mess
It was the middle of the night when he opened his eyes. He couldn’t move his head. He looked around as much as he could, and he was alone, everything was so dark that he couldn’t see anything.
There was something on his chest. Something was pressing down on his ribs and he could feel his lungs squeezing. He couldn’t breathe, he had a ringing in his ears and he started panicking.
Sirius wanted to yell out for help but there was no air coming out of his throat, he was being suffocated, asphyxiated, something was strangling him.
James was supposed to be here. Where the fuck was James?
If he couldn’t yell, he could bang his fist on the bed, maybe making some sounds.
His hand moved rather slowly as if he was underwater. There was no sound coming from the mattress, because, well, his hand wasn’t hitting it, it was so fucking slow.
The dark ceiling was coming down on him, everything was crashing, and he couldn’t breathe, he was dying, he was dying, he was-
This was a dream.
That was when he realised he was in a dream.
Wake up. Wake up.
Wake the fuck up.
Sirius opened his eyes again.
Then again.
Then again.
The nightmare was not ending and every time he woke up, he was in another one, telescoping. As if he was sliding off a hill and he had nothing to hold onto, so he waited, falling, falling, falling...
What woke him up was his friend’s ice cold hand on his forehead.
Sirius opened his eyes, for real this time and stared at the ceiling. The sun was up and the branches of a nearby tree created shapes above him. His ears were still ringing and he could feel his heart palpitating in his chest.
“Sirius?”
His vision blurred and he blinked a few times as he turned his face to James, who repeated himself. “Sirius?”
His face was on fire and he could feel his eyes stinging, then closing involuntarily.
"Hey. Hey, no, stay awake, Pads, can you hear me?" his voice was getting more distorted by the second.
The last thing Sirius heard was a velvet soft voice, asking "What's wrong with him?"
***
"I told you to never call me again, didn't I?"
"..."
"Didn't I?"
"..."
"Regulus?"
"It's Crouch. Something happened."
***
The pungent scent of antiseptic entered through his nostrils and travelled through the cavity, sending burning alarms to his neurons. It alone was not strong enough, but the added stinging pain in his arm made his eyes flutter.
He felt the cold needle enter a couple inches before it was pulled back and the aching intensified, which made him groan as much as he could.
The sound of his own groan popped his ears open and suddenly he could hear his breathing, along with other people's, the chatting outside, dripping, dripping, dripping...
"Sirius, are you awake?"
He tried to force his eyelids to open, he was feeling more and more of his body every passing moment, and then...
His dick.
His fucking dick was hurting.
This did it, his eyes snapped open when he felt a tugging on the top of his penis and it was hurting just so fucking much.
"Wait- wait-" He yelled, his body released maximum doses of adrenaline with the agonising pain. The nurse was taking the catheter out and it was scraping in his urethrae, which, he could swear, never used to hurt like this. "No- fuck, stop!"
"Mr Black-" the nurse began, but then James took over.
"Sirius, the catheter caused an infection, you're burning. They're gonna take it out, okay?"
This was but a rhetoric question because before Sirius could add anything else, the tube scraped out of the top of his cock. He gripped the sheets and screamed as it left completely.
"Fuck- fuck- fuck-" Sirius couldn't breathe, his lungs were being squeezed, he felt the throbbing of his dick reaching his entire pelvis. He closed his eyes, he was bleeding he was sure of it, because he could feel a terrifying leak going down his shaft. He felt a cotton wipe it off down there, and he opened his eyes to look.
It wasn't blood, it was some sort of pus, and he could see himself red and inflamed there.
"Fuck-" he gasped again, his voice shaking, "What the fuck?"
"Now I'm just gonna apply some medicine down the hole, okay?" said the nurse with bright blonde hair and big eyes, "It might sting a little bit-"
"Fuck you're not?" Sirius pulled himself up and sat on the bed, which was a terrible decision because he was dizzy and shifting his position made his dick hurt like hell. He took a deep breath, his eyes were too cold for his body and he could feel them watering, "No, wait, isn't there like an... An anaesthetic you can use?"
