Full moon
“Remus Lupin”
It’s getting closer and closer to the full moon and I’m getting angrier at everyone.
A few days before and after the full moon I try to steer clear of people, but James, Sirius and Peter always come over to me in the hospital wing after a full moon.
Before a full moon every emotion is tightened, so the emotion anger is higher now. Sirius is pissing me off.
He keeps clinging on me and running around me. It’s so hard not to shout at him in anger to stop.
“Remusss, come on, let’s go put mice in people’s shoes.” Sirius whines. I give him a glare and breathe in deeply.
You don’t want to get angry at him! I remind myself.
I focus myself on my books again and continue studying. “Hey, Remus, why so moody?” Sirius his voice rings in my ear.
“For God's sake, Sirius! Could you be a little less clingy and annoying!” I lash out at him. Sirius looks taken aback and I can see the hurt in his eyes. He pushes it back and mutters something and walks off.
“Shit, Sirius,” I call out. I shut my eyes in frustration and bang my fist on the table. These stupid full moons!
I didn’t mean to get mad at him, but he can be a bit much sometimes. And I totally don’t mind, it gives me peace. But during full moons, it’s too much.
Now after I feel bad and because my emotions are tightened it hurts even more
Sirius of course doesn’t know about it and I’m not planning on telling him, but this is the first time I’ve lashed out on him and I think it won’t be the last time.
I groan in frustration and get up, grabbing my books together to look for him.
Sirius is in the great hall, his charming smile back on his face, seemingly flirting with Mary. Who looks at him, unfazed.
“Sirius,” I say, his eyes locking with mine. “Can we talk?” I ask quietly. He sighs, looks back at Mary, gives up on his flirting attempt, and nods.
“Sirius, I’m so sorry,” I begin, trying to look in his eyes, but he looks everywhere except in my eyes, “I’m having a really bad day and I know I shouldn't have lashed out on you, but I did and I apologize.”
Sirius meets my gaze and a small smile creeps on his face. “It’s fine, Remus,” “No it’s not, because you didn’t do anything wrong and I could’ve said it nicer. But I didn’t and I feel bad, because you shouldn’t be treated that way, like ever!”
There’s a look in Sirius’ eyes I can’t quite desciper, “It’s fine, Remus, really, I was being too clingy.” “No you weren’t, okay. Listen to me, this was my fault, I’m just having a bad day, but that has nothing to do with you!”
Sirius sighs and shrugs. “Okay, fine, you are forgiven. Is that what you want me to say?” The cheeky grin back on his face and the lights in his eyes back.
I’m happy that he’s his old self again and my tightend emotions makes me 10 times happier.
That night, Sirius crawls in my bed and just sits there, while I continue reading my book.
I glance up at him, his cheeks a rosy color and his eyes having a strange gloss in them.
“I really am sorry, Sirius,” I tell him, breaking the silence. He smiles and leaves, like that’s all he needed to hear. I smile to myself, Sirius was something else.
I lay in bed, refusing to fall asleep, tomorrow’s the night I dread with my whole life. The full moon, I would be so mean to everyone, and I hate it when people are upset with me.
I started talking with Lily more and more, but one day she found me on one of my “bad days” and I got really angry with her. That was a week ago. She hasn’t talked to me since.
I tried talking to her a few times, but she just ignored me.
Now I don’t want to sleep and just memorize the whole night, cause when I turn I don’t remember anything.
Eventually I do fall asleep and when James wakes me the next morning I greet him with some lovely words.
James just mutters something and goes for breakfast. On The day of a full moon I never go for breakfast.
Normally I skip almost all of my lessons, but today I want to make myself go to nearly every one. It were very important lessons, we were learning new spells and new transfigurations, and Slughorn told us that today was an important lesson.
“Goodmorning, Remus,” Peter says cheerfully. “Morning,” I mumble, before setting myself beside him.
“So, students, today you will turn a mouse into a cup!” Professor McGonagall’s voice beams through the classroom.
She eyes me and motions me to follow her outside the classroom. “Remus, why are you here?” She asks me directly. “What? I’m at Hogwarts to learn new stuff and I need to follow lessons to learn new stuff,” I answer her.
