Visit 5
“Welcome back, Hermione.”
“Hi Dr. Stone,” he cut his hair, that’s what was different last week, “Your haircut looks nice.”
“Thank you.” he gives his first genuine smile, “My wife does hair. Is that a new necklace?”
“It is, Pansy gave it to me.”
“Pansy? Parkinson correct?”
“Yes,” I smile, “Our little meeting went really well. It turns out we all had something we needed to say to one another.”
“That’s good. So, tell me more about it.”
“They each brought a gift to my flat. It’s a pure-blood tradition, I guess. Pansy brought me this,” I hold out the small silver pendant, “Blaise brought wine, Theodore brought flowers, Greg brought a nice quill, and Malfoy brought a book.”
“I noticed only one of those was still a last name.”
“I’m working on it,” I shrug.
“How so?”
“The others were all forthcoming and willing to talk. Malfoy was still stone. His face was almost gaunt, and he never really tried to speak. He was the last to enter the floo. Before he left, he held out the book then just left.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s fair. Do you think you’ll be seeing any of them again soon or did you succeed with the primary goal of acquaintanceship?”
“Pansy invited me to join them at Theodore’s manor next week, but I really haven’t decided.”
“Does it feel like a good decision, a bad decision, or the best decision?”
“It feels like a good decision. Just nerves.”
“And that is a very valid emotion, but sometimes we deprive ourselves of friendships, or love, because we only allow ourselves to feel the love, we think we deserve. They are all close friends, giving them the opportunity to show you that might be a good choice. That being said, if you aren’t ready then it’s okay to wait until you are.”
“I’m going to give it a day or two, I think that’s the best decision for me.”
“Good, I want to hear you say that more often. Saying things are the right decisions or the best decision doesn’t mean they’re the best decisions or the right decisions for you.”
“I’m going to use that.”
“Feel free to use it anytime you need,” a genuine laugh left his chest, “Now, back on topic. Are you ready to discuss the battle?”
“As ready as I can be.”
“Start wherever you’re most comfortable. This one is going to be a tough one, so I brewed extra tea for today. Also, you will see that there are several objects on the table. These are going to be grounding tools for you while you speak. Each one has a distinct texture that will allow you to remain in the space that you’re in.”
“Thank you,” I clear my throat, taking the small, wooden block in my hands, “I think I’m going to start at Gringotts before we get to the school. Harry got a vision after we jumped off the dragon into the lake. He saw flashes of Hogwarts and Ravenclaw. We decided that the plan was to get to Hogwarts with the Order and do our best from there. Us and planning didn’t really mesh well at the time. No matter what we did or planned, it never quite worked.”
“Once you got to the school, what happened?”
“We got to see everyone. It was strange to see them all so beat up. The Carrows really went after some of them once they took over punishments. They forced them to use dark magic or curse other students. They all tried to refuse, but we could see the toll it was taking on them.”
“Did you have any other emotions that came forward seeing everyone?”
“Happiness. Seeing that they were all alive really helped my confidence. I knew deep down that this would be the final battle, I just didn’t want to believe it at the time.”
“That’s fair. And from there?”
“Snape knew that Harry had been spotted near the school in Hogsmeade. He called all the students into the Great Hall and gave a speech. Being the self-righteous prick he wa- is, Harry yelled at Snape, causing a duel between McGonagall and Snape. It was hard to watch knowing what I do now about Severus.”
“Which is?”
“Everything he did was for Harry’s protection. He loved Lily. From what Harry would tell us, which wasn’t much, was that Snape was borderline obsessed with Lily.”
“And Lily is?”
“Harry’s mother.”
“Oh,” he scribbled some things down, “Continue.”
“After that, Voldemort spoke to all of us in our heads. He gave us a warning that if we handed Harry over, there would be no attack. The Slytherins tried to hand him over, specifically Pansy. McGonagall sent them to the dungeons. She never told us why, but I think it was so they wouldn’t be fighting against their classmates or their parents depending on the side they chose to fight for.”
“She seems like a really good woman.”
“The best,” I put the block down and picked up the small plush toy, “After that, we set up a perimeter on the castle. We had to set up what defenses we could. Lupin and several of the older members took the higher towers, those best at charms focused on defensive measures, and Harry went to speak with the ghost of Rowena Ravenclaw’s daughter.”
“And where were you?”
“I went down to the Chamber of Secrets with Ron to get basilisk fangs to destroy the pieces of Voldemort’s soul. After we destroyed the cup, we went to find Harry in the Room of Requirement. That’s where we ran into Malfoy, Crabbe, and Blaise. Goyle had already left the school and was fighting on the other side. Crabbe accidentally set the room on fire and fell into his own flames that night. We ended up getting Malfoy and Blaise out of the room with us.”