"Pads it's gonna be okay-"
"James, this is my dick!" Sirius yelled, panting.
"Hey."
Sirius looked up to see Remus, dragging the hanger his IV was on and coming towards him. He sat down on the chair that James was sitting on originally and held Sirius' forearm. "It's gonna be okay. You passed the point that hurt the most, it was taking the catheter out. After that, nothing's pain, alright?"
Sirius' eyes moved to James, then to the nurse, then Remus again. Frankly, the calmest one in the room seemed to be Remus, and Sirius could swear that James wouldn't be this worried about his own dick, by the looks of it.
Sirius bit his lip and turned to the nurse as he nodded.
The nurse grabbed his dick in such a way that Sirius would make ten jokes in five seconds if he wasn't in tremendous pain. She pushed a needleless syringe on the top and let a clear liquid flow down.
"What do you know, it doesn't hurt that much..." Sirius mumbled.
For some reason, the corner of Remus' lips curled up as he said, "That was just saline solution."
Honestly? Fuck that guy, sometimes.
The nurse filled the syringe with an off-white liquid again and slowly did the same.
Look, it stung. It stung like hell. But Sirius bit his lip and didn't even whimper, because Remus was right after all. The nurse rubbed his dick up and down once and he could feel the warm liquid going down his shaft, bringing a strange relieving feeling with it.
After the initial shock, Sirius realised something: His dick was out in the open. Yes, the nurse obviously saw it but James did, too. And Remus.
"Good job," Remus patted Sirius' shoulder as he got up off the chair. Sirius nodded once and the sickly boy dragged his feet back to his bed.
"How are you feeling, Pads?"
"M'okay."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, I would like it better if I was covered up a bit, though," Sirius forced a chuckle out. His head was spinning and he could feel the warmth of skin burning his eyes.
"It's okay, it's not something I haven't seen," James grinned.
Sirius shook his head, "No, dude-"
Oh he shouldn't have shaken his head.
"Dizzy?" James asked, helping him put his head back on the pillow. Sirius nodded once.
"Mr Black, we will get you some antibiotics in a few minutes, okay? You can sleep if you like. Please drink a lot of water when you wake up and try peeing when you wake up. If you experience any burning or pain, let us know, okay?”
As the nurse left, Sirius’ butt slid down the bed and he got into the horizontal position once more. He let out a soft sigh, laying down made his spine set in place and he felt the vertebrae sit back in place.
“Do you want me to turn off the lights?” James asked, quieter now.
“No, it’s fine.”
“You sure?”
Sirius just mumbled positively and closed his eyes. The light was filtering through but it wasn’t bothering him, even though with the disturbing white shade of it.
“He’ll be okay,” he heard Remus whisper to James, “It’s not a big deal, the catheter infection.”
“He was burning, though.”
“Yeah, but… I mean, he’s already at the hospital, they wouldn’t let him get worse after all.”
“Guess so,” James said quietly.
For a few minutes, Sirius tried to fall asleep. He did feel tired, so it was a mystery why he couldn’t manage to sleep. He listened to James’ taps on his phone, Remus turning pages on his book and occasional outside chatter.
***
Sirius slept. Or so he thinks. His mind emptied and he heard ringing far far away when finally his brain started to process things and the ringing came closer, right next to his bed, actually. James’ phone was vibrating and playing that awful melody Sirius has always hated.
It took him a few moments to realise that he had opened his eyes. It was dark. He knows for sure it wasn’t dark when he fell asleep, so he must have been sleeping for hours.
“James.”
Sirius supported his weight with his palms and sat up a bit.
“James.”
The thing was, the ringing was very quiet, quiet enough not to wake the other two people in the room. It felt like Sirius’ brain was done charging and it was looking for reasons to wake up. Sirius reached towards James and tapped his leg with two fingers.
“Hm?”