“You know that I didn’t mean that, why are you here today?” I shrug and look down. “Idk, the lessons were important today.”
She clicks her tongue and looks at me: “Remus,” her voice softer now, “if you don’t want to be here, you don’t have to. You know that you’re smart enough to catch up and if you can’t you don’t have to study them.” My eyes look in hers, seeing an almost motherly gaze in them.
“So, I’ll ask you this: do you want to be here and do you feel uh,” she hesitates, “stable enough to be here?” I look back down and shake my head, feeling tears starting to form in my eyes.
Why do I have to have this stupid condition!
All of the other students can go to their lessons every day!
Théy never have to endure torturous pain every month!
Théy don’t turn into a monster every month!
Théy don’t yell at their friends and scare people away every month!
Í can’t go to my lessons every month!
Í do endure torturous pain every month!
Í do turn into a monster every month!
Í do yell at my friends and scare people away every month!
A warm, comforting hand is laid on me, I look up in McGonagall’s eyes. She knows what I am, and still she doesn’t judge me.
“Go to your room, Remus, sleep, read. I don't care, but rest. You need it. You are so strong Remus!” She orders me and turns, walking back in her classroom.
I walk back to my dorm, shoulders slumped.
“Well, well, look who we have here, if it isn’t the orphan.” A voice calls behind me.
I spin around and look at the boy before me, he has black, greasy hair, dark brown eyes. He has a tall figure, but he isn’t as tall as me and he has a hooked nose.
He is wearing the Slytherin tie, I recognise him from the group of Sirius’ cousin, Bellatrix.
“Where are your friends, orphan?” He asks me. “Snape, right?” I ask, “Go mind your own business,” I say and turn back around to head back to my dorm.
“I bet your father left your muggle mother, because she had filthy blood and he didn’t want to have a child with such a b*tch,” Snape calls out.
I stop dead in my tracks, Oh Snape chose a wrong time to make me mad. My hands clench in fists and I turn around, marching over to him.
He noticed what he did too late and tries to grab his wand. My fist connects to his jaw, before he is able to, and blood spetters on the floor.
“Don’t you dare ever, talk shit about my mother again!” I whisper in his ear, teeth clenched tightly. My knuckles white from gripping him by the shirt.
He nods frantically and I let go of his shirt, making him fall to the ground with a groan. “You will regret that, mudblood,” he mutter, before turning around and hurrying off.
I ignored it as I walked to my room and slammed the door. My hands grab Lily’s favorite book by itself: Little women.
She gifted it to me a while ago and told me I should read it. Now I stare at it, I open it and stare at the first page, then I turn to the next page.
“‘Christmas won’t be Christmas without any parents,’ grumbled Jo, lying on the rug.” Are the first words on the first page.
After the first page I read the second and then the third and so on, till Sirius enters the room. I jump up, ‘cause I was so in the book, so invested in it, that I didn’t notice Sirius enter till he’s right in front of me.
“Hey, hey, Remus,” he smiles. I give him a small lopsided smile back. “How are you doing? I heard from McGonagall that you weren’t feeling well.” “Oh, yes, just, uh… a stomachache,” I answer.
“Ah, okay,” he says, looking like he doesn’t believe me, “well what are you reading, mister stomachache?”
I show him the cover of the book and he makes a face. “What is that?” he asks me. “This is a book,” I answer him.
“I got it from Lily, and it’s really good.” He gives me a face. “Tell you what, when I’m finished with it you can read it and then tell me what you think.”
His nose crunches up, but he agrees. After that he leaves for his next lesson and I continue reading my book.
I devoured the book that same day and I cried when Beth died, but I felt warm when Amy and Laurie married.
Before I head off to Professor Pomfrey, to bring me to the three I lay the book on Sirius’ bedside table with a little note:
Your turn, let’s make it a bet, if you cry you listen to me for a day if you don’t, I listen to you for a day. ; ).
Now, for the dreaded time of the month.
