, he shouldn’t be watching that.
The flow of the blood made him shudder and he felt yesterday’s cookies climbing up his throat into his mouth and he squeezed his fist not to gag. Blood wasn’t his best interest to watch and it was definitely not a pretty sight for this early in the morning. To look away, he turned his face towards Remus’s bed.
The blanket was not folded and the hook was empty, no bags of fluid hanging from it. Observing, Sirius came to realise that he was absolutely not cut out for staying in the hospital. Just in these two (and a half) nights he missed his bed terribly. He thought about how Remus must have missed his, because he was staying here clearly for much, much, much longer.
“Do you have any information about that Remus patient?” The words involuntarily left Sirius’ lips, his curiosity took over.
“Mr Lupin? Oh he’s such a nice guy. He was normally in the oncology building,” she took out the needle off his arm and pressed a piece of cotton on the little dot that was bubbling blood, “He has been here with us for a few weeks now. He’s always so kind. Never seen someone visit him, though, doesn’t have a lot of friends I suppose.”
“No family either?”
“Nobody came, I wouldn’t know. He’s downstairs with an attorney now, he should be back in a few minutes, I guess.”
“An attorney?” Sirius felt his eyebrows spring up a bit.
“Yeah about wills and stuff.”
Sirius wanted to say more, but his throat dried up and he felt like choking. He was really dying, wasn’t he?
The nurse picked up her stuff and left with Sirius’ blood samples and Sirius laid back on his bed. Death was never an easy thing for him to wrap his mind around, even after his brother’s.
“It’s Crouch. Something happened.”
That was the last time he got a phone call from Regulus’ phone number. And it wasn’t even his brother’s voice that he heard, which, now that he thought about it, sucks. There wasn’t a goodbye, there wasn’t a proper explanation.
Regulus and Sirius hadn’t been on talking terms for a while before he died. Sirius had wanted to reach out after he left home but it was too hard and then it was… rather complicated. Just a few days of no contact and then running into him in a dive bar bathroom stall as he puked his guts out, arm prickled as if he rolled on a porcupine.
Look, Sirius tried to be there. Sirius knew addiction was an actual, honest to god problem, and this was his little brother for fuck’s sake, of course he was gonna help him. But the thing was, he was staying with James and Lily that time (not being able to pay rent is a real issue) and that was the only place he could bring Regulus, too.
Once again, bless James Potter. He never complained, he didn’t hesitate to clean up Regulus’ vomit off the carpet, the couch, the sink… Lily too, she prepared meals that were easy for the stomach, they were a hospitable couple.
But Regulus was a Black after all. Sirius knew. The Black bloodline was cursed with betrayal and lies. So it was disappointing, but definitely not surprising for him to find out Regulus ran away, taking the money, the jewellery or pretty much anything he found valuable from the Potters in the middle of the night. That was it for Sirius. That was when he stopped returning his calls, no matter how much he called. It did not change anything for him when Regulus came back begging, bringing duffle bags full of money for all the things he stole from James and Lily, asking for forgiveness.
Sirius was never good at forgiving people. He thought Regulus would be different, he was his brother after all, but Sirius was a Black, too. The cruelty of leaving someone hanging with their apology in hand bubbled up inside, no matter how much he tried to push it down.
He wished that it didn’t.
He wished that he spoke to his little brother one more time.
He wished that he forgave him when he was still here.
The train of thought was derailed in his mind when the door opened again. Following the staff member in a pair of grey scrubs and leaving breakfast boxes, Remus dragged his feet inside, he was clearly winded a bit and he plopped down on his bed.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning.”
He looked as if he didn’t sleep at all. His eyes were sunken deep into his skull and there were new lines on his face Sirius was sure weren’t there merely hours ago.
Sirius wanted to say something, anything, he truly did. But the boy was clearly not feeling as good as yesterday, so wasn’t it better to give him some peace and quiet?
So he leaned back and took his phone in his hands and decided to check out if there was any news about the baby as he munched on his sandwich and sipped his juice. He wanted to call, desperately, but he knew that they needed the quiet, especially poor little Lily. He thought about them for the millionth time today, and he hoped that James cared for Lily first before the baby. That was what she deserved.