“Phone.”
“Phone. Phone, oh-” James reached for the bright screen illuminating the ceiling and blinked a few times before turning to Sirius. “It’s Mary.”
He didn’t wait for Sirius to comment on it and answered the phone. Sirius reached for his own, it was 3:23 in the morning.
“Yes? Is- Okay. Okay, I’ll be right there.”
“What?” Sirius asked, his eyes were still watery from the fever.
“Lily. Hospital,” James shook his head and wiped his eye with the palm of his hand, “Lily’s having contractions.”
“She’s in labour?” Sirius sat up.
No. No, fuck, his grandson? He’s coming already? Lily shouldn’t be done with her pregnancy yet, it’s still six weeks early.
“No, I don’t think so,” James said as he reached for his glasses, “Doctor warned us about this, but I think it was heavy? Mary and Marlene are there, they’re gonna take her to the hospital just to be sure.”
“Dude, go.”
James looked at him and Sirius could feel the slight hesitation that lasted less than a moment, “No-”
“No, James, fuck, dude you have to go.” Sirius sat up, speaking a bit louder. Blame the adrenaline.
“No, it’s fine, really.”
“Prongs!” Sirius said, his excitement echoed in his voice as a slight tremble mixed with chuckle, “You have to go. I’ll be okay.”
James blinked and through his glasses, Sirius could see the wheels turning inside of his brain. He paused for a few seconds before replying, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, fuck, what if she’s in actual labour now?”
“She-” James looked down, “No?”
“The fuck do you mean no?” Sirius’ chuckles took over, “Buddy, I’m serious, go, I’ll be okay.”
Apparently, that was what he was waiting for. Because he took his wallet and car keys in a rush and reached for his cardigan, “Call me if something is wrong, I’ll be back as soon as they clear her, okay?”
“Fucking go!” Sirius gestured to the door.
Sirius and James sometimes felt like they mixed into each other like black and white creating grey, because he could swear that sometimes when James’ brain was clogged, he would feel things for him instead. Like three years ago when James got his hand pinched in the door, resulting in four broken metacarpals and he just… didn’t react until Sirius came over. He was hungry, sleepy and all in all in a confused state. And now, fuck, Sirius was absolutely sure that the second James got in his car, his brain’s fog cleared up and he was freaking out.
“What’s going on?”
The velvety voice made Sirius lift his head.
“Missus got contractions, he had to go.”
“Oh shit, she’s in labour?” Sirius saw Remus sit up and reach for the light.
“No, I mean, he doesn’t think so, but it’s her thirty fourth week, you’re never too cautious, right?”
That was when Sirius saw Remus smiling. Genuinely. His eyes were lit up, his smile was a bit crooked and he had a deep dimple on his right cheek and it was…
It looked so sweet to Sirius.
“You guys have been friends for long?” Remus asked, his eyes still glowing.
Sirius nodded, and he felt his cheeks tighten, mirroring the other boy’s smile, “Yeah, since high school. Lily, his wife I mean, and James started dating the week they met and they’re the… the epitome of a healthy relationship, you know?”
Remus nodded, his smile didn’t even falter, “That’s adorable.”
“Yeah. They got married as soon as we graduated.”
“Religious stuff?” Remus asked, leaning back on his bed.
“No, I think it was love.”
The lightest, fluffiest chuckle Sirius had ever heard. It made his heart do weird things, for some reason.
“I wish I could love that way, too.”
“You still can.”
That.
That was a big ass mistake.
The glow in Remus’ eyes went out like candlelight on a windy day but his smile stayed the same. He looked down for a split second before looking up and slightly shaking his head.
“I’m-”
“No, it’s- it’s fine. I kind of knew it, when I first got diagnosed,” Remus licked his lip a bit, which looked like a nervous habit.
“When did you first get diagnosed?” Sirius got on the edge of his bed and turned his whole body towards him.
“I was… hmm… I was fourteen? Because my dad was with me for six years and he died last year?”
