alley rose
prongs???
did you mean to post that
is that about my brother…
oh cbrist the article
what’s wrong with him why did he say that
i’ll kill him
never mind
just let me know if you’re okay when you can, yeah?
with you no matter what happens. <3
Sirius breathed out a sigh as he sank down into his pillows, staring down at James’ face on his tiny phone screen. His best friend. Singing about his baby brother, a look of raw pain on his face he’d literally never seen before.
When he had first found out James and Regulus were dating, he didn’t know how to react. He was confused, first and foremost, because when had they ever interacted for long enough to exchange more than cursory greetings, let alone long enough to start dating? And then he was angry, because how dare they keep that from him? He was James’ other half. Hell, he was Regulus’ brother, and however precarious their relationship may have been, he still felt like he was entitled to know. It mustn’t be very serious (ha) if neither of them had told him anything about it, right? Logically, he should’ve heard about this the moment it started happening. Then he was angry again, but for a different reason, because he realised this must be a PR stunt. I mean, what other reason did they have for doing all this, if not for another marketing ploy at the hands of his darling parents? Black Labels’ two biggest stars, dating. It was sure to attract tons of attention.
It had taken James and Regulus weeks on end to convince Sirius that their relationship was not, in fact, a publicity stunt. Perhaps that was for the best, however, as Sirius could not handle all their PDA after realising they weren’t messing around, pretending for the cameras. He gagged and retched whenever they kissed or held hands in front of him, which was, unfortunately, a lot. At first, it was a means for them to convince him their relationship was real, but it had slowly morphed into something they did to annoy Sirius more than anything else.
Nonetheless, for as much as Sirius pretended to be disgusted, he was also kind of elated. There really was no better way for things to have turned out. He knew James. Knew just how deeply and passionately he loved, knew all too well how some people could grow annoyed from how intense he was. But never Sirius, and, as it seemed, never Regulus. Being deprived of love for their entire childhoods had them hungrily searching for it everywhere they went, only to be met with James’ endless, fervent outpour of love. Sirius couldn’t think of anyone that deserved James’ affections more than his own brother. Regulus, on the contrary, was a little harder to read, his exterior all cold glares and snippy remarks. But in his actions, lingering touches to him instinctively seeking out James in any situation, Sirius knew Regulus loved him back just as passionately, if not more. They had devoted their entire selves to each other, all their dearth and excess fitting into each other like puzzle pieces. Finally complete, in ways Sirius had known they needed all along but never having been able to provide. He didn’t even feel the need to threaten either James or Regulus, the old if you ever hurt him, I swear I’ll… talk, because he didn’t think it would ever happen. Tearing each other apart would tear themselves apart just the same, if not more.
Now, well… Sirius realised he should’ve taken into account both of their self-destructive tendencies. Regulus had just up and left one day, leaving James an unusually stubborn mess that refused to talk about it at all, let alone make any attempt to chase after him. All this bullshit talk about giving Regulus some space, when Sirius knew damn well space was definitely not what either of them needed, or wanted.
It wasn’t as if Regulus would talk to him about it, either. Any semblance of a brotherly relationship they had managed to salvage over the last couple of months had vanished along with James and Reglus’ relationship. Regulus wouldn’t respond to any of his calls or texts, would purposefully schedule studio days around the Marauders’ schedule so he wouldn’t have to see him. Eventually, Sirius stopped trying.
He had no choice but to believe James when he had said the situation had been worked out, because he had no way of getting either stubborn wanker to talk about it with him. Obviously, James had been lying. Why would he like to him? They’d never lied to each other before. To other people, together? Sure, yeah. Plenty of times. But to each other? Never.