Professor Pomfrey is waiting for me in the hospital and gives me a sad smile. “You ready?” she asks me carefully. I shrug: “No, but I don’t have a choice, do I?”
She looks down and I can see tears glittering in her eyes. Professor Pomfrey really became like a mother to me, taking care of me after full moons.
She leads me to the three and walks me to my “room”.
“Now, remember what I told you, if you are hurt badly, don’t move, I’ll be back very soon okay, darling?” she lays her hands on my shoulders and keeps me at arm length, looking in my eyes.
I nod, saying nothing. She gives me a smile, her lips in a tight line.
She shuts the door tightly behind her on her way out. My knees buckle and I let myself fall on the floor, waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting.
The sun sets and it gives me a sense of comfort, knowing that the sun will never see me like this. But that feeling is replaced with dread when I know the star will always see me like this and only like this.
My eyes close as silent tears slip down my face.
Please, never let My star see me like this.
A cruciating pain slips up my spine and I cry in pain. It feels like every bone in my body is broken and fixed. My spine feels like it’s being replaced.
I shut my eyes and just wish for this moment to be over. The pain creeps up my spine to my neck and head. My arms grow and I scream.
I’ll probably not be able to use my voice after all my screaming.
Once I’ve transformed into the monster I am, I don't remember anything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wake up with a new scar, a big one. It was a bad night last night and I cry in agony.
The scar starts from the bottom of my stomach to the beginning of my neck. I’ll be able to cover it up so it’s not that bad. Like, the big one on my face I’m not able to cover up, so I got some weird looks the first days of Hogwarts, I still do.
But this one hurts, it’s a soaring pain just running through my body and I clench my teeth to stop screaming.
It feels like an eternity before Professor Pomfrey finally comes over. “Oh dear, Remus,” she calls out, “Oh darling, come on, I’ll get you fixed up.”
She waves her wand and immediately the pain starts to go from high to just a feeling, lingering behind the corner.
After that she pulls out an ointment and spreads it on my new scar. “So, Remus, this scar won’t go away, but it will fade a little. Now, dear, there’s nothing to be ashamed of,” she says, comforting me when tears start to form, “you are beautiful, with or without scars.”
She pulls me in her arms, her body heat warm and comforting and I feel myself let everything out as I start crying.
Crying, because I was dealt such a shitty hand.
Crying, because I’ll never be a normal kid.
Crying, because people will always judge me.
Crying, because I’m a monster and people are afraid of monsters,
Crying, because if people knew what I was I would be dead.
I don’t know how I ended up in the hospital wing, but I did and James, Peter and Sirius come and visit me. Like they do every month.
“Remus, you got to tell us before you just disappear, I was really worried about you!” Sirius says. “I’m sorry,” I mutter.
While James and Peter leave for breakfast, Sirius stays behind at my bed and opens up a book.
“Wow, I wouldn’t see you as the reading type,” I tease, a grin on a face that doesn’t feel like mine.
He shows me the cover of the book, and I feel my cheeks go red when I see it’s: little women.
“So about that bet of yours,” he grins. He’s one of the few people who can take my mind of the horrible monster that I am and I’m so thankful for that.
We talk and he reads and I watch him read. And I sleep and I’m quite sure he watches me sleep.
Eventually though, Pomfrey ushers him out of the hospital wing and I’m left alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next morning, when I’ve just woken up and Pomfrey has checked me up, Sirius comes barging in the room, ignoring the stern look that Pomfrey gives him.
He has bags under his eyes and tears streaming down his face, I sit up straight and look at him with concern.
“Beth dies?” He cries. My face softens and I give him a small smile.
He throws himself on my bed and I can hear soft cries on the bed sheet. My hand pats his head softly as I mumble soft, reassuring words to him.
“Why did Beth have to die??” He asks me, as if I know.
I rub my hand over his head, till he’s ready to get back up, he looks me in the eye and his cheeks get red, he looks down quickly.
When he’s ready we leave for breakfast and I wince in pain. Sirius's eyes scan over me in worry, but I shrug it off (which wasn’t a good idea).
We sit on the table and I feel a weight lifted off my chest as my friends talk and laugh with me.