“Your dad died?”
Remus nodded, and he mimicked Sirius’ move and dangled his feet from the bed, facing Sirius. “He was old, I mean…”
“Your mum?” Sirius asked, and immediately regretted it. He knew how fucked up it could be about family, he knew it firsthand. Why would he even ask that? He wanted to take it back, but the words visualised in his eyes and went into the air and reached the other boy’s ears.
“Never knew her.”
“You never knew your mum?” Sirius felt his eyebrows spring up.
“No uh, my dad always told me that she gave birth to me and left,” Remus shrugged, “Never thought much about it, actually.”
The words were gone from him. How he wished he could be the one to not know his own mother. The room felt too silent for the next few seconds and Sirius felt the need to fill it somehow.
“Sorry.”
Remus shook his head, “It’s better to never know your mother than have a shitty one.”
To that, Sirius snorted a little bit, “I’d know.”
Remus grinned and it made Sirius’ lips twitch up as well. “Shitty mum?”
“Shitty mum, yeah.”
“Sorry, too.”
This one specific silence was the best one Sirius had experienced since he came to the hospital, because he was smiling and Remus was smiling back, neither of them were forced or awkward. His eyes were soft and it felt odd and warm. The left corner of Remus’ lips were more curled upwards than right, and his eyes squinted as he smiled.
The tip of his nose was a bit downturned and it cast a slight shadow on his cheek and fuck, Sirius realised that he had been staring, watching and analysing. He wanted to take his eyes off of him, but Remus’ face was so… pretty. Sirius had a wild and powerful imagination, but he didn’t think he could make up his face in his mind, this was something to see.
It was the bells of his ringtone that broke the silence.
Remus leaned forward, obviously his interest peaked.
“It’s James,” Sirius let him know.
“Answer it,” Remus gestured with his hand, smiling still.
Sirius slid the little bar and put the phone on speaker. “Hello?”
“Pads?” James was almost fucking gasping for air, “Pads, she’s- it wasn’t false contractions and- and the doctor is gonna take her into a c-section.”
“Holy shit-” Sirius’ eyes darted up and immediately landed on Remus’.
“Mate- they said that they’re waiting for her to be stabilised and-”
“Prongs, Prongs, calm down, it’s gonna be just fine,” Sirius raised his hands and gestured calming moves as if James could see, “Lily is a strong ass woman, she’s gonna be alright.”
“Yes but- dude, he’s gonna be so premature,” James sighed and let out a small cry of worry, “They said it would be- it would be okay, but-”
“It is gonna be okay, listen-”
“They’re gonna keep him in the incubator or something-”
“James!”
“I gotta go- Padfoot, I’m gonna go-” he was hyperventilating now, “I’m at the hospital and they’re preparing Lily, they’re gonna take her in in a bit. I’ll call you, okay?”
“Yes, yes, okay, go.”
The phone got disconnected and Sirius could feel his stomach drop, his heart was clenching.
“Holy shit, holy shit…” he murmured.
The creak of the hook made him look up and he saw Remus getting up from his bed. He walked, dragging his feet this time. He plopped down on the armchair next to Sirius’ bed.
“This is exciting,” he grinned.
“It’s rather nerve-wrecking,” Sirius realised his hands were shaking.
“What are you on about,” Remus laughed quietly, “It’s birth. It’s exciting.”
“The baby- He’s gonna be very premature-” Sirius gasped when his warm hands were tangled by cold ones.
Was Remus fucking holding his hands?
The cold thumbs stroked his hands and Remus smiled, “It’s gonna be okay, look, we’ll watch TV together and before you know it, James is gonna call you back with good news.”
Sirius froze. What the fuck was going on right now? But he nodded, and Remus made a scoot over move, so he helped himself up with the palms of his hands and scooted a bit to the side. The movement made his dick hurt a bit, it was still a little inflamed but it hurt way less than it did before.