So he texted.
Time flies by when everyone in the groupchat is active and texting. Sirius realised that when he was late to his classes for the first time and it was reminded to him today as well, considering the past three hours passed with nothing. He only checked the time when the staff entered again, bringing hot lunch for the both of them.
Honestly, after living off Lily’s cooking for that much time, nothing looked good to him. Lily was a fucking gourmet chef and had taught Sirius some tips and tricks for his meals, too. The plate in front of him was shit.
As Sirius gagged on the so-called food, Remus was still sleeping.
***
The lunch break of the doctors ended, apparently, as the corridor filled with chatter and many people with scrubs passed in front of the door. The doctor that Sirius saw two days ago entered again, with a group of medical students in tow.
“Good afternoon, Mr Black, how are we feeling?”
The woman must have been a dominatrix in bed because her general aura was very strong, it made Sirius feel like he should say yes ma’am, and do anything she says.
“I’m okay, ma’am, I had a fever yesterday but your doctors and nurses took really good care of me,” Sirius smiled, in the way that he knew, proved even, was charming. This was proved once again when a couple girls in the group turned to each other and whispered stuff.
“That’s so good to hear, we got the lab results back an hour ago. Everything seems normal, we can discharge you today.”
Oh fuck yes.
“I would love that,” Sirius nodded.
“Our attending will give you the clearing after the rounds,” she turned to the group, “Who had Mr Black?”
The group started muttering among themselves, but eventually a kid with blond hair and notepad cleared his throat, “Dr Abbott, nobody got him in the group-”
“And why is that? I told you, every patient should have a med student.”
Watching this woman berating the kids did something in Sirius’ brain, so he looked away, out the window, biting the inside of his cheek so as not to smile.
The doctor and the group left, her shoes clacking on the marble floor.
“Discharging?”
The croaky voice came from the other side of the room and Sirius turned his face to see Remus laying on his side, still cocooned in his blanket. He looked like hell. His eyes were like a raccoon’s, his face was paler as if it was possible.
“Yeah, guess so.”
The crooked smile was brought back to his face and he nodded slightly, “I’m glad you didn’t stay for long. In the hospital, I mean. Not that I didn’t like your company,” he licked his lips and looked away, “You’re an interesting person, Sirius Black.”
Sirius’ throat tightened and he felt this lump in it as he swallowed, “I liked your company, too.”
“I’m glad you’re feeling good enough to be discharged, though.”
See now, how could Sirius respond to that?
His heart broke. It wasn’t fair, because if they met outside of this hospital, Sirius was sure that their friendship would last more than three days.
“Thanks,” he replied quietly. His eyes moved to the cold lunch tray on the bedside table, “You didn’t eat.”
“I don’t feel like it. I’m not hungry.”
“You didn’t eat yesterday, either.”
Remus chuckled, “Yes, that’s… that’s how declining works.”
To that, Sirius stepped off his bed and went beside Remus’. He crouched down, so they were on the eye level.
“I’ll come back.”
“What?”
“I’ll come back for you. Once I see the baby and handle stuff back at home, I’ll come back for you.”
A horizontal line covering Remus’ ears and cheeks and nose turned slightly pink and Sirius could literally see his eyes getting brighter. Remus was still on his side, looking right into Sirius’ eyes, and Sirius just wanted to melt. He wanted to become liquid and enter Remus’ brain, just to know what he’s thinking.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay,” Remus said, he licked his lips and bit down on some dead skin on them.
These moments never seemed to last. A tall guy with dark blue scrubs entered, holding a chart in his hands.
“Sirius Black?”
He patted his knee as he got up, “Yup, that’s me.”
“Let’s check you out.”
Sirius nodded, “At the desk?”
“Yeah, we have some files to fill at the desk, and then you can leave.”
Sirius took a moment to look down, “Can I come in five minutes?”
The doctor nodded and left, “Find me or the other attendings.”
