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Three days after Sirius’ visit to the hospital, he got the phone call notifying him of the death of Remus John Lupin.
He got the phone call early in the morning, he was home and he had plans to visit Harry today. It was Mary’s day there, it would be nice to catch up and all.
When the unsaved number hung up, Sirius couldn’t help but stare at his phone. It didn’t stop him from staring even when his phone locked and all he could see on the black screen was his own reflection. He didn’t know what to feel. Sadness, for sure, but on what level?
Should he cry? Should he call someone? Was it a loss if you knew the person for three days and let them down by not going to their side for a week? What would define a loss? Was he not feeling bad enough about this right now?
It was still pretty early, seven thirty or something, and Sirius knew better than to call James now. It wasn’t like they could get a lot of sleep anyway, but he just… didn’t know how to process these emotions, he didn’t know what he was feeling, and he needed help.
So he just texted.
>Are you awake?
Fortunately, Harry was keeping James awake.
>Yep. Sup?
>I have to call.
Before an answer arrived, his phone started ringing.
“What’s up Pads?” James said, Sirius could hear Harry’s wailing in the background.
“I know you’re busy, but I need help,” Sirius let out as quickly as he could, he didn’t trust himself to speak more.
“Okay. Yes, okay, I’ll be there in fifteen.”
***
Sirius had no idea what his face looked like when he opened the door for James to enter, but evidently it was very grim because the first thing James did was to hold him from his shoulders.
“Are you okay?”
“Remus died.”
James’ muscular arms wrapped around Sirius’ body, “Dude, I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah…” he mumbled. James was almost a foot taller than him, and his words were muffled in the other boy’s shoulder.
“When is his funeral, do you wanna go?”
“Uh… Yeah, see, that’s- that’s the thing,” Sirius bit his lip, still looking down, “Remus didn’t have anyone to collect his body from the hospital. I signed for it, I’m… I wanted to give him a funeral.”
“Okay buddy,” James whispered, “Yes, okay, we can do that. Do you know anyone that would like to come? We can invite our friends if you don’t.”
“Um, yes, would that be okay?”
“Of course. We’ll get everyone to come. It’ll be crowded. I promise.”
“I gotta go pick him up,” Sirius felt his hands shaking. Oh, he was there, he was gonna cry, “Don’t let me pick him up alone, come with me, James- I can’t go alone, don’t make me-”
“Hey, Pads, no,” James’ arms tightened around him, “We’ll go together, we’ll do it all together okay?”
“I’m really sorry-” Sirius’ breath hitched, “I don’t know why I’m crying, we barely knew each other.”
“Connection can happen instantly,” James guided him to sit down, “You and I had that, Lily and I had that, too, you know?”
Sirius didn’t know if that was a connection or not, but he knew that it was gone now. Gone with him. Was it grief that he was feeling? It was different when he lost Regulus. When Reg died he felt as if someone ripped a part of his body along with his brother and he had to come to terms with the fact that he was supposed to live with it. He loved Regulus. More than he loved anything. He was his best friend, his protector, his biggest bully, his comfort, his fear.
No, this was definitely different. Sirius was crying for something he wanted but never got to have. He was crying for the chances he lost. He was crying for this person with nobody to pick his body up after his death. He was crying over what could have been. He was crying for this boy who he knew nothing about, and it was not hurting him less.
James helped him up once his sobs subsided, and they got into his car. The ride was quiet except for the phone call Sirius had with the funeral services.
“So they’re bringing a car over here for him,” Sirius sniffled as James pulled up to the hospital’s parking lot, “They’ll have a room prepared for the funeral, I chose the simplest option, I don’t know what he liked.”
“Sounds lovely. I’ll let people know.”
“It’s gonna be this evening at seven,” Sirius said and unfastened his seatbelt, “It’ll be an open casket, then they’ll take him to the crematorium.”
They got out of the car and as they walked to the entrance, Sirius kept telling James about the things they had planned, “We’ll have around thirty minutes of service and then we’ll get a memorial headstone done tomorrow. I’m- I’m thinking by Reggie’s side?”
James stopped in his tracks.
Sirius turned to him, still sniffling, “What?”
“You- Have you even been to Regulus’ grave yet? It’s been nine months, right?”
Sirius held his breath and looked away.
“Won’t it be hard on you?” James asked, holding Sirius’ shoulder.
“I’ll be okay.”
“Yeah?”
He lied, “Yeah.”