He heaved another heavy sigh, phone abandoned on the pillow beside him. He wanted someone to talk to about all this. Someone who wasn’t James or Regulus, someone who would shoulder the burden of some of the most important people in his life growing more and more distant by the day. He wanted to talk to someone steady, someone he could rely on without fearing the support being yanked out from below his feet at any time. He wanted to talk to Remus. Remus, who he had pushed away without explanation, pushing and pushing until he eventually grew tired and left him alone. No matter how many times Sirius tried to explain himself, he always chickened out at the last second. He was just so scared. God, maybe he wasn’t in a position to be criticising Regulus, nor James. Maybe he was just as bad. Maybe he was worse. Maybe-
But before he could fully enter his nightly spiral, he felt his phone buzz beside him. His screen lit up with texts.
shit, pads
i fucked up so hard
im sorry i havent talked to you at all
i know youre going through ur own shit with moony
i didnt want to add onto it
and
god why did i do that
im trending on twitter again
i cant think straight
its been months and he’s still all i can think about
Sirius bit back an instinctual wince of disgust. Was he ever going to get used to James talking about his brother like that? Probably not. But this wasn’t the time to be grossed out. He had to help James, make up for all those times he had cried on James’ shoulder.
prongs, hey, its okay
you dont need to be sorry
and everything will be fine
it’ll all blow over in a bit and everyone will move on
but how, pads
we dont even have a management team anymore
not saying i miss being controlled by those wenches youre unfortunately related to but
i dont know anything about pr
we dont know anything about pr
we can work this out!
we’re smart, sensible people
…
😐
…
okay so maybe not sensible
but were still smart and hot so that doesnt even matter
okay well being hot doesnt do anything for pr disasters
i beg to differ
people will forgive hot people for doing anything
how dyou think ive gotten away with so much my entire life ??
exactly why people are gonna be so mad at me
have you seen reg??
that article is nothing on his reputation
N O T H I N G
im only gonna accept that because people think reg and i look alike
even tho im obviously the hotter brother
and its not like youre any less hot either
omg
i just had an idea
oh no
dont lie i know ur excited
what if i
leak one of my unreleased songs
to take attention away from u
like maybe
alley rose?
no
absolutely not pads
aw cmon why not
people have been asking for solo music from us for a while
probably part of the reason why ur vid went so viral
im not against the original idea
but alley rose??
i wont let you make yourself that vulnerable
least of all for me
fuck do you mean least of all for you??
you are literally one of few people id do this for
it’ll make for good drama!
tea
your mental wellbeing is not ‘tea’
and lets be honest you are severely mentally unwell in that song
rude
ill only leak the bridge
the bridge is literally the worst part??
yeah well
the rest of it doesnt really apply right now
might make moony mad
and i need to have a proper talk with him, not piss him off
maybe this’ll finally force me to start talking to him
are you absolutely positively sure theres no other songs you can leak?
i like alley rose best
and i have a reputation to uphold
best songwriter in the world??
pads be serious right now
i dont want you to do this just because you pity me
im always serious
stop.
no but really
it’ll be good for your situation and it might be good for mine
win-win!
plus i can post whatever i want on ig now
i dont have dear old mother breathing down my neck
i want to enjoy this freedom
…
fine
dont be stupid like me and do something you’ll regret
no promises
the day you beat me in stupid is the day i die
As he texted James, Sirius found that the corners of his mouth had quirked up into a smile. He had missed this, being able to just talk to his best friend. No matter what was going on, James had always had the uncanny ability to make him laugh.
As he navigated to a particular voice memo on his phone, however, he felt the smile slowly drop. He wondered if maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea after all, memories of just how miserable he had been when he’d recorded it coming flooding back, even as he pressed start on the screen recording.
Instrumentals, ones he’d artificially created himself in a fit of despair-induced creativity, filled the room. Sirius jumped, having forgotten he’d had his phone connected to the speakers in his room. Oh well. Resigned, he skipped the recording to the bridge and closed his eyes, letting himself drown in the sound of his own voice. In the memories.