Sirius crouched down once more, back to that position with Remus. He had no idea why he liked this so much, it felt somehow intimate.
“Give me your number,” Sirius said, as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and handed it over to him, “I’ll call you before I come, okay?”
Remus nodded and entered his digits on the phone, “Lupin. L-U-P-I-N.”
“Got you.”
Sirius turned back to his side of the room and packed his stuff in the bag James brought when he came. He would’ve liked a change of clothes before he left but apparently, James didn’t think it through. He probably thought that he’d have an opportunity to go and get more stuff if Sirius needed, but a small little cornichon had interrupted his plans.
That was fine, though. Sirius’ pyjamas were completely acceptable as an outfit too, considering it was sweatpants and a bleach stained, maybe a bit worn out black t-shirt with muppets on it. He went to the bathroom, peed, brushed his teeth and washed his face. God, his hair was a mess. He couldn’t shower here, he was going to jump in the washing machine when he arrived home.
Everything was packed, after all. He got his wallet and phone in his pockets and the bag on his shoulder.
Remus’ eyes were closed and he was once again wrapped in his blanket. Sirius leaned over him.
“Remus.”
“Hm?”
“I’m leaving.”
Remus’ eyes opened, looking up at the man above him, “Okay.”
“Wait for me, alright? I’ll be back for you.”
It was either because his skin was shrinking back or it was something he had and Sirius didn’t realise, but Remus’ eyelashes were very long. Sirius could see it when he was this close and as he blinked.
“Yeah. I’ll wait.”
Sirius was never good with goodbyes. This was the best he could do. Straightening up, he went to the desk.
***
He was not sure why, but he had never been a fan of warm showers. The cold water was his friend, or he was conditioned to think that for some reason. Water poured down as Sirius shampooed his hair until the bottle was empty. There were still pecks of dried blood, and as the lathered himself, he felt the pain gradually leave his body, too.
He had to take a cab home, because one, he was serious about never getting on the bike again and two, even if he did, his bike was unfixable. He wrapped his towel on his head and around his waist and passed the black helmets that he was never gonna use again.
On his way back, he called James. Harry was doing just fine, Lily was still getting postpartum contractions due to her uterus shrinking (you have no idea how many books Sirius read on pregnancy), but all in all everything was going peachy.
So. His gift for the new parents?
Sirius prepared his bag and called a cab, holding James and Lily’s spare key in his hand, and met with Mary and Marlene.
Twenty two hours of deep cleaning spread out to three days.
You could eat off the floor.
They didn’t just clean, Marlene made so much stuff to just microwave and eat, all new-mum friendly of course, and Mary and Sirius set up the crib. James and Sirius had gone through baby-proofing the house, but they weren’t all the way done. It wasn’t entirely necessary yet, since Harry wouldn’t be able to walk for almost a year, but Sirius completed the task, sponging the hard edges and removing everything sharp.
And the thing was, it wasn’t limited to the house. Sirius went to the medical centre to pick up James’ car, and deep cleaned that, too. He added a comfort cushion in the backseat for Lily and the baby seat for Harry.
James and Lily brought the baby back home on the fourth day, and even though both Sirius and James were very keen on partying, Sirius knew that Lily out of all people needed the rest, so the party was postponed to whenever they felt like it. Fortunately, Lily had her baby shower weeks ago, that was one less thing to deal with.
James was the one who was carrying the stuff and Harry, so Mary and Marlene could be all over Lily. It was emotional, really, how they cared for her before even glancing at the baby. Then it was finally Sirius’ turn.
She probably hadn’t properly washed in days, but this was Lily, and Lily always smelled good. Her peach shampoo always left a pleasant trace. Sirius had missed it.
“I’m so proud of you, pickle.”
“Thank you, Pads,” Lily mumbled as her face was buried in Sirius’ hair, too, “How are you feeling? Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” Sirius smiled at her. She looked beautiful as always.
As everyone got settled in, Sirius just watched Harry. This baby was truly the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, the clothes were big on him and it showed, he looked as if he was going to disappear in the onesie. The little gloves, the little socks, Sirius could lose his mind.