His mind swirled with thoughts of the upcoming funeral. This was going to be his chance to somehow redeem himself, he thought. About the mistakes he made. About how he let both Regulus and Remus down. He didn’t realise James did the talking with the nurses, and he got back into the reality when James sat him down as they waited. He fidgeted, he only noticed it when he ripped a chunk of dead skin off his thumb and it started bleeding.
“We should’ve gotten him a suit.”
“Hm?” James turned to Sirius.
“It- It’s gonna be an open casket, we should’ve gotten him a suit.”
“I’m sure we can get some rentals.”
Sirius could only nod. What was a suit gonna do for a dead man, anyway? He just wished… that Remus looked nice as his life was being appreciated.
“Mr Black, is it?”
Sirius looked up to the staff that came over, he was standing over him with a case in hand.
“Yeah it’s me.”
“I brought Mr Lupin’s stuff,” he gestured to the brown bag, “What would you like to do with it?”
Sirius’ eyes fixated on it, specifically on the RJ Lupin writing on it. He didn’t think he could speak.
“We’ll take that, thanks,” James reached and grabbed the bag out of the man’s hand and turned to him, “You don’t have to look inside if you don’t want to. We can donate these, okay?”
“I kind of do want to.”
James gave him a small smile, “Okay Padfoot, whenever you’re ready.”
A short nurse approached them from the front desk, where a man with ginger hair was standing now.
“The funeral services are here. Would you like to see the body before they take it?”
It.
“Him,” Sirius corrected.
“Yes, sorry, would you like to see the body before they take him?”
Sirius sighed and looked down. His shoes were dirty. He made a mental note to clean them when he was back home before the funeral, “No, they can take him.”
***
James stopped the car in front of Sirius’ house, “Are you sure you don’t want me coming in?”
“Yeah, I’m sure, I’ll be alright,” Sirius mumbled as he stepped out of the car, taking the bag with him, “If Lily can’t make it, I’d totally understand.”
“No, it’s okay, my mum’s coming over to babysit Harry tonight,” James sighed, “It’ll be better for Lily to take a bit of time off from him too, I guess. You know, postpartum depression and all.”
“Is she taking her meds?” he asked after he closed the door and leaned in on the window.
“She is,” James said hesitantly, “Not particularly liking it, though. I told her that many new mums go through this, but I guess she feels a bit… bad?”
Sirius tutted, “It’s gonna work out eventually.”
“Hope so, too. Do you want me to pick you up?”
“I’ll take a cab and meet you there.”
Once James left, Sirius went inside and put the bag on the living room carpet. He stood over it and just observed it from afar.
Would it be right if he opened it? Would Remus want that? What if he had private stuff inside, stuff that he didn’t want Sirius to see? Was he even allowed to do that?
Fuck it.
Sirius got on his knees and unzipped the bag.
Although it looked full, there was only a few stuff in there. The plaid blanket was folded and on top, Sirius took it out to see what was underneath and-
The fucking blanket smelled like him.
Sirius didn’t even realise Remus had a distinctive scent, maybe of soap? Or some kind of shampoo? He lifted the blanket on his face and inhaled the scent in again, it was definitely the familiar scent he had for three days. He thought he had forgotten about it. But Sirius never forgot a smell or a taste. His olfactory receptors were too strong for that and he couldn’t help but sniff the blanket again, and again, and then he was crying once more.
The blanket was fuzzy, not the kind Sirius particularly liked, but it was soft, and it smelled like him, it was so good for Sirius’ nose right there and then. Why was he feeling this way? Two of those three days Sirius spent with Remus, he was in pain. Immense pain, even, dick pain for god’s sake. So why was this scent not associated with the pain and comfort for him?
He pressed the blanket onto his face and hiccupped, letting himself cry. He was careful not to get any snot on the blanket though, he was definitely not gonna wash this for a while, he knew.
Letting the blanket down, he took a gander at the other stuff. Phone, charger, earphones, three books and a comic about Bowie, with Ziggy Stardust as the cover.
You liked Bowie, Remus? I like Bowie, too.
Two of the books were Murakami’s, and the last one was Polidori’s Vampyre which… which was bookmarked. He hadn’t finished it.
And that was it. This was what was remaining from Remus John Lupin, after the attorney donated the stuff on his will and took the ID card, driver’s licence, credit cards etc. to cancel them or finalise the paperwork.
He wanted to look at the pages of the book, but he felt his heart clenching, so this had to be the end of it for today.