“How?”
“Brooms, we flew out to get away from the flames.”
“Okay. And from there?”
I went on for what felt like hours. The whole story is so exhausting. I picked up the different grounding tools over and over, rolling them through my fingers as tears pricked at the back of my eyes.
“Hermione, are you ready to discuss the final moments?”
“I think so,” I replaced the cold metal block in my hands with the soft plush again, “When Hagrid walked up, he had ropes around his neck as he was led by Death Eaters like a dog. Voldemort and Bellatrix were heading the group, their laughs echoed across the courtyard. I remember Ginny running at them once she realized Hagrid was carrying Harry before she was knocked back. When Harry began to move and Hagrid let go of him, Malfoy threw Harry his wand.”
“That’s interesting, don’t you think?”
“It was out of character for him, but knowing what I do about his self-preservation, it makes sense. Harry was now the boy who lived, twice. Death Eaters were fleeing left and right. Malfoy did what he could to be on the right side.”
“Self-preservation.”
“Yes, I don’t think his decision was anything but that.”
“Is that coming from a place of judgment or understanding?”
“What?”
“Is your statement coming from a place of judgment or understanding of his decision at that moment to give Harry his wand? He gave Harry his main source of defense in the middle of a battle. A decision that could cost him his life. I don’t know Malfoy, but that seems like a retribution from his previous moments of staying silent and not intervening.”
“I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to learn with time.”
“Nothing wrong with that.”
“No, there isn’t.”
“There was quite a bit of heavy discussions this week. Let’s end on some positives before we do our check in. How does that sound?”
“Sounds good to me.”
“Good, let’s start with some new goals for this week. What are two things that you want to achieve this week?”
“I want to focus on myself during my sabbatical. While I have had a lot of time for myself, I don’t feel as if I’ve used that time to improve anything around myself.”
“How will you use that time?”
“I think using a day for each section of my house would be a good start. I need to purge and organize some aspects of my flat.”
“That’s a good idea. And for your second goal?”
“I think I want to go to a muggle store and take some time for myself. Pansy wants me to take her with me next time I go.”
“That’s a great way to get to know her outside of a group setting. Her file made her appear very ambitious; you might have more in common than you think.”
“Yeah.”
“Those are great goals. We will do a check in for those at the beginning of next session,” he put the files down and picked up his notebook, “Are you ready for our end of session check in?”
“Yes.”
“Perfect. Any attacks related to anxiety this week?”
“No, almost but I was able to ground myself and maintain my breathing.”
“That’s great progress, Hermione. What was the trigger?”
“It feels stupid looking back. During tea, Theodore insisted on helping make the tea. When he was making it, he wanted to try the muggle way instead of using magic. He accidentally slammed a cupboard, and it sounded like a loud crash. All of their eyes turned towards me. I’m sure the panic was all over my face but I was able to get it together quickly.”
“That’s a great improvement that you were able to recover so quickly. Also, you should never feel that any trigger is stupid. We can’t always control how the body and mind react to different stimuli. The important thing is that you identified what was happening and reacted.”
“Thank you.”
“Of course. Now, have you had any nightmares?”
“No, just some of the weird dreams still. Occasionally I have dreams that try to turn dark, but I’ve been waking myself up before anything gets too far.”
“That’s okay. I’m glad you’re able to pull yourself out, but if it starts to impact your sleep schedule too much, please let me know.”
“Right.”
“Final question. Any thoughts of self-harm or suicide?”
“Not exactly. I considered drinking but I decided against it.”
“There’s nothing wrong with drinking, Hermione. It’s the self-awareness of knowing when you’ve had enough. If you know your boundaries and what your limits are, you’re okay.”
“I know, but I’m not sure I know what my limits are yet.”
“Understandable. Overall, it seems that this was a good unpacking session for you. I look forward to hearing about how your goals went this week.”
“Me too,” I smile, “What should I prepare in my journal for next week?”
“I would really like to focus a bit more on some of the things leading up to the incident. How does the first three years after the war ended sound? We can always split it into multiple sessions if we need to.”
“It might need to be split but I’ll prepare for the first three years and see how much we fill.”
“Sounds great. I’ll see you next Thursday. If you need to come in earlier, just call Melissa at the front desk. She’s on call if she isn’t here.”
“Thank you. Have a good week Dr. Stone.”
“You too, Hermione.”