It was a joint decision between the newly parents and Sirius that he would spend a few nights here, for extra care. Lily had lost her mum in the year of their graduation and her dad a couple more years prior, she absolutely did not want her sister near at this stressful period. Sirius was going to take the first few nights, then it was going to be Effie, then Mary, and whoever volunteers first next.
Harry was changing so fast in just days, and Sirius knew that it happened the newborn days, especially now that Harry was premature. But it didn’t slow the time down. At all. It felt like a blink of an eye when his time was done there. Lily was breastfeeding when James reminded Sirius to pack and go home.
“I can stay more,” Sirius said, “I still have that baby-and-postpartum-mummy-sitting energy in me.”
“Ha, ha,” Lily rolled her eyes. Sirius was never worried whether or not she was serious, because it was never easy to annoy her, “Pads, you gotta go home. You need the rest, too. You just got out of the hospital, need I remind you?”
“I didn’t just get out of the hospital, it has been a week and I’m perfectly fine as you see.”
“Yes but you need the rest, Sirius,” she insisted, “That was not just a minor accident. We’re not keeping Harry from you, you are very welcome to come again once you get a nice, eight hours of sleep.”
Sirius knew that she was right of course, and sleep did sound nice. Euphemia was almost here anyway.
“But I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“Of course you will.”
James slapped his knee as he got up, “Come on, I’ll walk you out.”
Sirius kissed Lily on the head and picked up his backpack before walking towards the door, where James followed him.
“You okay?”
Sirius looked up at him while he put on his shoes, “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
“I dunno, physically? Can breathe? Can pee?”
“Yep, functioning well,” Sirius snorted.
“Good,” James smiled as Sirius tied his laces, “I suppose it must be good to be back from the hospital, huh? How’s- how’s Remus, do you have any news?”
Oh shit.
Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit.
How could he fucking forget about Remus?
Fuck.
“Uh, I- I couldn’t ask. I should give him a call, to see what’s going on and stuff. He was- he wasn’t doing the best when I left, though.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. I’ll visit him today or tomorrow, I guess.”
James gave him his patented smile and was it not the best thing Sirius had ever seen? Wherever, whenever, James Potter had a smile that was never unnecessary. “Let me know if I can do something.”
“Okay. Thanks, Prongs.”
***
Sirius, for some reason, waited until he got home. He spent the cab ride thinking of excuses because what kind of a disgusting person would he be if he just said, hey Remus, sorry that I forgot about you.
Sirius bit down on the skin around his thumb as he paced in his house, but finally, he tapped on the little phone symbol under Remus’ name.
“Hey, this is Lupin. Please leave a message.”
Sirius didn’t know if this was better than if Remus picked up or what to say after the phone beeped.
Okay, delete. Start over, then.
“Hey, this is Lupin. Please leave a message.”
“Hey, Remus, this- this is Sirius, uh, Black, from the hospital-”
Fuck, okay, delete, start over.
“Hey, this is Lupin. Please leave a message.”
“Hi Remus, it’s Sirius from the hospital. I meant to come over and see you, if you wanted too, sorry that I haven’t called, with the baby and… and all.”
Sirius took a deep breath, so far so good.
“I really hope you’re not mad at me for calling sooner, it’s just- I wanted to help around and… Okay. Call me back.”
Sirius tossed his phone aside with a sigh. Of course Remus was mad at him, he was dying for fuck’s sake, he had the right to be mad at anyone he wanted, especially the person who promised to be back for him and would’ve completely forgotten if his new-dad friend hadn’t reminded him until it was too late.
Too late.
Fuck, what if it was too late? Like, Remus was fine, well, not fine, but he was alive and walking around and joking and nailing the trivia questions on TV, and, and, and he was laughing and all. Would a person with cancer decline that fast? Would it take only seven days? Was seven days enough for someone to disappear?
But, he would’ve heard if he died, right?
Although, who would tell him? Not the hospital staff, for sure, because it wasn’t like Sirius and Remus were friends or Sirius asked anyone for that. Would Remus tell the nurses to contact Sirius in case…
This was stupid. There was no evidence of it being too late right now. Remus could simply be busy with… something. He could be in the restroom, for all that Sirius knew.
