It's Always Been That Way

Teenage wasteland, it's only teenage wasteland...
Teenage wasteland, oh yeah...
Teenage wasteland...

November came and the four of them had fallen into a routine where they would go to classes and practice in the day, then congregate together in the evening to decompress and relax. Sirius had become a lot more balanced in his day-to-day life, including eating more regularly, which his body had thanked him for.

James had become a trusted confidant for Sirius, someone he knew he could depend on with anything, and he had even shared some sparse details about his home life with the boy. Nothing too big, though, just little things here and there. In spite of seeming to be an airhead, he was actually quite emotionally intelligent. (Until it came to girls.) He had been understanding and respectful, empathetic but not pitying. Not asking for any information Sirius was not yet ready to give, but encouraging that he would be there, should he want to bring up anything further.

Sometimes, James would go and watch the swimming practices, hoping for a chance to talk with Lily, but she would always head straight to the women's locker room afterward, never sparing the poor lad so much as a glance in his direction. (He was determined not to give up, though.)

Strangely, Remus had started to show up and watch Sirius practice often, too.

At first Sirius had hated it, the constant pressure of scrutiny weighing on him, making him skate worse.

Why was Remus there, anyway? Was he simply waiting for Sirius to mess up? Did he want to learn how to figure skate and decided to do so by watching him? 

He had decided simply to ignore him.

But after the first few times, he began to realize Remus wasn't watching him critically, rather he was just... Watching. So he gave in and asked, gliding up to him and coming to a stop in a flurry of snow.

"Why do you keep watching me?"

"Would you like me to leave?"

"I- well, no, but why are you here?"

"I like watching you skate. I like the ice rink, it's cold here but not uncomfortably so."

After that, Sirius' heart had swelled. He became more confidant in his ability because Remus was watching him.

Because Remus liked watching him.

And with that knowledge, he began to skate even better when he was around. He began to skate for him. To perform for him.

It was strangely liberating, even. Whereas before Sirius had always skated for his parents, his mother, now he was skating for his friend. Yes, there was nothing holding him back from thinking of them as his friends now. They were his friends.

He had friends, and that made him... Happy.

That evening, the boys were draped comfortably around the room. James was laying starfish style on his back, his head dangling upside down off of his mattress, (he claimed that it was a comfortable position, but appeared to be getting quite the headrush.) Peter was sitting on the edge of his bed, rolling his foot around on a tennis ball. Remus was hunched over in a nest of pillows, book in hand. As for Sirius, he was cross legged on the floor, his back pressed against a beam of his four-poster.

"So, Pete," James started, "Ass or tits?"

"Hm," Peter ran a nervous hand down the back of his neck. "Tits? Yeah, tits. Boobs are nice."

"Sirius?"

"Mm?"

"What about you?" James clarified.

"Oh," Sirius had never given much thought to it at all before. "Ass, I suppose."

"Ha! I knew you were an Ass Man." 

"Don't call me an Ass Man." Sirius drawled.

"Ass Man," he teased, "anyway, how about you, Moony?"

Remus sighed, not even looking up from his book. "I prefer to respect women."

"Aw come oooon Moony," James whined, "don't be boring!"

"Don't be weird."

"We're not being weird," James insisted, "we do respect women! We just also enjoy... Admiring them."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Maybe if you Admired them less, Lily would talk to you. You know, like how she talks to me."

Peter valiantly attempted to stifle his laughter. "He's got a point, you know." He giggled between his fingers.

"You know," Quipped James, "I bet Moony's into something really weird, like elbows."

"Elbows?" Sirius coughed.

"Yeah, or kneecaps!" James shouted, sitting up in bed.

Sirius shook his head in disbelief, or perhaps mirth. "James, no one is into kneecaps."

"You don't know that," he insisted, "I bet you Remus is."

The conversation at that point had simply became too ridiculous and the three of them collapsed into fits of laughter.

Even Remus himself cracked a smile.

