Selfishly Gentle
James didn’t know exactly what Regulus wanted in his room. He was hoping for something… intimate, of course, but he wouldn’t push it. He would never push it. If Regulus only wanted to talk to him and ask him to leave, he would talk and go. If Regulus wanted something sweet, James would give him that. If he really did want something intimate, James would, happily, give him that.
Regulus seemed to be leaning more towards the latter, kissing James roughly as soon as he closed the door. James grinned into the kiss, placing his hands on Regulus’s hips, his thumbs playing with the hem of his fishnet top. He could feel the warmth of porcelain skin beneath his fingertips.
“You’re beautiful,” James mumbled breathlessly as Regulus pulled away, grinning.
“Glad you think so,” Regulus grinned, his face flushed. He was so beautiful with his reddened cheeks and shining grin, and that beautiful light in his blueish-silvery eyes. “For what it’s worth, you are too.”
James felt a grin spread across his face. “It’s worth a lot, to me at least.” James felt his cheeks warm. He leaned in, kissing Regulus. His grip tightened on Regulus’s waist, lifting him up, bridal style.
“Hey!” Regulus laughed, but he still wrapped his arms around James’s neck. Regulus leaned in, nuzzling into his neck. James could feel his breath on his skin. James gently set him down on the bed, kissing him softly. He slipped his hand under the fishnet top, feeling the expanse of pale, soft skin under his palm. Regulus’s smile dropped, but he didn’t say anything. James paused.
“Hey,” he said, pulling away. “Are… Are you alright? Do you want to stop? I can leave.” James pulled his hand out from under the top. Regulus grabbed his wrist.
“Stop,” Regulus said. “But don’t leave. Please.” James nodded.
“Yeah. Yeah, okay,” James said, giving him a reassuring smile. He sat down next to Regulus on the bed. “Are you okay?”
Regulus nodded. “Yeah. Just a bit… insecure, I guess? I don’t know. I don’t necessarily feel… unattractive. Just nervous, I suppose. Not ready, maybe?” Regulus sighed. “I’m sorry.”
James shook his head vehemently. “No. Don’t be sorry. You had a boundary, and you shared it. That’s good, Regulus.” James smiled at him. “If I ever cross a line, just let me know. I want nothing more than for you to be comfortable and happy.”
Regulus gave him a weak smile. “I promise that it’s not you. You… you’re lovely. Amazing, really. I’m just… weird. I don’t know. I’m just weird about physical touch sometimes.”
James nodded understandingly. “Do you have a limit for touch that you’re okay with? With me, I mean.”
Regulus looked pensive for a moment before he responded. “I’m okay with kissing, and hugging, and holding hands. And, um, you can look at my body. I don’t have problems with that. Just… don’t touch.”
James smiled and nodded. “Right. Thank you. For being open about this.” Regulus leaned into his side. James kissed the top of his head.
“Why are you so nice to me?” Regulus asked. It didn’t sound negative, or interrogating. Just a question, a bit of curiosity.
“You’re interesting, Regulus. You shine so bright, and yet I know so little about you. Is it really that odd that I might want to learn more? Or that I may like what I have already found?” James said, running gentle fingers through his hair. Regulus leaned into the touch. “This okay?”
“Mhm.”
James gazed at him affectionately. He was so lovely, looking up at James with an adorable little smile. James pressed a kiss to his forehead. There was something so bright about him, so warm in his smile, his expression. James really, really liked him.
James’s eyes felt drawn to the tattoos all over Regulus’s body. They were all in black ink, standing out against the white of Regulus’s skin. There were small symbols tattooed across his torso, and bigger, more detailed ones on his arms. James couldn’t help wondering what they symbolized. They were so beautiful, so striking, and they only seemed to make Regulus shine brighter.
“I can see you want to ask something,” Regulus said suddenly, staring up at him. “Go ahead, James. You can ask me anything.”
James smiled. “Sorry, love. I was staring, wasn’t I?” Regulus nodded. “I didn’t mean to.”
“It’s fine, Jamie,” Regulus said sweetly. James melted a bit at the nickname. “Just ask me.”
James kissed him on the top of his head. “I was just wondering about your tattoos.”
“Oh,” Regulus said, shifting a bit. He moved a stray curl out of his face. “I have one for everyone I’ve loved. Or lost,” Regulus said, shifting to display the expansive variety of ink ingrained in his strikingly pale skin.
“What are these ones?” James asked curiously, rubbing his thumb against two matching marks on Regulus’s shoulder, one of a black star, the other of the Leo constellation, drawn into the soft skin of Regulus’s shoulder. They were lovely, though he only recognized the constellation from Sirius’s ramblings about astronomy.
Regulus glanced down, staring a little bit sadly at the floor. “My brother,” he whispered.
“Which one?”
Regulus frowned. “Just him.”
“Oh,” James said, a bit surprised. “Um, I’m sorry for your loss.”
Regulus sighed. “He’s not dead, James. I almost wish he was.”
James opened his mouth to grant consolation, but he closed it again. He didn’t really have anything to share, nothing worthwhile. He just opened his arms to Regulus, who leaned into James’s chest.
“Can I ask what happened? With your brother, I mean. I’m sorry if I’m overstepping,” James said softly. Regulus shook his head against James’s chest.