Sirius filled the bag except for the blanket which he spread over his bed, and then put it aside. He had to get ready for the funeral, so he took a shower, did his hair and shaved.
When he came back to his bedroom, he dropped his towels and climbed on the bed. He wrapped the blanket on himself, fully cocooning inside, sniffing it again and again.
I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry, Remus.
He laid on his side and sort of rolled onto his stomach, still holding the blanket tightly around him. It still smelled like Remus. It was always gonna smell like Remus, no matter how much time passed.
I’m so fucking sorry.
He didn’t know how much time he spent there, swaddled, but he knew that he needed to get up and get ready. He folded the blanket neatly and went to pick out one of his black suits, black ties and black shirts. His fingers grazed over the blanket before he locked up and left when his ride arrived.
***
James did a great job.
Like, yes, the funeral service also did a great job with the decorations and the venue, but James Potter gathered more than fifty people for Remus’ funeral. For someone who they never met. But nobody was sloppy, people were looking solemn, all dressed in black and quiet.
And there he laid. Sirius could see the casket and maybe a few strands of Remus’ hair if he squinted, but he had to go over there to actually see his face. On the path stood James, Lily and Mary. So he walked over to them first.
Lily’s hug was the first interaction they had.
“I’m sorry for your loss, Pads,” she sniffled. Mrs Prongs had been crying, probably because of the hormones still going absolutely insane, but it felt good to know that people were crying at his funeral.
“Thanks gherkin.”
Then it was Mary, and Marlene got out of her seat, along with Dorcas, Emmeline, Pete…
“Thank you guys, for coming. I know it’s not an ideal evening plan to attend a stranger’s funeral, but-”
“Don’t be an idiot,” Mary bumped their shoulders together.
As people who had never seen Remus Lupin in their lives walked over to the casket to see him for the first time, laid in rest, Sirius knew that he had to as well.
“I’m right behind you, Pads,” James whispered as Sirius felt his feet drag towards the end of the aisle.
Remus looked different. The funeral house got him in a suit, alright, but it didn’t fit very well. He was a lot skinnier than Sirius remembered, his cheeks hollow and bones standing out. Unlike many other deceased faces he had seen, Remus didn’t look to be in peace, as if he was sleeping or so, no, Remus still looked sick. His lips were chapped and he looked like he was in pain, even though every muscle on his face was relaxed.
He still smelled the same. Or so he thought.
Sirius reached his hand into the casket and fixed Remus’ tie, and gently grazed his cheek with the back of his index finger.
They sat through a dull speech given by a pastor or something, Sirius never believed in such stuff, or liked, but this wasn’t for him after all, this was for Remus and Sirius never had the opportunity to ask if he believed or not. This wasn’t awful, it was rather nice, to be honest.
The funeral was finally adjourned, the staff for the service came over to the casket and closed it down and loaded it on the truck. Sirius got in the car with James, leaving Lily to get in Mary’s car to go back to their home.
“Fuck, I forgot an urn,” Sirius groaned.
James reached to the floor on the back and pulled out a grey urn, “Lily thought of that.”
Sirius took the cold metal from James’ hands and stared at it. Fucking Lily. Fucking James. Would Sirius even function without them?
“Thanks.”
Sirius jumped back out, reaching for the men in the truck, handing them the urn and thanking them for their service for today. They wished him patience during his time of loss, and they took Remus away, while Sirius could only stare.
He heard the car door close, and James’ footsteps approach.
“How about we go get something to drink, the two of us? It’ll be a celebration of his life.”
***
“Was this stupid?” Sirius asked as James put down his bottle of beer down on the coffee table. They were sitting on the carpet, their ties loosened a bit but as they were at the funeral.
“It wasn’t.”
“I had ruined so many people’s night by calling them to a funeral of a man they didn’t know, that I barely knew.”
“Nobody minded that, Sirius, we all just wanted to be there for you.”
Sirius sighed as he gulped his beer down and looked away.
“Tell me what you know.”
“Hm?”
“Tell me what you know about him,” James repeated, “If you want. Like, I know that uh, he had been to Vatican City.”
“Mm…” Sirius said as he smiled, “Yup, his birthday was only seventeen days before yours. Same year and all.”
“No kidding?”
“Yeah. He was born in Wales, didn’t know his mum, uh… He had this- had-”
Fuck, he was crying again.
When did he start crying so much, he didn’t know.