Okay, he was going to give him time until he was done showering. He got his phone in the ringer and placed it next to the tub as he showered.
When he was done showering, he checked his phone. No news. To be fair, it had been only thirteen minutes.
So Sirius did his routine. He did his skincare, haircare, brushed his teeth, shaved the little moustache he grew in the hospital.
It has been thirty seven minutes. No news.
Taking a deep breath and holding it in, he dialled again.
“Hey, this is Lupin. Please leave a message.”
Fuck.
Sirius hung up the phone, there was no point in waiting now if the wait would be a torture for him.
***
The cab ride was hell. It didn’t feel fast enough, and Sirius made his thumb bleed as he was fidgeting. He had no idea how he crossed the road and entered the hospital and reached the front desk, but here he was.
“Hi. I was a patient here a week ago, in the pulmonary care service. Uh, Sirius Black. I had a roommate, Remus Lupin, I wanted to ask if I could see him?”
The young man smiled as he answered, “I’m sorry Mr Black, I cannot check patients here, but if you go to the corridor on the right and take the lift to the third floor, you can ask the nurse desk there.”
“Alright, thank you so much,” Sirius tapped his knuckles on the desk as he rushed towards the lifts. The line would kill him if he waited for it, so he sprinted towards the stairs.
The pulmonary care service had the scent that was nailed in Sirius’ brain, he didn’t realise that when he was staying here but now that he got a whiff of the antiseptic again, it touched something in his brain.
“Hi,” he said to the person sitting at the desk, and when she lifted his head, Sirius noticed that it was the same nurse that got his catheter out, “I was a patient here a week ago, Sirius Black.”
“Yes, Mr Black, how can I help?”
“Yeah, so, I had a roommate, Remus Lupin. I wondered if I could see him?”
The nurse looked at the computer for one second and returned her gaze to Sirius, “I’m sorry, Mr Lupin has been taken to the ICU three days ago.”
Ah fuck.
Sirius felt something going on in his chest. His stomach dipped, he could hear his heartbeat in his ears.
“Can I see him?”
“Mr Lupin is in no shape to entertain visitors right now, I’m so sorry.”
“He… When will he get out, do you know?”
The nurse looked over to the older nurse next to her, who was clearly listening to the conversation as well. She took over, “How are you related to Mr Lupin exactly?”
“I’m- we were roommates but uh, we became friends there.”
“Mr Lupin has signed a DNR form, Mr Black, he will not be getting out of the ICU.”
Sirius’ heart sank as if pulled by a lead weight. The news hit him like a sucker punch to the gut. He had hoped that there was a chance to make it right to him, at least apologise for being so late. Anguish twisted his insides as what the nurse said settled in: Remus would not be leaving the sterile confines of the hospital alive. It was a cruel twist of fate, a stark reminder of life's fragility, and he struggled to comprehend the finality of it all.
“Will… Will anyone pick his body up?”
He didn’t know how he managed to get words out anymore, it felt as if someone was strangling him.
The nurse clicked and typed something on the computer, and she shook her head. The screen was reflecting on her glasses, Sirius could pick out the mirrored and bold name of Remus John Lupin on top of the screen.
“Nobody has been listed here yet. Would you like us to contact you for it?”
He nodded, “Yeah, that- that would be good, thank you.”
The nurse opened and closed some drawers and finally pulled out a piece of paper. Sirius waited as she wrote Remus’ barcode number and name and a bunch of information on it. She put the paper and the pen on the desk for Sirius to fill in the rest for his information.
While writing down his contact information, he gazed up. There were so many things that Sirius didn’t know about Remus and he wished to get to know those from him, even if they were so little. His birthday was March 10th, for example, he was a Pisces. His middle name was John. He was born in Pembroke, Wales.
Now who was Sirius supposed to ask for these?
He filled out the form. He checked the little box that said “I want to claim the body after death” and slid the paper across the desk for the nurse to take.