The other boy curled his right leg as he sat, his butt half out of the bed and he was supporting himself with his left foot on the floor. He reached for the remote and turned the TV on.
Almost four am was not the time for good TV programs. It took them full three minutes of zapping to finally reach a watchable movie. Jim Carrey was in it.
“Ever seen this?”
Sirius shook his head.
“It’s about this guy who lives in a movie set, but has no idea. They’re live broadcasting him and his friends and family are all actors.”
“That sounds wrong.”
“Yeah, that’s- that’s the thing,” Remus let out a soft grunt as he reached for the bedside bottle of water and the glass. He kept explaining the movie so far as he poured the water.
Then he made Sirius hold the glass.
It took him a few seconds to notice that Remus wasn’t asking him to hold it, but it was for him, actually. “That’s for me?”
“Yeah, you just had a catheter infection, you gotta drink a lot of water. The nurse said so, yeah?”
Sirius turned his head to him, he knew that his expression was weird, and Remus looked back at him and matched his surprised look before he grinned. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“No, what?”
“I- I dunno, I didn’t… I guess I didn’t expect you to remember that?”
Remus chuckled quietly as he readjusted his position, “It was just a few hours ago.”
“Yeah but…”
“With James gone now, someone has to take care of you, right?”
Sirius must have been getting a fever again, because he felt his cheeks heat up.
Remus took a pillow and placed it on his back and his eyes focused on the movie as he kept talking about it.
“So this is like the middle of it, he’s starting to notice that something is off, his wife is acting differently, and also, he is still in love with a girl from his high school, why aren’t you drinking?”
That made him realise he was staring at him and he turned to the screen and gulped the water, he was parched but only noticed it when he started drinking. The glass was finished quickly, and Remus took it off his hands, just to fill it and give it back immediately.
The movie was interesting, Sirius had to admit. Everytime he sipped and finished his water, Remus filled it again. The movie was ending, Jim Carrey was in the bathroom, looking at the mirror.
He had to pee.
“Can you move?” he whispered.
“Huh?”
“Can you move, I gotta go pee.”
Remus got up, allowing him to pass. Getting up made his crotch hurt again, but it was bearable.
He realised he never used the room’s bathroom and he was looking for the lightswitch with his hand.
“On the right.”
“Oh, thanks.”
“That’s my towel in the bar, it’s clean, you can use it.”
“Cheers, mate,” Sirius said as he entered.
The bathroom was clean, because god knows Sirius would rather die than use a dirty bathroom.
He aimed for the bowl, not the water inside it to make less of a sound. It didn’t hurt, the flow was normal but kind of… crossed? There was no colour change or anything, so-
“Does it hurt?” he heard Remus ask outside.
Fuck.
Fuck, Remus could hear him pee.
“Uh… No, not really.”
“Good.”
Fuck, this was so fucking awkward.
Thankfully, Remus didn’t ask more, and he flushed and washed his hands and went back to the bed, where the other boy with fucking pretty eyes was waiting for him. He got up and allowed him to pass back to his original spot, and Sirius climbed on.
“Good that your infection passed without complications or whatsoever.”
“So what happens now?” Sirius lifted his head to gesture at the TV.
“Oh well, he’s gonna run away.”
He chuckled, “They could’ve avoided that if they added a brother to the scenario. He would be too scared to leave.”
“A brother?” Remus’ face turned to him.
“Yeah. I- I don’t know. It would be very hard to leave your brother. It was hard for me.”
“You left your brother?”
“Uh, yeah, when I was… Nineteen? That was when I started living at James’ place. It wasn’t because of him, though, it was more of my parents’ fault.”
“And you haven't seen him since?”
“Well I mean…” Sirius licked his lips, he knew that Remus was looking at him, but he didn’t feel ready to turn towards him to tell the story, “I tried, uh, until last year.”
“What happened last year?”
Okay shit, he was gonna say it. Why wouldn’t he say it?
“He overdosed.”