He closed his face with his forearm, holding it upright not to spill his beer and he hiccupped, “He had this very beautiful smile and-”
James dragged himself on his feet towards him, shushing him and holding his head in his arms and pressing him to his chest, “It’s okay.”
“I don’t know why I’m like this,” Sirius’ breath hitched, as he let himself cry, snottily and gasping, “It felt like it meant something to me. It was so odd, James, it was like this force pulling me, and I wish I knew him better, I- I wish- I wish-”
“Pads, it’s okay.”
“I wish we had more time-” Sirius’ sobs became louder, and he let James envelope him in his arms.
It wasn’t like anything Sirius experienced. To lose someone that you knew you were gonna love, before you even got to know them. His heart ached for the possibility.
***
Sirius absolutely regretted the decision to make James go back home, to insist that he was fine going by himself to pick up the ashes and to place the headstone in the church, because this was absolutely wrecking. They had placed the ashes in the urn Lily gave, and Sirius could hold it in one hand. One life, in a metal vase with a lid, fitting in his right hand. Cold like Remus’ hands.
He got in the truck with the funeral service, still holding on to the urn tightly to arrive at the church.
The ginger man and his friend got off the truck first and they unloaded the rectangular headstone. It was simple, very minimalistic, just a grey marble headstone that had his name, his birth and death dates. Sirius guided the men to the spot he had in mind, and sat on the ground as they got it done.
For the last time, the men offered their condolences and shook Sirius’ hands before they left, and he was alone in the grounds, the back of the church he always dreaded to come to when he was a kid, standing next to his brother’s headstone with an urn in his hands.
He sat right between the two headstones, looking left and right.
Regulus’ grave, unsurprisingly, was made with black marble. It might have been the best looking one here when it was first put, but overtime, the inscription kind of faded, and it was dusty.
Sirius pulled his sleeve to his fist and wiped the dust off the headstone, picked the weeds in the bottom.
“Brought you a friend.”
He looked over to Remus’ side and sighed, “He’s good company, when he’s not a dick. Doesn’t snore,” he chuckled to himself.
“I feel guilty. That I wasn’t here for either of you when you died,” he took a deep breath, “Ashamed, too. It’s funny isn’t it? I knew Reggie since his birth, and I knew nothing about you, Remus, so limited knowledge. Such a mysterious character you are. I’m sorry. I wish I could’ve tracked someone down to tell me more about you- no, what I really wish is to hear them from you, but- well, that’s not happening, is it?”
“He took care of me. When I was in the hospital and James had to leave. He is a kindred spirit, like we never were. He’s here now, with you, and he’s gonna take care of you there like he took care of me here.”
The sun started setting.
“Don’t be angry with me that I didn’t do all these for you, though. I would’ve done so much for you. It’s just not someone’s wish to prepare a funeral for their baby brother. I dreaded it. You know it. Not only because I’d run into her here, but because… I was supposed to protect you from all that. I should’ve believed in you more when you started rehab, I should’ve been there, I should’ve been more forgiving. I’m sorry.”
“Funny how it took a stranger for me to come visit you, I guess.”
The branches on the tree above his head let out cracking sounds as the wind got stronger. The sky was painted in the shades of pink and violet as the day ended.
“I’ll come back,” he said and he couldn’t help but laugh a bit, “I promise I’ll come back sooner. Not that you two are going anywhere.”
He helped himself off the ground, and turned back to Remus’ headstone before leaving, “Oh, I got some of your stuff, hope you don’t mind.”
The evening was windy but not at all cold, or Sirius had stopped feeling it a few hours ago. He left the church, looking back only once and started walking back home.
The streets were crowded as ever and everybody was in a rush to get back home. He crossed the roads, took his sweet time walking home. He left the chaos of the city behind as he got closer.
The streetlights were the only source of light besides the full moon that was hiding behind the clouds. Sirius reached the bridge on the river on his way back home, and that’s when the wind stopped.
Everything stopped.
It went quiet all of a sudden and Sirius looked up to see the clouds clearing the moon for a perfect view, and a flawless reflection on the river that was silently flowing.
He took a deep breath as he opened the lid of the urn. The white ashes glowed under the moonlight.
“This is it for your physicality, huh?”
As he poured the powdered remains, a gentle breeze carried it along the river.
“I’ll read your books,” he whispered, “I’ll remember your name, I’ll sleep wrapped in your blanket.”
He waited until the ashes disappeared completely, watching them scatter around. The air got chilly, and he put his hands in his pockets as he walked home.