Visit 10
“Happy Thursday, Dr. Stone.”
“Hello, Hermione. Feeling good today?”
“Feeling wonderful.”
“That’s good to hear. What would you like to start with today? We discussed the letter to your parents, as well as future planning.”
“I think future planning first. I want to set out a good path to maintain the mental health I’ve been working on. I have tools in place and I’ve managed to create a good support system. Those are all great foundational pieces but I want to be prepared for the future as much as possible.”
“What does preparedness look like for you?”
“I don’t know. I’d say when the nightmares stop or when I don’t look over my shoulder at the grocery store expecting to see a Death Eater mask. I know that isn’t going to be something that ever truly stops. PTSD isn’t an illness that I take antibiotics for and get over, it’s something I learn to live with. I guess more than anything, I want to feel as if I coexist with my traumas instead of living with them.”
“Let’s start simple. Where do you physically see yourself in a year?”
“Transitioning into the education side of healing.”
“That’s a good goal for yourself next year. Okay, five years?”
“Married maybe? Considering being a mom if it makes sense.”
“Okay, ten years?”
“Board member at St. Mungo’s, I’d like to have time with my family if I were to be married and/or have children.”
“That’s a good boundary to have when you have a family. So, using those goals that you set, where do you want to be by the end of this session when it comes to your future planning?”
“Confident in the future.”
“Then let’s build a plan focused on your confidence in the future, then the future will follow.”
“Right.”
“Let’s start with work. What do you plan to do to reach your goal of transitioning into education.”
“Following the trial, the application will open for medicinal research and education unit chiefs. I’ve been working on an application for the curse education and research department for the past year.”
“So you’ve already aligned that. What’s holding you back in that?”
“The idea of rejection.”
“I’m not a magical healer so this may be out of turn, but you fought a war where the other side was creating curses, correct?”
“Yes.”
“And your file describes you as being a highly active member of the Order in decoding and counteracting these courses. That makes you a very strong candidate, yes?”
“I think so.”
“You think or you know?”
“I know it does, I just don’t want a position because of who I am. I want to earn it.”
“You’ve been with St. Mungo’s for eight years. You are long past the time frame of handouts. You are putting in for this position that you have worked hard for. The only piece missing is your knowledge that you worked for it and admitting that a name could play a role.”
“But what’s in a name?”
“Shakespeare didn’t have a PhD.”
“Neither do I.”
“Yet, he worked his way up to be one of the most acknowledged historical figures when it comes to plays and poetry.”
“Just like I’ve worked my way up at St. Mungo’s.”
“Am I saying with 100% certainty that you will get that position? No, but the worst you will hear is a no. You’ve grown close with many of your coworkers, do you think you deserve it over any of them?”
“Never, they’re all amazing and so intelligent.”
“Then regardless, you’ll be happy for the selected doctor?”
“Yes.”
“So, you’re confident in any candidate, including yourself.”
“Yes. I’m confident that the role will be filled correctly based on applications and will be successful.”
“Can you still become a board member if you were to not receive this position?”
“Yes, I’ve been offered other higher positions.”
“You’re confident in your ability to lead others in a professional manner that reflects your moral and ethical boundaries?”
“Yes.”
“When it comes to having a family someday, do you know your own professional boundaries to maintain the type of presence you want within your household?”
“Absolutely.”
“Hermione,” he put his chin on his fist, eyes jumping between his notes and me, “I’m failing to see where you lack confidence in the future.”
“I’m not for the most part. Only when I think about it too long.”
“I do my best to allow you control in every aspect of this room. That allows you to grow the most, but for now we are going to switch gears. Can you, Hermione Granger, control what happens in a year?”
“No, only manipulate the things within my control.”
“Knowing that, what concerns you about the future?”
“Not being able to control myself when I get overwhelmed or low.”
“What are you afraid that you might do?”
“Break.”
“Do you want to hear something? It isn’t much of a secret but we’ve never discussed it.”
“Okay,” I nod.
“If you decide that you aren’t ready to stop these sessions, you never have too. My contract with the Ministry stipulates that as long as you’re a client, my memories remain intact. I can keep you on my patient list as long as you need. As your therapist, I can promise you that I will do everything within my control to make sure that you don’t break.”
“You can do that?”
“Look back to your first visit in your journal, read one of your excerpts for me.”
“Sometimes it just felt like I was always giving everything to the friendships with Ron and Harry but didn’t feel like I was receiving the same.”
“And now, flip to last week and read another piece.”
“It made me emotional for sure. Even Pansy, Blaise, Theo, and Draco came. Greg and Veronica sent me a card since they had to work at the bakery. I don’t think I have ever felt so supported.”
“What do you see when you compare the two?”
“Can we do a Venn Diagram?”
“Of course, I’ll grab a small white board.”
“Perfect,” he handed me a small expo board with a black marker, “For each we have a common denominator which is friendship. Each one is a different emotion about friendship though. The first one feels like it was one sided, the other feels equal.”
“In the second journal entry, the relationships you’ve built over the last two and a half months, do you feel like any of those people would let you break?”
“I don’t think so, no.”
“So you have a rather large group of supporters.”
“I guess I do.”
