nobody likes a secret
The Daily Prophet ✔ @ thedailyprophet
Model turned singer Regulus Black talks upcoming album, recent work and ex-boyfriend - “An era for changes and new beginnings.” Read below:
It all started with a magazine article.
Had James been thinking clearly, all of this never would have happened. He would have artfully ignored the post, like he had been doing for literally anything else posted by The Daily Prophet. It was only Skeeter trying to get a rise out of him again, eager for a reaction to spin another fantastical tale out of. But this was Regulus they were talking about, and well, he had never been good at making rational decisions when it came to him. So he caved in. Read the article. It set his cheeks ablaze with anger and embarrassment, till the very last thing on James Potter’s mind was PR. All he knew at that moment was Regulus’ callous statement, an innocuous line standing out like a sore thumb among talks of his new single and photoshoots.
“It was nothing, really. Just a bit of fun with some… benefits.” He smirks.
The words mocked him, taunted him. Nothing ? James certainly didn’t think it had been nothing. All the countless nights they had spent huddled close, sharing secrets and anxieties and tender, affectionate words, summed up to ‘just a bit of fun’ ? Right. For the first time in months, the hollow in his chest gave way to anything other than numbness. Anger, so sudden and unadulterated he even surprised himself, bubbled up in his chest. Before he knew it, his guitar was in his hands, phone set up precariously against a stack of nearby books to record his rare moment of vulnerability. Perhaps, he thought, this would be the release he needed to finally move on. He thought this video may be cathartic to look back on. The words poured out of his soul, accompanied by the gentle sound of his guitar.
I hold my anger in my stomach
And I’m starting to have side effects
From hating you this much
No explanation, just a quote in a magazine
Where you said you only dated me for fun
Did he hate Regulus? No. He didn’t think he could ever find it in himself to hate him. But right now, all he could do was desperately try to convince himself he did, because the other option was to begin to process everything that had happened, and James didn’t need to look into his feelings like that, thanks. He was fine. He had been, for months now.
And I’m paraphrasing now
But the gist of it was how you never loved me
Only in it for the sex
But he was mad at Regulus. He blamed him for pulling him in and pushing him out all in the blink of an eye, everything about him so passionate and desperate in a way he never truly understood. Didn’t they have all the time in the world? He blamed Regulus and his beautiful eyes for lurking in every corner of his life, the haunting grey manifesting all over the place as if he owned the whole wide world. To James, he did. He blamed Regulus because how could he act so nonchalant, like they had meant nothing to him, when James’ whole world felt like it had been rearranged around Regulus?
James was no stranger to being compared to the sun. He revelled in the comparison, the suggestion that his brightness helped others find their shine. Nonetheless, his grandeur paled in comparison to the heart of the lion, one of the brightest stars in the sky. Without Regulus, he felt dull, empty, much less like a sun and more like a useless piece of space rock that had lost its star.
And I really don’t get how
You can say that and be proud of it
We both know you were in deeper than that
His only source of comfort, the only indication that he hadn’t imagined Regulus’ gaze turning on him with anything other than the contempt it held these days, was the pictures and texts he still kept on his phone. It was unhealthy, God , he knew that. Even without Remus’ incessant reminders (because who knows what would happen if Sirius ever found out, he was bad enough when they were actually dating), he knew rotting in bed, staring at past reminders for hours on end, was decidedly not the best way to deal with a breakup. But what else could he do, when Regulus seemed so intent on making him doubt they had ever happened? At least, with the pictures and the texts, he knew he wasn’t heartbroken over nothing. Pathetic as he may be, he couldn’t conjure up those gentle, adoring texts out of thin air. Couldn’t have possibly imagined the look in Regulus’ eyes in every picture he had of him, a soft look reserved solely for the person behind the lens.
Nobody likes a secret
And I was always yours
The truth of the matter was, Regulus Black was not soft. He wasn’t adoring, he wasn’t romantic, and he certainly didn’t smile at anyone like they hung the moon and the stars. In a sense, James supposed he was lucky to have gotten a chance to see the side of Regulus nobody else got to see, not even Dora or Barty. But he didn’t feel lucky. Now that he had gotten a taste of him, he didn’t want sweet, kind Reg to be hidden away, tucked into a secluded corner of his heart. He wanted to share him with the rest of the world, to hold him high above everyone else and shout mine! for all to see. He wanted Regulus to do the same. He wanted him to feel proud of James, like having him was as much of an honour as having Regulus had been for him. Instead, Regulus kept him like a dirty little secret he never wanted anyone to find out, like perhaps people finding out James was his might have been the most humiliating thing that could ever happen to him. James couldn't think of anything he might have done that would make Regulus so ashamed. He wasn’t that bad. Was he?
It’s almost been a year now
And even so,
I still don’t know what for
Hm
He still wanted a lot of things. He wanted Regulus to hurt . Wanted him to feel exactly how he felt, the knife in his gut twisting over and over again till he thought he might die from the pain.
The guitar was placed on the floor with a gentle thud . Shaking fingers stopped the recording.
He was nowhere near healed. In fact, he was probably worse off from when he had first started, and he was thinking even less clearly now. Blindsided by hurt, he had pressed post on the video before he could form a single coherent thought. He felt as though he was floating, observing the world somewhere high above, out of harm’s way. His phone was thrown on the couch as he wandered to his balcony, waiting for the heat in his cheeks to subside, for blood to stop rushing past his ears.
It was only about a half hour later that he calmed, and the gravity of what he had just done set in. The realisation sent him crashing back to reality and flying over the back of his couch to his phone, scrambling to delete the post before anyone that really mattered could see. Before Regulus could see.
But it was too late. As he navigated to his post, he recognised the amount of interaction the post had garnered was unnatural, even for someone of his status. Despite himself, a snort escaped him as his eyes scanned the top comment.
james’ left toe @jamesluvrr
WOAH???? beautiful as usual, don’t get me wrong, but…. what the fuck.
He didn’t disagree. Even with the video on mute, the look in his eyes conveyed enough emotion to negate any possibility of brushing this off as being about a fictional relationship. He shuddered to think what his voice might sound like. ‘What the fuck’ sounded about right.
He realised he had just about a hundred text messages from Sirius he hadn’t noticed before. More from Remus. Peter. Mary. The damage had been done.
Shit.