And I don’t even care
If it makes me sound insane
I ran my fingers through your hair
And I thanked God to touch the flame
He remembered the very night he’d written and recorded this song as if it were yesterday. He’d stumbled into his apartment, his fingers still tingling with the sensation of Remus’ hair, the ghost of Remus’ touch lingering around his waist. It had been a perfect day, probably the best Sirius had ever had. It beat the day he met James, the day the Marauders formed, the day they won their first award, hell, even the day he’d finally escaped his parents. Even so, everything felt so distinctly wrong . He felt like he was doing something he shouldn’t be doing, precisely like touching an open flame. He knew it would burn, knew it wouldn’t end well; and yet, he was so endlessly grateful he had. He would do it over and over, if only to have Remus that close to him again, for his beautiful eyes to look into his like that again. Every second of pain he experienced in the aftermath was worth it. In fact, he craved it.
Cause I swore necks were made for bruising
I swore lips were made for lies
But for as much as he craved it, there was only so much he could handle. Nights like this, when everything during the day had been a little too good to be true, the ghosts of his past came back to haunt him. They turned Remus’ soft touches into hands, grasping at him even as he begged them to stop, his sweet words into twisted, cruel reminders of his so-called family. It was as if he was being punished, for ever letting himself believe someone like Sirius Orion Black could ever experience anything as pure as love.
And I thought if you’d ever leave me
That I’d be the reason why
It was those nights that convinced him this would never last. That he was better off wrenching himself away from Remus, if it meant he wouldn’t be the one getting left behind.
And I don’t even care
If it’s just a summer fling
If it’s all experimental
And you go back to safer things
But back then, back when it all had first started, he didn’t care about any of it. He didn’t really even care if Remus liked him for even a fraction of the amount that Sirius loved him; having him close, being allowed to touch and kiss him all he wanted, was enough. He had little to no expectations of something coming out of it all, because Remus had made it explicitly clear he wasn’t sure how he felt about any of it yet. That was fine. Sirius would be his little experiment, his lab rat, anything he could do to help. Reciprocation was a small price to pay for the experience of just having Remus near. That was, until brief, heated moments under the covers turned into entire nights cuddled into each other, whispered I love you’s hanging in the air between them, and well…
But I swore hands were made for fighting
I swore eyes were made to cry
But you’re the first person that I’ve seen
Who’s proven that might be a lie
He had felt so safe with Remus. Too safe. It was so unfamiliar, so unnerving, he almost felt unsafe. He knew love like this, soft and tender and oh-so gentle, was only reserved for people like the Potters, beautifully kind people that didn’t have a cruel bone in their body. Not Sirius. He was made entirely of cruelty, pieced together from the ruthlessness of each and every one of his darling extended family. But with Remus, he had believed briefly that he may have finally been freed from the clutches of The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. He had freedom from his parents’ label, thousands and thousands of fans, the best friends he could’ve ever asked for, Remus, unconditional love. Perhaps, he had been freed from the curse.
No such luck. While the rest of his band got to take a break, label-less and free, he was involved in a lengthy legal battle that exhausted both him and his finances. And while he still had devoted fans, and his friends had stood by him throughout it all, he knew better than to think their love would be unconditional. That Remus’ love would be unconditional. They would eventually tire of his dramatics, all of his damage and anger and sadness, and he couldn’t blame them. He was tired of himself. He would leave himself, too, if he could.
He scrambled to pause the screen recording before his past voice could begin begging not to be left behind. He was starting to have severe second thoughts about posting the song. Now that he had listened to it again, the song felt so raw, so much more vulnerable than he’d ever been in his music or anywhere else. It scared him. It also scared him to think of how Remus would react to it after weeks of radio silence, if he would react with anger or with the same patience he had shown all these years.
But he had to do it for James, he would do it for James. He’d do anything for James, even bare his heart and soul to the general public. Ignoring the pit in his stomach, he disguised the gravity of the simple screen recording behind the fourth slide of an innocent photo dump, making sure he cut out any unnecessary parts, and pressed post .