"Ah-hah!" James screamed, "I knew it! Kneecap Man! Kneecap Man!"

The dorm became a chorus of all three of them chanting 'Kneecap Man' until he had finally had enough and threw his book at James' head.

Everything seemed perfect until the next morning when Sirius received a phone call from his Mother.

...

He didn't even entirely remember what it consisted of because to be honest, he kind of just... Zoned out. But he knew he was guilty. Guilty for slacking off the way he had been. And so, he fell back into his old habits again. Sometimes Remus would watch him practice, sometimes he wouldn't. Sirius would ignore him if he came.

Sometimes Sirius would eat, a lot of days he wouldn't.

One such night, he was alone practicing late into the evening, his mind wandering as his body took the familiar turns he had practiced so many times.

"Hey."

“Jesus! Moony,” he gasped, whirling around to face the shadow behind him, “you scared the shit outta me.”

“Sorry.” 

“S'alright.”

“I brought you this,” Remus stepped forward from the darkness carrying a plate with toast and chocolate spread. “You should eat. You’ll feel better if you do.”

“I’m not hungry.” Sirius lied.

“Have you eaten at all?” He asked, setting the plate down on the ice anyway.

“Yes.”

“What did you eat?”

Nothing. Sirius thought. “Why’s it matter to you anyway?” Is what he said, however. Becoming defensive from the sudden interrogation. “You’re not my mother.”

“I’m your friend.”

“Okay.” 

They stared at each other in silence for a while before the next inevitable question.

“...Are you alright, Sirius?”

Not knowing what to say and feeling stupid, he just repeated himself again, slightly quieter. “I said I’m not hungry.”

“Alright, you’re not hungry,” Remus gazed down at him evenly, “I still think you should eat.”

“I need to practice.”

“You need to rest.”

“I’ll rest when I’m dead.”

“I’m beginning to believe not even that’s true.”

Sirius was starting to feel very strange, like something was slithering around inside of his stomach. Were these normal questions friends asked each other? Surely they were. But there was something different about the way he said them… 

‘Have you eaten?’

‘Are you alright?’

Something about it was personal, almost intimate, like his very mind was being invaded and read like a book. An open library that Remus Lupin could access whenever he wanted, flicking through the pages of his secrets and thoughts and life like a novel. A novel for children. He made everything sound so simple and easy. 

Shaking off the feeling and deciding it best to ignore the intruder, he set his gaze and turned around, straightening his posture to begin the set.

Remus grabbed his hands then, and Sirius jerked backwards violently, the reactionary part of his brain expecting the sting to come, but it didn’t. Instead, the other boy quickly moved away as well, eyes full of remorse. 

“I- I’m sorry,” Remus stammered, “I shouldn’t have- I didn’t realize-”

Sirius quickly brushed him off, composing himself. “It’s fine. I was just being weird. Not sure what came over me.”

“It’s not fine.”

“Yes it is. It’s-”

“Who hurt you, Sirius?” The question cut through him like razor wire. Icy fingers choking his neck and squeezing until there was nothing left of him. Stealing his very oxygen and peeling off his skin, leaving him exposed and cold and shivering. “Was it your dad?” So gentle, he spoke so gently.

The lacerations cut deeper still, cold dead blood spilling out of slashed arteries. 

“My mother.” 

Why did I say that? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

“I’m sorry,” His friend whispered. He had such beautiful brown eyes, it was a pity they looked so, so sad. “Did you want to talk about it?”

Unable to do anything else, Sirius just shook his head.

They were silent for a long while.

Hands shaking, Sirius picked up a piece of now-cold toast and bit into it. It tasted like safety and home. It was only after he finished both pieces that the lighter haired boy broke the silence once more.

“Would you skate for me?” he asked. “I love watching you practice. It’s okay if you don’t want to, though. I’d understand if you're too tired.”

“I’ll always practice for you, Moony.” I always do anyway. I always skate for you. What’s the point if you’re not there to watch me?  Was the part that remained unsaid.