Moony,
I'm sorry. I’m just so fucking sorry. But you won’t forgive me, and you shouldn’t. If you ever dare forgive me I will ruin it again, just because I fucked up and no longer deserve you. If I’m being honest I never did. Sirius Black, just that, a Black. Anyways, I’m not sending this to make you forgive me. I’m sending this because James will only worry and I think if I don’t write this down I will explode. I hope you don’t worry, I don’t deserve it. I don’t know why I sent this. I think it’s because I know, I hope, that you will see my name on the letter and immediately throw it out.
-Love, Padfoot
———
Moony,
You didn’t answer my last letter. Good. I hope that means you did not bother to read it. I will not write excuses for what I did, but you must understand that I deeply regret it. You deserve an explanation. Sadly, I don’t know if I can give one. I had no reason to tell Snape anything. If I’m being completely honest I think that I knew exactly what would happen if I told him. I think I used it as some fucked up way of hurting myself. I do not deserve you, or anyone else. But especially not you. You’re so perfect and gorgeous and I am not worthy of you.
-Love, Padfoot
———
Moony,
I think I did it for the same reason I continue to send these letters, I am selfish. Totally truly selfish. It’s funny, my family reminds me constantly that I am a disappointment, not a true Black. However, I’m certainly not a Gryffindor. I’m not a good person, but I can’t seem to be completely bad either. I hate myself, I think. It only makes sense, my family hates me, you hate me, everyone at school hates me, why shouldn’t I hate myself? Anyway, my parents are threatening to send me to a different school next year, they say Hogwarts has been nothing but a bad influence on me. I suppose they are right, it made me think I could change. I somehow convinced myself I could be more than just a Black.
-Love, Padfoot
———
Sirius,
Please don’t hate yourself.
-Remus
———
Moony,
I don’t know how much more of this house I can take. I’m sorry if I do something to disappoint you again. I just might. I don’t know why I insist on apologizing so profusely when I am so confident that you should never forgive me. I’m thinking of taking my shot on the streets. I don’t know if I can take one more night of listening to my parents talk of ‘filthy mudbloods’ and Regulus pathetically, tragically agreeing. I don’t think I can feel one more of my mothers words manifesting itself on my skin. My fathers cruel glare. I would never actually run away though, I can’t leave Reggie.
-Love, Padfoot
———
Sirius,
Are you safe?
-Remus
———
Sirius,
I am starting to worry. It has been two weeks without a word from you. Please let me know that you are okay.
-Remus
———
Pads,
I am starting to panic. It has been almost a month with no word. School starts in three weeks. Please just let me know you are okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t- I shouldn’t have gotten so mad. You made a mistake. We all have. Please just be okay.
-Moony
———
Pads,
James says he has also written to you and gotten no response. I am seriously worried now. I love you so much and I don’t think I can take another second of this worrying.
-Love, Moony
———
Moony,
I am sorry I have not written to you recently. My mother found one of my letters and freaked out. I have been under Imperio for the last three weeks. I have mostly been locked in my room. I’m sorry if I didn’t reply to a letter you sent, I have not been in a position to retrieve them. I hope you haven’t though, I do not deserve it. I hope to see you in two weeks at school but I am not hopeful. The chances of my parents letting me go is about my chances of being a good person.
———
Pads,
They used an unforgivable on you? I am worried for you in that house. I think you need to leave. The thought that you are not safe is deeply hurting me. I feel awful that James made you go back there for me. Please, forget how much you hate yourself. Forget the ridiculous thought that I can and should not forgive you. Please forget the even more ridiculous thought that you deserve what’s happening to you in that household. Please go to James' house, I don’t know if you are receiving his letters but he’s worried too and he wants you there. His parents are cool with it too, if you’re worried about that. Please just take care of yourself.
-Love, Moony
———
Moony,
I did it. I left. I would’ve responded to your letter sooner but my mother found it first. She was furious. Read it out loud to me before hurting me. I think she meant it as a punishment, but I was just glad to hear your words. Though they felt wrong through her voice. I’m sorry if tears stain this paper. I am writing this to you from a street alleyway. I just had to leave. They went too far. My dad used Crucio. The one line I thought they would never cross. I feel quite terrible for leaving Reggie but I think he will be okay. They don’t treat him the way they do me. I am heading to Potter Mansion.
Side note: You sound an awful lot like you forgive me, which I will not allow. I don’t think I can take it. So please don’t.
-Love, Padfoot
———
Pads,
I forgive you. I really do. I just needed some time but it’s been long enough. You did not see my letter from weeks ago so I shall paraphrase it now. You made a mistake. I got mad. I’m not mad anymore. You regret it. We can move past this, I know we can. I want to. I, so desperately, want to. I’m glad to hear you have gotten out of that awful house. I hope that you have let Fleamont heal you from Crucio. I can’t believe your father would go so far. I’m sorry I didn’t know how awful it was for you at home. I can’t wait to see you on Monday.
-Love, always, Moony
———
Moony,
I love you.
-Love, Padfoot
———
Pads,
I love you too.
-Yours, Moony.