Remus stayed quiet and it felt like he wanted to say something but he couldn’t. The silence stretched out like gum to the point of it being uncomfortable, so Sirius turned to him.
Long arms wrapped around his body carefully, not touching the previous tube entrance, and he was- he was being hugged?
Sirius blinked and froze for a few seconds. Remus’ hands started stroking his back and it brought him back to reality. His hands were shaking. He didn’t know what was going to happen and his hand found its way to the other boy’s back. His fingertips moved up and down, Remus was so skinny that he could feel his spine and every bump of it.
Remus was fully hugging. It was firm, he was skeletal but right then, it was the softest hug Sirius had ever received. The moment was only broken by Sirius’ ringtone.
Phone. Ringing. Night.
“Fuck, shit-” Sirius pulled away, he didn’t want to, but he grabbed his phone and saw James’ name on it, along with his own reflection.
James was FaceTiming him.
“Answer it!”
Sirius held his breath as the phone gave a whoom and James’ face appeared. He was smiling. He pushed his index finger on his lips. The screen slid down and there was red hair and it became Lily’s puffed but smiling face, and then…
The most beautiful little baby boy Sirius had ever seen.
He wasn’t completely bald, there were tiny locks of brown hair on his head and his eyes were closed, he was sleeping. There was a birthmark on his forehead that kind of resembled a lightning, and Sirius gasped as his hand covered his mouth.
“Hello, little cornichon,” he whispered.
“Harry,” Lily said, smiling, “Harry James Potter.”
Oh shit he was gonna cry. He was so gonna cry. Was he crying already, he didn’t know.
“Hello Harry.”
He opened his eyes and stirred and cooed. Lily gently patted his back as she stroked his hair with the back of her index finger, “Look, Harry. This is the man you’re gonna have to battle for your father’s love.”
Sirius laughed and tears left his eyes. He wiped them off with the heel of his hand and sniffled.
“I wanted to be there.”
James shook his head, “They didn’t let anyone in. We’re gonna have to stay here for a few days. He’s born underweight but everything else seems normal so far.”
Harry started crying and Sirius could hear Lily tutting and shushing it as she whispered meaningless but comforting nonsense.
Me too, little man. I’m crying, too. It’s okay to cry, you know?
“Pads, seriously, don’t feel bad. They didn’t even allow Mary in. You’re probably gonna get discharged before we do, you’ll meet him once we’re home, alright?”
“Yeah, no yeah, I know.”
James’ smile grew even wider as if it was possible, “Hi Remus, how are you feeling mate?”
Oh, Remus was in the frame too, apparently.
The sickly boy smiled and waved his hand, “Congratulations, James.”
“Thanks, dude,” James smiled as Harry’s cries got louder, “I should go now. I’ll call you tomorrow?”
Oh god, he was still crying, right?
“Yeah, do that,” Sirius smiled, “Take care of my godson.”
The call ended and Sirius stared at the screen for a moment before hysterically laughing and throwing his head back on his pillow.
Thankfully, he wasn’t alone.
Remus was laughing with him, and his hand was on Sirius’ arm and they were really close to one another, and they were laughing. Sirius gasped in between his snorts and clamped his face with his free hand.
“I’m a godfather.”
“You’re a godfather!”
“Oh my god-”
It took several minutes and a “Shh!” from next door for the laughter to die down, and they were kind of panting, kind of still laughing on the bed.
“Congratulations on your godson, Sirius.”
Sirius met his eyes, and then his gaze fell to Remus’ hand which was still holding Sirius’ arm.
That made Remus pull his hand back and support himself up from the bed. He licked his lips.
“I’m- I’m gonna go to bed now, okay?” he said, quieter. His smile went down to a lower one, it was still there but it was different from the one he had just a few seconds ago.
No wait, what, why?
“Okay.”
“Wake me up if you- if you need me.”
Sirius nodded, because what else could he do? It wasn’t like he was gonna tell him to stay here so they could end the night together, discussing the movie or the hospital in general or Harry, even.
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”