“Do you feel more confident going into the future knowing you have both them and I?”
“Yes, I’d like to stay on your patient log as long as possible.”
“As long as I have my licence, you will have a safe space in this office. That does mean we’ll need to change some of the paperwork.”
“Like what?”
“Emergency contacts, details, etc.”
“Can I do that now?”
“Of course, let me go fetch your file from the front desk.”
The time it takes to go to the front desk isn’t long, but it’s enough time to breathe. The room has become a sense of tranquillity. The beige walls and mauve rug have become a second home to me lately. The books on the small bookcase behind the chair, the plush couch, the soft, yellow haze of the lamp.
Before I know it, I’m wandering around the room for the first time. My fingertips dance along the spines of the books, feeling the soft creases on them.
“Everything alright, Hermione?”
“Yes, I’m fine. I’ve just never walked around in here before.”
“You’re welcome to walk around as much as you’d like while we update this, if you’d like.”
“Ready whenever you are.”
“Perfect, who would you like to select as your primary emergency contact? There will be two in total.”
“Pansy as the first one, I think. Draco for the second.”
“Would you like either of them to have access to your medical files from our sessions? This can be changed at any time with your approval.”
“No,” I sat back down, “I don’t think so.”
“Perfect. Last part,” he held out a single file folder, “This is an emergency form. Due to the nature of the questions, I’m going to have you take it home and bring it back to me next session.”
“What kinds of questions?”
“About your habits, your normal routine, things like that. It allows me to better see progress. We will do check-ins based on it every few months to see if any significant changes are happening in your life. This keeps us moving forwards or stepping back if we need to.”
“Alright, I can do that.”
“Amazing. You are officially a patient on record. Anytime you need a safe space, you can call. In order to maintain this position, there must be at least one session a year.”
“If I don’t, will you lose your memories?”
“Correct,” he sets all the files on the side table, “I will eventually either way. In the end, I won’t know what I’m forgetting either way.”
“That’s a good outlook.”
“Some things will always be out of our control, this is one of those things. I’m just happy to see progress in you, Hermione.”
“I’m glad that I’m able to see the progress. I was a bit hesitant at first about therapy.”
“A lot of people are, and that’s okay,” he smiled, “Now that we have determined what’s within your control for the future, are you ready to discuss the letter to your parents?”
“I think so.”
“We can begin whenever you’re ready.”
“I think I want to send a letter, befriend them somehow even if they don’t know who I am. I just don’t know how I would start it.”
“How did the mind healers assess them if you don’t mind me asking?”
“They travelled with me down to Australia. I stayed at a nearby hotel while they were assessed.”
“And the assessment revealed that you did too good of a job?”
“Yes,’ I shrugged, “Sometimes, memory charms can be reversed but I wiped my existence completely from their minds. The mind healers said they may be able to get pieces back by using my own memories to rebuild parts of theirs but the paternal emotions and instincts might never return. The memories I have won’t be followed up by their own emotions. So the days where I was at school and they thought about me or talked about me wouldn’t be there. I’d be their daughter, but I’d be a stranger.”
“And that is non-negotiable for you?”
“Yes. I want everything back.”
“As a healer, do you think that is possible?”
“It’d take a lot of time and magic, but maybe.”
“It’s a heavy topic, but have you considered talking with your friends about it? You said that you and Draco competed for the top spot in the class, it’s possible he might be able to give suggestions? I think we should put a letter on hold until you know what you want to say and how you want to say it.”
“I agree,” I leaned back into the couch, “I never thought about asking him. He supposedly has a massive library full of old texts. Maybe there’s an answer in there.”
“It’s a possibility.”
“It’s a good idea.”
“Ten minutes left,” he looked at his watch, “Are you ready for our check in?”
“Yeah.”
“Any attacks related to anxiety or triggers that you were able to curb?”
“Nope.”
“Nightmares?”
“Just one, I think I’m just getting nervous about the trial.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“It was in the courtroom in the Department of Mysteries. He was in the wooden chair at the centre of the room, chains on his limbs. When I was asked to speak, he wouldn’t allow me to say a word. He just kept yelling ‘liar’ over and over again. I was able to wake myself up but it was a bit unsettling.”
“I’m glad you were able to pull yourself out. You know that you don’t need to speak at the trial if you don’t want to. They have enough evidence without your testimony.”
“I want to,” breathe, “It’s not just about me in this, it’s about any other woman that might be going through it as well. I don’t like using my status but if it means another woman has the strength to stand up for herself, I’ll be on every paper.”
“Good for you,” he jotted down some notes, “I assume you followed up with Theo about the spread?”
“Yes, I’ll bring you a copy next week.”
“You don’t need to do that,” he laughed.
“I want to,” I shrug, “You helped me find the strength to do it.”
“Then I will happily take a copy.”
“As for the rest of the check in questions, it's all no’s.”
“That’s good. Do you have anything else you want to add to this session? What would you like to focus on next week?”
“I think I want to do trial preparations next week. It starts the following Monday.”
“If you’re ready for that, I’m happy to help.”
“Thank you, Dr. Stone.”
“Of course, have a good week, Hermione.”
“You too.”