“It’s fine,” Regulus mumbled, his hands fisting at James’s shirt. “Remember on the plane, when I told you about how I got into music?” James nodded. “I grew up in a… high-class family. Really rich types. Fit the obnoxious, self-absorbed rich aristocrat stereotype perfectly. My older brother hated it. I tolerated it.” James nodded, listening respectfully. He didn’t want to interject. Maybe Regulus would feel okay, more comfortable if he shared. James hoped Regulus didn’t feel pressured. “My brother… he really hated the fancy, expensive life that we grew up in. It didn’t help that our mother was a bitch, and our dad was a negligent ass. He was the heir to the fortune, you know. Anyways, he was my best friend. Only person I trusted and cared about. Loved him, admired him, relied on him. Didn’t know what to do without him.”
James nodded. “Was that why you got the first tattoo?”
Regulus nodded. “Yeah. He thought that tattoos and piercings were the most badass things. When I was fourteen, he bought a stick and poke tattoo kit. He drank some cheap beer he bought with the little bit of money he’d scrounged up from the job he got working at some convenience store down the street. He didn’t need it, but he didn’t do it because he needed it. He did it to spite our mother. Anyways, he drank the beer, and offered to give me my first tattoo. I asked if he wanted his own and he just grinned, said he already had one. For some boy, probably.”
“A boy?” James blurted out. Regulus cracked a smile, let out a small chuckle.
“Yes, James. A boy. Apparently, rebellious homosexuality runs in our family,” Regulus joked, smiling slightly. James chuckled. “My mother would despise us.”
“So,” Regulus said after a moment. “He gave me that Leo constellation tattoo. Regulus is the heart of the lion, you know. He thought it’d be cool. That night I said I loved him for the last time. He didn’t say it back. The next year he left. Just gone one day. Left most of his stuff too. He never even said goodbye.”
James paused, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. “I’m… I’m sorry, Regulus. You didn’t deserve that. For what it’s worth, your brother seems like a real douchebag.”
Regulus chuckled bitterly. “Trust me, James. You do not mean that.”
James shook his head. “Yes, I do, Reg.” Regulus laughed.
“No, you don’t,” Regulus said, a sad smile on his face. “Honestly, James, does Sirius talk to you about anything?”
James froze. “What about Sirius?”
Regulus went pale, paler than usual. “Oh,” he said. “Did you… did you not know? Did he not tell you? Could you not tell?”
“Reg,” James murmured, placing a gentle but firm hand on Regulus’s shoulder. “What are you talking about?”
Regulus laughed a little maniacally. “Sirius is my brother, James. God, I can’t believe he never told you.”
James didn’t say anything. He could see it, sort of. They had the same pale skin, the same blue-gray eyes, though the light in them was different. They had similar builds, Sirius’s a bit more muscular. And it made sense, really. James knew better than anyone how awful Sirius’s home was. Everything sort of clicked.
“Oh,” James said, a little choked. Regulus seemed to calm, his expression flickering into concern.
“Hey,” Regulus said, cupping James’s cheek. “Are you okay? I’m sorry, that was kind of a big bomb to drop, wasn’t it.”
James nodded. “Yeah, but it’s fine.”
Regulus looked down sadly, like he was mourning something that hadn’t even gotten a chance to die. “Do you… do you still want to go out with me? I understand if you’re not comfortable going out with your best friend’s estranged little brother.”
James shook his head. “This… this is a little weird for me.” Regulus everted eye contact, looking sad, rejected. “But this doesn’t change anything for me. You’re not just Sirius’s little brother. You’re Regulus, and I like Regulus. A lot. “
Regulus smiled and laughed, leaning into James, clinging onto him. “You… you’re so stupid. And incredible. You’re so amazing. What did I do to deserve you?”
James kissed the top of his head, pulling Regulus even closer. “You didn’t have to do anything. You’re just incredible, and you deserve the world.”
Regulus smiled, leaning up to kiss his cheek before throwing his leg over James, straddling his hips, and sitting down in his lap.
“I never get to be selfish,” Regulus said, his hands pressed into the mattress behind James to keep himself stable. “I never did. Everything I did, I did for someone else’s benefit.”
“But you?” Regulus cupped his cheek, his hand soft and warm against James’s face. “Oh, I can already tell, I’m going to be selfish about you.”
James grinned, his cheeks warm. He couldn’t help himself, leaning in to press a soft kiss to Regulus’s lips.
It wasn’t a long kiss, nor was it a powerful one, but it didn’t need to be. It was simply them existing in each other’s space, them being affectionate, them wanting it. And wasn’t that lovely, to simply be two people, kissing, just because they both wanted it? James lingered there for only a moment, before pulling away to look at Regulus, all flushed cheeks, and blown pupils, and pink parted lips. He sat completely still, not even breathing.
“You’re so beautiful, so incredible,” James murmured, carding his fingers through soft ebony curls. Regulus looked so delicate like this, so fragile as he exhaled, leaning forward to gently rest his forehead against James’s.
“You’re wonderful,” he mumbled. James could feel his warm breath on his face as he grinned.
“Could I… Could I please do that again?” James asked sweetly.
“You don’t even have to ask,” Regulus replied warmly, leaning in.
This kiss was longer, but just as soft, just as delicate. James held onto his waist, keeping him close, even when Regulus pulled away, leaning against his chest.
“You’re so warm,” Regulus mumbled. James wasn’t entirely sure he meant to say it aloud, so he didn’t respond.
James stayed with Regulus, cuddling, kissing, mumbling sweet nothings to him until they fell asleep together, in Regulus’s bed.
It was sweet.
It was soft.
It was warm.
And James had never felt more content.